mortensorchid Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 I was having a chat with a married friend not too long ago. She and her husband are happily married with four children (two from her first marriage, and two together). I was telling her the other day about the man I've been with for the last six months or so, and she kept asking me "Is he THe One?". I said I was not sure about that. She said that when she met her second husband she just knew it was right. That got me thinking, and I was wondering what everyone else may or may not have thought on this one. I have encountered a few people in life who say "When you meet The One, you will just know." Has this happened to anyone? I mean, REALLY happened? Lust / sexual attraction is one thing, and I'm sure we have all felt that way about someone at some point when we meet them. But knowing that this is the person you will be with forever?! That seems ridiculous to me. Another friend of mine said "When it's been four or five years down the road, you are still together, and you still want to be together, then it's forever." I am from this school of thought, that seems the more practical and sensible. Those who I have encountered who went for the first seemed to jump into things too quickly. There is one couple I knew who this happened to, they were married and lived happily for almost fifty years (ending with her death). I have also heard others say "When I kissed him good night or shook his hand or saw him across the room I just knew this was it!" And it was. And then I encountered those who seemed to jump from partner to partner without the slightest concern, "just knowing" each time they meet a new person. What do others think really? I wouldn't accuse anyone of lying unless it was something blatent and foolish, but that seems so not practical to me. Does it and can it happen?
FrustratedStandards Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 I agree that it sounds like nonsense.
Mrlonelyone Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 You mention this woman is on husband 2. I wonder if she "just knew" about husband 1. The thing is when one is with someone they feel like "the one". Just how long that honeymoon last varies, could be as much as 7 years. It fades eventually. Personally, I have only really felt strongly for people I got to know for a while.
RecordProducer Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 (edited) They can know all they want, but time always tells. And time is nothing but what you said "building." What people mean by "I just knew" is I just like him so much, he was so cute, so my type, so funny and fun. That's just "now" - not "know." Even after 4-5 years you may not know what life brings. Knowing that someone is the one doesn't mean you will stay with them forever. I had a friend who dated a guy for 8-9 years and then her fiance dumped her for a rich girl. He was also cheating on her in the last 2-3 years of their relationship. It was really weird to hear their stories separately. So, I agree with you on the time building. Edited February 13, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
delilah123 Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 I met my guy at 15 and told all my friends I was going to marry him. He tried to kill himself before we started dating (but after we had become friends) and said in his note that he was sorry that we wouldn't get the ending he thought we both wanted. Which is sort of bitter sweet. When we finally got together we both described (and still do) as us being together/being "the one" is more of a fact than a feeling. Its hard to describe because that sounds clinical, but it is what it is and we both knew it'd be huge when we met. For the record it was our 4 years 2 weeks ago and I'm turning 22. So I'll let u all know if we don't get married and I was wrong
RecordProducer Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 I met my guy at 15 and told all my friends I was going to marry him. He tried to kill himself before we started dating (but after we had become friends) and said in his note that he was sorry that we wouldn't get the ending he thought we both wanted. Which is sort of bitter sweet. When we finally got together we both described (and still do) as us being together/being "the one" is more of a fact than a feeling. Its hard to describe because that sounds clinical, but it is what it is and we both knew it'd be huge when we met. For the record it was our 4 years 2 weeks ago and I'm turning 22. So I'll let u all know if we don't get married and I was wrong You can get married and you could still be wrong!
Emilia Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 I think a lot of people speak from hindsight through rose tinted glasses. I bet many of them get together when someone they had fancied more initially turned them down or other mundane situations like that.
kaylan Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 Real love takes time to form. Lust happens in an instant though, and the intensity of infatuation can sometimes make people confuse it with love.
Leigh 87 Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 THis is a topic which really interests me. When I met my boyfriend, one year ago, I had no idea how I felt. I did not ned a relationship, and it took my a long time to get to know him. We got along okay, but I did not know if he was the one, I did not immediately know that I was ' really into him. Fortunately, I held out, and fell comlpletely in love with him. Although I did not feel fireworks initially, when I LOOK BACK, I do sense a weird feeling; I sense there was something special. however, at the time, I honestly did not know if we would last long at all, if I was into him heaps, or he was into me, etc... We met online, and we had a good feeling about each other. I randomly piced him out of other uys I chatted to; guys who I actually thought I was more interested in than him. Luckily I met him before the rest, and it worked out:) I Just kept on seeing him. I di dnot know if he was the one at first, and it took a good while to get to know him fully; it took months to fall in love. Sometimes, the chemistry between two people in intense. The thing is; chemistry can BUILD. IMMEDIATE chemistry, also needs the two people to be suitable in other ways. I feel, that two people can LACK the " hot, passionate" chemistry to begin with, and the chemistry can grow into true love. Other times, the chemistry is there, which is where the " they are the one" feelimgs likely stems from; then, the two people are not suitable in other ways.
Leigh 87 Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 WIth us, our chemistry lacked at the beginning, and is only NOW building more and more and more....
ScienceGal Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 I can think of a few times when my guy told me I had found the one. Both times, my gut was wrong. None of those men were long term material. Moving forward, I'd rather use a little more logic in my decision making. I will entertain the idea that it can happen for some people, providing they both feel the same gut reaction at the same time. But, life ain't no fairy tale.
Eternal Sunshine Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 I just "knew" when I met my boss. He was and still is married with 3 kids. We never even kissed. So much for knowing :rolleyes:
ScienceGal Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 I can think of a few times when my guy told me I had found the one. Both times, my gut was wrong. None of those men were long term material. Moving forward, I'd rather use a little more logic in my decision making. I will entertain the idea that it can happen for some people, providing they both feel the same gut reaction at the same time. But, life ain't no fairy tale. When my "gut" told me, not my "guy!" haha!
Leigh 87 Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 My " gut" did not inform me initially; I did not KNOW the guy.... I guess I need to have KNOWN him well enough, in order to form a close bonde, and for us to both get to know one another. Now I KNOW I would LIKE it to work. We have a very strong love and I would very much like us to stay together. I do not have a thought as to " he is the one", however. I do not think of it in those terms. I would like, and DO THINK that it is POSSIBLE, for us to become so close, and get to the point where we absolutely want to stay together for a long TIME.. HOwever, people grow apart and change. You just never know, in my opinion. ALthough some people have a strong sense of meeting the one, and are right; where as I am sure there are people like me, who stay happily married a long time..?
tigressA Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 I thought my BF was 'it', as in "That's it, I don't have to go looking anymore" only a couple of weeks in (I don't really like the term 'the one'). A year later, I am less certain. When he calls me 'the one' I just smile and kiss him and tell him I love him. It took him awhile to come to the conclusion that I am apparently 'the one' for him.
Mme. Chaucer Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 I think this really depends upon the temperaments of the people involved. I am completely a "knower." I remember perfectly the very first time I met my ex husband. I had a feeling like a nickel dropped - like pieces in a puzzle were clicking together - like we knew each other. And, I was not even really attracted to him; I did not want to jump his bones, and he was married. (Off topic, but FYI - we were all part of the same big social group and were friends for years with NO impropriety of any kind, but after he & wife #1 divorced about 5 years later, we ended up together). And, my current husband - we "met" online and I felt like I "knew" when I read his hilarious and revealing writing, and saw his wry, sarcastic and wisely smiling eyes in the pictures. Of course, I took all of that with a giant mountain of grains of salt. But, that feeling never departed, we got together and 2 years later married. I have very close friends that I know well who do not function like this AT ALL, and who are in good relationships.
Author mortensorchid Posted February 13, 2012 Author Posted February 13, 2012 I just "knew" when I met my boss. He was and still is married with 3 kids. We never even kissed. So much for knowing :rolleyes: That's funny!
zengirl Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 I didn't "just know" immediately with hubby, but I felt like it pretty quick. What that "knowing" was for me was not at all like lust. . . it was like finding where I belonged. I thought it was crazy at first, but I definitely have felt the feeling your friend mentions. I don't think you feel it till you're ready to feel it AND with the right person, but I think it exists. I've been in relationships that seemed serious before and were, in their own ways, but none of them were completely dissonance free. With hubby. . . well, everything has always just made sense. We just knew.
Mme. Chaucer Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 My "knowing" was not lust either. I do believe that there are many successful couples who are firmly in the "time building" camp, too.
zengirl Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 My "knowing" was not lust either. I do believe that there are many successful couples who are firmly in the "time building" camp, too. Oh, totally. Not everyone knows at first---I think you have to know eventually to make the leap to total commitment (whatever that means to you) though. I just meant that I think the feeling is real, not that it's the only way to go.
Untouchable_Fire Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 What do others think really? I wouldn't accuse anyone of lying unless it was something blatent and foolish, but that seems so not practical to me. Does it and can it happen? Your friend is an idiot. I would bet money the last guy was also "The One". I grow very weary of people like this dispensing advice. It works for a very select few people because they pick someone fairly compatible and they BOTH have a strong commitment to the relationship. Those are the 0.1%.
spookie Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 I "knew" with such certainty about my ex, that 5 years later, I have still not let go of that "knowledge". The attrcation was instantaneous, the love was a choice I made in my heart early on, and it grew into something permanent and unconditional thru the years, even after we were no longer together. I think it totally depends on the people involved and their relationship, tho. Certainly, there are a lot of time-building couples out there. I wonder, tho, what the average/ max is for someone to know. Do u have to know as soon as u get to know someone well enough, or is knowing a decision that u make when u decide your relationship is good enough and you're willing to commit to it for the long haul?
Cypress25 Posted February 14, 2012 Posted February 14, 2012 You have to know a person before you know if he's The One. And it takes time to get to know someone, really get to know them inside and out, all the many facets of their personality. The first few months of a relationship is the honeymoon phase; everything seems perfect because both people are on their best behavior and they're infatuated with each other. If you decide during this period of time that you've found The One, you'll be in for a rude awakening when you start living together. Many naive people think they've found The One because they haven't seen their partner's bad side yet, so they come to the foolish conclusion that he doesn't have a bad side. Well, everyone has a bad side. It just takes time to reveal itself. I think you need to date someone for several years before deciding to spend the rest of your life with that person. That way, there won't be any horrible surprises after you get married, like "I didn't know you like to break windows when you're angry." Always better to find out about that stuff before you exchange vows.
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