BetrayedH Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 Drifter, You have been in my thoughts a lot the last few months. I'm glad to see you return to your thread with something positive to say, even if it is many years late on the part of your wife and perhaps yet a dollar short. Oddly, I never finished that book since I found my wife's blog post first. She most certainly won't be doing the hard work required to earn forgiveness. I hope yours does. Kidd 1
Owl Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 True forgiveness is not a gift that the betrayed grants the betrayer. It is certainly not a gift the betrayed gives to themselves. The betrayer needs to work hard and demonstrate over time that they are worthy of forgiveness. It is something that is earned by the betrayer, and it is not a given that the betrayed will ever be able to forgive. Forgiveness was something I THOUGHT I gave within a few days after d-day. What I actually gave at that time was an acceptance that it happened, and a willingness to attempt to deal with the outcome of it. True forgiveness was given after she demonstrated true remorse...and demonstrated (over time, with a lot of effort) a renewed trustworthiness. I had to see that she "got it". That she truly understood the scope of what she'd done, the damage she caused...and that she sincerely and truly was remorseful for having done so. THAT...plus demonstrating a change in both attitude and behaviors that showed me that she was indeed trustworthy NOW, where she hadn't been before....were the needed criteria before I could honestly, completely forgive her. Drifter...I'm glad to hear that things may indeed be moving forward for you, my friend. 2
Cold_Hard_Truth Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 This post should be mandatory reading for anyone that has ever been cheated on and is contemplating the idea of staying together. My heart goes out to you.
DuckSoup Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 (edited) Even if she finally "gets it" after 20 years, it shouldn't count. That's just too da8mn much time. Even if it's sincere this time, which is unknowable (you said she seemed to get it in the past but really didn't). 20 years and NOW she decides to get with the program? Sorry, too late baby. On the other hand stop kicking yourself for not dumping her way back when. You had little kids. No matter what anyone says nowadays, the kids were better off with an intact home since you were able to suck it up while they were being raised. Also, back then there wasn't all this knowledge about infidelity and these things were frequently swept under the rug. You have the knowledge of infidelity now that you did NOT have 20 years ago. You might as well kick yourself for not investing in Apple 20 years ago. (Maybe you did, if so, $$$$$$$$) This issue with the wife's sister doesn't strike me as necessarily positive. It sounds like they are two peas from the same pod (evil betrayers) or perhaps your wife screwed her sister over way back when, the sister buried it just like you did, but now it's payback time. Your wife claiming to be "shocked" that her dear sister could give her the shaft is so much horse manure, your wife is a manipulator of the first order, she is just trying to make you feel sorry for her and blame-shifting to her sister. Rather than feeling sorry for herself over her sister's betrayal, had your wife said "Guess what? My sister just screwed me over. I guess that's my bad karma since I gave you the shaft 20 years ago and never got any payback! Guess I deserved it, too!!!" then and only then could we speculate that your wife "gets it." See your wife doesn't sound like she believes she deserved getting the shaft from her sister. If she had any sense of cosmic justice, she would appreciate it, chalk it up to bad karma, and not complain about it. Poor little her. Also, I would like to know the details of the "terrible betrayal" of your wife by her sister, since it is unimaginable to compare anything with the kind of betrayal you experienced, and obviously your wife and her sister didn't have a romantic relationship! So the only thing it could be is some issue over money or finances. Does it have something to do with someone's will or estate, the sister is the executor, and screwed your wife out of what she believes to be her rightful share? Or maybe some business dealing. What else could it be? It has to be about money, right? There finally is some good news, and that is she is having an awakening regarding betrayal and forgiveness. My wife has experienced a terrible betrayal by her sister and this seems to be helping her understand how I feel. This is her older sister whom she trusted unconditionally, making this betrayal nearly unbearable. I have read the book "How Can I Forgive You" and I gave it to her and told her I thought it might help her deal with the pain her sister has caused. Well, the parallels of her sister's betrayal of her and her betrayal of me are dramatic and are beginning to open her eyes. I highlighted the following for her and it's worth posting. I encourage anyone to read this as it is pretty powerful stuff. Again, after 20 years, you're kidding right? Look it's really simple. Your wife sure does understand what betrayal is all about because it's her stock and trade. However she always wants to be on the betrayer's side, not the betrayed one, that's the only thing she's shocked about, her sister did it to her before she could do it to her sister! Just look her straight in the eye and say: "Look this has been going on for twenty years with your pretend nonsense and not getting it or just not caring enough about me to get it. So now that the kids are grown and out and I really don't give much of a shart about this poor excuse for a marriage anyway, I will give you an object lesson. I am going out to have sex with a high class call girl and I intend to enjoy every minute of it. While I am gone doing that for two or three hours, you can think about whether you 'get it' or not. When I get back if you have an issue with me screwing a hooker, I will say "I'm sorry" to you with the expectation that will make everything all better. And you know what? I'll still be a BETTER husband than you were a WIFE to me for the past twenty years, because I'm being honest about what I'm doing." Say it to her. Then go do it. (Or at least figure out a way of pretending to do it so that she doesn't know you didn't actually go with a hooker.) If she responds by filing for divorce, you'll know for sure she's been jerking you around for the past twenty years, because the only reason she'd file for divorce is because she DOES understand betrayal, and if she did NOT understand it, she wouldn't care enough to impose any consequences on you. Edited July 7, 2012 by DuckSoup
GLDheart Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 For me it is actually pretty simple: I seperate my pain. That hurt is mine to deal with. I then view my wayward ex's betrayal as coming from HER flawed character. That is hers to deal with. Forgiving her then is like forgiving a child that hurt me from ignorance and just needs to grow up to know better. If she can grow, heal, or whatever it takes for her to be better... well, good for her then. The best part of this? Unlike a child that is my responsibilty, It is not my job to stick around through her failures as a human being... As far as I'm concerned, her parents can have her back. 1
Furious Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 I don't think anyone has to put a time limit on forgiveness. I think that everyday you spend with someone who will not own what they did or make an effort to facilitate forgiveness then it is one more day added to the betrayal. Perhaps there is also the need to forgive oneself for choosing to love someone who could hurt you so deeply. Whether you stay together or part, the sorrow and pain remains, and it is so frustrating to know it will take years or even a lifetime to get over it and hopefully be at peace with the past. I think the sooner one can forgive the sooner they can heal. Thank you drifter777 for sharing your story.
BetrayedH Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 Drifter, I don't have a complete thought here but perhaps just a question... What do you think you need to forgive yourself for? I gather that it is for staying but that strikes me as a very surface answer. In and of itself, staying with her caused no real harm to anyone. Well, to yourself, I suppose. Obviously you are still carrying the pain of her betrayal with you; you mentioned that you still have mind movies. Still, there is no crime you committed upon anyone. You sacrificed yourself for the sake of maintaining a nuclear family and I would suppose that you hoped for a return of the wife you thought you knew. Again, not a crime and no one is hurt from this except you. In fact, you protected others when you clearly could have selfishly protected yourself. What do you have to forgive yourself for? It makes me wonder if you don't simply regret (in 20/20 hindsight) that you hadn't taken a harder line with her back in the day. Now that you understand the strategies and tactics, it's hard not to regret the poorly calculated decisions we made during the shock of it all. I certainly carry regrets about my actions. I think I am still spending quite a bit of time calculating where I went wrong at all stages of the damn thing. I guess where I differ is that I don't much blame myself. I sure as hell didn't see this coming and I definitely didn't know what to do. So I guess the question is...now that you know what to do, do you do it now? Is this what you are really wrestling with? Do you now insist upon a remorseful spouse? There is no one left to protect really. I'm not trying to push you to divorce. I just know something is still unresolved 20 years later. Is it time to instill those boundaries of what you will accept? To force her to deal with the fog or face consequences? I honestly don't know but I wonder if what you are dealing with today is really about today moreso than what you did or didn't do 20 years ago. I feel for you Drifter. I hope you finally find a healthy place. 1
Steadfast Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 Time is short for me, so I haven't read every response. Hope I'm not repeating what someone else has already written. There are different levels of forgiveness. One critical part is for your wife to ask for it. Did she? Did she ever specifically, pointedly ask that you forgive her for betraying you? If not, then she doesn't feel the need for (or the importance of) it, and that could be the root of your problem. Naturally, accepting her apology and forgiving her is up to you. People toss out "I'm sorry' too easily these days. Children learn early that apologizing is the ticket out of a jam, but all too often it's insincere. No one can force an apology ("Say you're sorry!!!") because forgiveness must be applied for, not demanded. The truest test? Never having to say it again. I've read your pleas and thoughts on this before drifter. It isn't going away. Time to have a heart-to-heart with Mrs. Drifter. 1
giantfan Posted July 8, 2012 Posted July 8, 2012 I am finding it impossible to forgive my wife for cheating many years ago. While I am usually able to keep it out of my thoughts because I don't think it ever happened again, I still trigger sometimes and feel the pain and anger all over again. I know I cannot change the past, but is it possible to resolve the hurt and shame I feel? I've also never forgiven myself for the decision to not end the marriage. I thought that time would heal and found that time isn't enough. Now I am thinking that the only way to correct the mistake is to walk away from her all these years later. The thing holding me back is the fact that I would be punishing both of us for something that happened decades ago. I'm not sure I would be any happier, and I'd rather be happy then right. This dilemma is killing me. I welcome any advice on forgiveness from fellow BS's. Wow, 2 years this month was my D-day. I have been having the same exact feelings as you. Its tearing me up inside.
jnj express Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 Hey Drifter---you took her back 20 yrs ago, for various reasons---only you know, why, for no one walks in your shoes but you You have been in misery ever since---it is a silent misery, but you endure it---I am sure many reconciled Betrayed's endure the misery, There are legit reasons to try and R., the mge---but it does not take away the visions/memories/pain/hurt/loss of trust/and the knowing that your wife, the one who you loved with no reservations, took another man to her bosom, in preference to you In your case, she has maintained for years it was a life experience she needed---that is the most unmitigating ridiculous piece of crap, I have ever heard---I am sure she dated prior to you, so she had life experiences---bottom line is she WANTED THE GUY SHE WENT TO BED WITH---and you DID NOT MATTER TO HER, he turned her on---and she was gonna have him, no matter what---to her at that point, you really did not matter. She got what she wanted, then did what she needed to keep you---back then you stayed, it was your decision, and you were stuck with it, So then begs the question, since her A., has she ever really "loved" you---or is she just enjoying her lifestyle, which you provide for her, and enduring what she has to, to stay with you---cuz, as you said yourself---she would have D., you, had you prevented her from going to her lover. You say she now gets it, who knows, cuz with the answers like "you need to get over what i did", etc---she is still SELFISH, she probably has never been selfless--- it doesn't really matter what her sister did to her, its what your so called wife did to you You are probably not far from your golden years, and from that point on, you really do spend a whole lot of time together, with less contact from the outer world, you get older, you don't run around as much, have less friends, less movement, and contact---so you will be in even more contact with your wife, than you can fathom You have to decide, if you wanna go on---it is obvious in your case, that her open "dissing" of you long ago, is not gonna go away---and why should it----I have no idea what your mge is like now---but you do sound like you are in misery, much of the time, while, she---she just settled right back into the mge., as if nothing happened---you allowed it then, whether you continue to allow it is up to you----your wife, your life.
Author drifter777 Posted July 9, 2012 Author Posted July 9, 2012 Drifter, I don't have a complete thought here but perhaps just a question... What do you think you need to forgive yourself for? I gather that it is for staying but that strikes me as a very surface answer. In and of itself, staying with her caused no real harm to anyone. Well, to yourself, I suppose. Obviously you are still carrying the pain of her betrayal with you; you mentioned that you still have mind movies. Still, there is no crime you committed upon anyone. You sacrificed yourself for the sake of maintaining a nuclear family and I would suppose that you hoped for a return of the wife you thought you knew. Again, not a crime and no one is hurt from this except you. In fact, you protected others when you clearly could have selfishly protected yourself. What do you have to forgive yourself for? It makes me wonder if you don't simply regret (in 20/20 hindsight) that you hadn't taken a harder line with her back in the day. Yes, I regret deciding to stay. My plan for recovery was to hope to God that time would heal the wound. It was a stupid decision I made out of fear of being on my own and fear of being separated from my 8 year-old son. Since my response to what she did was motivated by fear, I look back and have nothing but self-loathing for being such a coward. Even back then I was so disgusted with my decision to stay that I told no one about her cheating for fear (there's that word again) that everyone who knew me would see what a coward I really was. As much as the whole mess made me physically sick, I still didn't leave because of my fears. Now that you understand the strategies and tactics, it's hard not to regret the poorly calculated decisions we made during the shock of it all. I certainly carry regrets about my actions. I think I am still spending quite a bit of time calculating where I went wrong at all stages of the damn thing. I guess where I differ is that I don't much blame myself. I sure as hell didn't see this coming and I definitely didn't know what to do. So I guess the question is...now that you know what to do, do you do it now? Is this what you are really wrestling with? Do you now insist upon a remorseful spouse? There is no one left to protect really. This strikes right to the heart of my dilemma. I'm sure that the reason my anger and resentment are coming to the surface so strongly is that the kids are grown so staying for them is no longer necessary. So yes, I now insist on a remorseful spouse. I want my wife to realize the damage she has done to me. I want her to pay the price for her selfish decision to cheat while using me as her back-up plan. I want her to feel my pain.
scatterd Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 Being cheated on is a big hurt and we stay in hopes of healing. Not all of us can, as much as we try. The purity is lost, trust and the innocence of how the marriage was . You need to let go of the way it was and learn how to trust and love this person for how it is now. A mistake is one time thing more then that is not. We marry with a commitment to be faithful. Why marry if that is not the case. We have a choice to stay or go and even if it is years latter. She had her choice and did not ask how you felt. I am not trying to be mean or put anyone down it is what it is. It is not your fault but I can tell you want to be able to forgive by what you wrote. If you decide to stay they have groups that helps couples reconnect. For giving comes with trust and knowing it wont happen again its starting over. You cant expect it to be like before but you can make it by excepting the now. I wish you the best in what ever you decide so do what you need to be happy. Sometimes divorce can end up worse so think hard about your options, Good Luck!
eeyore1981 Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 Yes, I regret deciding to stay. My plan for recovery was to hope to God that time would heal the wound. It was a stupid decision I made out of fear of being on my own and fear of being separated from my 8 year-old son. Since my response to what she did was motivated by fear, I look back and have nothing but self-loathing for being such a coward. Even back then I was so disgusted with my decision to stay that I told no one about her cheating for fear (there's that word again) that everyone who knew me would see what a coward I really was. As much as the whole mess made me physically sick, I still didn't leave because of my fears. This strikes right to the heart of my dilemma. I'm sure that the reason my anger and resentment are coming to the surface so strongly is that the kids are grown so staying for them is no longer necessary. So yes, I now insist on a remorseful spouse. I want my wife to realize the damage she has done to me. I want her to pay the price for her selfish decision to cheat while using me as her back-up plan. I want her to feel my pain. I can relate to some of this. It's going on five years for me. I stayed. My initial reaction was to leave, but I needed things to be a certain way, and it was just impossible at the time. My husband has had five years to understand what happened and do the work I needed him to do to make this work. He's done some of it, but not enough. I don't regret my decision to stay. I needed to be around for my kids, and I needed to make a clean break, both of which were not possible five years ago. My last child recently moved out, and I've almost got things aligned out where I can leave and NEVER have to speak to my husband again if I so choose. For the last five years, I tried and tried and tried to make this work. The sad thing is I worked harder at it than he did, just like I have always worked harder at this marriage than he has. I used to want him to understand, but now, I don't care anymore. I don't care if he ever gets how much he hurt me. Some people like to say the BS is also responsible for the affair, or the BS is also responsible for the marriage being bad, but I don't believe that, at least not in my case. I was a good wife way past the point my husband deserved a good wife. I did NOTHING to deserve the way he's treated me, and I did NOTHING to deserve being cheated on and lied to. I've read so many stories of people who cheated, and their list, well, that's my list, too, but I didn't cheat, he did. It takes two people to make a marriage, but it only takes one to break it. So, it looks like I'll be leaving soon, and when I do, there will be no explanations, no more chances, no more anything. He should know why, and if he doesn't, that is just another reason to leave, no one should be that oblivious. I don't owe him anything anymore. To me, the only reason to even discuss it anymore is to give him another chance to 'see the light', and I really don't care anymore if he does or not, I don't care if he learns from this after I'm gone and has a great life with someone else, while I spend the rest of my life alone, I just don't care anymore. I know trying to spend the rest of my life with someone who will always, always, always put himself before me, no matter the situation, is something I have no interest in, and I know I'll be happier without trying anymore, and for me, that's all that matters now. 1
2sure Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 I have to point something out that I personally have found to be true...sorry if it's been said. I left, but I am still walking around with the burden, the shame, the regret, the way I played my cards, etc. I'm just saying that unless you forgive her and yourself, as I have to...leaving or not may not be the difference maker. 2
beenburned Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 drifter, I think you are being too hard on yourself. We can only deal with the infidelity with the knowledge we have at that point in time. On my d-day, I had few options and no knowledge. I was a SAHM with 2 young kids. When I told my parents, they said it was best for the children if we stayed together.(even though I wanted to divorce him) So I went to the library(before the internet), and checked out lots of books, in order to better understand what had happened and how to fix it. I then found a job and went to college at night. All in hopes of being able to leave him. Long story short, he did change permanently! However, by the time the kids were grown, he started freaking out wondering if I had only stayed until the kids left home.(as he knew the only reason he got a second chance was for their sake) He even prepared speeches about how much he had learned and grown from his past mistakes. He also repeatedly pointed out that there are no guaranites that a new person/spouse might not cheat on you. One of the hardest things for me to ACCEPT was that it would always be part of the history of our marriage. And because I chose to reconcile, he would not have to pay the consequences that divorce causes.(dividing everything and starting over) Since you have a long term marriage, I would suggest separating and living on your own for a while, just to make sure this is definately what you want. 2
Darth Vader Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 Yes, you are pretty much spot on. In reference to your question regarding the shame thing, I am ashamed that I was too weak to walk away back then. It was my choice to stay but it's hard living with that mistake. I also ashamed for her slutty behavior. She now refuses to talk about the incident because she says she has told me everything and apologized for all of it many times. I tell her I don't believe that she has let go of the "but it was a valuable experience" and she puts it back on me saying "that's your problem". Given the history of this whole thing I think she should be willing to keep working to finally resolve it. I want to inform you even if you did decide to stay in the marriage, years later you can still divorce her, you realize you have absolutely NO obligation to stay in this bad marriage. Remember, you didn't fail, your wife did! It's obvious your wife is doing blameshifting and rug sweeping, you can still divorce her, YES even after all these years! File for divorce and drop her ass! Let's see how much of a problem she has with that! When she starts crying and begging again, tell her, "that's your problem"! She learned nothing, as the saying goes: No consequences for her actions, means no motivation for change! 3
DuckSoup Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 I agree with all of the above who are saying drifter is needlessly putting all the blame for not leaving 20 years ago on himself. This isn't really about the decision 20 years ago. It's because during the interim, for the past 20 years, drifter's wife has not done what she needed to ever show drifter she was really sorry, really loved him, really remorseful, and dedicated to having a loving marriage with him. For the past 20 years she has probably in one way or another on a daily basis been disrespecting him, emotionally, sexually, and in every other way. He gave her a second chance but she never really changed in all this time. She's been rug sweeping for 20 years (except maybe very recently). The problem isn't what happened 20 years ago, it's how drifter feels NOW. I get the sense that he is and remains unable to express how he REALLY feels to his wife, even now. He needs to "vent" on her big time. He's still afraid to do that. He needs to call her out for the wh8re that she was and for the rug-sweeping unremorseful disdainful spouse who got away with it for the past 20 years. This is not 20 years in the past, it's something that needs to be done today, but he's afraid to do it. By keeping the focus on 20 years ago drifter can conveniently tell himself that "there's nothing I can do about it". It's a defense mechanism to keep himself from having to call out his wife for what she did and how she's behaved in the present. Drifter, have you ever really called your wife out? No holds barred? Not just for her cheating, but for her disdainful behavior for the past 20 years? I'm guessing you haven't. You probably have all kinds of excuses as to why not. Well I'm call chicken sh*t on that. Stop blaming what you didn't do in the past for today's problems, and start looking to your lack of courage in the present as the problem, and the source of a possible solution.
frozensprouts Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 Drifter, you sound like such a nice guy, and I'm so sorry that you are hurting... It really does sound like you are punishing yourself for the choices you made long ago. are you really being fair to yourself? You made the decision to stay based upon what you knew and felt at the time...you made the best decision given what you knew at the time. There is nothing to be ashamed of in that. My suggestion to you would be a couple of things... first, sit your wife down and really talk to her> do not allow her to deflect your feelings or to ignore or change the subject. Explain to her how you feel, and that you want some space and time for yourself to do some serious thinking about your future. Tell her that you want to attend marriage counseling together, but other than that, for the time being, you need time on your own away from her. If you do decide to stay together, she needs to know that if there is to be any hope of that happening, you need to be able to completely and totally open up to her about your feelings, and she needs to actually listen to you and get what you say. It's not about her and her feelings, it's about you and what you need. She needs to her your pain and your anger and your sense of shame over her actions. if she can't handle that, then, I'm sorry to say, you are probably better off apart. As for the suggestions made about cheating on her, calling her names or running her down to your children...those things don't sound like who you are. You are better than that, doing those things won't make you a "man" or more "alpha" it will just make you a jerk, which is not who you are at all. It sounds to me like you are a really nice guy who loved his wife and who wanted to be the best dad he could for his child. Nothing you could have done or did would have really made a difference in who you wife was at the time...she was who she was. It sounds like you need some time to find yourself again before you decide what you really want to do. Give yourself that time, and stop being so darn hard on yourself. 2
Spark1111 Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 I have to point something out that I personally have found to be true...sorry if it's been said. I left, but I am still walking around with the burden, the shame, the regret, the way I played my cards, etc. I'm just saying that unless you forgive her and yourself, as I have to...leaving or not may not be the difference maker. Ain't that the truth! Whether you stay or you go, the healing process through the stages of PTSD, are remarkably the same whether married, reconciled or divorced. There is no way around it, only through it. 2
BetrayedH Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 Ain't that the truth! Whether you stay or you go, the healing process through the stages of PTSD, are remarkably the same whether married, reconciled or divorced. There is no way around it, only through it. Hate to be a repeat of the other posters but it's true that landing on divorce was no magical cure all for me either. I still question everything that I could have done differently whether it was during the marriage, at Dday or any step since. Getting out didn't heal me or cure anything. I'm still dealing with it daily even though by virtually any measure, it's done and over with. 1
Author drifter777 Posted July 10, 2012 Author Posted July 10, 2012 I appreciate all posters who take the time to offer their opinion and advice. I have been told many, many times that I shouldn't be so hard on myself for my decision to stay married and try to make it work. The problem is that my regret for that decision is so strong because my wife had zero remorse for what she did at the time. Please understand that when I say zero, I mean zero to the point that she celebrated the fact that she learned what it was like to fu*k other guys and that once the initial thrill wore off she didn't feel anything for them. She said she learned how much she loved me and how valuable our marriage really was to her. Try to imagine what you might feel like if you were in my place. Just a few weeks before she had told me that she met someone and that I had to pack up and leave because he was moving in. The instant these words came out of her mouth I was shattered, angry, and in shock and I decided that I would hate her guts for the rest of my life. As the hours went by that night, I gathered all of my courage and swore that I would move forward with my life no matter how crushed I felt. I tried, I really tried and believe I would have been just fine within a few months. But a few weeks later when she physically clung to me and begged me to come home, I relented. Whatever I didn't know about what she had done during this time she happily filled in for me. As I said, she was joyful that she had gained all this experience and we were now going to reconcile so she held back none of the details. There is no way I can communicate the bewildered state of confusion I felt. I was just a kid and wondered "is this the way life works? Do I just accept this as a learning experience and try to move forward?" Again, this is all happening three weeks after d-day and in my state of shock, confusion, anger, pain, and shame, this offer from her to "come home" was a life-raft in a sea of sh*t. Ok, I'm ranting but there is a purpose to it. Sharing this with all of you continues to enlighten me as to why I decided to stay and helps me forgive myself for what I consider the wrong decision. I was an emotional wreck and in no condition to make that initial decision to stay. You might say that I should have walked away later on when the smoke cleared and I began to see her selfish betrayal for what it was. The problem for me then was that my 7 year-old son was so happy, so overjoyed when I (daddy) came home that I simply couldn't hurt him again by leaving. So there, I made the decision to come home in a desperate attempt to end the immediate pain I was suffering. I made the decision to stay out of dedication to my innocent son who needed daddy to live with him. I should be able to forgive myself for these decisions, and I think I'm finally getting there. Coming here to vent and solicit feedback is saving my life. So when I say thanks to all of you, I really mean it. 1
Spark1111 Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 I appreciate all posters who take the time to offer their opinion and advice. I have been told many, many times that I shouldn't be so hard on myself for my decision to stay married and try to make it work. The problem is that my regret for that decision is so strong because my wife had zero remorse for what she did at the time. Please understand that when I say zero, I mean zero to the point that she celebrated the fact that she learned what it was like to fu*k other guys and that once the initial thrill wore off she didn't feel anything for them. She said she learned how much she loved me and how valuable our marriage really was to her. Try to imagine what you might feel like if you were in my place. Just a few weeks before she had told me that she met someone and that I had to pack up and leave because he was moving in. The instant these words came out of her mouth I was shattered, angry, and in shock and I decided that I would hate her guts for the rest of my life. As the hours went by that night, I gathered all of my courage and swore that I would move forward with my life no matter how crushed I felt. I tried, I really tried and believe I would have been just fine within a few months. But a few weeks later when she physically clung to me and begged me to come home, I relented. Whatever I didn't know about what she had done during this time she happily filled in for me. As I said, she was joyful that she had gained all this experience and we were now going to reconcile so she held back none of the details. There is no way I can communicate the bewildered state of confusion I felt. I was just a kid and wondered "is this the way life works? Do I just accept this as a learning experience and try to move forward?" Again, this is all happening three weeks after d-day and in my state of shock, confusion, anger, pain, and shame, this offer from her to "come home" was a life-raft in a sea of sh*t. Ok, I'm ranting but there is a purpose to it. Sharing this with all of you continues to enlighten me as to why I decided to stay and helps me forgive myself for what I consider the wrong decision. I was an emotional wreck and in no condition to make that initial decision to stay. You might say that I should have walked away later on when the smoke cleared and I began to see her selfish betrayal for what it was. The problem for me then was that my 7 year-old son was so happy, so overjoyed when I (daddy) came home that I simply couldn't hurt him again by leaving. So there, I made the decision to come home in a desperate attempt to end the immediate pain I was suffering. I made the decision to stay out of dedication to my innocent son who needed daddy to live with him. I should be able to forgive myself for these decisions, and I think I'm finally getting there. Coming here to vent and solicit feedback is saving my life. So when I say thanks to all of you, I really mean it. She sooooo disrespected you, but you respected the love you had for your son more and regarded his feelings more than your own. What was wrong with that? Absolutely nothing, IMHO.
jnj express Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 Your son, and other kids, you might have had---are gone, and out of the house---there is no reason for you to stay I can fully see why this has festered for years---she didn't try to hide anything---she just told you leave, cuz I am replacing you, and gonna spread my legs, as many times, as I want for another/others--- That is just plain treating like you didn't exist---then when she found out it wasn't any better than with you---she conned her way back into the mge Your wife, no matter what she has been the last 25/30 yrs., is a piece of work----I don't know how you can stand to look at her w/out puking---sorry just my opinion---this was just plain her bullying you, and you were to young to know what to do, as would be par for the course- --You have had this festering for all these years---There is no reason to stay if you don't wanna---many spouses stay till the reason for their misery ends, and then they leave, and say good riddance to the cancer You don't have to suffer any longer, you do still have a life to live, and no matter what is out there----the cause of your cancer, won't be there to remind you day after day after day!!!!!
Hoping4Better Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 I appreciate all posters who take the time to offer their opinion and advice. I have been told many, many times that I shouldn't be so hard on myself for my decision to stay married and try to make it work. The problem is that my regret for that decision is so strong because my wife had zero remorse for what she did at the time. Please understand that when I say zero, I mean zero to the point that she celebrated the fact that she learned what it was like to fu*k other guys and that once the initial thrill wore off she didn't feel anything for them. She said she learned how much she loved me and how valuable our marriage really was to her. Try to imagine what you might feel like if you were in my place. Just a few weeks before she had told me that she met someone and that I had to pack up and leave because he was moving in. The instant these words came out of her mouth I was shattered, angry, and in shock and I decided that I would hate her guts for the rest of my life. As the hours went by that night, I gathered all of my courage and swore that I would move forward with my life no matter how crushed I felt. I tried, I really tried and believe I would have been just fine within a few months. But a few weeks later when she physically clung to me and begged me to come home, I relented. Whatever I didn't know about what she had done during this time she happily filled in for me. As I said, she was joyful that she had gained all this experience and we were now going to reconcile so she held back none of the details. There is no way I can communicate the bewildered state of confusion I felt. I was just a kid and wondered "is this the way life works? Do I just accept this as a learning experience and try to move forward?" Again, this is all happening three weeks after d-day and in my state of shock, confusion, anger, pain, and shame, this offer from her to "come home" was a life-raft in a sea of sh*t. Ok, I'm ranting but there is a purpose to it. Sharing this with all of you continues to enlighten me as to why I decided to stay and helps me forgive myself for what I consider the wrong decision. I was an emotional wreck and in no condition to make that initial decision to stay. You might say that I should have walked away later on when the smoke cleared and I began to see her selfish betrayal for what it was. The problem for me then was that my 7 year-old son was so happy, so overjoyed when I (daddy) came home that I simply couldn't hurt him again by leaving. So there, I made the decision to come home in a desperate attempt to end the immediate pain I was suffering. I made the decision to stay out of dedication to my innocent son who needed daddy to live with him. I should be able to forgive myself for these decisions, and I think I'm finally getting there. Coming here to vent and solicit feedback is saving my life. So when I say thanks to all of you, I really mean it. I too was asked and begged by STBXW come back after I decided to move out, and after 2 weeks and an IC, she decided to end the M when she realized that I wasn't going to let up on the 'details' of the affairs. She just couldn't deal with the hard work she was going to have to put for a long time I suppose, and I am thanking her for letting me go and live my life again.
Recommended Posts