maker of my own misery but still what happened?!

[atticusx]

hey,

 

ive been lurking and read quite a few useful posts on here which have helped alot to try and process what im currently feeling. man i wish id been on this site much earlier in my break-up, could have saved me a heap of trouble!

 

sorry for the length of this..

 

im gay, me & my girlfriend were together for just over three years. she was my first girlfriend really, she had had others, but before me her longest relationship was a year.

 

first year or so everything was amazing, as it tends to be, people actually used to say they wished their relationships were as good as ours.

then we started having little petty arguments, we'd split up for like a day and then get back together. it wasnt like that all the time, and we did still love and have great times together, but the arguments were always really frustrating as she was/is completely incapable of admitting she is wrong about even minor things which werent even an issue. and this trait really started to grate on me.

strange example, but once we were making cakes and i was over the other side of the kitchen, nowhere near her and she dropped an egg which smashed everywhere. absolutely not a problem, just clean it up and get another one. but she then started to say how it was all my fault because i was too close to her and made her drop it? it was baffling, but if you can see what she was like in a situation like that you can imagine what she was like in more serious matters.

 

she once said that her friends boyfriend had deleted all his exes off facebook, not because her friend had asked him to but because he had so much respect for the relationship he decided to do it himself. this was a blatent hint for me to do the same, and i know there would have been trouble if i hadnt, so i did (i didnt have exes per say, just others that id had brief flirtations with). i had no problem in doing so, and she did the same. then i noticed like a month later one of hers liked a status. she'd added them back and when i called her out on this she always defended herself in that she'd never directly asked me to remove mine, id done it out of my own choice.

she also always found fault in everything i did, she never seemed happy, if i fixed one thing she'd always find something else she wasn't happy about. for instance she complained i didnt call her enough, so i called her more and then it was that i was always calling her at the wrong times, and so on and so forth.

 

it got to the point where after another petty argument i ended it (september). to be honest id been thinking about it for a while, and finally went and did it. i explained all the reasons surrounding the break up, and then said we should try and not have any contact. i stuck to this for only a week. it was a real struggle, i knew it wasnt working but i love the heck outta that girl. she kept up txting me that week and then i caved. decided we should give it another go. of course she now decided she didnt want me back. so i begged and pleaded, and no budging. at this stage we basically hardly contacted each other for a month or so. she told me to just let go.

 

it was horrible at first, but i started feeling better and i met someone. nothing serious but it was nice. i still missed my ex though and we somehow started chatting again. she convinced me to get this blog thing as she had one and i did. she at a later date confessed she liked being able to see what id been upto via it.

 

she found out about the other girl and she said she was absolutely so hurt, felt like id cheated on her and would never look at me in the same way again. said she felt sick at the thought of me etc. etc. i felt id done nothing wrong, i mean it was over two months after we'd split up and all id done was kiss another girl, afterall she had been the one to tell me to 'do yourself a favour and just let go'. but somehow she made me feel like i was really in the wrong. saying she never meant that and people say things they dont mean in the heat of the moment.

so i did something pretty stupid, i pretended id got a txt before the kiss from a number i didnt know telling me that my ex had moved on and so i needed to as well, so that thats why i did it. i dunno why the hell i did this, like i needed to validate anything id done anyway as id done nothing wrong!!

 

so it goes back to me begging again. i told her i was gonna book for us to go away for a weekend if she was interested, she blew off that response. however after the weekend had passed suddenly decided she was interested and that i should have known that? then at new years i was meant to go somewhere with my friends but i was poorly so couldnt go, i stayed in and she stayed in as well and we were texting. the day after she said she couldnt believe i hadnt offered to go and see her, and that she couldnt believe she was giving me all these chances and i was wasting them...chances what chances?!

 

then i told her i was going away with my family on holiday and did she want to come (we went with them last year). she declined and said she'd only want to go somewhere if it was just us two. which confused me somewhat, i said id love that but id already booked this holiday and paid for it and had no more leave left from work. another chance she said id thrown in her face?!

 

because she mentioned these chances i decided to up the ante, i started getting her gifts, being really nice and we were spending time together again. it was going pretty good, but i was fed up of being in limbo. i told her that she was going to have to put me out of my misery at some point and let me move on and she said "ive already told you we wont be anything more than friends", but then followed up that txt with "nothing is guaranteed". indeed whenever i asked her for some kind of definitive answer i always got things like "never say never".

i told her i was gonna try and kiss her the last time i saw her but thought better of it and would she have pushed me away if i did? she replied with "well that was friday and now its wednesday so i guess we'll never know" and then "i dunno how id react in the moment".

 

so at this stage i was more confused than ever and my head was all over the place, so when i saw some girl flirting with her on facebook and her having liked practically all of these girls statuses i properly started freaking out. so i dunno what came over me but i txt her from another number and basically insinuated i was someone who knew she was seeing someone else and that she should come clean to me before someone else did.

 

i know this was messed up, totally stupid. but i just wanted to hear it from her. i felt if i heard just from her she was with someone else, or that it was over that id finally be able to just accept it and move on from her. but i knew she'd never tell me, and whenever i asked her to tell me it was over for good id always get the never say never stuff. i know id never be able to let go whilst i still thought there was a chance. i handled things totally wrong.

 

i made matters worse by then denying it of course when she accused me, before eventually coming clean. she said that i was sick and that she hated me. we havent spoken since...well actually thats not true.

 

she was always on about grand gestures and me never taking risks, so a week after all this i wrote a loooooooong blog about my feelings for her, about what had happened, how sorry i was, how much i loved her etc etc. and told her that id booked a hotel room for the friday night in a hotel near her (we had once stayed in previously) and that if she still loved me and thought there was any chance for us that she should come, if not dont. and that on the friday when i checked in id post a photo of the room number on the blog. it wasnt a seedy gesture or anything the room, and that was clear by the blog which really was me baring my heart and soul. i put emphasis on the fact i didnt want her to reply to it, that it was just something i needed to do, and to not reply, just come or dont. i txt her to tell her id posted the blog. within 30 minutes of me doing so she'd been on and read it (i can see when someones visited the blog, but she doesnt know this). she never responded.

 

so i went to the hotel and that night, posted the photo. and just before midnight she went on and looked sure enough. but didnt show up. obviously this was heartbreaking, but not as heartbreaking as i thought it would be and so i guess i never thought she would show, deep down. she been on the blog again since too. i dont get why the heck she would even go on it though anyway if she hates me and doesnt care. although ive stopped posting now. i dont want to give her the satisfaction of knowing what im upto or how im feeling.

 

i think i knew that she wouldnt come, and i did this so it was glaringly obvious that it was over so i would finally give up. like i say i needed something definitive and i got it. so in a way thats good. i have no problem keeping up the NC as i know that she simply wouldnt reply. so im not even going to waste my time.

what i am struggling with is not going on her blog, and also not going on the profile of the girl i think shes interested in as hers is public and seeing her wall posts to her and liking all her statuses. i know this doesnt give me anything but pain, as it doesnt change the situation whatsoever, just makes me more upset, so i need to stop. im getting better at that though and i know this will come with time.

 

so its not really advice that im after, just more the catharsis of getting my story out. i still just dont understand he motivation behind the way she treated me after the break-up, i know it was my own fault for letting her, but she left me in limbo for so long, and id probably still be there now if i hadnt self destructed, i just dont get what her intentions were. guess i never will.

 

i am trying to keep focusing on the fact that i ended this originally, and that there were reasons behind that, it was only when the control was taken from me that i really started wanting her back and that that is the reason i feel like this. but its really hard when all i can focus on is how much i miss her, and that she'll never speak to me again and of course three years is a long time, and alot of emotional investment.

[coltsfan1]

All the typing my friend and I hate to say it but it all boils down to the power struggle. She baited an you took the bait, a good partnership is based on certain meetings in the middle. Sounds to me like you tried and she just isn't there anymore. It is time to walk, I know this from doing many of the same things you have. Just remember once you meet a new gal do the grand gestures BEFORE she leaves. A woman will always appreciate it more when it isn't need but freely given.

[atticusx]

Thankyou for the input, i totally agree with you about the power struggle thing. It was as soon as i lost that that i freaked out.

But with the gestures I did do stuff like that whilst we were together, after we split up she said she hadnt realised how many little spontaneous gifts and stuff id gotten her and stuff id done for her. When I think about it now, she barely did stuff like that herself for me but always acted like i never did and that i treated her badly. Yet still I pine for her, I know its not gonna be instant but i do hope this phase passes as quickly as it can.

 

 

Im doing better, but i can stop thinking about why she was so intent on keeping me in limbo for so long with cryptic replies and stuff when I gave her ample opportunity to tell me we were done for good, even telling her that sometimes you gotta be cruel to be kind. I mean it was only a couple of weeks ago she was still saying nothings guaranteed and never say never.

Edited February 14, 2012 by atticusx