Mutant Debutante Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 Well, bf just asked me, so I've been thinking about this a little bit. I never really thought I would get married, for various reasons, so I never put a lot of thought into it before. I think I will change my name, though. My last name just reminds me of my bad childhood, my father who took off. I don't even share it with my sisters, we all have different last names already, and I haven't actually seen my biological dad in over fifteen years. A couple of Christmas cards doesn't make me feel like I need to keep that name forever, and it's not like I'm famous under my current name or anything. The more I think about it, the more I like the idea of getting rid of my name. I love my bf, and I like his last name. If for some reason it doesn't work out, I think I'd either keep the new name or I'd change again to one of my former stepdad's names, instead of going back. I totally don't think that whether a woman changes her name or not says anything about how good the marriage is or whether it will last. I'm actually kind of surprised to know people under 80 still think that. 1
CupcakeCrisis Posted March 8, 2012 Posted March 8, 2012 I suggested to my SO that we make a portmanteau of our last names. One portmanteau was "Wins." I suggested to my partner that he would become "Mike Wins" upon marrying. Unfortunately...there is a lawyer around here whose phone number is 1-800-MIKE-WINS. The s/o never took any of the portmanteau names seriously, which is unfortunate. I thought it was a nice and egalitarian way to acknowledge that we BOTH matter in this marriage and we are forming our OWN family. I will probably wind up changing my last name. The reason? So many people are going to assume I've changed my name anyway, and if we correct people, it's going to open us up to a litany of questions: "But why wouldn't you take his last name? Does she not LOVE YOU enough?" We also come from a very conservative family, where this would certainly be taken as a slap in the face...and I'm not keen on rocking the boat much. Plus, I like his last name more. I wanted to hyphenate but feel that can get too long too quickly and most of the folks I know who do that wind up going by only one last name anyway. I even thought about not changing my name unless we have children, but I doubt I'd do that either.
ThatDudeXO Posted March 8, 2012 Posted March 8, 2012 Call me old fashioned but marriage without name changing is pointless. Without taking the name it just makes it a piece of paper which says you are married.
zengirl Posted March 9, 2012 Posted March 9, 2012 Never liked my name, so I took hubby's. I'd considered changing my name for ages, just to one I preferred, and I really do like hubby's name. Flows much better. I don't think it much matters, but I grew up in a house where no one else had the same name as me (Mom re-married) anyway.
D-Lish Posted March 9, 2012 Posted March 9, 2012 There was no way I was going to change my last name when I got married! I might have if I liked his last name, but my last name is much less complicated to pronounce:p Thankfully I didn't change it, because our marriage came to a halt pretty quickly. The paper work is a pain in the arse.
Feliciti Posted March 9, 2012 Posted March 9, 2012 Not even close to considering marriage at this point, but I really don't want to be connected to my parents. I'm actually considering changing my last name just for that reason, even without getting married.
Els Posted March 9, 2012 Posted March 9, 2012 I'm ambivalent about it, I guess. If it mattered a lot to the bf, I would change it. Really, it isn't truly 'my' name, I did not pick it, it's my father's and it was decided long before I was born, so I guess I don't completely understand the strong feelings some women have for their last name. I think a precipitating factor in this is that the bf is happy to take up the traditional 'man's role' in a relationship as well (paying, acting the gentleman on dates, etc), instead of just picking and choosing as he pleases, so I feel that if/when we marry, he is entitled to the parts of tradition that benefit the man as well. I might feel differently about this if I were in a completely egalitarian relationship in which there is no separation or difference of roles. Indeed, I would be fine with a guy who wanted everything 50/50, but I would consider it hypocritical for him to wish me to take up his name in that case.
zengirl Posted March 9, 2012 Posted March 9, 2012 I'm ambivalent about it, I guess. If it mattered a lot to the bf, I would change it. Really, it isn't truly 'my' name, I did not pick it, it's my father's and it was decided long before I was born, so I guess I don't completely understand the strong feelings some women have for their last name. This is kind of how I feel. I'd really like to hear why a gal really cares about her last name (or anyone does), honestly. I get keeping it if it's recognized in your field or something, so I get why some women keep their names but I guess I don't get the sentimental attachment to a name (the gal's or the guy's). I'd really be interested in hearing some of those perspectives.
sweetjasmine Posted March 9, 2012 Posted March 9, 2012 This is kind of how I feel. I'd really like to hear why a gal really cares about her last name (or anyone does), honestly. I get keeping it if it's recognized in your field or something, so I get why some women keep their names but I guess I don't get the sentimental attachment to a name (the gal's or the guy's). I'd really be interested in hearing some of those perspectives. Sure, I'll give it a shot. It's the name I grew up with, so I see it as part of who I am. The same goes for my entire name, not just my surname. I've always been known as Sweetjasmine Whats-her-face, so changing my last name feels as odd as changing my first name would. I wouldn't be vehemently opposed to changing either name, but it would certainly feel like that's not who I really am. My culture is very family-oriented, and my last name is an important way I connect to my family, culture, and past. I feel like changing it would be removing one major link to all of that. My last name is fairly unusual, and it says something about where I've come from. I place value in carrying that part of me in the most public, basic way of identifying who I am. What's funny is that I'd be totally going against the grain of my culture by not taking my husband's last name in hyphenated form... I hope that helps explain a few things. Others probably have different feelings/motivations, too. 1
Author setsenia Posted March 9, 2012 Author Posted March 9, 2012 I agree. I was born with this name...it's been part of my identity my whole life. It flows well with my first name, making my full name unique. My husband's last name also starts with the same first two letters, but he always has to spell out his name and people frequently misspell it. Look at it this way. Why is it so important for a man to have a son to pass down his last name? Why is his last name so important? Is it purely for chauvinistic reasons? To me, marriage is about two joining souls committing and showing love for one another. Why should anyone have change their name to show that? To me, it's not changing my identity or having to share a last name that makes us committed. 1
zengirl Posted March 9, 2012 Posted March 9, 2012 I agree. I was born with this name...it's been part of my identity my whole life. It flows well with my first name, making my full name unique. My husband's last name also starts with the same first two letters, but he always has to spell out his name and people frequently misspell it. Look at it this way. Why is it so important for a man to have a son to pass down his last name? Why is his last name so important? Is it purely for chauvinistic reasons? Oh, to clarify, I think it's weird when men care a ton, too. To me, the changing of names is just a normal tradition---backlash to it seems odd, but so does obsessing about it. It's like an engagement ring or a white dress; I don't really think there's a good, actual point to it, but it's more likely someone objecting to it has a strong (and more interesting) reason than someone just going along with it. 1
Author setsenia Posted March 9, 2012 Author Posted March 9, 2012 That makes sense. I think there is a lot of hype about engagement rings and wedding dresses as well as name changing.For me, I actually didn't give it much thought. I think there would have been more hype if I were to change my last name, but it wasn't a huge deal to me nor my husband. I don't really have any huge reasons as to why I decided not to change.
Funsize Posted March 15, 2012 Posted March 15, 2012 If you don't take his name you are emasculating him. That simple. And do you really want to answer the question why are out last names different mum? And if you are one of those people that gives your children a hyphenated name or your maiden name as his middle name, remember the child is the one who has to live with it. If you want the big wedding cake, the expensive dres and the massive ring, you better be doing your part and honouring the vows and taking his name or you are just spitting in his face.
zengirl Posted March 15, 2012 Posted March 15, 2012 If you don't take his name you are emasculating him. That simple. It is ironic then that many countries that are more "machismo" or male-oriented are places where the woman does not take her husband's name. *Shrugs*
Els Posted March 15, 2012 Posted March 15, 2012 Come now, ZG, don't feed the troll. Are you really taking seriously a poster whose best argument is about trading names for a 'big wedding cake, expensive dress, and massive ring'? 1
climbergirl Posted March 15, 2012 Posted March 15, 2012 I love my maiden name, but it's too long to hyphenate with my married name. So I changed my middle name to my maiden name and have husbands last name. So instead of 'Climbergirl Gertrude Vanderhooten-Lee', it's 'Climbergirl Vanderhooten Lee'.
zengirl Posted March 15, 2012 Posted March 15, 2012 Come now, ZG, don't feed the troll. Are you really taking seriously a poster whose best argument is about trading names for a 'big wedding cake, expensive dress, and massive ring'? Not really. I just thought that it was ironic and actually may be unknown (generally to Americans and Westerners) that taking a man's name is a fairly Western tradition, practiced far more often in countries with greater gender equality than others. 2
Els Posted March 15, 2012 Posted March 15, 2012 Not really. I just thought that it was ironic and actually may be unknown (generally to Americans and Westerners) that taking a man's name is a fairly Western tradition, practiced far more often in countries with greater gender equality than others. Yeah, I agree. There are many Asian cultures in which the woman's name does not change, though there are some who do also.
Author setsenia Posted March 15, 2012 Author Posted March 15, 2012 If you don't take his name you are emasculating him. That simple. And do you really want to answer the question why are out last names different mum? And if you are one of those people that gives your children a hyphenated name or your maiden name as his middle name, remember the child is the one who has to live with it. If you want the big wedding cake, the expensive dres and the massive ring, you better be doing your part and honouring the vows and taking his name or you are just spitting in his face. My last name has been different from my mom's since I can remember. My parents divorced when I was around 4 and she went back to her maiden name. If you think about it, since 50% of marriages end in divorce, the majority of those children may have a different name than their mom. It's just life for some people and what they know. Also with the fact that 50% of marriages end in divorce, do you really want to go through the hassle of name changing on top of that?
denise_xo Posted March 15, 2012 Posted March 15, 2012 I know. My surname has always been different than my mother's. I just can't express how deeply it has traumatized me in any case, a quick way to fix that is to give the kids the same surname as the mother (I know, I know... I'm feeding it :laugh:)
Els Posted March 15, 2012 Posted March 15, 2012 I know. My surname has always been different than my mother's. I just can't express how deeply it has traumatized me in any case, a quick way to fix that is to give the kids the same surname as the mother (I know, I know... I'm feeding it :laugh:) Nooo, an even better solution is for the husband to take the wife's! I mean, hey, if he wants shiny new tuxes and wedding rings and a woman in his bed, he'd better follow dem vows! 2
Author setsenia Posted March 15, 2012 Author Posted March 15, 2012 Yeah god forbid my mom has a different last name, must mean she's not my mom just like I'm not really a wife. lmao!
tomswife Posted March 19, 2012 Posted March 19, 2012 Who all changed their last name here? Who didn't? I kept my last name when we married, because I really like my last name and don't feel it's necessary to change my last name to show my commitment to my husband. I keep my own last name. The kids have both our last names. 1
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