MarkV Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 Hi,advice needed. Me and my ex have been apart now for one month and i spoke to her tonight as i had to drop some mail off at her new place. I asked her if she wanted to get some food with me and she said sure. We went to a nice restaurant and had general chit chat. She said she was shocked when i told her on Saturday that i had planned to propose next week. She left me because she felt like i wasnt excited about our future and that we were still at a stop point. We had been together for six years and i admit that i didnt chat about our future as much as i should. This was just because the pressure was all on me to provide everything as she has no savings for a house, marriage etc. It just pushed me back a bit but i never meant to be distant. At the meal she said that if we were both out Saturday night then maybe we should avoid each other so that neither of us get upset. I said sure no problem. She is going out with mutual friends. When i dropped her off i asked if she wanted to go out again one day. She said sure but didnt want me to get my hopes up which i understand as i know what she is going through. She is hurt and confused about what happened between us. There were little looks of love across the table from her and when we spoke about the ring i could see her welling up. What do I do? I reassured her endlessly when we broke up (she was still living at the house for two weeks) so she knows how I feel and all my cards are on the table. Do I give up or fight for the girl I love with all my heart?
Chi townD Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 Why would you be upset if your saw her out on Saturday night? What's going on Saturday?
Author MarkV Posted February 13, 2012 Author Posted February 13, 2012 She is out with some of my girly friends,im out with my friends..i thnk she is trying to protect us both
Author MarkV Posted February 13, 2012 Author Posted February 13, 2012 I agree. Right from now on I will make you a promise..NO MORE CONTACT! I should not have gone tonight and im stupid for doing it. Ill keep updates on any progress but from what she said to me tonight it gave me more clarity when she said 'not to get my hopes up'.
Author MarkV Posted February 13, 2012 Author Posted February 13, 2012 One more question..do people tend to realise what they had when they have been apart for so long? She told me she had been struggling in the last few months of the relationship but she acted fine when she was with me eg meals,holidays, general life etc. I just feel like iv been kicked in the teeth and she doesnt realise what she is letting go of at the moment..just feels so weird and never expected it to happen from her. People have said that they thought i had ended it due to her being her (savings etc)
CaliBabe Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 Flourescent is right. You laid it out, let her know your intentions, it's her decision now. Don't smother her by trying to win her back. If she really loves you, she will make her way back on her own. Without force. Now that she knows the circumstances. Good luck!
Author MarkV Posted February 13, 2012 Author Posted February 13, 2012 I would never spoil the girl and i always put my foot down and kept her financially sound,but never gave her what she wants. Its just the fact that i didnt want to put down all my savings for a house for us and she then got wind that i didnt want a future with her. I agree with you when you say she needs to focus outside of the relationship to find out what she wants. Tonight was a lesson for me and i could see how confused she was in her eyes and talk. She is sticking to her guns at the moment but thats it from me,im done for now with her.
Author MarkV Posted February 13, 2012 Author Posted February 13, 2012 And please dont think she is a nasty, selfish girl as she is far from it. She just needs to learn the values of life. She would always pay half for our rent,bills,food shopping etc. She just wanted reassurance of the bigger things in her life. But like someone previously told me..they think this would have come up anyway even if we were engaged, had a house etc.
Dark Phoenix Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 And please dont think she is a nasty, selfish girl as she is far from it. She just needs to learn the values of life. She would always pay half for our rent,bills,food shopping etc. She just wanted reassurance of the bigger things in her life. But like someone previously told me..they think this would have come up anyway even if we were engaged, had a house etc. Yup! Let her spread her wings and fly around on her own You need to do the same!
fetish1980 Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 You may love this girl, but i'm going to be the second one to recommend you read Graceful's post to you in your last thread. She's one of the top posters on this subforum and will slap you with a dose of reality with no sugarcoating. Take heed. Your girl/ex girl sounds like she deals in absolutes. It has to be black and white with her. "Either you do this, get a house or if not, that clearly means you don't really want to be with me". I'm not the wisest out of the bunch, but that sounds like a manipulation tactic. Of course you should think hard before tying yourself and your savings to someone who really just sees you as a meal ticket. It's no accident that its taken you 6 years to propose to her. You may love her, but i think deep down, there's something not sitting right with you about this girl. Now that she's left, you feel guilty. I don't think anyone should have that type of pressure put on them. This is not 1940. This is the 2010s. Women have far transcended since then and are capable of contributing to a household nowadays just as much as a man is. In my opinion, she's no better than a basketball wife who marries people to get a better life. Think about it, if you're carrying her now, you'll have to keep carrying her forever. You marry her, you will grow tired of it, and once you stop, she'll leave you and take off with half. Mark my words! She may be a good person, but her sense of reality is for you to do things a certain way to prove that you love her. Not good! My ex had the same warped mentality as yours. And her mother thought the same way. Meanwhile, my ex thought she was free to do whatever she wanted with her money while we were trying to get married. I'm the same age as you and my ex is about a couple years older than yours. These type of people are better off to stand on their own for a while. They're clearly not mature enough for a committed r/l. fetish
Author MarkV Posted February 14, 2012 Author Posted February 14, 2012 What are peoples thoughts on bday messages? I'm now in the process of nc and it is her bday next month on 15th Feb. Do I send a plain and simple happy bday txt or nothing at all. My mind says no as I made a promise on here to nc but I'm scared that after all of this she will think I don't care?
Chi townD Posted February 14, 2012 Posted February 14, 2012 Okay, here's a new way of looking at this. Relationships are hard WORK, therefore, it's a JOB. Well, she fired you. You got fired from the position. Now, in any other job that you've either quit or been released from, do you still hang around the workplace after you were told you were no longer needed? Do you still send your former Boss Christmas cards and Birthday cards? I'm banking your answer is going to be "no" so, treat this like a job.
Chs Posted February 14, 2012 Posted February 14, 2012 Okay, here's a new way of looking at this. Relationships are hard WORK, therefore, it's a JOB. Well, she fired you. You got fired from the position. Now, in any other job that you've either quit or been released from, do you still hang around the workplace after you were told you were no longer needed? Do you still send your former Boss Christmas cards and Birthday cards? I'm banking your answer is going to be "no" so, treat this like a job. Well, do you love your boss? Pretty useless comparison. I can't see why you wouldn't wish someone you care about a happy birthday, even if it's an ex. Im pretty sure it will make her happy regardless of anything else, and it sure won't bring any harm.
kkay Posted February 14, 2012 Posted February 14, 2012 DV, We are "kind of" in similar situations. My ex was definitely the breadwinner, the saver, the knight in shining armour and I was the one with a measly salary @ a non-profit and a load of school from graduate studies. The difference in our situations is that he left me. Now, on the birthday text front, I sent one. I didn't get anything out of it except a couple small texts with some light hearted joking on both ends. I was okay with that exchange because I ultimately wished him Happy Birthday for myself. I could not fathom NOT saying happy birthday... it is just not who I am as a person. I just wanted him to know that I cared and remembered it was his birthday. However, I suggest that you think about yourself and WHO YOU ARE and WHAT YOU NEED. This is not about what she is going to think or how she is going to act because saying Happy Birthday won't be the magical words that bring her back into your arms. 3 things that have helped me through this whole process... be tactful in your dealing with her and others, respect yourself and take this time to re-discover yourself.
Graceful Posted February 14, 2012 Posted February 14, 2012 Originally Posted by dv123 It's all down to her believing I was never going to take the next step with her. She now knows that I was due to me planning to propose. She has no savings and in 6 years I believe had never really tried due to her mum being in her ear because I earn more and have sav.ed so hard for my money. I was willing to buy a house but through a scheme where i could put down a smaller deposit. She just believes that I was never going to push forward and i can see it from her side but I felt under pressure. Iv supported her through everything. When she went travelling I paid £1400 of her rent because I knew it meant a lot for her to go. She has said she believes me when I say I want my whole life with her but she said its whether she can get her feelings back to where they were before Man, this scares the crap outta me and I don't know why it doesn't scare you, too. No savings? No income? No ambition? Her mother advised her that the way to handle her life was to get a man for a meal ticket and pay for a roof over her head. Nice mentoring. Spark is gone? Six years and you were still hesitant? Sounds like you're just in a rut or complacent with what you have, terrified to break off and find someone who is a more suitable match for you and who makes you feel excited about your future. Waitin' 6 years, count them, 6 years to get engaged, and still not feelin' it? You want to support someone who has never saved a dime in the 6 years you've known her? How do you plan to do your finances and what will happen if heaven forbid, you get divorced and she takes you for all you're worth since she is penniless? Of course you feel pressured. She's a parasite. I don't care how you feel about her, time to either cut this one loose, or walk her over to an employment agency, tell her to get a job, save some money, or the gig is up. You're out of your mind even considering marrying someone like this, and I don't mind telling you because you need to hear it. Cut her off financially and see how long she sticks around. That will tell you all you need to know. Wake up, buddy.
Graceful Posted February 14, 2012 Posted February 14, 2012 What are peoples thoughts on bday messages? I'm now in the process of nc and it is her bday next month on 15th Feb. Do I send a plain and simple happy bday txt or nothing at all. My mind says no as I made a promise on here to nc but I'm scared that after all of this she will think I don't care? Cut her off. You're not together. What are you going to do next? Send her more money? Yeesh. Additionally, and I can't emphasize this enough --- you had 6 years with this woman and never cared enough to get off your a$$ to do much of anything to further yourself, improve yourself, or the relationship. So it's a little off-putting to see you now care about a birthday message. Really, dude. You're scared --- now? That's just what I'd call too little, too late. You are so over due to cut this one loose. Date of expiration on this relationship happened a long time ago. I'm cringing, I really am, on your behalf, because you don't have the common sense to do it yourself. Oh, don't worry, you don't have to thank me. Heh.
Chi townD Posted February 14, 2012 Posted February 14, 2012 Well, do you love your boss? Pretty useless comparison. I can't see why you wouldn't wish someone you care about a happy birthday, even if it's an ex. Im pretty sure it will make her happy regardless of anything else, and it sure won't bring any harm. I think you've missed the point. Do you hang around a place that you're no longer wanted or needed? No. She stated that she no longer wants him or needs him. It's called symbolism. I'm not implying that he's in love with his boss...well, maybe his is, but who am I to judge.
Author MarkV Posted February 14, 2012 Author Posted February 14, 2012 Thank you guys for your replies. Graceful,my goodness,dont hold back!!ha! But yes I agree. After last nights dinner today has really made me think and im defo through with trying with her. She now has to stand alone and accept things too.
fetish1980 Posted February 15, 2012 Posted February 15, 2012 Graceful pulls no punches! Believe me... i know! But use it as fuel. That's her way of getting us to wake up! She means no harm. fetish
Frank13 Posted February 15, 2012 Posted February 15, 2012 i asked if she wanted to go out again one day. She said sure but didnt want me to get my hopes up This is the kiss of death. If she really cared about you it would hurt to go to dinner and not be trying to get back together. What she is actually saying is "I am completely over you and no longer in love with you. So, yes, I will take you up on your offer for a free meal but don't give me any crap about wanting to get back together because I no longer care and if you start getting angry because of this, I can always say I told you not to get your hopes up". which i understand as i know what she is going through. She is hurt and confused about what happened between us. There were little looks of love across the table from her and when we spoke about the ring i could see her welling up. What do I do? I reassured her endlessly when we broke up (she was still living at the house for two weeks) so she knows how I feel and all my cards are on the table. Do I give up or fight for the girl I love with all my heart? I don't think she is hurt and confused and I don't think there were looks of love across the table. That's just what you want to believe. You need to give up and go NC.
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