DashedToBits Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 I'm so lost and confused... My husband and I have been married 13 years. I met him while I was on a study abroad trip to another country and we got engaged while I was there, then he came to live with me in the US a few months later. We married young (20) and had a child right away. Things went downhill quickly and never really recovered. I could sit here all night and list all of the hurt he has laid upon me and that he will deny until his dying day. I've lived off of the hope that comes with the tiny crumbs of love and affection he gives to me, for 13 years, and I am just ready for the pain to stop. My family and friends, and even people I don't know that well, wonder why I am still with him, and I really can't explain. He gives me nothing. He doesn;t even want to be here...he wants to move back to his home country. He hates our life together and literally sits in the same 3x3 spot on the couch when he's not working and stares at a screen of some sort. Our sex life is depressing...he acts like he's doing me a favor. Our home and children are cared for solely by me, although he does love our children and gives them plenty of attention. He says he hates our home. He has no friends, and his attitude is so sour that nobody really likes talking to him or being near him. I think I'm a good person and I have a lot to offer. I'm outgoing, friendly and generous. I'm intelligent and capable and talented. I'm an excellent mother and teacher. Yet he doesn't want to know me. There is no intimacy, no conversation unless it's about him, very little affection, no emotional support, no involvement in my life at all. He doesn't want to hear my stories or my opinions or my thoughts on anything. He doesn't want to know my family and my friends and he makes no effort to show interest in any of the things or the people I care about. I have worked so hard to build a loving relationship with his family, which has been very successful, yet he doesn't really want me to have any contact with them. Oftentimes, he behaves as though he is physically repulsed by me, and it hurts so bad. I worked full time until our son was born in 2007, at which point we decided I would stay at home, and eventually we pulled our daughter (now 12) out of school to homeschool...something I've always dreamed of doing for our children. I also work part time and contribute to the household finances in small ways...yet the first thing that comes up in an argument is how worthless I am. The most effective scene I can think of to demonstrate how pathetically desperate I am in this marriage is when my son was born. After the birth, he called his family to tell them all about it, and I heard him tell them that he guessed I did "ok". Then he left the hospital and didn't come back until the next evening. I will always remember nursing my newborn for the first time with tears just rolling down my cheeks because he wasn't there with us. Leaving the hospital the next day, there was no ceremony, just grunts of disapproval about everything I was doing. I was so heartbroken, but I kept it under wraps for five days and just tried to enjoy my new baby. On that fifth day, however, I reached out to him and he walked away. I followed him through the house crying and begging him to just love me. I needed him, and he refused to even look at me...and I had done absolutely nothing wrong, in fact I had just given birth to his child. This is how it always is...I try and try to just keep moving forward and be happy, but the second I ask something of him, he turns and walks away. I'm so tired of begging this man to love me. That said, I haven't been an angel in this marriage either. I am a bit naive when it comes to men, and I have gotten myself into situations (twice) where I accepted the attentions of other men because it felt so damn good after being neglected for so long. I have never had any physical relationships with other men, but I guess depite my best intentions, I have connected with other men emotionally, and my husband knows. For these things I am very sorry, which I have expressed to him. I also tend to get overwhelmed and I will have mini-breakdowns and throw fits that are embarrassing after the fact, but I am in counseling and I am working diligently on myself. He says he can't work on this marriage because I've always got one foot out the door. I say I've always got one foot out the door because he treats me so poorly. It's a vicious circle that I feel will never end. Even though I've been working on myself and making big changes, even though I try and try and try and TRY, our marriage continues along the same long path of destruction. I want to leave, but I can't rid myself of that last tiny shimmer of hope. Deep down, I think he does love me. He's just such a miserable person that he can't bring himself to show me, or to be a husband to me at all. But there is nothing I can do about that...he has to work on himself. He refuses. I'm just so......sad.
AtotheN Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 Key thing to focus on- you're sad, you need to focus on what will make you happy, and it doesn't sound like the last 13 years have done that. Love your children, focus on hobbies. Your my age, there is so much out there still. It is terrifying to start another life when you have focused for so long on something else, but in the long run, why waste anymore time on being unhappy? Take up walking or go to the gym, go kick boxing, do something that exerts your energy somewhere positive. It took me a long time to figure it out, but if you force yourself to be happy, by doing happy positive things, your life will be happy. It's really that simple, the hard part is believing that your own happiness is in your own hands, and not someone else's responsibility. Hope that helps
Author DashedToBits Posted February 13, 2012 Author Posted February 13, 2012 Thanks. The things I have done to try and work on myself include things like working on hobbies, going to the gym, etc., along with counseling. I feel happier in general, but he always does something to upset me. For example, on Friday I texted him after he had gone to work and said, "Hi! I feel so happy today...I hope you're having a good day too." He didn't write me back. Then when he came home, he announced he brought dessert home, but when i reached for something on the plate, he glared at me and said it was not for me. Then he just acted like a jerk, snapping at me about everything, until I couldn't take it anymore and I left the house to go drive around for three hours. The next morning, he came to me to apologize, and as soon as I opened my mouth to say how I felt, he turned and walked away from me and ignored me the rest of the day. Why? I just don't understand why he has to treat me this way.
AtotheN Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 Mostly, because he's an *******. Its only going to stop when you make it stop, and stop being concerned about how his life affects you. I can't emphasis more, your own happiness is in your own hands. Sometimes the best revenge is ridiculous happiness. Maybe a new hobby of yours should be look for an apartment, look for divorce lawyer, look for new life. I joke but I don't. You've got a long road, not going to lie about that, but you've got to start the process, and really its abuse. You are obviously broken, he has obviously shown you he doesn't care. Maybe instead of counseling you should seek out a support group for abused women. Maybe he never hit you, but its just as damaging, and well, if he has hit you, no question. Again, you you you, its a habit to want to integrate him in your life, but habits can be broken, and he has shown you that he isn't interested. And if that isn't enough, just think about the example this is giving to your children, showing them how people threat each other that 'love' each other. Break the cycle now, give them a positive role model to copy, because they learn from example. What example do you want them to follow?
Author DashedToBits Posted February 15, 2012 Author Posted February 15, 2012 Thanks again. I know what I need to do. It's just so hard. Thirteen years is such a long time, and I do still love him very much. I just want him to love me too.
PinkInTheLimo Posted February 15, 2012 Posted February 15, 2012 Life is short. You are young and these are the best years of your life. Do not spend another year on this man. Cut your losses, face reality, accept the facts. This man does not love you, never has. He probably loves no one. Not even his children. They are still young and since he is their daddy they adore him (as children normally do with their parents). But wait until they become independent, have an own opinion, are no longer mouldable. Will he still love them? Stop your suffering and draw a line under this relationship. Do it carefully, prepare it in silence. I am sure that this man will become even more horrible the day he knows you want to leave him. BTW, don't feel guilty about enjoying some attention from other men. Be grateful for it because it showed you that other men see you as a lovable being. I wonder if you have been emotionally abused as a child so that you were vulnerable to fall for a man who gives so little warmth.
Yasuandio Posted February 17, 2012 Posted February 17, 2012 You are receiving some very good advice here. My husband has an angry hostile personality around me too. Interestly enough, he can shift it in seconds when we are out, and he may happen to run into a customer. That is how I know he has complete control over his demeanor. There were times, few, but some, over the last 27 years, where his attitude seriously made me give up and visably withdraw. I can recall the pattern of how quick he suddenly changed his demeaned, became "nice" and concerned, actually, trying to look ME in the eye, when my head was slightly turned down as, at those points, I had given up. Basically - he would enter the "kiss a$$" syndrome, until he got me back into place. Then it started over. Believe me, you have more control over this than you think. Naturally your situation is complicated with children. But ask yourself if you want to live a life like this for 27 years like I did? Yes, I can say, the few good times, made me stay. But I so which I knew the power I had in the palm of my hand. I didn't get it until now. It's possible his behavior will get worse not better. The longer the marriage, the more difficult it is to extradite yourself, especially if you are not working. I understand fully the value of home schooling, but believe your children would be better served by a self sufficient mother, that has her career rock'in. I suggest you use this down time to get your credentials in order asap. I don't think your gonna be happy with the outcome here, if you can see the Forrest so clearly thru the trees already. Good luck, Yas
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