Worried about my relationship, !

[Liliana25]

Hi everyone, I would really appreciate some advice. I have been with my boyfriend for over four years. From the start we’ve had a long distance relationship only seeing each other on weekends. He recently quit his job and works from home on his own business. I’m doing a Masters degree.

 

We usually get on really well. I feel like we understand each other. We have the same sort of moods and opinions. He’s sweet, affectionate, and very loving. I trust him completely and know that he would never cheat on me. He’s always been supportive and encouraging of my education and my goals. He can cook, clean, iron, and look after himself. This is one of the things that really attracts me to him. He always says he loves me and that his feelings haven’t changed.

 

Lately I’ve been feeling like something’s wrong in our relationship. The last year has been really difficult and we have been constantly arguing. He has become really angry and will lose his temper easily. When this happens he swears a lot, mostly the F word. At the beginning of our relationship he used to swear only occasionally and when the situation really warranted it. I have told him several times that it bothers me and I always tell him off when he swears and he always apologises. I used to feel that he respected my feelings on the issue and that he tried to change or at least limit his swearing.

 

In the last year though there have been a few incidents in which he will shout at me and swear repeatedly (using the F word) during an argument and he often reduces me to tears. He also doesn’t seem to care that it is upsetting me. I wrote him a letter telling him that swearing bothers me and he stopped for a few months last year. However, at the weekend we argued twice. I am still so upset and hurt. I feel that everything else he’s done pales in comparison to how he treated me at the weekend.

 

We had a misunderstanding and I got upset because I felt he didn’t want to spend time with me. When I tried to talk to him about it he didn’t want to listen and started shouting and swearing at me. He also blamed me for him losing his temper saying that I’d been “scowling” at him all evening. I admit that I was quite preoccupied that evening and maybe I looked sad but I hadn’t realised that I was scowling. I think he could have just talked to me about it calmly and asked why I looked unhappy. We later made up and we both apologised but, I felt that the whole incident had just been brushed under the carpet.

 

On Sunday we went out for lunch. We were both having a really good time. Then he asked me to promise that I wouldn’t make him wait at the train station. I’ll give a bit of background here. I usually get to his place about four on Saturday and leave at four on Sunday. Trains leave every half an hour and sometimes if I’ve just missed the last train I have to wait for the next one. My boyfriend and I usually sit in the car chatting whilst we wait for the train. I know thirty minutes is a long time, but we’re not going to see each other for a whole week and we always want a bit more time to kiss and say goodbye because we’ll miss each other. Also, I can understand him not wanting to wait on the platform, in the cold, but we always sit in the locked car, with the heating on and just cuddle and kiss and the time seems to go faster because we’re talking. Before, my boyfriend never seemed to have a problem with this and actually enjoyed it. He sometimes even asked me to stay a bit longer. He always says he misses me but now it seems he can’t wait for me to leave.

 

In the restaurant he asked repeatedly what time it was and when’s your train? I got the impression that he just couldn’t wait until I left so he could get back onto his computer and work. When he asked me to promise that he wouldn’t have to wait, I said I would try, but it wasn’t really up to me. When we got in the car I realised that we wouldn’t make the next train so I would have to get the one after. I told him not to hurry and that’s when he erupted. He shouted that I was going back on my promise, that he hated waiting and that he got bored.

 

I felt that he was attacking me and blaming me over something I had no control over. I don’t make the timetable. I also felt like he was saying that he was bored with me (he explained later that he just got bored waiting). He kept repeating that I went back on my promise and then started shouting and swearing. When I asked him to keep a civil tongue he swore even more and started mocking me saying “oh she doesn’t like it, I have to keep a civil tongue now” and then he said “tongue, tongue” several times in a really derisive way. He finally calmed down and we didn’t talk the rest of the journey.

 

At the station I was about to go without us making up and just started crying in the car because I was so upset. I didn’t want to part on bad terms. He blamed me for the whole argument, saying that he was sorry I was crying, but I brought it on myself and that it was my fault. I told him that nothing could justify the way he spoke to me, his tone of voice, and the swearing. He apologised a few times but it seemed to me like he felt he was justified in his behaviour because I “went back on my promise.” He also got upset when I didn’t kiss him goodbye. I felt that if I did kiss him it would give the impression that everything was fine. He started saying that was his “punishment”.

 

I felt that he was acting immaturely and treating me as if I was a parent. I was really upset not so much because of what he said, but the shouting, swearing and his contemptuous tone. Also, I feel hurt because I make an effort to go and see my boyfriend almost every weekend (sometimes we take a break) and I travel nearly two hours each way to see him whilst he just seems eager for me to leave as early as possible on the Sunday. I know he wants to work and I support that but, he has the majority of Saturday before I come and late Sunday afternoon and evening as well as the whole week. I feel like he finds spending time with me to be a chore.

 

I also feel that my boyfriend dismisses my feelings. When I try to tell him how I feel or explain that I didn’t realise that I was pushing him away, he becomes really condescending. He starts acting like I’m being silly and saying things like “mmm-hmm” or “yeah right” in a really scornful tone of voice. When I’m crying and upset he becomes really insensitive saying things like “are we done now?” or “can I read my book now?” Sometimes, when he knows I’m upset because of something he’s done, he asks me if everything is ok. When I say I’m upset he dismisses it as me being silly and doesn’t want to talk.

 

I just don’t know what to do. Is my boyfriend trying to tell me something ie. he wants me to break up with him? I have heard that guys act like this sometimes because they want the girl to break up with them. Almost every time we argue my boyfriend says something like "I'm done" or "I'll take you back to the station". He always assumes that just because we've had an argument we should break up. The whole thing is really getting me down - I don't want to break up but it seems like he's always thinking about it.

 

My boyfriend was so affectionate and loving on Saturday and then on Sunday he was horrible to me and wanted me to leave. What does this mean? Is this normal behaviour or is it emotionally/verbally abusive? I have actually tried to convince myself that this behaviour is normal because swearing is everywhere now, but on the other hand my boyfriend knows that it upsets and hurts me and he keeps doing it. Apart from the two incidents at the weekend this has happened at least once before. He always apologises and then he does it again. I really love him and want to make it work, but I just don’t know if I can cope anymore. Is there any hope for our relationship? Can my boyfriend change? What should I do? I think the whole thing is even affecting my health. My parents say I always come home looking miserable and upset.

 

Thanks everyone for advice and sorry for the long message.

Edited February 13, 2012 by Liliana25

[Fasteddie]

I understand how you feel Liliana, i too get upset when profanity is used around me. My philosophy is life is short, make the most out of it. Which in simple words is to live a happy life, because negative energy is a poison for both the body or the soul.

 

well i don't know your situation very well so all i suggest is to talk to your bf, 4 years is not a short time i'm sure he has his own reasons for acting this way. But please remember that people do change what we want to see in others and what's really happening are two different things.

 

One thing i do know is never stay in a relationship that makes your miserable all the time. Something must be done quickly

 

Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.

 

hope this helps

[leannesagoodman]

This is difficult. Obviously you love him a lot, but at the moment he's acting as if you love him a lot more than he loves you back.

 

It's hard because when you love someone that much, the last thing you want to do is to argue, or to get upset with them, or to have to ask them to change how they are. Very often asking them to change doesn't work. All you want to do is love them but when they're being like this you don't know what to do.

 

But things can't carry on like this, whatever happens. I'm not saying that breaking up's a solution, because it doesn't need to go that far. But I think you know that things need to change for it to work out for you both to be happy.

 

As for what he's feeling, it's pretty unclear. I mean it sounds like he wants to see you and be with you, but then he's also sending out mixed messages about whether he wants you or not. And he doesn't seem to be in the mood for explaining much.

 

You know that things need to change - how this comes about though, I'm sorry I can't help with that but I think there is still hope. You guys might just need a change or something, a breath or fresh air somehow. I do hope that it works out for you two though because it sounds like you love him a lot

[Liliana25]

Thanks for the replies.

I do love my bf so much and I really want us to work out. I don't know what's happening with us atm though. Since we last saw each other that Sunday we haven't spoken once. He hasn't called me in eight days which is the longest time we haven't spoken. I haven't called him because I don't want to appear clingy. I don't know how he feels about me anymore, whether he even loves me. But, leannesagoodman you're right. Things can't carry on the way they are. I think if I don't hear from him for another week I'll write him an email telling him how I feel.