girlygirl2011 Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 Hey all, I have posted a couple of times on here, I am engaged to be married to my lovely boyfriend in August. He really is the one and treats me how I have always wanted to be treated. I am however guilty of being very insecure due to problems during childhood (lots of bullying), a very controlling mother and a string of bad relationships. I have done a lot of work on myself over the years to become a stronger person and have learned to love myself, but every so often, those old insecurities creep back and if I let them run away with themselves I work myself up in to a state where all I can feel is the paranoid thought. Every time it happens, I know I have a choice whether to voice these issues or not, my other half always pushes me to talk about them. Obviously as they are related to my insecurities, he takes them personally and gets offended (I understand why of course) but then we invariably have a heated discussion which ends up with me feeling worse than before. We had another episode last night and I felt like things were resolved even though he was visibly frustrated but we wend to bed and cuddled, but he left on business early this morning and didn't say goodbye and I know how stupid it sounds but I feel like crap. Now I won't see him till tomorrow, I'm supposed to be working but I can't concentrate and all I can think about is how stupid I was for saying something and how much he must hate me right about now. I have ordered a couple of recommended books for dealing with anxiety and insecurity and have made a pact with myself that next time I won't let him push me in to talking about the fears and will just try to deal with them on my own.... I am 34 and am feeling that I have passed my "golden years" I can see I have put on weight, my hair looks bad, I don't have time to go to the beautician like I used to and I'm worried about him not finding me attractive anymore and looking elsewhere. I know with my rational mind that he is a very sensible, grounded individual who loves me for all of me not just for what I look like but I feel very insecure around more attractive women and I just want it to stop and I want to relax and enjoy my future with this lovely guy. Does anyone have any first hand advice?
oldguy Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 Your are NOT beyond your 'golden years" you haven't even approached them. What sort of insecurities do you have, how do they present themselves; self esteem, jealousy or...?
Author girlygirl2011 Posted February 13, 2012 Author Posted February 13, 2012 Your are NOT beyond your 'golden years" you haven't even approached them. What sort of insecurities do you have, how do they present themselves; self esteem, jealousy or...? Thanks for responding oldguy, generally these insecurities present themsleves as jealous thoughts or paranoia about being inadequate, being cheated on, generally they live in my head and I can control them and tell the "chatterbox" to shut up, but every so often when I'm not feeling 100% I allow the thoughts to keep churning, and get worse almost like the run up to a panic attack without the attack where it's all I can think of, then when it gets to a head, I shut down and become distant, obviously he knows me well and he can tell immediately that something's wrong, whereas I could probably make a good stab at processing the thought and give me 10 minutes to myself, he always pushes me to tell him what it is, then i tell him, he seems really sweet and understanding, I chill out a bit then he pulls away and I feel even worse. I have also had problems with some of his female friends, admittedly they are overbearing friends but I have learned to rise above this now and it's no longer a problem. It only really becomes an issue when I'm having a "bad day" and feel inadequate then I let them get to me. Sorry for such a rambling answer!
oldguy Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 This is a great place to start; there are 3 more links within this one; http://retroactivejealousy.blogspot.com/2011/08/how-to-overcome-retroactive-jealousy.html btw, this blog is by a woman. There are other methods as well. Tell me what you think of these first.
Author girlygirl2011 Posted February 13, 2012 Author Posted February 13, 2012 Hi oldguy, This was really good reading, I don't fall under the "retro" category but I would DEFINITELY class my thoughts as OCD, in fact, I have obsessive thoughts in general with other anxieties and fears I have (fear of flying, fear of losing loved ones) so this is really a good start. I know therapy would help but I don't live in an English speaking country and money is tight but I will definitely look in to getting some literature on this as have read some really good books in the past that have helped me with other stuff. Really appreciate your time, it's so nice to know that even when we feel alone there are sites like this where a kind-hearted stranger is happy to donate their time to help. This is such a good site. Thanks again, S
oldguy Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 I thought the research done in the blog was very well done & does cover several topics. IMO many symptoms of OCD, anxiety, depression & the like can be relieved with the use of medications until one can get more permanent relief. Sometimes that relief can come from things as simple as dietary change to EMDR or even dietary supplements at times. I've heard of effective emotional treatments such as Acupuncture or an EMDR related therapy called; "EFT tapping" some info available on you tube. I can't speak for EFT as I know very little about it other than it s supposed to work much like EMDR which I know is effective. Of course, as you know, the most effective long term treatment in your case is going to be therapy when it's available to you. Many of the issues you mentioned often have a common cause or causes. If there is anything else I can do just let me know. LS is pretty good isn't it? Best of luck.
Author girlygirl2011 Posted February 13, 2012 Author Posted February 13, 2012 Actually, acupuncture is a great suggestion, I used to have regular acupuncture and am a great believer, I also used to meditate which also helped in general... as you can see I think I have been neglecting "me" a bit... it's so easy to get caught up with work, housework, wedding planning and rushing about pleasing friends and family that I have kind of neglected the little things I used to do for myself. I have already found a well recommended book on obsessive thoughts which I will buy off Amazon. Thanks so so much
Stellar Wench Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 I suggest counseling. If you work, counseling might be available for you through your insurance or employer. It's not his role to alleviate your insecurities. It's your role to be comfortable in your skin, in who you are, and know that you are worthy and bring value to the relationship. If you can not get counseling, work on the things you know you can fix yourself. If you are unhappy with your appearance, work to change it. Help others. Do things to build your esteem.
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