Author beenburned Posted February 22, 2012 Author Posted February 22, 2012 LB, After reading for years on many different infidelity boards, it is the norm on d-day for the WS to minimize, deny, and trickle truth the BS.(sometimes for years) They suddenly realize on d-day all they stand to lose by their cheating, so they shift into CYA mode. They feel like if the spouse knew all the details about just how bad they had been it would mean immediate divorce. In some marriages that is exactly what happens. Only 35% of marriages touched by infidelity survive in the long run.(5 years after d-day) But when you have children to consider, sometimes it is best to cool off and think of all the alternatives, in order to save your marriage. That is if you do love your spouse and think they are capable of long term change.
FrustratedStandards Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 (edited) I don't see why he would confess it all of a sudden after 20 years. He was unfaithful (which is the point) and you knew about it. Whether or not it was with 1 woman or 15 it doesn't matter, the point is you two past that bump and moved on, what's the point of bringing it up again? Besides, its not like his cheatings affected your marriage. You spent 20 years together and raised kids. If you didn't find out about "the extra cheats" nothing would have changed. So the way I see it, the cheating itself didn't affect the marriage (in this case because it was a long time ago and you knew he was unfaithful). Your knowledge that this happened changed your entire perspective. But the cheating didn't really have an affect on the marriage. So I don't see why he told you, or why you are letting it bother you when you've been through this and you have put it behind you already. I would be more concerned why he feels guilty all of a sudden to confess it to you now as opposed to when you already knew he was unfaithful. Why disturb the waters? Edited February 22, 2012 by FrustratedStandards
Author beenburned Posted February 22, 2012 Author Posted February 22, 2012 FS, You brought up a very good point! I will ask H this question, and post his answer.(might be this weekend, as we are going out of town today) But, if I was speculating, I would think: 1) the guilt finally got to him after holding it in for 20 yrs 2) he knew long ago I would have divorced him if I had the whole truth, so he wants me now to hear the truth, and freely decide if I still want him/the marriage(as my choice was taken away by lies long ago) 3) the kids are now grown, so if he confesses, and I leave he would have gotten out of paying many many years of child support(he's cheap) I'm hoping that it is number 1, because over all those years we grew so much closer and more intimate as a couple. He never fails to tell me how grateful he is for that chance I gave him many years ago. Why it bothered me so bad(at that time) upon learning the whole truth was: 1) During the 20 yrs after d-day, my career was at a high point. I was offered a great job that would have meant doubling my salary, and the definite possibility of other advancements, the only draw back was some travel.(and a possible move in future) When I discussed all this with H, he was totally against me taking the job.Even though my current job was basically a dead end. IF I had the knowledge that he was not looking out for my best interests, only his, I would have taken the job.(based on his whole treatment of me while cheating) BTW, my SIL applied for the same job and got it. She is now financially well off and lives in a fabulous home. I'm very proud of her, as she has worked herself up the ladder, and it has paid off very well for her and her family! 2) Directly after d-day, I left H to stay with my parents until I decided what I wanted to do. My HS sweetheart and former fiancee, found out about my situation, and paid me a visit at my parents home. He told me the reason he had not married was because he still was in love with me, and wanted to still marry me. He said he would raise my kids just as if they were his own. The only reason we broke up was a fight we had, and in my anger, I ended the engagement. My current H was the rebound guy after the break up. I didn't date him long enough to know him that well, especially rushing into marriage with him. I think if I had known the whole truth(on d-day) about just how bad H was(3 OW), I would have felt like he, and our marriage was a hopeless case, and divorced him.(at this point we were only married about 8 yrs) But based on what I was told by him,I stayed.(ONS w/1 OW) I will always wonder how different my life would have been, if I had divorced.
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