MarkV Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 Hi everyone. This post moves on from my previous one I posted. My girlfriend of 6 years moved out just over a month ago because she thought that I would never want to marry or have children. Im 31 and she is 25. I was always cautious because i wanted to take things one step at a time and the next step was a house. The pressure was on me to provide a deposit as she has no savings and has never really tried in all our years together. This made me a little distant when she wanted to talk about the future. On nye she told me she had been struggling with her feelings for a couple of months and she needed to move out to decide what she now wants in life because i pushed her away. I totally understand why she is feeling that and i reassured her that i do want all those future things with her even though i could have spoken more about them. So I openly admitted my mistakes. Anyway she has been gone for a month now and i have seen her once and spoke twice on the phone. Both times have been pleasant with no talk about what happened. I didnt want to talk about it again and for her to put he barriers up again. When i spoke to her on Saturday it was again a pleasant conversation and she asked me questions about how I was getting on and whether i was planning on working in the usa again this summer. She seems to be stalling on any thing in her life and has not really been looking after herself (eating junk food, not sleeping well, ill etc). At the end of the conversation I found it really hard to tell her something...a month before she told me she was leaving I bought an engagement ring and planned to propose in the mid week of Feb. She didnt say much and seemed a little bit lost for words. I put a £300 deposit down on the ring and lost the deposit. I told her that the money didnt bother me as i had lost something far more important in my life. I told her I wanted her to know I had bought the ring as its been on my shoulders since she left and that i didnt tell her at the time of the breakup as she felt guilty enough about leaving anyway. Commitment from me is what she always wanted and in recent months I have started to get really excited about marrying her and the thought of our own house. It was just pressure financially on me and she understands my feelings. Its been a case of bad timing but I am glad she now knows. Friends have been telling me to call her again maybe in a weeks time and ask her out for a coffee once she has had time to digest what I told her about the ring. Im not too sure as Im scared of her rejecting my invite. She is obviously talking to me and hasnt shunned or pushed me away. She is very confused about everything and the last thing I want to do is pressure her. I have no plans at all to talk about the past as thats been laid to rest. She knows how I feel and now knows about the ring. When she was still at the house she seemed confused and still did little things for me (cooked a couple of meals for me, found it very hard to leave on the last day). In our relationship we never had a big fight and people always looked at us and assumed we would be together for the long run. She left because of me not talking and seeming excited about the future which I fully accept (so please no comments about how stupid I had been as I know I was). Just need some thoughts on my next step please. Id love to try again with her but just dont know how to push forward as she hasnt told me its a bad idea to talk or not to contact her. When she was still at the house aftet the breakup her barriers were fully up. They now seem to have dropped a little but she is still vary of seeing me and getting too close. She told a mutual friend that she is scared that if she ever tried again then 5 years down the line things would still be the same. I reassured her it wouldnt because I want to make her the happiest girl in the world. Any thoughts..many thanks..Damion
Author MarkV Posted February 13, 2012 Author Posted February 13, 2012 Florescent,thank you for your posts. This is exactly how she feels I think. She is very confused and i dont want to make matters worse by contacting her. Iv done pretty well so far and she has told friends that she is really grateful for the space I am giving her. She always told me that she wanted her whole life with me. She went travelling last year for four months and she loved it. I supported and took care of everything whilst she was gone. I think she has always had a little bug to go again one day but she cannot financially make it happen. This is where I think she is confused about her life. She has told me she loves me and cares about me but that this is the best thing for her to do at the moment. Friends have asked if she has gone on any dates since she left and she has said 'no,thats not why she done this'. She knows I love her and I am willing to give her space. I believe this is the best way to show her that I respect and love her
Author MarkV Posted February 13, 2012 Author Posted February 13, 2012 Thank you again for your words,you are very thoughtful and not judgmental which is what i need so thank you. Iv tried to handle the situation with dignity and maturity to show her that I respect her choice. I know it cant be easy for her. I have been keeping myself as busy as possible,seen friends,family,bought some new clothes,haircut,organised my bday party etc. I wont contact her anymore as all my cards are now on the table in terms of future,feelings etc. The only thing that bothers me is the influence of other people. Her mother has a very old school approach of relationships (I have £23,000 saved since I was a teenager and her mum has even said to me 'if you love the girl why arent you willing to put all that down on a house??' All her friends are single mums (who were with idiots) and i know that they are in her ear. An example being that one of them was trying to set her up with a guy literally two days after she moved out!! None of my friends are doing that with me and I respect them for it. My ex girlfriends name is Georgia.
Sugarkane Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 One thing why didn't she have any savings to contribute? Maybe if she stays single a while, she'll see that it's not all rainbows and puppy dogs. There's alot of player and jerks out there. I can't understand why someone would be willing to throw something good away.
Author MarkV Posted February 13, 2012 Author Posted February 13, 2012 It's all down to her believing I was never going to take the next step with her. She now knows that I was due to me planning to propose. She has no savings and in 6 years I believe had never really tried due to her mum being in her ear because I earn more and have sav.ed so hard for my money. I was willing to buy a house but through a scheme where i could put down a smaller deposit. She just believes that I was never going to push forward and i can see it from her side but I felt under pressure. Iv supported her through everything. When she went travelling I paid £1400 of her rent because I knew it meant a lot for her to go. She has said she believes me when I say I want my whole life with her but she said its whether she can get her feelings back to where they were before
flitzanu Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 so you gave her the ring or showed her the ring you bought her?
Graceful Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 It's all down to her believing I was never going to take the next step with her. She now knows that I was due to me planning to propose. She has no savings and in 6 years I believe had never really tried due to her mum being in her ear because I earn more and have sav.ed so hard for my money. I was willing to buy a house but through a scheme where i could put down a smaller deposit. She just believes that I was never going to push forward and i can see it from her side but I felt under pressure. Iv supported her through everything. When she went travelling I paid £1400 of her rent because I knew it meant a lot for her to go. She has said she believes me when I say I want my whole life with her but she said its whether she can get her feelings back to where they were before Man, this scares the crap outta me and I don't know why it doesn't scare you, too. No savings? No income? No ambition? Her mother advised her that the way to handle her life was to get a man for a meal ticket and pay for a roof over her head. Nice mentoring. Spark is gone? Six years and you were still hesitant? Sounds like you're just in a rut or complacent with what you have, terrified to break off and find someone who is a more suitable match for you and who makes you feel excited about your future. Waitin' 6 years, count them, 6 years to get engaged, and still not feelin' it? You want to support someone who has never saved a dime in the 6 years you've known her? How do you plan to do your finances and what will happen if heaven forbid, you get divorced and she takes you for all you're worth since she is penniless? Of course you feel pressured. She's a parasite. I don't care how you feel about her, time to either cut this one loose, or walk her over to an employment agency, tell her to get a job, save some money, or the gig is up. You're out of your mind even considering marrying someone like this, and I don't mind telling you because you need to hear it. Cut her off financially and see how long she sticks around. That will tell you all you need to know. Wake up, buddy.
Recommended Posts