bethr Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 Hello, I am looking for mature advice please. I have been dating my bf for almost 3 years and we have been living together for over a year. We are both in our late 20's and have talked about getting married for a while. He is an amazing person and I love him very much. I always dreamed of marrying a man like him. Honestly, I would not change a thing about him as a person. I know that he is wanting to get married in about a year and half. I want to too. BUT...I have a few concerns. 1. I grew up riding horses competitively which is very expensive. It is, however, my passion (I cannot stress how important it is to me). I worked so hard to complete two university degree to ensure I could get a good, well paying job, so that this would be something I could return to after school. I want to get another horse ASAP (like with-in a year or two) but my bf (who is more down to earth than me) thinks I should be saving for a down payment or trying to pay off my student loans quicker. I feel like I may not get to return to my dream for many years especially cause we would want to have kids soon after the house/marriage thing if that all pans out...I don't know if this is selfish but I wish I had more control over what I did with my money. I mean I worked hard so I could do these things, and don't think that is wrong even if it's not totally practical. Keep in mind though, he drives a $40, 000+ car so it's not like he isn't having his little slice of luxury. He is supportive in the sense that he thinks it would be good "one day" but he doesn't have any hobbies so it's hard for him to understand why it's so important now. Side note: I do actually own a horse back home, but I cannot afford to bring it here cause of the cost of board, so he is currently being leased out... 2. I had to relocate about 4.5 hours away to be with him. For starters I actually HATE the city we live in (he does too) and we has no idea how long we will be here. He thinks only a couple more years, but even when he gets to move it'll still be (best case scenario) 3.5 hours from my family/longtime friends. I really miss them. Since we know we don't want to be in this exact town forever, and since I am still contract to contract, he doesn't want to buy a house. I understand the reasoning but I am also afraid to enter marriage when there is so much in limbo...like what if he does stay here? Side note: He is very driven and has had a lot of career success considering his age, so if would not be smart for him to quit and "move home" with me. 3. ...The worse part is that because our city is in such a low income area, my job is 10 times more stressful. I have wanted to quit so many days (correction: most days). In time ,that should get better, but in the past year, it's been VERY trying. I know that back home it would be so much less stressful and I also like the opportunities more too. When I do say I want to quit, he says "how will you buy a horse" which makes me think I should stay in it, but I may never get to buy one anyway so then am I doing all this for nothing anyway? Other than the horse thing, I want a pretty low-key life... He keeps telling me he doesn't know what the future will bring (and I know he is right). But since it is so unclear, I am having a really hard time entering marriage when I am not sure I will be happy if some things don't work out how I am hoping they do. HELP!!!
FrustratedStandards Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 From what I have read, it sounds like to me that you have made so many sacrifices for him, and he hasn't made any. What struck me the most was "how will you buy a horse". He is implying that YOU have to support your own hobbie, buy your OWN horses with your OWN money in a stressful job you hate. I know horses are expensive, but if you are going to marry a guy, his answer shouldn't be "how will you buy your horse" but more along the lines of "we will figure this out". I truthfully think that this isn't the guy for you. The fact that you are already having so many doubts mean that you are no where near being ready for marriage with this man in particular. I'm sorry to say but it sounds like he is trying to control you with his money. YOU had to move to where he is more comfortable, YOU have to support your own hobby, YOU have to be in a stressful job just for him. What exactly has he done? He puts a house, kids and marriage before he even puts YOU. For me the fact that he doesn't support what you truly love (horses) is enough for me to send him packing. If he doesn't support your beliefs, loves and dreams, how do you expect to make a life with him? I'm sorry but that's how I feel.
FrustratedStandards Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 I would like to add that these things don't make him a bad guy. Just not the guy for you. This hobby thing is really making a loud statement to me. He is being reasonable in saying that you could invest your money in paying off student fees or saving up for a down payment, and he isn't wrong to suggest that. But you have busted your ass for these horses, and if it truly makes you happy, he should be able to see that and support that. It sounds like he is trying to build a comfortable and stable financial situation. I mean, its not like HE is buying the horse for you. He is expecting you to pay every cent, so why is he so concerned in how you spend your money if it's for a good reason and for something that truly makes you happy? Ignoring everything I have said, if you don't feel deep down this is for you, then it isn't. The fact that you posted on an online forum should already say enough. He can be a great guy, but it doesn't mean he is for you.
kassy Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 I think there are some tough questions you two need to sit down and work out. 1) To be honest I can understand your boyfriends hesitancy at buying a horse... they are EXPENSIVE, and a lot of work. Now having never been to more than pony club, I might be a bit clueless here, but why can't you just hire the same horse from the local stables once or twice a week for a ride for the time being - so none of the big overhead costs of having a horse? Or is it that you want to compete and need your own horse? Is this a viable intermediate solution to make you a little happier? Also it seems clear that you two have not had a really good chat about how you will manage your finances going forward (might be wrong here that's just the impression I get). I can imagine he is likely concerned about the prospect of having two sets of student loans, a mortgage and kids to pay for in the near future. When the economic situation is like it is then that seems pretty fair. How about you work out how much you want to spend on a horse, and how much you would need on a monthly basis for it's upkeep and any other associated one off initial costs for the horse for a year (add wiggle room for unexpected vets bills!). So then you know your target. If you have 12 months of bills covered when you buy it, then that should make it less stressful for all. So then you two sit down together and work out a budget you are both feeling good about... how much of each pay check (joint or seperately?) are you both comfortable spending on things like 1) saving for the horse, 2) renting a horse from time to time 3) student loans 4) saving for a house 5) anything else big ticket like the wedding 6) a realistic monthing amount to spend on living and bills 7) how big your emergency savings should be and how much you will contribute a month until it gets there. 2) Talk about this. You need to work out a way to provide a light at the end of the tunnel. There must be things that you can both help the other feel more cofortable. Like you could look for somewhere else, not your previous home, but somewhere that you think you could be happy as well as providing him with carreer options, and make that a medium term goal... that sort of thing. 3) Ok you don't way what you guys do so it's hard to comment here. But really if it is a job that gets better with time then surely after a year it must be near the tipping point where it begins to improve? Maybe some pre-marriage counselling would be a good idea to help you guys think about and talk about all the big issues to help you get on the same page.
phineas Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 I don't understand how it's cheaper to buy a horse than have the one you own shipped to you. you still have to put a horse you buy somewhere regardless. So driving a horse you already own 5hrs has to be cheaper than buying a new one. Also, if you have kids horse thing is done for a while & you'll be renting the horse out again. Kids take up all your free time.
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