Author ChrisMac Posted February 15, 2012 Author Posted February 15, 2012 Fluorescent, you are on a path to self destruction in this thread, just making you aware! Let him be lost for a while and try to figure things out on his own. He's pretty smart and has seen some stuff and posted stuff that I missed in my own breakup. I'm okay with it, DP. I do feel a little lost, but at the same time all the warning signs Fluo just posted happened in the same two-day period in after the middle of January. There were no warning signs before then. Having secured a great job here back in mid-December, it was way too late to bail out then just because she said "I want to be honest: my ex tried to get me back and I was momentarily insecure but finally realized I want you so told him to leave me alone". And yes, I would have come here anyway without her. I have a ton of school friends moving here in the next few months, the job is better than any other offer I could have expected, and it's just a cool town. I'm very sad to lose someone I cared so much about. I'm not entirely confident that I did nothing wrong, but I know that 95%+ of this issue is with her and not me, and I can't fix her. I also know I won't go back to her unless she comes to me and says she's fixed her issues and wants a deeply committed relationship. And the chances of this ever happening are almost nil. Life is good right now. I'm happy with me. Sure, I can get better, but I just had "magical thinking" () where it also included a great relationship, and I'm sad to lose that. But I can't look back at anything I did and say it was a serious mistake, and because of that, I'm surprisingly okay.
Dark Phoenix Posted February 15, 2012 Posted February 15, 2012 Red flags are "EASY" to point out after the fact and even a 4 year old can point to one But while "in love" they don't matter because you are wearing Rose-tinted glasses. A red flag can easily be changed to a green flag by communication and acceptance. One person's red flag could be another person's green flag. He accepted her for who she is, not his fault in any way.
Author ChrisMac Posted February 15, 2012 Author Posted February 15, 2012 In January this year you didn't even know if you were actually moving. You don't plan Chris and you don't take responsibility for your actions. Before xmas you had no money and in January your not even sure you are going to move. You are a 36 your old man with little money (right now) and no idea where he is going to be in 12 months time and all you can do is worry about a girl who bailed on you just before you moved to be with her. Fluo, your posts come off as being helpful, but please consider at least the possibility that you're just being overly combative in trying to prove your point. Here's a timeline if it helps: May 2011: She breaks up with her ex June 2011: I start work in her city for a great summer internship with a good company (I haven't met her), living with three good friends Aug 2011: I meet her for the first time Sept 2011: I'm back in my school's country Oct 2011: She visits for a weekend and it's great Nov 2011: We meet up four times, all great, each more intimate Nov 2011: I get a full-time offer from the company I interned with, which is (again) in her city. It's a very high offer, which includes a large starting bonus that I receive the month I begin work. Dec 2011: I see her two separate weeks just before Xmas and everything is great, we're both excited about me moving to her city Dec 2011: 20 of my classmates tell me they're moving to that city too Dec 2011: With all my school funding now low (as planned, not broke), my budget doesn't allow for surprise transatlantic trips but we talk for hours NYE Early Jan 2012: I land three projects, totaling $12K. I also secure the visa. We remain happy and excited. Mid Jan 2012: She lets me know about the ex trying to get her back, saying she was feeling like I was losing interest, but cuts him off Late Jan-Feb 2012: She's moody Feb 2012: I arrive, she's hot and cold, finally says she's lost the "spark", "that feeling" we had before the LDR. Now yes, there were clearly worrisome signs in mid-January. I was worried then and remained worried right through the breakup. This worry also didn't help our relationship a great deal. But if you will read that timeline you will see that she was the frosting of my decision to move to her city, one which I was and am sad to lose, but I'm a confident man, I made the right choice regardless, and I wish you'd maybe just understand that I hear you but do not agree that I made really horrible mistakes.
Author ChrisMac Posted February 15, 2012 Author Posted February 15, 2012 As I see it, the only thing I could have done different on this timeline is either: a) Never dated her to begin with, though certainly August is enough time to begin dating a girl who had a May breakup with a guy she only dated for one year? b) Immediately broken up with her at the first warning sign in mid-January. And I just don't think "Hey, my boyfriend contacted me trying to get me back, it freaked me out, but I told him off. I want you." is enough to end a relationship over. I knew the issues in January were not good. But by then I hope you will see I was already locked in... and I definitely still would have moved here.
Dark Phoenix Posted February 15, 2012 Posted February 15, 2012 I'm sure he will slam me for using the words "emotionally immature". . Nope, you are on the path. I see it in the progression of your posts. Soon enough you will see the grey too
Dark Phoenix Posted February 15, 2012 Posted February 15, 2012 Is the grey side equivalent to the dark side of 'the force' :laugh: Nice! "Outside the box" representation of the grey area. and Yup! it is! Its stage 4 where I am now and nicknamed "Devil's Advocate" See you are on your way!
Author ChrisMac Posted February 15, 2012 Author Posted February 15, 2012 Nope, you are on the path. I see it in the progression of your posts. Soon enough you will see the grey too I don't know what "the grey" means other than a rather disappointing movie I saw last week, but okay. I am certainly emotionally immature and always hope for the best, but here I think it's a matter of me posting this thread ("Did I kill it?") when I was devastated because of her behavior two days ago, and now having thought it through extensively, reading, thinking over what I did, what she did, what I deserve, what I should do, it's mellowed me out a bit. And that's good. If you would be so kind as a last gesture, please just show me where on that timeline I went wrong. Because I still don't see it.
Dark Phoenix Posted February 15, 2012 Posted February 15, 2012 As for your thread title the answer is " NO" Your only enemy in this relationship was time. Thus was going to be the outcome now or 6 months from now
Author ChrisMac Posted February 15, 2012 Author Posted February 15, 2012 As for your thread title the answer is " NO" Your only enemy in this relationship was time. Thus was going to be the outcome now or 6 months from now I buy that.
Recommended Posts