Has anyone survived a split self affair?

[Snowbird]

Hello everyone, I've only just joined this forum and I’m not sure if I just need the cathartic experience of writing this down or whether I need to hear people’s experiences. Hopefully it will be both.

 

I am the betrayed spouse in a what I believe to be a split self/Midlife affair.

 

My husband and I have been married for 13 years, married for 6. We don’t have any children.

In November 2010 my husband sat me down to tell me that he felt things hadn’t been right for a while, he wasn’t happy, didn’t know what do with his life, felt no passion for anything, felt lost and restless and wasn’t sure of his feelings for me – a classic midlife crisis speech. He said there was no-one else. (He lied, I later found out the affair had been going on for a year at this point, since Autumn 09.) I was devastated. It was true there was an issue – our sex life had fizzled out in 2007 and despite my efforts to get him to talk about it I had always failed, and attempts to initiate sex ended in failure too. I believed (still do) that his mother’s death earlier in 2007 meant he has hugely repressed his emotions. He never shed a single tear over her death, despite being close to her, beyond being a bit choked giving her eulogy. In fact I’ve never seen him cry EVER all the time we’ve been together. I’d had a feeling something hadn’t been quite right with us as I had felt neglected and unloved for a while, but despite these problems (which obviously needed addressing) I didn’t think things were as bad as this. We had both been very happy for years, with no other issues.

We talked, we muddled through for two or three months, having occasional crisis talks trying to get to the bottom of his feelings, although by this point I did suspect a affair and the who the partner was too. I never found or saw any concrete evidence and what little I did find was tenuous at best. Eventually in May 2011 we went to counseling. It seemed to go well. The counselor thought we were in a negative communication loop of some kind, not helped by my husband’s inability to express his feelings, and some sort of emotional block. My husband also knew he was going to be made redundant at the end of August which was another additional pressure. The counselor remained puzzled, but as we were apparently communicating well, he sent us on our way after about 7 sessions.

Again, things trundled along. Then in September 2011, my husband said he had feelings for someone else, the person I suspected as the AP. Again I was upset, but hey – marriage is for life. You’re going to find other people attractive occasionally, the trick is not to act on it. He claimed he hadn’t. Ha!

 

I sent him to one of his best friend’s for the night and ordered him to talk. Until then, he’d talked to no-one but me and the counselor – he hadn’t confided in any friends, mainly because by now he’d lost all his best friends to other countries. Even the one he was going to see was about to emigrate. He talked to his friend, but only scratched the surface. His friend later told me he thought he was just stressed about being out of work.

 

Another month of struggling. Finally, the OW forced his hand in October 2011 and told him to tell me about their affair – or she would tell me. He told me. The affair had ended about the time we started counseling in May. Apparently she had ended it by making herself less available and it had fizzled out. She was a co-worker at one of the company’s regional offices over 200 miles away from our home, and is nearly 15 years younger than him. My husband’s work trips had taken him there a couple of times a month and they occasionally met in other cities too, but only when work meant they would both be there at the same time. I think there was only one occasion when they met outside of work commitments but of course I can never be certain. I got her number and texted her to let her know he’d told me. She said she’d ended it because she couldn’t see a future for them together, she still had feelings for him now but he’d messed her about too much. What did she expect from seeing a married man?!

 

More devastation. Back to counseling. I won’t go too much into how I felt, I know most of you probably know exactly how I felt/ feel. He was hugely sorry, remorseful, guilty; everything he should be. He worked hard to do his best for me and the marriage. Don’t forget also that we were both home all the time now following his redundancy – he was out of work and I work in my home office. He’d had no real contact beyond genuine work contact with OW since the affair and nothing since being made redundant. He deleted her email address, phone number, etc. He declared the affair over. I believe it was.

 

As horrendous as all this was, I felt we and he were making good progress at reconnecting. We even managed to resume our sex life. However, I constantly felt like his attention was lacking; there were no “true” feelings of love or passion towards me. He obviously cared as he was clearly upset by how much he’d hurt me but he would procrastinate about doing things just for us. We discussed all of this in counseling and he seemed unable to explain it. He wanted to do these things, but just couldn’t bring himself to. I said this behavior indicated that he didn’t actually love me, it was just guilt and didn’t want to be with me any more. He denied this 100% - but still couldn’t seem to bring himself to be “close” to me.

We got to an impasse and the counselor had to let us go again. Despite, this I was feeling much more positive, generally and I felt I could forgive the affair over time.

 

A week after our last session, with no warning, my husband declared that his feelings for the OW had recently come back (just days ago!) he couldn’t recommit to he, he’d tried really hard, he’d given it three months. I was so hurt. Was all the work in counseling just lies? He said he was going away to a hotel to think, but I knew that meant he was going to contact her. He did, he set off for her home city that night. I’ve no idea what she though about being suddenly contacted out of the blue by her ex AP and have him show up in her home town, but she agreed to see him. He stayed in a hotel, they’ve been talking, he swears they haven’t slept together.

 

He is still away. Last night he stayed at hers – he says in separate rooms. He told me he wants to try with her, but she seems ambivalent. He says she hasn’t answered either way to this request. Again, I only have his word on this. I’m tempted to call her, but I know that’s not a good idea. I wish she’d just go away. She has nothing to lose by breaking it off – some heartbreak, that’s all. I stand to lose everything if either he leaves, or if I’m forced to end our marriage because of his behavior, what he’s done or to protect myself.

 

While all this was going on, I discovered the split self affair type, which I hadn’t come across before. It was the first time I read about an affair type and realized that was EXACTLY what it was. All our other discussions about how and why never really delivered any answers. I read the article in the “Handbook of the Clinical Treatment of Infidelity” and it could have been written about my husband. Everything from the over thinking, the “always doing things right”, being good at therapy, even down to giving reports, rather than actually saying what he is feeling! I sent him the article, he agreed it was uncanny and that it explained so much of what we have been experiencing. The only part of the article he disagreed with was that his affair was serious and emotionally involved. He said they would met as part of work maybe 2-3 times a month, then maybe dinner or drinks afterwards, which would usually lead to sex. There were no romantic gifts or weekends away, for example. He agrees he will need therapy, which the article indicates is long term – maybe even for two years. Whether we stay together or not, if he doesn’t do therapy this internal split will follow him wherever he goes. I think he has always been split, but not dangerously so until his mother died and he repressed his grief and made it worse.

 

I’m stuck. His running off to her was a classic split self flip-flop and escape. He doesn’t know what he wants. I want to help him; after all this issue with his emotions is not my fault – it’s something he needs to sort out himself. I’m his wife. I love him and want to support him through it. But what if, finally, he chooses her? Or nobody? I’m not prepared to put up with months or years of flip flopping. He said it wouldn’t be fair of me to wait. He’s right – but I’m his wife. I signed up for the long-haul and its potential problems. I’m not stupid. The article advises time alone and we’ve agreed to discuss him moving out.

 

I’m also not convinced this hasn’t now become an exit affair. If he can’t be loving and passionate towards me, then maybe it’s because he doesn’t want to be with me any more. He said he’s still wearing his wedding ring and he’s spending a lot of his time alone away from her (she works full time) and applying for jobs near our home – not 200 miles away near her! He is clearly confused.

 

What he has done to me and us is painful, destructive and unforgiveable, but at last, I think, explainable. I want to hold off doing anything serious until we’ve discussed IC for him which has to happen if we have any chance of moving forward. I have already booked myself back in with the counselor for a session on my own.

 

If you’re still reading after all this, well done. Ultimately though, what I want to know is, has anyone survived this kind of affair? Did you work through it and things slowly improved, or did you have to walk away? My googling has found very little in the way of personal experiences for this type of affair and the one or two I have found don’t have much in common with my situation, nor are they happy endings. I told my husband that my reading about this affair meant told me it was it was almost impossible to recover from – His impression that was that the outcome could be positive!

 

I’m just so sick of all this. Maybe it IS over and should have been a long time ago.

[PinkInTheLimo]

Your husband is in limbo and me thinks he likes it there. Imagine, two women fighting for his attention (if no more).

Does not matter what name you give to the beast, split self, exit, it's a nasty beast coz it's an affair.

 

I think you will have to decide which way to go. Because if you wait until your husband makes a decision, you can wait a long time... Do you want to live like that? I don't think so. Consequently your only option is to file for divorce. He's not happy in general and he is not happy with you. Not because of you but because of his own issues. Well, let him be a big boy and deal with them himself.

[frozensprouts]

i'm so sorry you have had to go through this ... it's a really hard road to travel

 

you say the two of you have been to counseling together, but it doesn't sound as if he was being honest with the counselor...makes it kind of hard to get much benefit from it

 

it sounds like you may have some very difficult decisions to make. If his other woman rejects his ideas for a full time relationship with her, you may well find him coming back to you. under those circumstances, would you be willing to allow him back?

 

my advice to you ( and I am not saying it is great advice) is to tell him that you are letting him go to be with his ex other woman. Tell him that if he goes, you do not want any calls from him, any emails, any contact at all, unless it is absolutely necessary for the purposes of your separation/divorce. If he needs to contact you, it can be through a third party. You don't do this to be mean or create animosity, but let him know that it's because he has hurt you and you want to protect yourself from being hurt again.

Should he decide that being with the other woman is not what he wants ( either now or in the future) then it's up to you whether or not you agree to take him back, but if you do, I would strongly advise that you have a firm list of conditions that he must meet in order for you to resume your relationship with him. Some conditions could be: he attend counseling both independently and with you as a couple, that he voluntarily cut off all contact with his ex other woman, that he do whatever you need for him to do to rebuild your trust in him, etc.

Unless he fixes whatever it is that is broken within himself, he may very well repeat the same behavior patterns over and over, whether it's with you or with someone else

 

( again, i'm not saying my advice is great, but i do hope it helps a bit0

[oldguy]

I did read read the whole thing

Ask your counselor if he can refer you.

Most relationships can be saved. It just takes a lot more of what it would have taken to keep them healthy and among that is commitment first of all.

It sounds very much like you are committed now he must commit.

 

I would ask that yo also take into consideration how this relationship is effecting the children. Its not a healthy life learning experience for them, especially for the 13 year old. They are not stupid. What is acceptable for you may very well become acceptable for them.

Edited February 13, 2012 by oldguy

[Snowbird]

Thank you for your input so far. It's useful to see other people's views that aren't influenced by knowing either me or my husband.

 

Sorry oldguy, I made a typo - we don't have children. I should have written we have been *together* 13 years, married for 6.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I'm sorry for what you're going through.

 

I understand why you feel relieved at having a label for your husband's behavior, but personally, I think "split self affair" is a pop psychology term that doesn't mean anything. Anybody who feels conflicted about anything, and acts upon it, I guess, has a "split self" according to this. And a huge percent of the population does, including lots of those who are acting out on "midlife crisis" feelings, normal "cake eaters," and "grass is greener" folks. And people who eat ice cream when they want to lose weight, or watch TV when they know they need to do their taxes.

 

From my perspective, your husband needs to decide what he wants to do, and get whatever help he needs to do it. You need to decide what you are willing to put up with while he waffles and get the support you need to back you up with your decision.

[PhoenixRise]

Snowbird

 

It sounds like you have been through the ringer and I am really sorry for your pain.

 

 

I think at this point you should focus on saving yourself. Focus on creating as wonderful a life as you can without your husband. I am not saying that you and he won't reconcile at some point, but I am saying don't enable him.

 

There was an OW who used to post here regularly who stayed in the affair for many many years in part because she believed her MM was a "split self".

IMO her belief that he was a split self and her "understanding" of his condition just allowed him to continue the affair and stay on the fence.

 

He left you to explore a relationship with her. Let him go. Don't sit around and hope he will return to you. If he ever DID come back he shouldn't find you still waiting there with open arms. He should have to fight like hell to get you back.

 

Please know that if your husband ever comes back, he will only value you to the degree that you value yourself. If he never comes back, valuing yourself is a great place to start while you are building a fabulous life without him.

 

Good luck with everything.

[seren]

Snowbird, so sorry you are going through all this. Me and my H are reconciled after an A, but it was nothing like what you have described and it was hard enough knowing he wanted it to work, without knowing he had left and was with OW.

 

It sounds like he is dithering, for me, the thing is this, it's like someone trying to be a trapeze artist, they will only try it if there is a safety net, you are the safety net at the moment. If he is indeed going through a midlife or split self (don't really understand all that) affair, it is still an affair and he is out of the house. I wonder if he understands your feelings, how his actions are affecting you and if he does, what he feels about himself for causing that.

 

It might be that your marriage is over (sorry to be so direct) and of course there will be practicalities, but I would imagine you really need to examine what you want if he decides he wants to come home. If the OW isn't exactly welcoming him with open arms I don't give their being together with him out of work very long as they would be starting with problems, are you willing or more importantly, do you want to give him the option of returning to you?

 

Your marriage as it was is no more, if you both were to reconcile it takes a lot of work, a lot of change and truth and if you both are committed to making it work a new relationship may be possible. BUT, the way things stand, I would say look after you, your interests, your future, what and how you want it to be and then as someone suggested, tell him no more contact other than practicalities until he is NC with OW and is prepared to talk. TBH, I love my H to bits, but really don't know if we could have recovered from what you are experiencing.

 

Someone whose H left to be with OW might be more helpful and they will come along and help. I just hope it gets easier.

[Snowbird]

Thank you everyone. I'm just reading and absorbing at the moment.

 

I should mention that his departure last week wasn't intended to be permanent, he wanted to get away for a few days, although it was inevitable he would go to the OW once he'd said what he'd said.

 

He is intending to go to his father's in the next day or two (Thursday is the anniversary of his mother's death). We may meet to talk before he goes there or later in the week when he returns home, but we have both agreed that he should move out.

[Kidd]

Read up on the "180." It will help you to detach and may be the push off the fence that he needs.

[whichwayisup]

He left you to explore a relationship with her. Let him go. Don't sit around and hope he will return to you. If he ever DID come back he shouldn't find you still waiting there with open arms. He should have to fight like hell to get you back.

 

I agree. Especially the last part!

 

I am sorry that you're going through this and suffering pain.

[Owl]

So...what's YOUR goal at this point? Reconciliation? Divorce? And...what's your PLAN on getting to your goal?

[sad puppy]

Hi Snowbird. I have read your story and I'm going to give you the perspective of the OW, as some of your path is similar to my story.

 

We met, he had been married 15 years, 2 kids, supposedly sexless marriage for last 8 years. We completely hit off, became fast friends & lovers. The "problem of him being married" began at about the 6 week mark. The affair continued over 1.5 years, lots of tears & fighting. In the course of the 1.5 years, I saw him 13 times, 2 being weekend getaways. Only 13 times in the 1.5 years as I was trying to stay away from it all as best as I could and give him space. During that time he went to marriage counseling, family vacations, ... wife suspected nothing.

 

Right prior to the 1.5 year mark, I told him, I am done, as nothing here is changing. He had already begun the "I love you, but am not in love with you" talk with her, and divorce began to be lightly disucssed. They agreed to divorce amicably at 1.5 year mark and then he confessed the affair, which turned it all into a nightmare.

 

He moved out (this was in Sep 2011) and is still out, I guess. He's been attending IC and keeps telling me he's "confused and wants be whole" and we have only seen each other a couple times since then, I firmly broke it off on New Year's day. When his wife found out we were still communicating after he moved out, she freaked out, and I suspect that there may have been an agreement when he moved out to get the IC, have a bit of a separation, ... with the understanding that he wouldn't communicate with or see me.

 

I, frankly, had enough and lost a lot of respect for him throughout this process. He's not been honest with his wife or me.

 

This is where some of your story is similar in the confusion, and waffling of this guy. I suspect he's lying to you about a lot of it. To see the OW 2,3,4 times a week is a lot. I suspect he is soft pedaling on the sex aspect. I think you are right on target with this being either a split self or exit affair. I think you have been exceedingly nice and patient and understanding and accepting of his report on things.

 

In all my reading, it does sound like the 180 is the way to go. It is your chance to make him miss you, get "forced to the OW", and maybe receive his wake up call. Do not allow the dithering. Do not be his emotional back-up plan. Don't do it. I believe when people operate with pride & integrity for themselves, that is a very attractive aspect.

 

I actually called the BW and told her simply, you are free to call me at any time should you need to talk. I told her I felt neither one of use were getting the straight story here. I was right, he moved out - continued to string me along, promised her we weren't speaking (we were), and is still waffling or was (who the hell knows, I am done). I suspect this is what's going on here for you. Follow Owl's advice, he is really good at holding everyone accountable and having a plan.

 

Best of luck to you, I wanted to chime in and give you some feedback from the other side.

[Snowbird]

sad puppy, that sounds terrifyingly familiar. Thank you for giving me your POV.

 

Owl - Good questions. I think I'm still figuring those answers out myself. I have a very strong belief in marriage for life and taking the rough with the smooth, and there is a stubborn part of me that refuses to admit that maybe this marriage has failed - or rather he has failed me! and I should let it go.

 

Ideally I would like to reconcile. But it may be that in a few days or weeks I'll decide I just don't want to take this crap any more and decide to get out regardless.

 

I have been and looked at the 180 approach today. I can't see what I have to lose on this front so I'll be ignoring his daily call from now on...

[sad puppy]

I just bet if you change up your approach here, he's gonna think "whoa, wait a minute, she's not patiently standing by waiting for me". He will come back to you, you've made it too easy for him to waffle, commonly know as having his cake and eating it too. You're changing the existing dynamic. He won't like it, it's not comfortable. Ha!!

[Owl]

Have a clearly defined goal...and a well-thought out plan of action to reach your goal.

 

Most important 'first steps' you can take towards your own personal recovery from all of this.

[18Years2Late]

You've gotten some excellent advice here...I hope u don't mind but like sad puppy I'm also an xOW...also a 1.5 year A...I'm very sorry for your pain...we've been there from one side if the triangle or another...

 

From my xMM experience...it sounds to me like he's doing everything in his power to get you to "pull the trigger"...bc he's a coward and he wants no blood on his hands STS...my xMM that too...it disgusted me...I couldn't believe I loved a man that much without a spine or testicle in his body...I sent him packing...he said "ok I'll go til I can come back and give u what u deserve"...puulleease...he prob missed the part where I said don't bother...can't wait to that day...not...although it will give me great pleasure to send him right back...

 

I say that bc like your H's OW it sounds like she kicked him to the curb...and he came running back to his safety net...xMM's BS still thinks to this day that he broke it off with me...and she has told me that it would b the ultimate deal breaker if she ever found out otherwise...my lips are sealed...I don't want him running back to me...the difference here is that u have the truth...you know it wasn't your H decision to end the A...you know per him that he has feelings for her...u know per him that he ran right back into her arms (not different beds) the minute he had the chance...u know he's been lying the whole time at some real expensive counseling sessions...stop second guessing and picking apart his words...he's a liar...u know that...stop trying to diagnoses his latest mental condition...do the 180...today for u...pull the trigger...today...for u...thank whatever god u worship that u have no kids and run for the hills...u don't need his mighty issues...and it's not your to fix them...value yourself first and don't allow him back in your life ever...he's shown u everything u need to know...regardless of the name for it...doesn't matter...

 

I know this is hard...I know...but today is the first day of the rest of your life...if u make a decision...that benefits YOU...not him...

 

Hugs....

[robf1971]

Thank you everyone. I'm just reading and absorbing at the moment.

 

I should mention that his departure last week wasn't intended to be permanent, he wanted to get away for a few days, although it was inevitable he would go to the OW once he'd said what he'd said.

 

He is intending to go to his father's in the next day or two (Thursday is the anniversary of his mother's death). We may meet to talk before he goes there or later in the week when he returns home, but we have both agreed that he should move out.

 

The only way you have a dog's chance of 'saving' things is by telling him he's not welcome back home anymore. Tell him his bags will be waiting in the driveway on X'day and to come and get them.

 

Let him go live with this wonderful OW, in fact wish him all the best with her. Give him what he wants. !!

[PinkInTheLimo]

I should mention that his departure last week wasn't intended to be permanent, he wanted to get away for a few days, although it was inevitable he would go to the OW once he'd said what he'd said.

 

Well well, being able to leave just for a few days and knowing that this is not permanent, is exactly the safety net someone else mentioned.

 

You should tell him that you will not put up with such a thing as "leaving just for a few days" in your marriage. Either you are in or you are out. Don't let yourself be treated as a machine that can be switched on and off.

 

I think you are scared to death that your marriage will end and therefore you settle for crumbs. It won't work because he will respect you less and less and eventually he will leave you.

 

It's time for you to grow a pair and establish firm boundaries. He has left for the moment so make it clear to him that for you this equals leaving the marriage and therefore you will give this act of his the consequence it deserves = he closed the door behind himself so that door remains closed until he proves to you that he wants to commit to your marriage. In the mean time you file for divorce. Do not allow him to operate in a grey zone, and more importantly do not allow yourself to be dragged into a grey zone.

[PhoenixRise]

Snowbird I am curious

 

 

What makes you think your husband's affair has anything at all to do with "split self"?

 

I don't think I have ever seen a BS posting about "split self" so I am wondering how you got the idea that this is what is going on with your husband.

 

From what I remember, "split self" affairs are characterized as a MM staying in a marriage (or being torn by) a strong sense of duty toward the wife while while all his emotions (love, passion) go toward the other woman. Duty VS Love.

 

Are you saying that you think your husband is only considering returning to you out of a sense of duty or obligation?

[xxoo]

I stand to lose everything if either he leaves, or if I’m forced to end our marriage because of his behavior, what he’s done or to protect myself.

 

You do have a lot to lose. Your current life will change.

 

But much of what you would "lose" is negative. By taking charge, you will lose the feeling of powerlessness. By ending your marriage, you will lose a cheating, lying husband. You will lose the dead weight dragging you down.

 

I can only imagine how difficult it would be to let go. But I do think there would be a lot of gains, as well as losses, if you do cut him loose.

[Snowbird]

Hi PhoenixRise - my understanding of split self (where it has nothing to with marriage, but as an individual) is the need to "do the right thing" all the time which means that the emotional self has been neglected or buried, usually without the person realising it. This is my husband to a tee - I mentioned his lack of emotion about his mother's death earlier, which is weird, especially as they were close. I've never seen him cry. He's always been very rational and risk averse, thinking hard before he does anything. Does what he thinks is expected of him, rather than probably what he really (subconsciously) wants. He used to be very busy socially, (3-4 years ago, before the affair and before he took the job where he met the OW) always saying yes to a beer with friends, up to the point where I told him to say no occasionally, just so he could have a night off! He's not totally emotionless, but in these last few years his passion for everything seems to have disappeared, and I don't just mean for me; also for his hobbies, his friends and his career - just life in general. As I also said, the majority of those friends have moved to different countries in the last 3-4 years - They grew up and settled down. I don't think he has and at 44, he really should have by now.

 

When I spoke to him yesterday I asked him if he wanted a divorce. He dithered again. When he called today I ignored his call, listened to his message, then took the dog for a nice walk.

 

Thank you again for your posts so far. I'm taking it all on board.

[donnamaybe]

Hi PhoenixRise - my understanding of split self (where it has nothing to with marriage, but as an individual) is the need to "do the right thing" all the time which means that the emotional self has been neglected or buried, usually without the person realising it.

So having an A is "doing the right thing?"

[PhoenixRise]

Thanks for answering Snowbird.

 

So what are you going to do? How long are you willing to put up with his dithering?

[Stellar Wench]

I read a nearly identical thread on another forum, where it was revealed that the thread-starter was really an OW. She had determined that her MM was split self because it gave her comfort in staying in the affair and hopeful that the MM would finally make up his mind and choose her.

 

The problem started when the OW felt that the MM was pulling away from her and getting closer to the BS. He was taking the BS out on dates and familial outings. He assured the OW that he was no longer in love with the BS, but he continued to date his wife. The OW became so jealous of the BS, that she impersonated her on the forum. I suppose she was hoping for everyone to tell her that the MM would leave his wife, or that the wife would eventually make the decision for everyone and leave him.

 

That didn't really happen, but the OW was told the same thing the BS would have, which was not to allow the MM to fence-sit.

 

Is this something that resonates with you, Snowbird? Are you prepared to stop allowing the fence-sitting?