beenburned Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 Has anyone here found out the truth about their spouses affairs years later? I'll go first: In the early years of our marriage H was caught cheating. He confessed that it was just a ONS, and that it was the only time he was ever unfaithful. Fast forward almost 20 years later: H said he needed to confess the truth about what really happened years ago. The OW he got caught with was really his 3rd OW. He said he was afraid if he told the whole truth I would have divorced him.(probably would have) By this time the kids were grown, and he had totally changed from the person he was years ago. But sometimes I think about how different my life would have been if I had had the entire truth years ago on d-day. I still resent that I made many life altering decisions about my career and personal life during this time, all based on a false reality.
Betrayed&Stayed Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 My wife had a 3 month long affair with her co-worker. She broke it off and swept it under the proverbial rug for 8 years. At that time we were in our 20's without kids. Once she confessed 8 years later, we had two young kids and 10+ years invested into our marriage. Had I known about the A when it happened or soon thereafter, I would have definitely divorced her. It is a struggle to deal with the fact that those years were an illusion. It ticks me off that she allowed me to believe that illusion. All of those Valentine Days and Anniversary celebrations/cards were bogus; hence I haven't acknowledged them since the confession. We are still married with the help of 3 years of MC and individual counseling. My wife is a VERY different person now than she was during her affair. I often tell myself "that was then, this is now" when the demons torment me. The time lapse is a difficult paradox: the additional 8 yrs of marriage is the main reason were are still married, but we stayed married during that time because of the illusion. It is very difficult to reconcile that! I spent 2+ years trying to reconcile that piece. I discovered the only way I could deal with it is to allow that period of our marriage to "die". As hard as I tried in my head to "fix" the old marriage, I couldn't. I now live in our new marriage. I have to live in the present. I have to love my wife for who she is today. I will say that it is still a challenge after all of these years. I have bad days from time to time.
Spark1111 Posted February 14, 2012 Posted February 14, 2012 They say DDay is dday, whether the infidelity happened today or twenty years ago; the pain is the same. What may be harder to deal with it all those good years are negated by the fact that they never confessed to you when it happened! You were NEVER given the info and the choice to stay or go, so all those years you stayed you were operating under the falsehood of fidelity. That's a tough one and I understand. It is if all those years were tainted because your WS knew of their infidelities but it was NEVER disclosed to you; every good memory goes bad. Every holiday, milestone. vacation, is not the same to the BS, ever. Like you were living a lie. That is why so many espouse confession after the affair has ended. It shows integrity and a willingness to treat the BS with the respect they deserve....not cowardice and self=protection. My H had a 1.5 year affair with a D co-worker (2 years if you factor in the emotional affair that preceded!) and I cannot look at a pic from that time --and believe me, there were many family milestones--without growing nauseas.... Was he thinking of his AP? Waiting and plotting next to text or see her? Sharing our life with her, but without me in the story? Just yuck! I get it, I really do.
JRoy Posted February 14, 2012 Posted February 14, 2012 I finally sat down with my wife to ask questions about her affair (30 years later) and she dropped another BOMB! She admitted that at the time after her affair ended (OMM dumped her), she had an affair with my best friend during the time when we were trying to reconcile. D-Day all over again. I am still reeling from the news. All the emotions, all the feelings, memories, as if it just happened yesterday. There is plenty more I could say. The bottom line is dealing with all of the history we have shared with this man over the years including me being his best man at his wedding. I feel like such a fool. I guess its back to IC yet again.
Author beenburned Posted February 14, 2012 Author Posted February 14, 2012 B & S, What made your wife confess 8 years later? I think my H confessed because the guilt got the best of him. Plus, I think he really wanted to try and make up for all the lies he told me years ago. I do think it is a very good sign for the marriage, that they confessed all on their own. It shows they are willing to take responsibility for their actions, and face all consequences. Spark, You are right! It doesn't matter how long it is until you find out the truth, you still go through the same stages as other BS's. It was crazy making! I remember looking through all the old photo albums to piece together what was going on in our marriage during that old time period. I was trying to see if I missed any clues along the way. Sadly to say, the only clue was my H's abrupt personality change.(when questioned he always said nothing was the matter:rolleyes:) All of his short term flings(3), were just for sex. All occurred during normal working hours, either in the car or the place of business. There was no missing money, no phone calls, no gifts, no late nights getting home.
Author beenburned Posted February 14, 2012 Author Posted February 14, 2012 JRoy, OMG!! Are you O.K.? I've BTDT and you still go through all the same stages as other BS's. It will still take the normal 2-5 years to get over this.(even with counseling) But like I said above, I think it is a very good sign when they finally tell the whole truth. It shows they are taking responsibility and facing all consequences for their actions. They are trying to right a wrong!! I also remember feeling like a fool at being kept in the dark for so many years. Fortunately, all of my H's OW were women he met through his business, and I didn't know any of them personally. I'm sure it must be awful for the OP to have been someone so close to you(double betrayal) and involved in your everyday life. Keep posting here and reading all the great advice, as we have all walked in your shoes.(and it su***)
Betrayed&Stayed Posted February 14, 2012 Posted February 14, 2012 B & S, What made your wife confess 8 years later? I think my H confessed because the guilt got the best of him. Plus, I think he really wanted to try and make up for all the lies he told me years ago. I do think it is a very good sign for the marriage, that they confessed all on their own. It shows they are willing to take responsibility for their actions, and face all consequences. My wife confessed out of a religious conviction. She couldn't stand the burden any longer. I did make sure that her confession was not just another self-serving act to make her feel better. Her decision was based on honesty and respect for me and our marriage. She decided to take the huge risk of me divorcing her, which I seriously considered many times during reconciliation. My individual counselor asked me what it would be like if she never told me, or waited a few more decades. How would that make me feel? The idea makes me sick in my stomach. I am one that wants the truth, regardless of how ugly it is. Spark is 100% correct on the D-Day observation. My wife was not expecting me to react like it was a recent affair.
Author beenburned Posted February 14, 2012 Author Posted February 14, 2012 B & S, I find great hope for the reconciliation of the above marriages because of the fact that the WS's have been working at changing themselves and their marriages for years now. This shows by their actions that they are remorseful and willing to go the extra mile in proving it!
g450 Posted February 15, 2012 Posted February 15, 2012 I found out two months after the divorce, quite by accident. Found her love emails. Even when I told her I read the emails she still denied it. She was a good liar. Sadly, there is probably a mountain other stuff I dont know about and probably never will. That is why it is so important to just let that other person go. Get to a point where even their past indescretions no longer matter. I know, easier said than done. And all this has had an affect on my current relationship as I find it hard to trust women in general. I try not to let it sour my current life though.
2sunny Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 So your wife cheated on you with one guy; then when you were attempting to reconcile (you thought you were, anyway), she's at the same time, cheating on you with your best friend. Then she's been lying about that for the past 30 years, your entire marriage. This doesn't sound like an IC issue; it sounds like a divorce lawyer issue. Clearly your wife doesn't love nor respect you and never has. In one of your other threads you're in your 60's and don't want to get divorced. 60 is the new 40, and your wife richly deserves to get divorced. It's not your fault she delayed it by lying to you for 30 years. More importantly - CLEARLY these people who have repeatedly accepted behavior that IS unacceptable - have accepted it. But seriously - deep inside they have a place that tells them not to accept this violation that cuts deep to the core of a persons well being. Handing anyone THAT MUCH power is completely out of balance! Self respect - it shouldn't be handed to anyone else to stomp on... Ad that's exactly what a person is doing when they stay with a spouse knowing that they disrespected and disregarded them on such a huge level. A better question to ask yourself is "why am I staying when I deserve respect and honor?" Why would anyone love you when you aren't loving yourself enough to have a healthy boundary? Never settle! We all deserve to be loved - but it's not possible if you don't love yourself first.
Author beenburned Posted February 16, 2012 Author Posted February 16, 2012 2sunny, The biggest thing I see in the above cases is that all of the former WS have been remorseful and totally changed for years.(before the whole truth came out) My H's reason for not telling the entire truth(on d-day) was based in total fear that I would be mad enough to divorce him.(we had 2 young children at that time) I imagine the other WS's felt that same fear, especially if they loved their spouse and wanted to stay married to them. I would imagine that WS's that didn't care at all about saving their marriage, would just walk out to pursue greener pastures.
Lauriebell82 Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 My H's reason for not telling the entire truth(on d-day) was based in total fear that I would be mad enough to divorce him.(we had 2 young children at that time) Unfortunately, most habitual liars use this justification as a way of gaining sympathy from the person they are betraying. He wasn't thinking about your feelings or how mad you would be when he was cheating on you, was he? I'm sorry you are going through this. Can you get over this resentment? I personally would divorce him for keeping this from you all these years. But that's me. If you can get over this resentment and move on then stay in the marriage. I suggest individual counseling to help you work through this.
Author beenburned Posted February 20, 2012 Author Posted February 20, 2012 LB, Yes, I agree, most cheaters are selfish, and totally self centered, during the time that they are cheating. But the most important thing is that they not only changed, but they have changed for the long haul! Yes, they were very wrong to subject their spouse to such disrespect. But cheaters are known for that kind of behavior. I do think counseling is wise when trying to reconcile.
Lauriebell82 Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 LB, Yes, I agree, most cheaters are selfish, and totally self centered, during the time that they are cheating. But the most important thing is that they not only changed, but they have changed for the long haul! Yes, they were very wrong to subject their spouse to such disrespect. But cheaters are known for that kind of behavior. I do think counseling is wise when trying to reconcile. Yeah, but I think if he REALLY changed he wouldn't have led you to believe a lie for 20 years. It was very selfish of him to do that, as he was only thinking of himself, not about how it would effect you. That's behavior that occurs in ACTIVE cheaters. I'm not saying he was actively cheating all those years but he's STILL a liar unfortunately. I think you are admitting that what he did was wrong, however at the same time trying to justify it. If it were me, I would have a huge problem believing anything he says at this point.
Author beenburned Posted February 20, 2012 Author Posted February 20, 2012 LB, Thanks. I will always trust but verify. I wouldn't be a bit surprised if his parents had advised him not to divorce.(years ago) With our young kids and a new house, at that time, he stood to lose a lot. His whole family is very greedy with money.
Lauriebell82 Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 LB, Thanks. I will always trust but verify. I wouldn't be a bit surprised if his parents had advised him not to divorce.(years ago) With our young kids and a new house, at that time, he stood to lose a lot. His whole family is very greedy with money. Something important to highlight is that he DIDN'T tell you back then because there was a lot to lose. So he's telling you NOW because he figures you'll hang around and be justify what he did 20 years ago because he has "changed." Which is pretty much what you are doing. So essentially he is taking advantage of the fact that the kids are older and you've invested years into the marriage. It seems like you are allowing him to do that. Now I am not trying to bash your husband or discredit his steps to change over the years. But the fact that he is still being manipulative is a cause for concern. Does that concern you as well?
Author beenburned Posted February 21, 2012 Author Posted February 21, 2012 LB, No, it doesn't concern me, as his whole family is like that. He really doesn't have any reason now to try and force me to stay.(if I wanted to leave) We both have had long successful careers and saved money for retirement. Even if we were to divorce, it wouldn't leave either of us at poverty level, after dividing everything in half.
Steadfast Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 I realize it's a little off topic but something happened to me about a year ago. Perhaps it falls under the category of ignorance is bliss? Either that, or what does it really matter? I'll be divorced four-years later this year. My ex-wife's old boss (she's not old...the ex's boss at her previous job, when we were married) spotted me in the post office and said hello. The ex has issues with her when she worked there, and I'm sure the feelings we somewhat mutual, which I took into account. That said, she caught up with me as I was leaving to express her sympathies over the demise of our marriage, saying she 'always liked me' and that 'I deserved better'. I thanked her, not wanting to go into it but she kept on. "I'm not sure if you know this, but there was something going on between your wife and..." I stopped her right there. Thanks, but not interested in hearing it. It wasn't the first time that I'd heard those rumors, carried on by my ex well before the d-day that eventually ended us. I found some old email and Word docs she'd written on my computer, dated well in advance of the time she confessed to cheating...involving different people than she mentioned. Had I been hoodwinked? Was the whole marriage a lie? Had she 'been gone' for far longer than I suspected? Maybe...probably. My point is, cheaters cheat and lie. In the case of my ex, the same motivation that led to cheating probably fueled her motivation to leave and explore other relationships. Was I used? Yes. Did she take advantage of me? Certainly. I was kept in place for support while she fooled around. What once made me angry now makes me sad. For her. My ex owns her actions and just because I was a part of it doesn't mean my time and energy was wasted. Sometimes, our trust is betrayed and while it's cruel and uncalled for, I'd rather be fooled than be a fool. And she is, IMO. For those of you in the unfortunate position of revisionist history, take heart. Do what you must to deal, but know the power of fear. It's real. 1
nofool4u Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 But sometimes I think about how different my life would have been if I had had the entire truth years ago on d-day. I still resent that I made many life altering decisions about my career and personal life during this time, all based on a false reality. Oh yes, I found out years later that my x-wife cheated while engaged. My experience is also why I say anyone who advises to not come clean to their spouse should not be taken seriously. For my experience, and the very reason you stated above. I could have saved myself alot of problems if I had known years ago. And because my X thought that if she kept it to herself, then got married that she'd never do it again. All it taught her is that she could get away with it, and since there were no consequences to her actions, she learned the lesson that all she has to do is keep her mouth shut and she can do it again later. So for all those advising the cheaters here to keep their betrayed victims in the dark, and continue to lie to them, they can go blow. 2
Crusoe Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 Has anyone here found out the truth about their spouses affairs years later? I'll go first: In the early years of our marriage H was caught cheating. He confessed that it was just a ONS, and that it was the only time he was ever unfaithful. Fast forward almost 20 years later: H said he needed to confess the truth about what really happened years ago. The OW he got caught with was really his 3rd OW. He said he was afraid if he told the whole truth I would have divorced him.(probably would have) By this time the kids were grown, and he had totally changed from the person he was years ago. But sometimes I think about how different my life would have been if I had had the entire truth years ago on d-day. I still resent that I made many life altering decisions about my career and personal life during this time, all based on a false reality. Yup, for me that was what lasted the longest. To know that where I live, what I do for work, etc, were decisions based upon someones lies. She'd been cheating off and on for 7 years. Apparently the first time was shortly before we moved in together. I didn't find out about her current affair until a while after she left, then the floodgates opened and I learnt of all of them. The evening before she left I was painting the room that was to be a nursery, she'd chosen the colour a few days previous. Whilst I was painting she was sat yapping about baby names, hair and eye colour, schools etc. All the time her knowing that she was planning to run off with another fella the next day. I gave up trying to understand a mind like that years ago, I found it just took you to places you'd rather not know about. As for the rest, well, you can't miss what you never had, and you never know where another path may have taken you. Could have been better, could have been worse, one things for sure it doesn't exist.
Author beenburned Posted February 21, 2012 Author Posted February 21, 2012 Crusoe, You brought up a good point. Even if we had divorced many years ago, there is no guaranty that my life would have turned out better.(with or without marriage to someone new) After all, I know lots of people that have had multiple marriages.
Lauriebell82 Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 I guess I can't fatham the thought of trusting or believing anything that my spouse said if I found out he had lied to me for that long. I am a drug and alcohol counselor and I find out clients lie all the time about being clean. It pretty much makes me question every single thing they say from then on out...which is rather frustrating. And I have to continue to deal with them because it is my job.
Lauriebell82 Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 LB, No, it doesn't concern me, as his whole family is like that. He really doesn't have any reason now to try and force me to stay.(if I wanted to leave) We both have had long successful careers and saved money for retirement. Even if we were to divorce, it wouldn't leave either of us at poverty level, after dividing everything in half. BB, Did you give him any accountability or consequences for the deception? I mean what's to stop him from doing it again? I feel like you are being too trusting in this situation..maybe as a means of coping? (which is understandable) I obviously don't know your husband but I think you are giving him WAY more loyalty then he deserves at this point.
Author beenburned Posted February 21, 2012 Author Posted February 21, 2012 LB, He has always bent over backward in his efforts to change the behaviors that led him to cheat many years ago. He has proven himself trustworthy many times over. I'm sure your profession has left you jaded since you see the worst in people on a daily basis. I'm retired from banking, boy could I tell you some of the stories we heard on a daily basis as to why their checks were bouncing.
Lauriebell82 Posted February 21, 2012 Posted February 21, 2012 LB, He has always bent over backward in his efforts to change the behaviors that led him to cheat many years ago. He has proven himself trustworthy many times over. I'm sure your profession has left you jaded since you see the worst in people on a daily basis. I'm retired from banking, boy could I tell you some of the stories we heard on a daily basis as to why their checks were bouncing. It's definately taught me not to put up with lying and manipulating! (no offense to you) So he proved himself trustworthy over the years, is he planning on doing that again (now that you found out about another deception?) I guess what I'm trying to say is that if that helped you stay all these years and get over the anger and resentment of him cheating, then making sure he proves himself trustworthy AGAIN could help you get over this. Is he trying to take steps to make this up to you right now? I think you need to have him prove himself trustworthy again and not let him off the hook with this.
Recommended Posts