Dirtyeggroll Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 So long story short i have been talking to this girl for the past 5 months. We started talking about 3 months after she broke up with her ex bf who she dated for quite some time. He screwed things up for her as he cheated on her twice and now she is messed up with commitment issues. We do everything that a couple does and we just recently have become exclusive. So were pretty much dating just without the title of bf/gf. To be honest I think that its the title that scares her because she has only had one previous bf. And her ex bf cheated on her so thats the only thing that she can base her judgements off of and I feel like she has this preconceived notion that that's how all other bf's are going to treat her, but that is just my theory. She also complained that she had to deal with her ex bf getting jealous all of the time and that she isnt ready to deal with that again. Personally I don't think that's fair because its like she is implying that I am going to act the same way with jealousy. But whenever she talks to other guys I make sure to not get upset and just act cool about it because I know thats all she is doing is just simply talking. And I feel like if she see's me not getting jealous and upset that she will appreciate that and will be one way to show her that I am not like her ex and make her more comfortable. I really like this girl and want so badly to start a relationship with her. I talked with her about it and she said that she could see herself having a relationship with me in the future but as of now the timing is not good for her and that she still has some trust issues with me. (Trust issues are that she found out that I hooked up with another girl. However I sent flowers and wrote her a letter and we are stronger than ever as of now). I told her that I respect her and respect that she is not ready as I don't want to rush her at all and ruin things. I have talked with her friends and they said that Im doing all of the right things and that I should just be patient and take things slow as she is just being stubborn right now. So where we left off was that we are going to be exclusive and that we were going to keep doing what we have been doing for the past 5 months until she is comfortable with the idea of a relationship. I am willing to wait for this girl because she is def worth it. I told her that i am willing to do everything in my power to show her that she can trust me and that she is the only girl and that im willing to commit to her and that I will never betray her again. I feel like being exclusive and time will heal her trust issues with me and I believe after some time she will be able to fully trust me again. I know she isn't stringing me a long because I can confidently say that she is not that type of girl. She hasn't hooked up with any other guys since we started talking or anything like that so i do trust her. I feel like exclusive is the best place to be for us as of now as its a step below a official relationship. And the next step will eventually be a official relationship. So should I just continue being patient with her? OR should I back off and kinda give her a little taste of the cold shoulder to show her what it would be like without having me around and maybe that will make her realize that she is ready for a relationship with me? I was thinking of bringing up the relationship talk in another month or two and seeing where we stand. Is this a good idea or is it too soon? Also how will i know when she is ready for a relationship? I would really appreciate to hear peoples opinions and get some advice and I appreciate you reading my long winded story as well.
chelsea2011 Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 (edited) Hmm...this is a catch 22 type of situation. On the one hand, you want to respect her and not push her before she's ready and on the other, you shouldn't enable her issues by handling her with kid gloves. Honestly, it sounds like she hasn't given herself time to get over her last relationship and now you are carrying the heavier load of her baggage. That's not really fair to you. It's commendable that she is honest about where her head is at, but at the same time, she should not have brought you into the picture if she wasn't ready. Again, not fair to you. You can continue with the time line you mentioned however, you need to keep in mind that these issues can go on forever. You can prove that you're a decent guy and not like her exbf, but the only person that can resolve her trust issues is her. It's not your job to "fix" her, it's her's. If she is not actively working on those issues, peferrably in the therapy, you may find the relationship in the same spot a year from now. I suggest that you keep a time line in mind (keep it to yourself) while showing her your an honest upstanding guy who wants to be in a relationship with her. If you don't see any proactive changes on her part to resolve her issues and put the past behind her, then you should honestly reaccess the relationship at the end of your time line. Another thought is, she may have commitment issues and is using the "trust issues" as a way to keep you at a distance because it's convenient. It's a perfect ploy for a commitment phobe if you think about it. She can keep you at a distance, not put any energy into the relationship and the bonus is, she has you jumping through hoops to prove yourself to her. It totally feeds her ego. All she has to do is sit back, relax and reap the rewards of your hard labor! That sucks if you ask me. It's nauseating too. You have to decide what you're willing to accept and what you're not. I would set a personal boundary and call her out on her issues. There is nothing wrong with letting her know that you are not a doormat who is going to do all the work while she uses her past as an excuse to do nothing. I would even tell her to seek professional help to deal with her problems because YOU don't want to walk on egg shells constantly because of what some other guy did to her. Show her that your patience has it's limits and want her past behind her and dealt with, if YOU are going to stick around and be in a relationship with her. You can convey this in a calm yet firm way to get your point accross. She will probably respect you more for it. If she doesn't, is she someone you would want as a partner anyway? Stand up for yourself and don't let her walk all over you with her issues as an excuse. She is an adult and should do the adult thing by resolving her own problems instead of putting them on you. Good luck ! Edited February 13, 2012 by chelsea2011
chelsea2011 Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 (edited) (Trust issues are that she found out that I hooked up with another girl. However I sent flowers and wrote her a letter and we are stronger than ever as of now). I forgot to address this part. You hooked up with another girl? Did this happen while you were dating her and how did she find out? Did you come clean and tell her or did you get caught? If it's the latter, it requires more than just flowers and a letter. What is your thinking here; did you think, "Oops, sorry, I messed up...it just happened" and threw some flowers at her to solve the problem? Or did you figure out your own flaws behind why you did it and truly *see* that it was inappropropiate and accept full responsibility for your actions? There is big difference between the two. The former shows you didn't learn anything and may do it again if tempted and the other shows you understand that it was your own boundary issue, understand what you did and why and will make sure it won't happen again. If you did this knowing she had trust issues then you cooked your own goose (pardon the cliche') and it may be a loooong while before she trusts you, if at all. So you have two dynamics going on with her; one being she is messed up from her past and the other confirming her worst fears. If she is truly messed up from her ex, that's on er. If you hooked up with someone else knowing this, that's on you. Quite a dicotomy, I must say. I dunno. I think you both need to just lay it all out and each accept responsibility for your own stuff and go from there. Make a pact to that you will both be adults and not put your personal baggage on the other; you will resolve it instead. You will end up better people for it in the end. Last thought. How are you better than ever after you did what she fears most? How can she claim trust issues yet be okay with what you did? That doesn't add up to me. You really aren't better than ever if she is keeping you at bay. Edited February 13, 2012 by chelsea2011
Author Dirtyeggroll Posted February 13, 2012 Author Posted February 13, 2012 How will i know if she is taking proactive steps to fix her commitment issues? I can't imagine she is gonna tell me play by play what she is doing to fix it so how will i know? How can i ask her if she is doing things to fix it without insulting her or her getting defensive? Also how do I know if she is putting energy into the relationship? Yes i hooked up with another girl while we were talking and she found out from her friends. I sent her flowers and wrote her a sincere letter and I also talked with her for a long time about the situation. I definitely should never had made this mistake as it is definitely a setback. The whole situation has made me realize a lot about myself and her and what I truly want. It made me realize that I want to be with her and no one else. She has told me that she is a very forgiving person and that she always sees the good in people. Sometimes maybe too forgiving. But if she sees that a person is truly sincere and apologetic she will forgive them. While the situation was a negative one for sure I took the positives from it and we both agreed that while it was a bad situation, we both feel like were stronger and closer than before from it happening.
chelsea2011 Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 How will i know if she is taking proactive steps to fix her commitment issues? I can't imagine she is gonna tell me play by play what she is doing to fix it so how will i know? How can i ask her if she is doing things to fix it without insulting her or her getting defensive? Also how do I know if she is putting energy into the relationship? You won't have to ask because she will show it through her actions. If you start seeing her step outside her comfort zone and start to try to get closer to you emotionally, then she is proactively working her issues. If she remains the same and doesn't show any signs (through actions) that she is willing to commit, then she's not. It is all about actions and not words too. Someone can tell you they are changing how they feel, but if their actions are the same, they are just placating you to keep you around. Yes i hooked up with another girl while we were talking and she found out from her friends. I sent her flowers and wrote her a sincere letter and I also talked with her for a long time about the situation. I definitely should never had made this mistake as it is definitely a setback. The whole situation has made me realize a lot about myself and her and what I truly want. It made me realize that I want to be with her and no one else. She has told me that she is a very forgiving person and that she always sees the good in people. Sometimes maybe too forgiving. But if she sees that a person is truly sincere and apologetic she will forgive them. While the situation was a negative one for sure I took the positives from it and we both agreed that while it was a bad situation, we both feel like were stronger and closer than before from it happening. Ahh, I see. Thanks for the clarification. I understand your situation because it happened to me and I learned a lot about myself due to it as well. As long as you learned from it and have been honest and above board with her since, then you're fine.
chelsea2011 Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 How will i know if she is taking proactive steps to fix her commitment issues? I can't imagine she is gonna tell me play by play what she is doing to fix it so how will i know? How can i ask her if she is doing things to fix it without insulting her or her getting defensive? Also how do I know if she is putting energy into the relationship? You won't have to ask because she will show it through her actions. If you start seeing her step outside her comfort zone and start to try to get closer to you emotionally, then she is proactively working her issues. If she remains the same and doesn't show any signs (through actions) that she is willing to commit, then she's not. It is all about actions and not words. Someone can tell you they are changing how they feel, but if their actions are the same, they are just placating you to keep you around. Yes i hooked up with another girl while we were talking and she found out from her friends. I sent her flowers and wrote her a sincere letter and I also talked with her for a long time about the situation. I definitely should never had made this mistake as it is definitely a setback. The whole situation has made me realize a lot about myself and her and what I truly want. It made me realize that I want to be with her and no one else. She has told me that she is a very forgiving person and that she always sees the good in people. Sometimes maybe too forgiving. But if she sees that a person is truly sincere and apologetic she will forgive them. While the situation was a negative one for sure I took the positives from it and we both agreed that while it was a bad situation, we both feel like were stronger and closer than before from it happening. Ahh, I see. Thanks for the clarification. I understand your situation because it happened to me and I learned a lot about myself due to it as well. As long as you learned from it and have been honest and above board with her since, then you're fine.
Author Dirtyeggroll Posted February 13, 2012 Author Posted February 13, 2012 You won't have to ask because she will show it through her actions. If you start seeing her step outside her comfort zone and start to try to get closer to you emotionally, then she is proactively working her issues. If she remains the same and doesn't show any signs (through actions) that she is willing to commit, then she's not. It is all about actions and not words. Someone can tell you they are changing how they feel, but if their actions are the same, they are just placating you to keep you around. Ahh, I see. Thanks for the clarification. I understand your situation because it happened to me and I learned a lot about myself due to it as well. As long as you learned from it and have been honest and above board with her since, then you're fine. To be completely honest, i am not sure what signs to look for. We are emotional with each other as we act like were a couple. Everyone knows that we are talking. Which is why personally I feel like its only a matter of time before we become official. When we go out in public with friends in front of anyone for that matter we hold hands, kiss, etc. All the normal things a couple would do. Is that the actions your referring too?
chelsea2011 Posted February 14, 2012 Posted February 14, 2012 To be completely honest, i am not sure what signs to look for. We are emotional with each other as we act like were a couple. Everyone knows that we are talking. Which is why personally I feel like its only a matter of time before we become official. When we go out in public with friends in front of anyone for that matter we hold hands, kiss, etc. All the normal things a couple would do. Is that the actions your referring too? The fact that she is not afraid to act like a couple is a good sign. It at least shows she is letting you into her life out in the open. You will know she is beginning to commit when she starts eluding to the future without any hesitation. And without stipulations. My guess is, after what you wrote, is that she will bring it up or, at the very least, start throwing hints out. What's your gut telling you? Is it telling you the relationship is moving toward commitment? Or, is something not sitting right with you?
Author Dirtyeggroll Posted February 14, 2012 Author Posted February 14, 2012 The fact that she is not afraid to act like a couple is a good sign. It at least shows she is letting you into her life out in the open. You will know she is beginning to commit when she starts eluding to the future without any hesitation. And without stipulations. My guess is, after what you wrote, is that she will bring it up or, at the very least, start throwing hints out. What's your gut telling you? Is it telling you the relationship is moving toward commitment? Or, is something not sitting right with you? well honestly your first reply made me kind of uneasy ha. But even with everything you said I just can't see this girl being the one to lead me on or to play head games. She is one of the nicest, most mature girls that I have ever met. She made a mistake of acting too clingy/a little crazy the other night and she realized her mistake and apologized for it. And to me that means that she cares about our current relationship and doesn't want to ruin things. My gut is telling me that it is slowly but surely moving in the direction of commitment partially because of the fact that we just recently decided to become exclusive with each other. To me that was a step in the right direction and like i said that in my eyes is like a step below an official relationship. I don't think she would want to become exclusive if she didn't see any potential of a future with me.
chelsea2011 Posted February 14, 2012 Posted February 14, 2012 (edited) Sorry about scaring you with my first post...lol. I didn't have all the facts and was just putting some ideas that came to mind out there. That changed once you added more detail to the story. It sounds like the two of you are progessing along a consistant path even though it is slower than you would like. Consistancy is the key and if you have that, then just have a little patience and keep being the awesome guy you are to her and you should be fine. If she was blowing hot and cold on you and playing games then you should worry. That doesn't seem to be the case though. One last thought, as long as she is giving you the information you need to feel okay with things, that should help sustain you through the process. From what you wrote, she appears to be doing that too. Good luck! I hope it works out for you. Edited February 14, 2012 by chelsea2011
Author Dirtyeggroll Posted February 14, 2012 Author Posted February 14, 2012 Sorry about scaring you with my first post...lol. I didn't have all the facts and was just putting some ideas that came to mind out there. That changed once you added more detail to the story. It sounds like the two of you are progessing along a consistant path even though it is slower than you would like. Consistancy is the key and if you have that, then just have a little patience and keep being the awesome guy you are to her and you should be fine. If she was blowing hot and cold on you and playing games then you should worry. That doesn't seem to be the case though. One last thought, as long as she is giving you the information you need to feel okay with things, that should help sustain you through the process. From what you wrote, she appears to be doing that too. Good luck! I hope it works out for you. one last thing would you agree as a girl that she wouldnt just want to become exclusive for the hell of it? Like she did that because she sees a future? And thank you i appreciate it
chelsea2011 Posted February 14, 2012 Posted February 14, 2012 one last thing would you agree as a girl that she wouldnt just want to become exclusive for the hell of it? Like she did that because she sees a future? And thank you i appreciate it You are very welcome. To answer your question, as a woman, I would only offer exclusivity if I saw potential for a future. I can't speak for all women, but I don't think a lot of women would offer that without seeing potential. Of course there are exceptions, but if your gut is telling you she isn't the exception, I think it's safe to say it's right. I do know that if a woman has been hurt in the past and doesn't want a repeat performance, she will take it slow until she feels comfortable and secure enough with a person before she commits. That's not a bad thing actually. It means that she is self aware and taking the proper precautions to protect herself. Esecially if she was in an abusive type of relationship.
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