I told my ex never to contact me but i didn't know what he was going through

[justd]

I dating my ex who i used to work with for a month when i was sexually assaulted at a night out. I wasn't in a good way and i went back to my home country to get away. He came over to support me and he was incredible as i felt dirty, depressed and also felt like i cheated on him but he was there for me and told me i had nothing to be ashamed off and reminded me of all the good things I had done in life and what a special person i was. I don't know what i would've done without him.

He had to go back home after a week but after a few days of him returning he constantly sent me txts from his phone. It started to annoy me and I told him he was suffocating me. My head was messed up and i started picking arguments with him but he never argued back and I told him i needed space to myself sort my head out and said i wanted to end it with him but we'd get back on track once everything had blown over. That really was my intention. He said he understood and he would be there when i needed him but he continued to txt and txt and made my life hell and I told him i didnt want to fall out with him but it had to stop as i felt he was trying to control me.

When i went back to work I was told he trashed me behind my back and I didnt want to see him as i was angry about that and him constantly txting but we were working on something and we got talking and i told him about what was said and he seemed really angry and just said people who trashed me to him would say that about him and we argued cos i thought he was stirring things and i told him i was trying to move on and get over it all and he said i didnt have anything to get over. he immediately apologised and said he didnt mean it but i didnt accept it and told him never to speak to me again,

I spoke to a couple of people i trusted about us and told them about how hard he made things for me and how he made my life hell with txts and it spread throughout the workplace which i didnt expect and eventually reached him. He resigned from the job soon after that and as far as i know still doesnt have another job.

Shortly after he left the job a work colleague spoke to me and told me what he was going through as my ex confided in him through it all after he found him crying in a room. He explained that the days before the sexual assault happened he was warned by his doctor that he may have had cancer and he was going to ask me to go with him to hospital appointments but not until after the night out cos he didnt want to ruin it for me as i rarely get a chance to go out but it made sense as i received a txt from him asking if we could talk the day after the night out. He had missed an appointment for a scan to be with me when i went home. I also found out through him that my ex was sexually abused when he was a child and when he saw the way i was and what happened to me it brought back a lot of things and he struggled to cope but my ex never told me this about his past and he seemed so strong for me after what happened to me. My ex was also subjected to people in work taunting him about me and making jokes about me and he got into a few heated arguments defending me. It turns out the guy who told me my ex trashed me was one of the people who spoke really badly of me and my family and also made sick jokes.

My ex told my workmate he felt really bad about the txts but wouldnt have done it and only txt me so much cos he was scared about being tested for cancer and it was his way of finding comfort to get through it, also he was in a bad place cos what happened reminded him of what happened to him as a kid and hated knowing what i was going through along with people trashing me and making jokes. He said he couldnt tell me cos he couldnt put any more hassle on my shoulders than i already had but i wish he had. My workmate told me my ex made him promise him not to tell a single person but after I told people my ex made my life hell my workmate said he had to tell me to make me understand and not to make my ex out to be something hes not cos he went through hell and when i bad mouthed him it was the last straw for him and he left.

I feel terrible for the way i treated him and cant believe i was such a bitch for saying those things about him after all he did for me. Im ashamed of myself and embarrased but i honestly had no idea what he went through and im a little bit angry he didnt tell me anything otherwise id have understood. its been 3 months since our last contact and i just want to let him know i understand now and see how he is. He was a very loving boyfriend and he was so compassionate and never ever judged me. Is it too late apologise and get in touch with him?

Sorry its so long but it eats away that i did that to him and when i think about him doing all that alone and what i did it breaks my heart. thanks

[Chi townD]

I feel terrible for the way i treated him and cant believe i was such a bitch for saying those things about him after all he did for me. Im ashamed of myself and embarrased but i honestly had no idea what he went through and im a little bit angry he didnt tell me anything otherwise id have understood.

 

Angry at him? He WAS going to tell you and then your incident happened. He put his own problems aside to try to help you deal with everything that you were going through. He cried over you. Defended your honor when people were bad mouthing you. All the while, still facing the possibility of a life threatening disease on his own. It's not that he didn't tell you anything, the problem is, he put you and your needs before his own.

 

I think you let an incredible guy go.

 

Try writing him a letter. Not sure it would do any good. He might read it, he might not. But at least you can try.