To tell or not to tell

[mickleb]

I say definitely tell her. If she takes his side over yours, that's awful, but it's her choice. I doubt, very much, that she will indefinitely. She may, at first, but the truth will out and you have evidence of his behaviour and your response to it.

 

You have nothing to hide so you must not be scared. I wouldn't put it past this guy to actually tell his wife the situation is the other way round, at some point. Don't be put into a defensive position. You are only doing what a good friend would do.

 

As painful as it will be for her, it's better that she knows the facts and is able to choose what to do with them. Don't be afraid of doing this, please. It's important that you face it.

[gaius]

Just repeating what I said before. Protect your friend. Dont allow her to get hurt. Thats what real friends would do.

 

Her husband can kick rocks.

If she's starting to avoid Pocahontas then she knows something is fishy already, and if she hasn't asked her directly then she doesn't want to know. I just lost a good friend because I told him the roof contractor he loved so much was a dirtbag that was ripping him off. After he found out I was right he stopped taking my calls and I haven't heard from him since. I should have just let him get continually scammed, people hate when you pop their fantasy bubbles.

[ShannonMI]

My best friend and I have been friends our whole life, We've been through practally everything together. She has been married for a little over 5 years now, and for the past few years I've felt like her husband had a thing for me. I try to ignore it because I dont want there to be any akward feelings. Many of times he has confided in me about things in there relationship, and I always tell him he should talk to her about it or seek councilling. He finds any reason to text me, he has invited me out when she has been out of town, which I have declined.... He has even told a mutual friend how he feels about me. A few weeks ago he invited me to Vegas with a few of his co-workers, no mention of my best friend, he said he wouldn't tell her and that it would be just between him and I, when I declined he proceded to ask if we could get together on the weekend for a few drinks, he just wanted to talk and have a few laughes, I declined again. It's starting to bother me, I hate keeping this from her but I feel if I don't tell her she'll be upset and our friendship will be ruined, but if I do tell her she'll be upset and I'll loose her as a friend. I feel as if it's a loose loose situation. Plus I'm sure she will stay with him regardless, she is a very private person and even though we are best friends she has never once talked about any marriage problems... Any advise?

Tell HIM he's a creeper and you feel VERY uncomfortable with his come ons. Tell HIM you will tell his wife if he continues with his disgusting behavior. What an @sshole:rolleyes:

[kaylan]

If she's starting to avoid Pocahontas then she knows something is fishy already, and if she hasn't asked her directly then she doesn't want to know. I just lost a good friend because I told him the roof contractor he loved so much was a dirtbag that was ripping him off. After he found out I was right he stopped taking my calls and I haven't heard from him since. I should have just let him get continually scammed, people hate when you pop their fantasy bubbles.

She hasnt asked her directly because shes prolly afriad that either her husband or friends have feelings for the other. Doesnt mean she doesnt want to know...just means its a bad situation to be in.

 

Just because your friend is stupid enough to turn his back on your does not mean OPs friend will do the same.

 

Most people would want their friends to protect them from harm though. Which is why I advocate OP telling her best friend whats going on. She has proof of the husbands bad behavior as well. If her friends decides to be blind to the truth, then so be it....but thats a better risk to take instead of being a tight lipped bad friend who could have prevented her paid.

 

That would blow up even worse imo. God forbid he cheats on his wife with someone else down the line and it blows up into a big drama. I couldnt see myself having an easy time forgiving a friend who stayed shut about a cheating spouse when they knew of their behavior long before I did.

 

My response would be "you knew all this time and you just let me live a lie and waste my life?....I thought you were my best friend?"

Edited February 13, 2012 by kaylan

[Daremo_06]

Those of you advocating telling her, remember this...

 

With knowledge comes responsibility and power.

 

You tell her, their relationship implodes, quite possibly destroys your friendship as well.

 

I would advocate what others have said and that is to tell him on no uncertain terms to stop it. Completely. If he is also a good friend, then I would tell him that if he is unhappy, that he should go find a therapist with his wife and figure out how to get back to being happy together OR end the relationship and then he is free to chase anyone he wants.

 

I would avoid telling her if you can because it puts YOU in the middle of the drama and that's the very last place you want to be.

 

I know it seems to be betraying your friend, but at the same time, you have to look out for yourself also.

 

Good luck!

[Ninjainpajamas]

Maybe you should ask the head reverend of whatever that guy is called at your church, I'm sure they know a lot more about marriage advice than the likes of us singles Plus if you're religious It can probably help you side with your conscious, whereas someone like me in this situation just looks out to avoid the drama so I'm kind of bias, and I know how women are which makes it even an easier decision for me not to tell...she's going to find out sooner or later Is my theory.

[veggirl]

OP, WHYYY haven't you told this guy if he continues contacting you etc that you will tell his wife? Tell him that! Tell him you have EVERY text, email, whatever he has sent you and that you will show his wife if he doesn't BACK OFF COMPLETELY.

 

I dont understand the people saying she shouldnt tell.

 

If my friend kept something from me like this, and allowed me to get hurt down the line later...then Id have a hard time staying friends with them. Cus chances are hes cheating on her now, or will eventually...but I do see their marriage blowing up. And a best friend wants to prevent the pain of their friend.

 

If my friend let me get hurt, itd be like they knew there was a fire in the building, but didnt warn me, even though im in my apartment and we are talking to one another on the cell phone.

 

I agree with all of this too. I do think you should tell the creeper hubby first, and if he backs off and complies, then I guess you could not tell your friend. Tell him that if it EVER happens again even ONCE you will go to his wife with all of it.

[Pocahontas36]

Thanks everyone! I have a lot to think about and I'm leaning towards telling her, if I lose our friendship then at least I'll be content with the fact that I was a loyal friend in the end

[Oxy Moronovich]

Are you serious?

 

Make up a fake boyfriend? What are we in grade 5?

This post made me LOL

Pocahontas, you will never lose your friendship just because her man hit on YOU. This has nothing to do with YOU.

This post made me Hmm

 

Frustrated, you obviously don't know female relationships. They are like paper. They can break apart easily. When a woman gets jealous of another woman, it's catfighting time. Then they'll do whatever they can to cut each other down no matter how long their friendship has been.

 

If Poca tells the wife about her husband's advances, the wife may or may not leave her man. However, the wife will feel resentful toward Poca because Poca managed to arouse attention away from the wife and toward herself. The wife will be jealous and never be able to be close to Poca again.

[FrustratedStandards]

This post made me LOL

 

This post made me Hmm

 

Frustrated, you obviously don't know female relationships. They are like paper. They can break apart easily. When a woman gets jealous of another woman, it's catfighting time. Then they'll do whatever they can to cut each other down no matter how long their friendship has been.

 

If Poca tells the wife about her husband's advances, the wife may or may not leave her man. However, the wife will feel resentful toward Poca because Poca managed to arouse attention away from the wife and toward herself. The wife will be jealous and never be able to be close to Poca again.

 

Then their friendship wasn't a genuine one to begin with. What you described is silliness, not friendship.

[Oxy Moronovich]

Then their friendship wasn't a genuine one to begin with. What you described is silliness, not friendship.

What I described are female relationships, dude. For women, it's all about backstabbing, insecurity, and jealousy.

[kaylan]

This post made me LOL

 

This post made me Hmm

 

Frustrated, you obviously don't know female relationships. They are like paper. They can break apart easily. When a woman gets jealous of another woman, it's catfighting time. Then they'll do whatever they can to cut each other down no matter how long their friendship has been.

 

If Poca tells the wife about her husband's advances, the wife may or may not leave her man. However, the wife will feel resentful toward Poca because Poca managed to arouse attention away from the wife and toward herself. The wife will be jealous and never be able to be close to Poca again.

You dont know if she will be resentful or not. It depends on the person, not whether the persons a man or woman.

 

Guys are really no better. Theres numerous threads online about a best bro having feelings for his buddies girl, or even making a move on her. Some guys dont give a crap about guy code if they can get their d!k wet.

 

I stopped being friends with such a guy back in December. I wont get into details, but he basically thought some skank was more important than our friendship.

 

What I described are female relationships, dude. For women, it's all about backstabbing, insecurity, and jealousy.

What you described was a crappy friendship in general, one that happens with men too. Some women value girl code as much as some dudes value bro code.

Edited February 14, 2012 by kaylan

[Almond_Joy]

What I described are female relationships, dude. For women, it's all about backstabbing, insecurity, and jealousy.

 

 

Please don't generalize all women based on your negative experiences/observations/whatever of female-to-female interactions.

[serial muse]

What you described was a crappy friendship in general, one that happens with men too. Some women value girl code as much as some dudes value bro code.

 

Truth.

 

What's amusing is that Frustrated is a woman...so she probably knows plenty about female friendships.

 

Anyway. I come down on the "tell her" side. I do understand that you're worried about losing or damaging the friendship, and that you don't want to be blamed for something that's not your fault.

 

But:

1. The friendship is already damaged, she's not inviting you to stuff like she used to.

2. That probably means you are getting blamed in some subtle way.

3. You are entitled to defend yourself.

4. You are entitled to a real friendship and to behave as a friend in the best way you know how.

 

It's entirely possible that she suspects something based on her husband's behavior alone - and the only way you can clear the air is to tell.

 

I'm not sure that you need to come right out with "your husband's a dog." She will probably not respond well to that; you've said she's a private person.

 

So perhaps the kindest thing to do is to open the door and give her an opportunity to walk through it. You can just start with something relatively gentle, like "it's hard for me to tell you this, but sometimes I feel uncomfortable with the way your husband acts toward me". And/or "I feel like the things he's said to me are disrespectful to you". I don't know. You know your friend best. But I would open that door at this point...she already has fears/suspicions, so the kindest thing to do is allay them, show her she's not going to be betrayed by TWO people.

[Tybalt]

I was the friend being cheated on by my now ex-husband, so I will address how I think I would have taken such news from that perspective. I can say that there was a period of time where deep down, I knew what he was doing, but the cost of losing my marriage was too high for me to fathom at the time and I accepted his fabrications and excuses until the evidence was in front of my face in his own words (I finally grew a pair and took it upon myself to take his phone and read the sexts he was exchanging with other women). I don't know that I could have assimilated that earth shattering reality before I was ready to face it. If he is a cad in this way, as others have stated, he is probably getting around with all sorts of women already, crossing boundaries right and left. What I would do is state to him that you've saved all his correspondence and he needs to discontinue saying anything to you that he wouldn't say in front of her. Then, I would completely ignore him and focus upon her. Ask her to do social activities without him as much as possible. Nurture the friendship with her and make it clear you prioritize and have loyalty toward her. Your relationship with her is what you care about, and you want to reinforce that as much as possible because she is going to need you.

 

Instinctually, even if she isn't ready to face what is happening, she is distancing herself from all "threats." Remove yourself completely as a threat. Do not text with him or communicate with him EVER unless she is present/privy to the exchange. If he approaches or texts privately after your warning do not respond. Give her the opportunity to see you as someone she can trust and confide in. When she does eventually face the reality, if and when she does, you will be there for her and that may be the time to go into more detail. And of course if she ever asks or it ever comes up, I'd tell her whatever she wants to know.

 

I remember a friend and one of my ex-husband's coworkers coming to me after the affairs were exposed and apologizing to me for not telling me sooner what everyone who worked with him already knew. I understood why no one did. And I forgave my friend easily because I really don't know how I would have reacted had the news been shoved confrontationally in my face before I was equipped to deal with it.

 

This is a very tenuous situation and there are many variables, including the possibility that he will attempt to divide the two of you to protect his "secrets" and push her loyalties toward him. I'm sorry you're in this position and there really is no easy answer. Much depends on her emotional makeup, her state of mind now, and the strength of her bond with you. It is a powder keg and the question is, who will ultimately light the match... Just let her know in every way you can that you care about her and are there for her no matter what.