Failure to Launch...

[Teknoe]

I saw the red flags in the beginning of the relationship, but I've stuck with him for a year because I was hoping I could do just that, push him along and make him want to be more grown up and responsible. No luck thus far.

 

Let this be a lesson to you, honey. You cannot change another person. Only they, from deep within, can change themselves.

 

Face it, you may be ready, but he's not. Here's a simple formula

 

not ready + not ready = a nightmare

ready + not ready = frustration

ready + ready = best chance for success

 

I'll be honest and say I live at home. I'm 28, and I'm working part-time right now. It's a nice job... $28/H but the issue is, it's part-time. I am not proud of my current life situation, and know I'm not ready to enter an ADULT relationship right now. Hence, I'm not trying and instead focusing on improving my standing so that I may be ready for a serious relationship when the day comes.

 

But right now?

 

Not the time for me to be someone's boyfriend.

 

Problem is, more and more people these days are leaving home later and later. Staying at home until one's late 20s/early 30s is more common now than it was 15-20 years ago. It's the times. They've changed.

 

Bigger problem is, these people often aren't ready for a relationship, but are finding themselves in it, which eventually only leads to the frustration of the person ready for something more serious (i.e. YOU).

 

ready + not ready = frustration.

 

Never fails.

 

I say it's time for a "Come to Jesus" talk with him. Good luck.

[Teknoe]

I'm 30 and live at home and am embarrassed by it. Yeah I'll have a degree next year but when I hear classmates talking and I hear roommate I get embarrassed on the inside.

 

I'm 2 years younger than you but know exactly what you mean. Whenever my friends talk about their roommates or whatever I always get a little embarrassed and anxious if they'd look at me and say "How about you? How are your roomies?"

[Krios]

Renting is throwing your money into a hole. You'll NEVER see that money back again and you'll NEVER pay off the house, so the rent payments will NEVER stop. Renting equals burning your wealth away for a temporary roof over your head. It either PREVENTS you from getting ahead and building wealth OR it significantly slows you down from getting ahead and building wealth. (in a particular income range)

 

When you've been poor, then you think very very hard about how you spend your money. And your boyfriend, with his $10 per hour, is right when it comes down to the mathematics of it all, but he fails to see that by working together with you it CAN work.

 

What you fail to understand is, that when you've grown up in a poor family, then you become very careful with your money. You start to play everything the safe way. You can't talk that out of someone just like that. When you say "come live with me in my rented apartment and lets share the load", then he's hearing: "Come live with me and lets burn/melt our hard earned wealth away. It's alright, I don't care, I grew up in a wealthy family and make more than you do. I burn money easily."

 

He doesn't realize that he can make it work with you NOW and you don't realize that he's trying to play it safe and is thinking long term and in terms of stability for the future.

 

You either have to appeal to both his rationality and his heart and/or you have to find some middle ground.

 

Since he grew up poor, he's seeing what you want as a risk. For you that risk seems smaller, but for him the risk seems bigger, and that's because of your different backgrounds. When something goes wrong financially in a poor family, then the problems can have a large impact. From his perspective you're toying with (financial) stability and thus the stability of the future and from his perspective you intend to do that by burning hard earned wealth away.

 

But I don't disagree with you. The house of one's parents is generally not a good place for a relationship. So when it comes to the relationship you're right. When it comes to financial stability he's right. You both need to find some middle ground. He really needs to feel that when he works together with you both financial stability for the future is maintained and he needs to make you feel that he's willing to be flexible enough to have a place for yourselves where you can both have a healthy relationship in privacy.

Edited February 14, 2012 by Krios

[Star Gazer]

Renting is throwing your money into a hole. You'll NEVER see that money back again and you'll NEVER pay off the house, so the rent payments will NEVER stop. Renting equals burning your wealth away for a temporary roof over your head. It either PREVENTS you from getting ahead and building wealth OR it significantly slows you down from getting ahead and building wealth. (in a particular income range)

 

Eh, I don't care. I can't afford a mortgage in my area without having to get a roommate, and I refuse to live with another person until I'm married. I'll do the whole home-ownership thing then.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

 

So for the first 8 months or so of our relationship, I was living at home also

 

 

 

So wait, if he were a drugged-out crackhead, and you were a drugged-out crackhead, would you really go to the local internet cafe and come to Loveshack to ask whether you should reject him romantically because he is a drugged-out crackhead???

 

 

Short of that, in the 2012 economy, it might be appropriate to rethink your position on standards that were created during better times.

 

IF the guy has a steady job (???) and IF he doesn't blow all his money unhealthfully or irresponsibly, then maybe... oh, say, at least afford him the same standards you have for yourself, whatever those might be.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Ahhhh he's a pot head. It all makes sense now. He lacks real motivation because of the weed.

 

 

 

Oh, wait, so he IS DRUGGED-OUT... (like some others we know here)

 

 

 

Then that's a game changer (unless, of course, you are too)...

 

 

just D.T.M.F.A. !!!!!

[grkBoy]

honeyxo, I'm a little late to this party, but I honestly agree with the sentiments that your boyfriend really has gotten comfy living the life of a teenager.

 

Now I understand this economy is a very big mess, and many end up home. I myself ended up home at age 30 when my life was falling apart in the post-dotcom recession.

 

However, the difference between myself and him was that I had plans and stuck to them, he doesn't. Yes, he got some carpentry thing, and perhaps his $10/hr job is an apprenticeship many have to go through. The problem is he states blatant plans without showing how he'll get there.

 

If he said he has to do this crap gig for a year and then he'll make better money and has a goal of a down payment in another 2 years, then I'd say he's doing right. From what you're telling me, he's hoping you'll "give up" and just be a teenager with him forever.

 

I have a friend who is like this. He lives in his parent's basement and even lost his GF because she wanted to get married, get a house, and have a family. He seemed content living there, playing video games, and buying golf stuff. She ended it and is now married with a kid...he's still being a teenager at age 30.

 

Frankly, I wouldn't even talk ultimatums. He's 30 and "set in his ways". This is the big picture of what life will be like with him. He's not going to magically grow up and be a man. He's just going to keep avoiding life as long as he has to...and probably always look for the easy quick path to slide by in things.

 

Do you really want to go long-term with that?

[maybealone]

I think a lack of a common vision is a primary culprit for so many relationships ending.

 

I agree with this so much. I financed a lazy man's life for too many years. When times were tough, I was willing to take any extra jobs and work countless hours to make sure the bills were paid. For him, when times were tough, he still wouldn't take any job that he felt was "beneath" him and he didn't feel like he needed to use any of his free time to do work around the house. That, in my experience, is a recipe for a whole lot of resentment.

[rightfield]

You need to find a man with which to have a relationship. You have wasted a year dating a boy.

 

Don't even bother with an ultimatum. That will just risk prolonging an unbalanced relationship that is never going to be any better than it is right now.

 

If he is annoyed by your initiative to go get your own apartment, imagine how he is going to react to you getting your degree and starting a career! I'd say that you are two ships passing in different directions, but you are a ship and he is floating around in his little boat and doesn't even care to grab one of the oars and row anywhere...unless he's out of weed.

 

Move on and find a man who has a similar set of values as your own.

[honeyxo]

honeyxo, I'm a little late to this party, but I honestly agree with the sentiments that your boyfriend really has gotten comfy living the life of a teenager.

 

Now I understand this economy is a very big mess, and many end up home. I myself ended up home at age 30 when my life was falling apart in the post-dotcom recession.

 

However, the difference between myself and him was that I had plans and stuck to them, he doesn't. Yes, he got some carpentry thing, and perhaps his $10/hr job is an apprenticeship many have to go through. The problem is he states blatant plans without showing how he'll get there.

 

 

YES! Thank you. This is exactly it. I just don't know how to sit him down and explain this to him without him blowing up with me-- His excuse is ALWAYS!! "I'm poor, I can't go back to school. I tried the construction school thing, that was a terrible idea, I've tried everything in the past to get a job and nothing came of it." He claims he would LOVE to go to school. To which I say, I'm sure if you applied for it, you could get a GRANT from the government! I'm sure of it! That's $$$ you don't have to pay back! But he is too lazy to even try to do that! And I've never, in a whole year, seen him looking on monster.com or other career sites for a job in the construction field. Don't you think you'd look at least once a year? And again, with the house thing, exactly.. all he is doing is SAYING he wants to buy a house, he's not DOING anything to prove this or to show me he's serious and he does not have a plan. Therefore it's never going to happen.

 

His excuse is always "I'm poor" and if I ever suggest anything I always get "I'm never good enough for you" And he's said in the past "I just don't think I can make you happy and if I don't make you happy now, how is that ever going to change?" Maybe he is right.

 

The more and more thinking I do, the more I do think it may be time to cut my losses because despite the fact that I love him and care about him, there's only so much I can say or do... and frankly, my frustration and exhaustion is through the roof at this point. Sucks to have this realization on Valentine's Day...

[binny]

I know things are a bit different in America, but where I am from, if you want to study there are loans/grants/etc you can get to help you through your degree. Granted you end up in debt, but as long as you manage the money carefully during the degree and whilst you are paying it off afterwards, it is very feasible! So I honestly wouldn't buy the "I'm poor" excuse.. not to mention he is probably spending a fair amount of his salary on drugs.. Would you honestly be happy supporting this boy knowing that his salary was being spent to feed his drug habit rather than helping to pay the bills?

 

As many other posters have already said, I wouldn't even bother with an ultimatum. I think you have already realised that it is time to walk away and cut your losses. What's stopping you?

[grkBoy]

YES! Thank you. This is exactly it. I just don't know how to sit him down and explain this to him without him blowing up with me-- His excuse is ALWAYS!! "I'm poor, I can't go back to school. I tried the construction school thing, that was a terrible idea, I've tried everything in the past to get a job and nothing came of it." He claims he would LOVE to go to school. To which I say, I'm sure if you applied for it, you could get a GRANT from the government! I'm sure of it! That's $$$ you don't have to pay back! But he is too lazy to even try to do that! And I've never, in a whole year, seen him looking on monster.com or other career sites for a job in the construction field. Don't you think you'd look at least once a year? And again, with the house thing, exactly.. all he is doing is SAYING he wants to buy a house, he's not DOING anything to prove this or to show me he's serious and he does not have a plan. Therefore it's never going to happen.

 

His excuse is always "I'm poor" and if I ever suggest anything I always get "I'm never good enough for you" And he's said in the past "I just don't think I can make you happy and if I don't make you happy now, how is that ever going to change?" Maybe he is right.

 

The more and more thinking I do, the more I do think it may be time to cut my losses because despite the fact that I love him and care about him, there's only so much I can say or do... and frankly, my frustration and exhaustion is through the roof at this point. Sucks to have this realization on Valentine's Day...

 

A former friend of mine was like that. He would complain endlessly on how he hates his parents, but can't move out...and wishes he made more money or could land a full-time job as opposed to part-time retail jobs.

 

He dropped out of college after a year or so. I could tell he was just sick of school after high school, and saw college as "paying to do more work" while working his McJob was "getting paid for work".

 

So many (including me) would tell him he should finish school and then he can get the better work, but he'd make excuses. He'd say he didn't have the money, but it's amazing how he always has money for dating, his car, video games, and buying sci-fi collectables.

 

I remember him going to college recruiters, asking them point blank "Can you guarantee me that I'll get a job if I get that degree?" He did it to look smug and make recruiters look bad. Even up until our friendship fell apart, he would think I was a fool for going to grad school, claiming I'm only doing it to please my parents.

 

So let's compare now. He's a lowly retail worker who can't afford to live on his own at practically 40...and I'm a talented professional who is even getting into the "sought-after" point, making great money.

 

It pays...and it's worth it. Your boyfriend reminds me of my former friend.

 

Like I said, he's showing you what life will be like with him in the long term. Imagine if you two had kids or something like that?

[honeyxo]

As many other posters have already said, I wouldn't even bother with an ultimatum. I think you have already realised that it is time to walk away and cut your losses. What's stopping you?

 

 

What's stopping me, honestly??? This is going to sound so incredibly awful and shallow...

 

But he is seriously extremely GORGEOUS. I mean, he really honestly is the best looking guy I've ever been with or ever seen on the street. I'm a tall girl and it's hard to be attracted to guys that are not tall. My boyfriend is 6'5", great body, and model good looks, really. And he's great in bed... When he comes into my work to visit all the girls stare and I get lots of compliments, etc.. He's a beautiful man that's not a whore, I might add. Which I feel like comes few and far between.

 

Also- Adding to that I guess why I'm scared to let go of current BF is because of the experience with my last serious relationship. I had a great adult relationship with my ex.. I broke up with him because (get this) he wasn't taking school seriously and blowing it off. We were best friends but I ended things, which crushed his world. And within 3 months he landed a job with a mortgage company and within a year bought a house, and a new cadillac, etc all in hopes of getting me back. He did it all for me. Then I look like the ******* because any girl would die to have a man that dedicated to her, right? Well we tried to get back together and then I realized... he was a little too late. I just wasn't attracted to him physically anymore. He wasn't a bad looking guy don't get me wrong but.. I can't put my finger on it. The spark was dim to begin with in the looks department and then after breaking up it was completely gone. We never even slept next to each other because his snoring disgusted me so much. I sound like such a bitch, but I'm not really. The attraction simply was not there anymore. I still love him dearly as a friend and I'm happy he's doing well for himself. But I never even wanted to kiss him and sex was a chore for me, when it rarely occurred. I just realized that, then 22, it was too young for me to be in a relationship with somebody I didn't have that physical connection with... even though he did everything in his power to show me how much he loved me

 

 

People say looks don't matter but... as shallow as it makes me sound, I realized they do for me. Maybe not for everyone. But I know from experience that I have to have that attraction. So I'm scared in a way, now that I've experienced both ends of the spectrum in the attraction department, that if I let go of this guy whom I think is so beyond gorgeous, I will compare every guy in the future to him and they will never add up. I really have no desire to look at any other men because I feel like I have the hottest guy ever... That's why I'm so depressed because I finally have this guy I WANT to fall asleep with and wake up to every morning, but yet we don't live together. But I'm still holding out hope that he will grow up or change... ugh

 

And so now here I am, with this guy I'm WILDLY attracted to-- even a year later my attraction to him has not changed one bit... but the other part I had with my ex, (the responsible, mature, let's-be-adults here part) is missing. I wish I could combine the 2 and life would be dandy, eh?

Edited February 15, 2012 by honeyxo

[kaylan]

Lmao...because good looking guys who actually behave like adults dont exist?

 

I love hot girls myself, but I wouldnt settle on a girl who behaved like your boyfriend does when I know there are plenty of attractive women who have more of the things I want in a partner.

 

Get real OP. You gotta grow up and realize a successful and happy relationship is the sum of many parts.

 

1 part physical attraction

+ 1 part emotional connection

+ 1 part mental connection

= deep spiritual connection...lasting love...yada yada yada

 

Without all 3, you aint gonna be happy. And you and your boyfriend have different mindsets, so obviously the mental connection aint there. And I can already tell youre gonna end up resenting his laziness and inability to have an adult relationship. This will erode the emotional connection.

 

Physical attraction and good sex wont make up for that. I can tell you from experience with my ex. Best sexual connection of my life...but everything else was missing at the end. Sex only kept us together for so long.

 

And I swear...are you sure you are 25? You shouldnt be worried about getting someone as hot as your current bf in the future if you two break up. Be real. Hes not the only guy in the world that you can be very attracted to. A relationship is more than simply physical attraction. Sure he may look better than some dudes, but that doesnt mean hes the only one who will ever get your motor going. Ive never even heard anyone say that.

 

Usually when people dont want to look at others of the opposite sex its because they love their partner as a whole. A sum of all their parts. Why do you love your boyfriend? Is it simply because you find him to be hot? Because it sounds to me that if he wasnt as gorgeous as he is, that you wouldnt have stuck around and dealt with his behavior. That says a lot about the possible longevity of this relationship.

 

With my ex, I knew she wasnt objectively the most hot girl. She was a 7 objectively, but to me she was a 10 because of the sum of her parts. She just fit me very well at the time. She was smart, cocky, had a sexy body, funny, and was super ambitious. Even if she was Megan Fox or Scarlett Johannson, I wouldnt be thinking Id never find someone else Id be very attracted to. That sounds very juvenile and it makes your love sound totally based on his physical appearance.

Edited February 15, 2012 by kaylan

[binny]

What's stopping me, honestly??? This is going to sound so incredibly awful and shallow...

 

But he is seriously extremely GORGEOUS. I mean, he really honestly is the best looking guy I've ever been with or ever seen on the street. I'm a tall girl and it's hard to be attracted to guys that are not tall. My boyfriend is 6'5", great body, and model good looks, really. And he's great in bed... When he comes into my work to visit all the girls stare and I get lots of compliments, etc.. He's a beautiful man that's not a whore, I might add. Which I feel like comes few and far between.

 

Also- Adding to that I guess why I'm scared to let go of current BF is because of the experience with my last serious relationship. I had a great adult relationship with my ex.. I broke up with him because (get this) he wasn't taking school seriously and blowing it off. We were best friends but I ended things, which crushed his world. And within 3 months he landed a job with a mortgage company and within a year bought a house, and a new cadillac, etc all in hopes of getting me back. He did it all for me. Then I look like the ******* because any girl would die to have a man that dedicated to her, right? Well we tried to get back together and then I realized... he was a little too late. I just wasn't attracted to him physically anymore. He wasn't a bad looking guy don't get me wrong but.. I can't put my finger on it. The spark was dim to begin with in the looks department and then after breaking up it was completely gone. We never even slept next to each other because his snoring disgusted me so much. I sound like such a bitch, but I'm not really. The attraction simply was not there anymore. I still love him dearly as a friend and I'm happy he's doing well for himself. But I never even wanted to kiss him and sex was a chore for me, when it rarely occurred. I just realized that, then 22, it was too young for me to be in a relationship with somebody I didn't have that physical connection with... even though he did everything in his power to show me how much he loved me

 

 

People say looks don't matter but... as shallow as it makes me sound, I realized they do for me. Maybe not for everyone. But I know from experience that I have to have that attraction. So I'm scared in a way, now that I've experienced both ends of the spectrum in the attraction department, that if I let go of this guy whom I think is so beyond gorgeous, I will compare every guy in the future to him and they will never add up. I really have no desire to look at any other men because I feel like I have the hottest guy ever... That's why I'm so depressed because I finally have this guy I WANT to fall asleep with and wake up to every morning, but yet we don't live together. But I'm still holding out hope that he will grow up or change... ugh

 

And so now here I am, with this guy I'm WILDLY attracted to-- even a year later my attraction to him has not changed one bit... but the other part I had with my ex, (the responsible, mature, let's-be-adults here part) is missing. I wish I could combine the 2 and life would be dandy, eh?

 

Firstly, thanks for being honest!

 

Secondly, grow up! So what if your future partners are not as good looking as your current bf. That doesn't mean they won't be good looking and you won't be attracted to them. The longer you leave it the worse it will get. If he hasn't changed after all this time you have been dating, I think you need to realise that chances are, he isn't going to change. There are plenty more fish in the sea, I'm sure you will find someone out there who you are wildly attracted to and will also be responsible and mature. Good luck!

[Old Flame]

If I was him, I'd let you walk.