Can you forgive without validating the cheating?

[drifter777]

I am finding it impossible to forgive my wife for cheating many years ago. While I am usually able to keep it out of my thoughts because I don't think it ever happened again, I still trigger sometimes and feel the pain and anger all over again. I know I cannot change the past, but is it possible to resolve the hurt and shame I feel?

 

I've also never forgiven myself for the decision to not end the marriage. I thought that time would heal and found that time isn't enough. Now I am thinking that the only way to correct the mistake is to walk away from her all these years later. The thing holding me back is the fact that I would be punishing both of us for something that happened decades ago. I'm not sure I would be any happier, and I'd rather be happy then right.

 

This dilemma is killing me. I welcome any advice on forgiveness from fellow BS's.

[beenburned]

Have you been to counseling at all to deal with it?

[whichwayisup]

I am finding it impossible to forgive my wife for cheating many years ago. While I am usually able to keep it out of my thoughts because I don't think it ever happened again, I still trigger sometimes and feel the pain and anger all over again. I know I cannot change the past, but is it possible to resolve the hurt and shame I feel?

 

I've also never forgiven myself for the decision to not end the marriage. I thought that time would heal and found that time isn't enough. Now I am thinking that the only way to correct the mistake is to walk away from her all these years later. The thing holding me back is the fact that I would be punishing both of us for something that happened decades ago. I'm not sure I would be any happier, and I'd rather be happy then right.

 

This dilemma is killing me. I welcome any advice on forgiveness from fellow BS's.

 

I think you need to tell your wife what you said above. Word for word.

 

Somehow you either need to make peace with this, let go and choose to forgive her, love who she is now and your life together, or consider divorcing. Hanging onto the past because of unresolved issues is making your life not so good.

 

Did you two sort this out years ago? Did she show remorse, regret and was there marriage counselling? Or was this all just quietly swept under the rug?

[nofool4u]

I've also never forgiven myself for the decision to not end the marriage. I thought that time would heal and found that time isn't enough. Now I am thinking that the only way to correct the mistake is to walk away from her all these years later. The thing holding me back is the fact that I would be punishing both of us for something that happened decades ago. I'm not sure I would be any happier, and I'd rather be happy then right.

 

Well you sure aren't happy staying with someone that cheated.

 

Wow, not sure what to tell you though if this was decades ago. All I can say is you shouldn't be thinking you are punishing her if you decided to leave. You do what you think is best for you. If you don't think you will ever be at peace with her, then you have to leave.

 

I know this is pretty damn difficult as it happened years ago and she might have done everything right since then, yes?

 

Is she giving you any reason to believe that she is still the same cheating tart she was decades ago? Has she been unapologetic all these years? Cold? No affection?

 

Does she go out on girl's nights out coming home late, things like that?

 

Its a tough call, and only one you can make. Its easy to say you should have left her years ago. But you are in it decades long now.

 

What do YOU want to do?

[Steen719]

My XH cheated 14 years ago. I was very hurt and my first decision was to leave. I changed my mind d/t his saying he was remorseful, he loved me, mistake..and so on. I loved my XH and I had a 7 year old son, felt that anyone can make mistakes, so I stayed. Everyone who knew me was surprised, but I stayed.

 

I thought things were good for the following years. Maybe they were, maybe they were not. If things had rocked along the same way, I would have felt proud that I made a decision that saved my marriage and let my son grow up with his father.

 

As it was, my XH did it again, telling me that he had been unhappy for 13 years. I can't help but second guess myself, although I know it is nothing that I can change. I don't know if this is even reasonable, but I keep thinking that I put my trust in someone who showed me what kind of man he was and I probably should have left when I felt in my heart that it was the right thing to do.

 

So, I guess I did not help you at all, but I do know where your angst comes from. I am sorry for your dilemma. Do you still love your wife? Has she expressed that she is grateful the two of you are still together and that she feels it was the right thing to do, are the issues that made her do it in the first place something that was resolved or maybe she didn't actually know why? My XH did this to me the first time when we had a great life, good sex, happy home life and that should have told me something right there. Good luck and I hope you find some peace.

[Owl]

If you're not happy, you're not happy. Doesn't matter if the "reason" that you're not happy took place today, or 20 years ago...what matters is how you FEEL today.

 

If you haven't been able to forgive her...if you're still unhappy in your marriage as a result...then divorce and walk away.

 

Fair...not fair...doesn't matter. If you're not happy with the relationship...you end the relationship.

 

My thought is that if you're still unable to forgive, if you've still held onto the pain of what happened back then...there's still something wrong. You never truly recovered, never truly dealt with it when it happened.

 

Not knocking you...no insult intended here.

 

Just saying...if you've remained with her all these years, but haven't forgiven and healed...there's still more "work" to be done, one way or another.

 

Either seek out counseling, or seek out a divorce lawyer.

 

DO something to fix the problem...one way or another.

 

Just my thoughts.

[Spark1111]

I am finding it impossible to forgive my wife for cheating many years ago. While I am usually able to keep it out of my thoughts because I don't think it ever happened again, I still trigger sometimes and feel the pain and anger all over again. I know I cannot change the past, but is it possible to resolve the hurt and shame I feel?

 

I've also never forgiven myself for the decision to not end the marriage. I thought that time would heal and found that time isn't enough. Now I am thinking that the only way to correct the mistake is to walk away from her all these years later. The thing holding me back is the fact that I would be punishing both of us for something that happened decades ago. I'm not sure I would be any happier, and I'd rather be happy then right.

 

This dilemma is killing me. I welcome any advice on forgiveness from fellow BS's.

 

Drifter, I agree with Owl! Why, all these years later, do you still have so much pain???

 

Did you R for the wrong reasons? Keeping the family together; Not wanting her truly, but not wanting anyone else to have her either?

 

Did you not demand transparency, boundaries, remorse?

 

Did you bury and not discuss all your feelings with her? Sweep those under the rug and pretend, at your emotional expense, that you were fine when you were not?

 

Have you not learned how fragile --conflict-avoidant, poor self-esteem, poor coping and communication skills --your spouse was?

 

Are you jealous that she had partner outside the marriage? (This is common. Don't be ashamed by it.)

 

Where EXACTLY did you get stuck in the healing process.

 

We want to help you. But you have to help us help you with a litte bit of honest introspection here.

[bentnotbroken]

I am finding it impossible to forgive my wife for cheating many years ago. While I am usually able to keep it out of my thoughts because I don't think it ever happened again, I still trigger sometimes and feel the pain and anger all over again. I know I cannot change the past, but is it possible to resolve the hurt and shame I feel?

 

I've also never forgiven myself for the decision to not end the marriage. I thought that time would heal and found that time isn't enough. Now I am thinking that the only way to correct the mistake is to walk away from her all these years later. The thing holding me back is the fact that I would be punishing both of us for something that happened decades ago. I'm not sure I would be any happier, and I'd rather be happy then right.

 

This dilemma is killing me. I welcome any advice on forgiveness from fellow BS's.

 

Sounds like you won't be able to move forward if you don't learn to forgive. You for being human and wanting to remain married and her having the affair. Don't cheat yourself out of what only you can give yourself.

[Spark1111]

Sounds like you won't be able to move forward if you don't learn to forgive. You for being human and wanting to remain married and her having the affair. Don't cheat yourself out of what only you can give yourself.

 

I agree! Forgiveness is a gift ypu give yourself!

 

It does not mean you will forget; No one forgets trauma!

 

I am curious where or how or why or when, you got stuck drifter.

 

Only you can answer that question.

 

Be brutally honest with yourself, and then with us.

 

We cannot help you otherwise. And there are many here who have felt the same way you have.

 

When you figure it out, we will be here with advice. You can't shock or shame us.

 

We want to help you.

 

What, specifically, are you holding onto that is causing you so much pain?

[drifter777]

Thanks to all for you comments and advice. I'll try to address some of the questions asked here, but it may get a bit long.

 

1) I've been in IC for a long time and only recently (past year or so) began talking with counselor about this issue. Until that day I refused to share this with anyone because of the shame I felt for being the kind of weak, limp-dicked husband who would stay with a cheating wife. As I began to work on this with my counselor I came to understand that, in addition to the shame I felt for myself, I was ashamed of my wife for her selfish, disgusting, slutty behavior.

 

2) Many of you have asked where in the process I feel I got "stuck". It's the shame. The images of her and OM still flash into my mind now and then and I respond with intense anger and disgust. I don't even tell her about it anymore and either roll over and try to sleep or head down to the couch. The thought of touching her is repulsive. This anger and disgust is fueled by the shame I feel for both myself and her behavior.

 

3) My wife never hid her cheating from me. It happened while she was vacationing with family and after the fact she told me she planned on doing it all along. When she returned she told me what she had done and that she didn't want to be married anymore. A few weeks later she changed her mind and threw herself at me, begging me to come back and assuring me her whoring around taught her how much she loved me and wanted me back. She was totally transparent because she considered what she did to be a good thing and a valuable life experience.

 

4) My initial reaction was shock. When she begged me to reconcile I was more confused than anything else. I have to take responsibility for my decision to stay and work to save our marriage. I hoped and prayed that I would forgive and forget over time. I told her that if anything like this ever happened again that I would be gone. A big motivator for staying was my desire to give my son the stable family life that I never had. Terrible reason for staying, another poor decision that I alone am responsible for.

 

Taking responsibility for these decisions has taken the form of self-loathing for making such horrible mistakes.

 

5) My wife finally began to take some responsibility for her cheating some ten years after d-day. It began with an acknowledgement that what she did hurt me and that she was sorry for that. It took another ten years for her to finally say that what she did was selfish and, while she didn't understand that then, it was wrong. I don't believe her. I think she is telling me what she thinks I need to hear and she still believes that she did nothing wrong.

 

As I said, the sticking point for me is the shame. My counselor says that my wife may not be capable of facing what I believe to be the truth. That she cannot accept that she is a cheater because she believes that she is a good person who would never do such a terrible thing. The "valuable life experience" thing is her rationalization that saves her from facing the truth.

 

My counselor has also began to focus on my inability to forgive myself. I think she sees this as potentially life threatening as I sometimes feel trapped by my anger and shame and have considered suicide as an option. I know I could never do that as it would hurt my children so much and leave them with a horrible legacy.

 

So, I'll ask again. How can we forgive our cheating spouses without validating the cheating? If you believe you have done it, how did you rationalize it in your mind? Was there something that you did to help you get to that point?

 

More than anything I'm looking for advice on forgiveness or at least somehow letting go of the anger and shame. I can't say which is harder or more important; forgiving her or forgiving myself. I strongly believe they are firmly tied together.

[Owl]

As I said, the sticking point for me is the shame. My counselor says that my wife may not be capable of facing what I believe to be the truth. That she cannot accept that she is a cheater because she believes that she is a good person who would never do such a terrible thing. The "valuable life experience" thing is her rationalization that saves her from facing the truth.

 

My counselor has also began to focus on my inability to forgive myself. I think she sees this as potentially life threatening as I sometimes feel trapped by my anger and shame and have considered suicide as an option. I know I could never do that as it would hurt my children so much and leave them with a horrible legacy.

 

So, I'll ask again. How can we forgive our cheating spouses without validating the cheating? If you believe you have done it, how did you rationalize it in your mind? Was there something that you did to help you get to that point?

 

More than anything I'm looking for advice on forgiveness or at least somehow letting go of the anger and shame. I can't say which is harder or more important; forgiving her or forgiving myself. I strongly believe they are firmly tied together.

 

OK...here's where I'm a bit lost.

 

What have you done to be ashamed of? I don't get it. The shame...if any...is your wife's, not yours.

 

She's the one who broke her vows, the one who did the unthinkable. Not you. This was entirely her decision, her choice...and it reflects nothing on you, but everything on her.

 

Why do you feel like you have to accept blame/responsibility/shame for her choice to cheat?

 

I'm also curious what you mean by "validating the cheating"? My choice to stay with my wife had NOTHING to do with saying that her actions were justified, acceptable, or in anyway a reflection on me or my actions. They were her choices ALONE. My choice to forgive her in NO WAY made her choices ok/acceptable/right/valid.

 

My choice to forgive her was my choice to make. And in fact...in no way do I feel like my choice to reconcile in anyway whatsoever made her choice to cheat any less of an offense.

 

How does choosing to reconcile "validate the cheating" in your mind? I don't think I'm tracking.

[Owl]

OK...wait a minute...I think I see the "sticking point" here.

 

You said...

 

As I said, the sticking point for me is the shame. My counselor says that my wife may not be capable of facing what I believe to be the truth. That she cannot accept that she is a cheater because she believes that she is a good person who would never do such a terrible thing. The "valuable life experience" thing is her rationalization that saves her from facing the truth.

 

So, basically it appears that your wife never accepted responsibility or accountability for her cheating.

 

She somehow made you feel like it was your fault...not hers.

 

If she never accepted responsibility, then of course there's no true reconciliation. There's no foundation to rebuild trust from, no leveling of the playing field.

 

If this is true...then this is why you still feel the way that you do. It's why your marriage, and you have never truly recovered nor reconciled.

 

She still feels like what she did was "right" in some fashion. And there's no way to forgive someone who feels that the damage they did to you was somehow justified or acceptable.

 

Am I on the right track here?

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Drifter,

 

The best advice I received from a friend after d-day was this: "Dig Deep". Could it be that you and your wife did not dig deep enough? Did she answer all of your questions? Sounds like she did not dig at all. Did she go to counseling; and if so, how did she do?

 

I'm not sure if your wife is remorseful or not. If she was/is not remorseful, to me that is the source of the hang-up.

 

Forgiveness does not mean that you approve of what she did. You might want to check out a book that was very helpful for me as a BS: "Total Forgiveness" by R.T. Kendall.

[Kidd]

Try the book, "How Can I Forgive You?"

 

It discusses more about acceptance than forgiveness, which I think might be the key for you.

[drifter777]

 

So, basically it appears that your wife never accepted responsibility or accountability for her cheating.

 

She somehow made you feel like it was your fault...not hers.

 

If she never accepted responsibility, then of course there's no true reconciliation. There's no foundation to rebuild trust from, no leveling of the playing field.

 

If this is true...then this is why you still feel the way that you do. It's why your marriage, and you have never truly recovered nor reconciled.

 

She still feels like what she did was "right" in some fashion. And there's no way to forgive someone who feels that the damage they did to you was somehow justified or acceptable.

 

Am I on the right track here?

 

Yes, you are pretty much spot on.

 

In reference to your question regarding the shame thing, I am ashamed that I was too weak to walk away back then. It was my choice to stay but it's hard living with that mistake. I also ashamed for her slutty behavior.

 

She now refuses to talk about the incident because she says she has told me everything and apologized for all of it many times. I tell her I don't believe that she has let go of the "but it was a valuable experience" and she puts it back on me saying "that's your problem". Given the history of this whole thing I think she should be willing to keep working to finally resolve it.

[Kidd]

Yes, you are pretty much spot on.

 

In reference to your question regarding the shame thing, I am ashamed that I was too weak to walk away back then. It was my choice to stay but it's hard living with that mistake. I also ashamed for her slutty behavior.

 

She now refuses to talk about the incident because she says she has told me everything and apologized for all of it many times. I tell her I don't believe that she has let go of the "but it was a valuable experience" and she puts it back on me saying "that's your problem". Given the history of this whole thing I think she should be willing to keep working to finally resolve it.

 

Screw her. Then it'll be her problem.

[g450]

Yes, you are pretty much spot on.

 

In reference to your question regarding the shame thing, I am ashamed that I was too weak to walk away back then. It was my choice to stay but it's hard living with that mistake. I also ashamed for her slutty behavior.

 

She now refuses to talk about the incident because she says she has told me everything and apologized for all of it many times. I tell her I don't believe that she has let go of the "but it was a valuable experience" and she puts it back on me saying "that's your problem". Given the history of this whole thing I think she should be willing to keep working to finally resolve it.

 

Holly crap! She told you "it's your problem".

 

Drifter, I think you know what you need to do now. She cant be fixed. I have always been one to save a marriage but I dont think yours is worth saving. I think YOU are worth saving. Dont wait another eight years to do the right thing for yourself.

[18Years2Late]

Drifter,

 

Assuming I'm reading #5 correctly, it's been 20 years!!!! since dday...therefore...your kids who u mentioned one was 8 at the time of the A should be nicely grown by now...so...u did your part...mistake or not...doesn't matter now...u did what u thought at the time was the right thing to do...and it probably was...but now it's your turn to do what is right for u and your future happiness...u didn't give up easy...you've done everything to try and save your M...now pack her bags and when she asks where she's going to go...u say idk "that's your problem"...u can't change to past...not what she did or how u chose to deal with it...but u have total control of your future...

 

I'd like to get out of my M too but I still have small-teen children...I feel your pain...and although I'm in the minority here...I think u did the right thing...it wasn't a mistake...and 1 more thing...you're not a limp-dick either...it takes a MUCH stronger person to stay in an unfulfilling M forsaking themselves for the betterment of the children...than to be willingly in a pleasurable M...only those of us who have walked in those shoes know that...

Edited February 15, 2012 by 18Years2Late

[Steadfast]

It's important to understand that you can't forgive someone who doesn't ask to be forgiven. That said, few of us share the same mental capacity or grasp on any given subject or experience, and the chasm that exists between cheaters and the ones they cheated on may be the toughest to overcome. It takes an extraordinary amount of love, patience and understanding to pull through to happiness...and the hardest part of this to accept is the majority of that effort must come from the betrayed. That's you.

 

It isn't fair, but life often isn't. The trick is not trying to make it fair, it's figuring out how to exist under the current conditions. It is a rare thing, but some can and have overcome infidelity in their marriages, some could not, and some -like you- have attempted to and (at least so far) failed.

 

More below after responding to your latest comments.

 

I refused to share this with anyone because of the shame I felt for being the kind of weak, limp-dicked husband who would stay with a cheating wife.

 

The true test of a man is not his sexual masculinity, it's his ability to face his fears and make decisions with conviction. I know it's difficult in a world that places so much emphasis on sexual standards of performance, but stop to consider and focus on the shallowness of such an existence. Ask someone who faced the real possibility of death what flashed in their minds when the situation was in doubt. No one will mention sex. I promise you.

 

A big motivator for staying was my desire o give my son the stable family life that I never had. Terrible reason for staying, another poor decision that I alone am responsible for.

 

Nonsense. I find it commendable that in the face of such turmoil you considered the welfare of your son before your own 'feelings'. Whoever told you that was a 'terrible decision' was a selfish coward. Period.

 

It began with an acknowledgement that what she did hurt me and that she was sorry for that. It took another ten years for her to finally say that what she did was selfish and, while she didn't understand that then, it was wrong. I don't believe her. I think she is telling me what she thinks I need to hear and she still believes that she did nothing wrong.

 

Perhaps that is true, but how many years has this woman stayed with you? Fact: Women do not stay with men they are not in love with. Not today, and maybe not ever. She had a chance to leave, but changed her mind and stayed in the marriage with you. Actions speak louder.

 

Go back and read my opening paragraph, then consider the paths that are available to you. You can't forgive a person who doesn't ask to be forgiven, but you can let it go. Let her off the hook. My wife cheated, left me and our children, and stayed gone. "I'm sorry" is not asking to be forgiven. "Please forgive me" are the key words that must be said, but can't be coached.

 

I agree with the above: Read word for word what you wrote to your wife.

 

I mention my situation because I let it go. I had to, because I did not want the anger, pain and resentment of what she had done to consume me. Her actions had already claimed so much of my life...I refused to lose my soul!

 

I prayed for wisdom and for my heart to be softened. In time, what I had to be for my children and myself returned because -for lack of a better way of putting it- I stopped taking myself so seriously. In that way, I turned her cheating into a positive by transforming my bruised ego into humility. Strength isn't macho boasting, it's being confident enough to not be controlling.

 

Humility is sexy. Really, truly being humble and confident is even sexier.

 

She can't fix you. YOU must fix you. Look outward, not inward for your answers. Let go of preconceived notions. Build on positives. It works.

[frozensprouts]

your wife probably doesn't know how painful hr cheating was to you...I don't think that a wayward spouse can ever really understand how painful it is. I don't think this is because they don't wan to understand or don't care, but more because it's very hard to understand just how much something can hurt unless you've directly experienced it yourself.

 

She probably does care that she hurt you, shoe probably does feel bad about it and probably wishes it never happened and may well be ashamed of it, but has pushed that sense of shame way down...it's really hard to know you've hurt someone you care about that way.

 

Some would say you should get revenge and cheat on her. While that may feel good at the time, it may well end up making you feel even worse in the long run. you will be engaging in the same behavior that hurt you so much. he only difference will be that you are doing it with the sole purpose being to cause hurt and revenge...when it's all said and done, where will that leave you?

 

it would seem that the better thing to do would be to face your feelings head on and deal with them. If you don't love your wife, then work with her to end the marriage in a way that will leave you feeling that you did the right thing for both of you. If you do love your wife, then you need to try and find a way to get past this and not squash it down and keep your feelings bottled up. Your feelings are valid, and they need to be heard.

[Kidd]

Drifter-

 

What you do today is entirely up to you. Whether you cut her a break is your choice.

 

That said, 20 years ago you did the right, honorable, and noble thing to do. Certainly you felt fear about losing your wife and it was a shock to your soul. The first several months for me were all driven by that fear. Sort of. I also knew that it was her that was broken. I tried to step up to the plate and to save our nuclear family from the devastation she'd wrought. It was the harder thing to do and not driven by selfishness. I am absolutely proud of my attempt to reconcile with my WW. You are looking at it backwards. You should be proud of your actions and she should be ashamed of hers. Only you can decide if she still deserves your efforts. But for God's sake man, cut yourself a break. You made a huge sacrifice for your family of which you can be proud.

[Spark1111]

Drifter, this post may not help you emotionally, but please consider the facts and realize that you and your situation are not abnormal at all.

 

Most marriages (40%) WILL DIVORCE within the first 4 years with 1 to zero children.

 

Limerance has worn off and you must now look at each realistically. Apparently one child is not enough of a bond to stay married.

 

A woman almost never has an affair for sex, rather an emotional connection. She gives sex to feel emotionally connected and that has nothing to do with your prowess or ability in the bedroom. Stop thinking like a man on this one.

 

It is entirely possible that she went through a crisis of committment to you and crashed into him. Poor, poor choice, but not all that unusual in the first throes of the second stage of marriage called disillusionment.

 

In her mind, that affair galvanized the positive feelings she had for you. She came back committed to you for the next 20 years.

 

Can you see how she rationalizes it as a good thing? I am not saying it was right or wrong, just looking at it from a different perspective.

 

87% of ALL husbands will take back a cheating wife, at least initially. You are not unusual in that regard.

 

I think you did the honorable thing and should bear no shame for your choices. I think she has tried to do the honorable thing for the last 20 years.

 

I think you should tell her that you do still feel pain and need to discuss it with her, and that she should not minimize it by telling you to get on with it.

 

That IS how most WSs feel: They get over it so much more quickly, because ultimately, the AP means so little to them in time: a symptom, not a cause, of what was ailing them!

 

We tell people here to judge a WS by their actions. Has she acted like a caring and devoted wife for the past 20 years?

[drifter777]

Steadfast: I used the term 'limp-dicked" to illustrate how I felt, not my libido or performance in the sack ( which is, of course, awesome ). I really liked the rest of your post and appreciate your thoughtfull comments.

 

Kidd: Lately we have been on the same wavelength and I appreciate your kind words. I sampled the book you suggested at Amazon and ordered it immediately. The premise resonates with me and I am anxious to read it. I hear what you say as regarding giving myself a break, but the shame I feel for the decisions I made is real and it is very difficult to change a feeling. I wonder if the book can help me forgive myself?

 

frozen: I've considered the revenge thing many times. The temptation is there as it could help me feel like I've gotten even with her. The problem is I simply don't believe it would make me feel better in the long run.

 

Spark: There is no way I can stop thinking like a man regarding sex vs. emotional connection because I am a man. The sex IS the thing that is much, much more hurtful than whatever emotional connection she may have had with the scum OM. And while I can see how and why she is rationalizing her cheating as "a good thing", it gives me not a bit of solace. Everyone, even serial killers, rationalize their horrible actions so they can live with themselves. It doesn't mean it is right or that I have to accept their bullsh]t. As far as actions vs. words, other than her refusal to accept complete responsibility for what she did, she has not given me an obvious reason to doubt her fidelity. I would add that my trust in her is somewhat less than 100% as I know she would never tell me if she has strayed since.

 

Again, I thank all of you for your comments & advice.

[Spark1111]

Of course the rationalizing is all BullS!

 

It is what a weaker ego MUST do to live with themselves, their hurtful actions, and carry on.

 

I am only suggesting that you have two choices about it: see it as HER weakness and not as a perpetuating of a psychic attack on you, which means you accept it,

 

Or you cannot accept it.

 

Because to hope and wish and pray she were different in her responses to you NOW will surely just continue to make you miserable.

 

We cannot change anyone's behaviorand perception, as much as we would so love to!

 

We can only change how we choose to percieve it and react to it.

[drifter777]

After 5 months I'd like to update everyone.

 

As all BS's know, there are certain things that trigger our memories of the cheating. These triggers bring on the mind-movies that torment us all. I am convinced that these feelings are hitting me so strongly after all these years because the primary reason for my staying with her has dissipated since my children are finally all grown and out of the house. I guess that I have given myself permission to bring this thing back to the forefront of my mind.

 

The things I talked about in my OP are still there. The anger and regret I feel for staying with her after d-day can be overwhelming. The remorse she says she feels now is so late that I cannot help but believe she is only telling me what she thinks I need to hear; that she still believes it was a good experience for her.

 

There finally is some good news, and that is she is having an awakening regarding betrayal and forgiveness. My wife has experienced a terrible betrayal by her sister and this seems to be helping her understand how I feel. This is her older sister whom she trusted unconditionally, making this betrayal nearly unbearable. I have read the book "How Can I Forgive You" and I gave it to her and told her I thought it might help her deal with the pain her sister has caused. Well, the parallels of her sister's betrayal of her and her betrayal of me are dramatic and are beginning to open her eyes. I highlighted the following for her and it's worth posting. I encourage anyone to read this as it is pretty powerful stuff.

 

For the Betrayer - Earning Forgiveness:

LOOK AT ANY MISTAKEN ASSUMPTIONS YOU HAVE AND SEE HOW THEY INTERFERE WITH YOUR EFFORTS TO EARN FORGIVENESS

For example, do you think you simply "deserve" to be forgiven? If you admit you were wrong, will that mean you are weak and vulnerable? Do you think you are "not worthy" of being forgiven? Do you resort to helplessness saying, "Nothing I do will undo the wrong I've caused you?" Do you collapse into hopelessness, saying, "You'll never forgive me so why should I try?" You must challenge these assumptions! Make the effort and take the risk to be forgiven.

 

BEAR WITNESS TO THE PAIN YOU CAUSED

Encourage the hurt person to open up to you. Don't wait for them to talk about it first. Inquire. Take responsibility. Don't make the hurt person put their emotions away because they makes YOU feel uncomfortable.

Be courageous and daring by bearing your own anxiety about their hurt feelings.

 

APOLOGIZE GENUINELY, NON-DEFENSIVELY AND RESPONSIBLY

"I'm sorry" is just not enough. You must take responsibility for your actions by naming them, by acknowledging the impact you made on the hurt person, by caring deeply about the pain you caused and by intending to never repeat the transgression again.

 

SEEK TO UNDERSTAND YOUR BEHAVIOR AND REVEAL THE INGLORIOUS TRUTH ABOUT YOURSELF TO THE PERSON YOU HARMED

Your partner asks, "How could you do this? How could you hurt me?' and you respond, "I don't know." If you can't explain your reasons for your actions, if you have no insight into your behaviors, then how can your partner ever trust s/he will be safe with you again?

You must be willing to be self-examining. You must be willing to face the truth about yourself--no matter how ugly.

You may not be able to undo the past, but you can seek to understand it. Again, if you have trouble understanding why you did what you did, then seek professional help in order to do so.

 

WORK TO EARN BACK TRUST

 

You need to back up your words of remorse and regret with action!

What are your commitments to the hurt person? What gestures are you committed to following through on in order to restore the trust?

When you hurt someone, you debase yourself, according to Dr. Spring. When you work to restore that person's love, respect, and forgiveness, you not only honor the hurt person, but you honor yourself. When you confront and correct the damage you have caused you restore your sense of a dignified, noble self.

 

She had read this by the time I got home from work and she told me how much it affected her. She seems to understand how badly she has handled this whole mess and that her taking responsibility takes more than simply saying "I'm sorry". Just the way she talked to me persuaded me that she is finally beginning to understand and gave me hope that she might finally truly "get it". I've felt this way before so I guess only time will tell.

 

True forgiveness is not a gift that the betrayed grants the betrayer. It is certainly not a gift the betrayed gives to themselves. The betrayer needs to work hard and demonstrate over time that they are worthy of forgiveness. It is something that is earned by the betrayer, and it is not a given that the betrayed will ever be able to forgive.