leannesagoodman Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 Hello everyone - I'm new to these forums as a member, but I've looked through many posts recently to help me out with what's happening here. I've realised now though that my situation's not the same as everyone else's so I figured the best thing to do would be to post about my own. I'm really, really sorry if this all gets long, but I don't think keeping back any details would be helpful. It does get a bit complicated though so thank you so so much if you stick with it! Me and my ex-girlfriend - it still feels odd saying that - met online about this time last year. We both live in the UK, so it's not the longest long distance relationship, but we're about a hundred miles away which is enough to mean that train tickets cost more than we can usually afford. We communicated through sites like tumblr and tinychat at first, as well as texting, and then eventually we moved onto skype. And we were just perfect for each other. I think we both thought that very early on, within the first few times we'd started talking. We could always make each other smile. She understood me, how I felt, what I liked, and I understood her completely too. We liked similar things, like the Boosh and the same music, which while I know isn't essential to a relationship, was really nice because we could bond over them. And she was and is completely beautiful, and she thought the same of me. The first time we met up properly was 14th May, when she came up for my birthday. We were still only friends at that point. The night that she went back home it all came out on skype about how we loved each other and should have told each other when we were there, but to me it didn't matter that we hadn't admitted it while we were with each other; I was just so happy that this perfect girl, this one person that I felt such a deep connection to, loved me in exactly the way that I loved her. It was insane but it was the best skype of my life. The problem with it was the distance, and has always been. Luckily I'd just had my birthday, so I had my birthday money, and that meant I could see her at her house a couple of weeks later, which was perfect. I felt an even deeper connection with her then, when we were being completely honest with how we felt. I don't think we've ever been happier than then, when we were together. It was another 50 days until I could see her again, and I really thought we'd never make it. She was always quite insecure, and I didn't like her beating herself up about things that were never her fault. She was so hard on herself, and being in a relationship where I couldn't even just walk up to her and hug her when she needed comforting only made her feel worse, I think. But we both thought the other was worth it. During those days though I think that's when she started hurting herself when she got down. Not regularly, just some evenings when she felt particularly bad. I always wished I could be there for her properly, with her, but instead we were just stuck on skype with no one there to actually comfort either of us physically. That said, we could still make each other smile. A lot of bad things happened during that time, including me coming out, which caused a lot of drama in my family, especially between me and my parents, which all got back to Jade. She hated them for the things they said, which is my fault for relaying it all back to her, but that hate did subside after a bit. So we saw each other after that long for another 5 days, which were amazing again. The problem this time though was that a couple of days after we were together, I had to go on holiday to Mallorca with my family for 2 weeks. This was really hard for us both because we used to text all the time, be on skype whenever we could be, and talk as much as we could on the phone. Being in a foreign country with expensive roaming charges and no internet was going to be so difficult, especially with us both missing each other and feeling insecure to start with. The holiday ended up being hell. Luckily I found some free internet, meaning that I could message her a bit more when it worked, but contact was cut down so much. We both said we'd write things to each other to give when I got back, and it's mainly through that that I know how hard it got for her. And that made it hard for me too, which shone through and ultimately complicated the whole situation. Because I was worried about Jade and I missed her, I was in such a bad mood with everyone else. I ruined my parents' and brother and sister's holiday by being horrible with them where I was stressed and concerned for Jade all the time, and by not taking part in any of what they did because I sat indoors messaging her and texting her all day. I did have reason to be concerned for her - she tried to kill herself at least twice, and many nights she was depressed. I tried to sound strong when I was messaging her and like I was coping, so I could help her out more, but eventually I caved when she told me about something she'd done that day, and I saw in her letter that that had really scared her. Jade needs someone strong that she can depend on and it was then that I lost that mask for good. As a result of me being so concerned all the time, my parents started to act towards me as I was acting towards them - just generally being awful and unpleasant. They started saying things about Jade, and all of those got back to her. I got so down that I told her I didn't want to be at home anymore when we got back to the UK, and that I didn't want to be away from her any longer. That was true, but it never ended up happening. But we muddled through it and got there in the end. That holiday really shook us up though. It had shown up how weak we both were and how really we depended on each other too much. But still, we were really happy to see each other on skype, and when I managed to get up to her again a couple of weeks after I'd got home. By this time we were getting into autumn, and this is when I'd say things started turning bad. I mean most of it was good, but the whole time just became very dark. Jade started self harming properly, regularly, and that got me so, so down. I hated to see her hurting herself when nothing was her fault, but I couldn't do anything to stop her and that frustration was what got me upset in front of her every night. I realise now that what she really needed was someone strong who could tell her it was okay and who could be there all the time. That said, I did come up more often in autumn and winter. I was up there every weekend, if not every other weekend, on money that I couldn't sustain for long but I used up anyway because I wanted to see her and be with her. The weekends were the only times we really felt alive and happy. The weekdays just felt pointless. All we wanted was to be together all the time. More stuff happened. I bunked off college, something that only came out during half term, when I was with Jade, and I was so scared of the consequences that I told Jade I couldn't go back home. Of course I ended up going back there. But if I could have stayed with her I would. I mucked her about again though, unintentionally. A similar thing happened again on a horrendous night in November, where I was arguing with my parents about going up to see her. My dad's parents were very ill at this point, and I was making out that I didn't care by going up to see Jade all the time. It's not that I didn't care about them; it's just that Jade was what made me feel better, and I was helping her too - she had gone and gotten counselling, and they'd told her that it was a good idea to see me as often as I could. But basically, on this night they ended up taking my phone, I ended up accidentally calling the police, telling the police that Jade had attempted suicide before and that's why I had to have my phone (just in case that got my phone back but of course it didn't), me telling Jade I couldn't stay here anymore, me trying to get out my house to get up to where she lives, and failing, and my parents calling her mum to tell her she'd tried to kill herself and her mum telling Jade that and Jade hating me for a night. So I'd failed again, as much as I'd tried. Things sorted themselves out though, even though during the weeks they felt different. Arguments were more common. Skypes felt more strained during the evenings, for me at least. And I was so worried all the time. She was just as insecure as before and every day ended up me telling her no, she was more than worth everything, she didn't have to be sorry for anything at all, she was perfect and that I loved her more than anything else, and it worried me so much. Eventually we had a skype where she said how she didn't think things were working how they did. She never said to break up or that she wanted to - she said she thought I'd leave like everyone else had done in the past, but I told her no, because I'd never leave her. I was seeing her that weekend anyway - the weekend of the christmas holidays - and I said that we'd work things out then because everything always feels better when we're together. So those days worked out, apart from a couple of evenings where we argued. But they resolved themselves in the morning. She gave me a ring for christmas. Even though we didn't have christmas together that made me far too happy. It meant that she didn't want me gone, and we were going to work out. But then I went up for new years and it really, really went wrong. We had a party with a few of her friends and it was just horrible. The 6 of us all had our own problems, and it ended up being everyone trying to help everyone else out and just bitching about each other accidentally. And it turned out that when Jade and her best friend are drunk, they're much more partial to the ideas of orgies with each other. We all ended up kissing each other on new years but even that wasn't a nice thing to do. I just thought that if it would make Jade happy though, then I'd let it happen. That night though it turned out she kissed her best friend when I wasn't there. Jade was annoyed at me for things I'd said about her that made her out to be a bad person, something she doesn't think she needs help with, but I never tried to and I was so sorry for it after. It's not an excuse but I regretted it so much. We made up after though, both on the day and after the thing about her and her best friend came out. I went home after new years and it was that night that I found out about it. Jade had been texting me a lot of quite horrible things while I was on the train, and then I found out about this kiss, and I decided I couldn't go to college the next day. I couldn't take anymore. Me and Jade made up but I went to the doctors anyway because by this point I'd become (and I still am really) extremely depressed. This didn't last long though, because I got really down. Our money had ran out so I didn't know if I would see her again, and I missed her so badly. We were finally okay but I was still upset, and I was struggling to see the point to much. Eventually she gave up texting that night to see if I was alright because she said she couldn't change my mind if I was really going to end everything. And so I'd ruined it all again. We made up at some point. But it became a never ending cycle of good-bad-good-bad and eventually, Jade ended it mid January. It broke my heart. The only thing that matters to me is her and here she was saying it wasn't working, which okay, it wasn't, but to think I'd lost her broke me. During this time my nan died and I had exams, so I wasn't in the best frame of mind anyway. Jade waited until after these had gone but it didn't make it much easier. 2 days after we broke up though, she gets drunk and starts saying how she wants to sleep with me. I didn't know if she was just using me for the dirty texts but I went with it. It turns out that she wasn't and the next day she said she was sorry and that she missed me and still loved me, which made me way too happy again. But yet again it didn't take it long to go bad again. I think it was something really small - I said I had to go and have dinner and that's all it took for her to shut down skype and to get annoyed, and to be honest I wasn't sure what I'd done. So good-bad-good-bad was back. Eventually though she started saying about how she wanted someone with her though. We still texted. She effectively told me that she wanted someone to help her through all the stuff she has to deal with, someone who could always be there. I can't be yet, not really, but I offered to try to get some money off my parents to see her. A couple of times I tried and it didn't work, due to the fact that my granddad was ill, and then passed away. That made her quite angry as she got excited for seeing me, and then learned that I couldn't be there, so a lot of things came out about how I was horrible to her behind her back to her family, which I'd never intended to be, and how I was never there enough for her and how much I hurt her by not being there for her. She thought I didn't care enough to be, but it was just a case of me simply not being able to be there. Eventually though I managed to get the money. She said she didn't want me seeing her family, so I ended up only being up there for 4 hours. But after 4 weeks apart, those hours were such a relief. She is literally like a drug to me. But seeing her again made me know that she's the one I want. Even after all this I STILL love her and I STILL care for her, and perhaps part of her did too. We cuddled and kissed and it felt like we were starting again, which was really nice. She said she wasn't sure what she felt but after I went home, mid-week, she texted asking me if I wanted to come up for half term. And that's where it's all gone wrong for the last time. I couldn't come up because I've had to come to Cornwall for my granddad's funeral. I wanted to see her, but I couldn't because I had to come to this. And I was so sorry, I am so sorry that I wasn't able to see her, because right now I miss her so badly and I know that that was my chance for us to have a proper fresh start, because now she thinks that I don't care for her enough to come up or try to get money for it or to see her. That's not the case at all though. She's all I think about, and she's the only thing that matters to me anymore. I don't know what to do. I only want to have her back to show her how much she matters, but this distance is ruining everything. It's caused us both to change. I know this should have maybe gone in the second chances section, but I figured that long distance relationships are a bit different. I'm so scared of not getting her back though. She doesn't understand that I live for her now and that she's the only thing that truly matters to me anymore. I love her more than anything else in the world and I have no way of convincing her of that without being there because she thinks I'm lying whenever I tell her now. She says she's tired of me lying, but I'm not and I don't know what to do. I love her. She is my soulmate. I've been in relationships before, and I wouldn't call her my soulmate unless I genuinely believed that she was. I never used to believe in any sort of love besides the idea that eventually, you'd find someone who you could tolerate as it were for the rest of your life, after the honeymoon period had ended. But when I met her it felt so different. I knew very early on that we at least had some sort of connection because I never connect well with people, but I was so comfortable with her, and she was with me. We both admitted that it felt different in a good way. It's hard to describe but I think you just sort of know, and I do. All I want - and all we used to want - was forever with each other. That would be good for us both, if it happened. It would be a year and a bit but when it happens, everything could be perfect. But now I'm worried because I think we may never have that. I just don't know what to do. I appreciate that not many people will have read down this far, so thank you so much if you have. But I just need help. We need help. We were so good for one another and still are, when we're together in person. How do I convince her that I do care for her though when she only thinks I'm lying? I'm scared that if she thinks I don't love her, she'll go to find someone else who will. I only want her and to make her feel how special she is to me. I don't know what to do.
Fasteddie Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 True love will withstand the test of time. You two right now needs to calm down and have a proper conversation, and setup some planning for the future. Talk with the parents from both parties, because if you two are that serious no normal loving family will want to see his or her own blood in agony. But you and jade must be realistic about you goals. Remember adults respond to other adults not childish behavior I hope things can worked out for the two of you
Author leannesagoodman Posted February 13, 2012 Author Posted February 13, 2012 True love will withstand the test of time. You two right now needs to calm down and have a proper conversation, and setup some planning for the future. Talk with the parents from both parties, because if you two are that serious no normal loving family will want to see his or her own blood in agony. But you and jade must be realistic about you goals. Remember adults respond to other adults not childish behavior I hope things can worked out for the two of you Thank you so much for the reply! And for reading this whole post; I am sorry for how long it is. I think we do need to calm down. I need to stop being so worried about her not coming back and panicking, and she needs to be less angry with me. But proper conversation is difficult until I'm there. I think I need to get up there somehow, but I don't know how to. I would walk if I could. I might. A hundred miles, would that work? :') We do need to be more realistic though, yes. I need to finish college somehow, but it hurts to be apart. So talking to our parents could help with that. I did go to a party with Jade and her family, and me and her mum ended up having a good drunk talk about how I worried about Jade and some of the things wrong with having the distance in our lives, and I remember her saying that if Jade truly loved me then she'd wait for me. That doesn't look like it's going to happen, but I really am hoping that some day we can be together. I just don't know how to go about convincing her that I do care for her still. If she knew that then maybe I could get up there and we could talk it all out ... it always seems to work out when I'm up there. The distance will have to be closed at some point. But it's this meantime that's eating us both up. I don't know how to see her but I think that it will help - I just don't know how to get her to calm down. It's so hard to communicate properly when we're not together, both physically and emotionally.
Fasteddie Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 You may have done this before, but may I suggest to give her something that's important to you? So in her mind she is with you all the time and u can't simply run away without it. This will slowly build her trust and over come insecurity. Write to her instead of text so she can look forward to something everyday or every few days the feeling of holding something you created is very different to a text. This will kill a lot of your time, even mailing her simple thing u find interesting doesn't have to be worth a lot of money. There are many creative ideas online. I personally think she has way too much free time, find her a hobby so she take her mind of things, e.g online mmo, Part time job, join a sporting club. Watch movies. Possibility are endless. As of right now all you can do is tell her how much u miss and love her, If she says she don't believe you then tell her you will show her next time u meet.
Author leannesagoodman Posted February 14, 2012 Author Posted February 14, 2012 You may have done this before, but may I suggest to give her something that's important to you? So in her mind she is with you all the time and u can't simply run away without it. This will slowly build her trust and over come insecurity. Write to her instead of text so she can look forward to something everyday or every few days the feeling of holding something you created is very different to a text. This will kill a lot of your time, even mailing her simple thing u find interesting doesn't have to be worth a lot of money. There are many creative ideas online. I personally think she has way too much free time, find her a hobby so she take her mind of things, e.g online mmo, Part time job, join a sporting club. Watch movies. Possibility are endless. As of right now all you can do is tell her how much u miss and love her, If she says she don't believe you then tell her you will show her next time u meet. I have done that before but I hadn't thought of doing that now - that's a really good idea actually, thanks I think I'll try that. I'm writing a letter to her at the moment because I think you're right - holding a letter is very different to a text, and it does show that I've tried and that I do miss her and love her. She might not believe it but I suppose the most I can do is show her as much as I can until I can get enough money to see her again. As for her having too much free time, I suppose that's true. I think a lot of the time she's not doing enough, and maybe that makes her just get down with things, like not just me, but other people and things happening in her life. Maybe we both need to get involved in that sort of thing and become less insecure. As much as that will hurt because it means she gets over me completely, maybe that will be what helps us both to find ourselves again. If we find the people we were then there could be a chance. I hope there is. I'm going to try to find myself again at least. The idea about sending something important to me though is really good so thank you for that I'll try using that. She does matter to me more than anything and all I want is for her to know that's true. Just somehow this has to work out. I'm going to send her this letter tomorrow hopefully, and even if she doesn't read it straight away, she's got it to read if she wants to know that I am here for her, even if we aren't together. I hope she does read it. She needs to know I do love her and eventually the distance will be closed, if we work at it.
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