Pocahontas36 Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 My best friend and I have been friends our whole life, We've been through practally everything together. She has been married for a little over 5 years now, and for the past few years I've felt like her husband had a thing for me. I try to ignore it because I dont want there to be any akward feelings. Many of times he has confided in me about things in there relationship, and I always tell him he should talk to her about it or seek councilling. He finds any reason to text me, he has invited me out when she has been out of town, which I have declined.... He has even told a mutual friend how he feels about me. A few weeks ago he invited me to Vegas with a few of his co-workers, no mention of my best friend, he said he wouldn't tell her and that it would be just between him and I, when I declined he proceded to ask if we could get together on the weekend for a few drinks, he just wanted to talk and have a few laughes, I declined again. It's starting to bother me, I hate keeping this from her but I feel if I don't tell her she'll be upset and our friendship will be ruined, but if I do tell her she'll be upset and I'll loose her as a friend. I feel as if it's a loose loose situation. Plus I'm sure she will stay with him regardless, she is a very private person and even though we are best friends she has never once talked about any marriage problems... Any advise?
norajane Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 Have you asked him to leave you alone or you'll tell his wife? I don't know what else to suggest. You're in a lose-lose situation. Ultimately, you have to go with your instincts on this one.
mesmerized Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 I think you have to tell her...If such a thing was happening to me and my friend didn't warn me about it, I would be very upset. Looks like this man will cheat on her sooner or later, I think she deserves to know this.
kaylan Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 Id say tell her. Thats what a loyal friend would do. And thats what I would do in your situation. You have to look out for your best friends interest. He WILL find someone else to mess around on her with if he hasnt already. You should clue her in so she doesnt get hurt and waste her life on such a scum bag. Hes a lowly man if hes willing to try and pull a fast one on his wife with her best friend. EDIT: Also keep the texts as proof...just in case he tries to pull the wool over her eyes and throw blame at you.
Janesays Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 Fact is, he wouldn't keep making advances if you weren't at least mildly receptive to them. Are you sure you're not enjoying the ego stroke here a little? If you honestly want nothing to do with this man, including the flattery, you'd say in your coolest no nonsense voice: "The way you're talking to me is entirely inappropriate. It needs to stop. Now. One more advance and I will be forced to tell your wife." Problem solved.
Stellar Wench Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 My best friend and I have been friends our whole life, We've been through practally everything together. She has been married for a little over 5 years now, and for the past few years I've felt like her husband had a thing for me. I try to ignore it because I dont want there to be any akward feelings. Many of times he has confided in me about things in there relationship, and I always tell him he should talk to her about it or seek councilling. He finds any reason to text me, he has invited me out when she has been out of town, which I have declined.... He has even told a mutual friend how he feels about me. A few weeks ago he invited me to Vegas with a few of his co-workers, no mention of my best friend, he said he wouldn't tell her and that it would be just between him and I, when I declined he proceded to ask if we could get together on the weekend for a few drinks, he just wanted to talk and have a few laughes, I declined again. It's starting to bother me, I hate keeping this from her but I feel if I don't tell her she'll be upset and our friendship will be ruined, but if I do tell her she'll be upset and I'll loose her as a friend. I feel as if it's a loose loose situation. Plus I'm sure she will stay with him regardless, she is a very private person and even though we are best friends she has never once talked about any marriage problems... Any advise?He sure doesn't think much of you if he thinks you're willing to screw around on your best friend. Tell him to go pound sand. Then, make sure the boundaries of what is acceptable and not acceptable to discuss is very clear. If he wouldn't discuss it in front of his wife, no discussing it with you.
chryssy83 Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 I say you tell her. It's what a good friend would do. Be prepared, though, for the strong likelihood that he will lie and try to make it your issue. And that she may choose to believe that because it's easier than saying goodbye to her marriage. Or that she may not even confront him and just blame you on her own. I totally had that happen to me (the guy wasn't pursuing me, he was cheating on my friend. With the girl he ultimately married.) But even if you lose her as a friend, you did the right thing. It's what you would want her to do if roles were reversed, right?
Author Pocahontas36 Posted February 13, 2012 Author Posted February 13, 2012 the reason why I try to keep it cool is we were friends before they started dating, and I didn't want it to be weird. @ Kaylan I keep each and every converation we have had over text messages, so there is proof of what he has said and what my response has been, his last few text to me I haven't even responded, because I'm just so over it.. In regards to my ego being stroked, not at all... I'm not attracted to him and I would never in a million years do that to a friend, she and I both knew what he was about before she married him, and she still decided too... The thing that gets me, is he has known me for over 7 years I don't have a reputation for cheating, I've never been with a married man, let alone mess around with one of my friends significant other, I'm not a flirtatious woman either.. so why would he think I would do that with him? If I tell her do you think our friendhip will be ruined?
Ninjainpajamas Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 (edited) The person who typically gets sacrificed in the end, isn't the person that cheated, but the person that they cheated with. Even though you have not cheated of course, you are still are the "other" person in this situation, being that they're married or even if they were in a long-term relationship. And no matter how right you are, or even whether you cheated with him or not you'll still going to be targeted in the same fashion, meaning you'll be excluded and black-listed because like we all know, chances are she's going to stay anyway. Therefore It is in my opinion not to tell her. Why? not because you aren't a good friend, you're a great friend obviously, but the cross-hairs will be targeted on you..deserving or not, you'll end up "source" of aggravation. I believe in marriages it is your responsibility, that is your deal...you made the vows to the other person that is between that person and yourself. I personally pretend I don't see anything, and I see guys do a lot of **** but I'm not going to go banging on the door calling them out...It's not my problem. I'd do what I could and avoid this guy as much as possible and completely ignore his texts or messages about hanging out, and If he persisted I would shut it down and make it clear that you are not interested in hanging out without his wife around. If this guy is as bold as he is hitting on you, then I'm sure he's already cheated and has some dirt on him already...and chances are she suspects something but doesn't want to notice it. You don't know what goes on in their marriage, I've even seen situations where the man or woman is aware of this and just turns a blind-eye to it and tries to believe the best so hell no I'm not going to be apart of that. Keep your relationship between your friend and yourself, If it weighs that much on your conscience you can tell yourself, but that's the point of no return, and now you just made yourself a big target for their personal woes and marital issues...not the person I'd want to be. When men cheat they don't just specifically go after one target of interest, they typically will cheat regardless....they've already made the decision mentally to take it further than they are supposed to....so you're just one fish in his little bowl that he targets, let another fish get taken out of the bowl and be the target so you can still have your friendship. Edited February 13, 2012 by Ninjainpajamas
soserious1 Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 You tell this guy flat out that if he sends you one more inappropriate text or makes one more inappropriate comment to you that you will take your phone & his wife to a nice lunch & expose him. Your voice tone needs to be low but steely, no backing down, this guy needs to get the message loud & clear that you aren't interested & are offended by his behavior. When you tell him this, also tell him that at social functions where he is present with your friend, he is to leave you alone, he greets you just like any normal husband of a friend then goes off to his den while you women enjoy girl time. Putting him on ice permanently is probably going to be the only way to preserve the relationship with your girlfriend. Think about it, if you tell her, even if she totally believes you & doesn't blame you, it will always be a "thing" an uncomfortable, painful thing hanging in the air whenever you see each other. I'm betting if you put it to him firmly & coldly he'll back right off. Btw, I'd also make it a point to try to see your friend alone, without her hubby
FitChick Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 Stay out of it because you will lose your friend who will blame you. You can warn the man one more time and then avoid him at all costs. Only see her on her own for girls night out or similar things. Admit that you know nothing. Maybe because you aren't dating anyone this guy thinks he has a shot. Make up a fake boyfriend if you have to!
mortensorchid Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 Honestly, the best thing to do is say to him that you find the behaviors uncomfortable and that you do not wish to be subjected to them. If he asks why, tell him that you are reading it the way you are. If he says "Oh no that's not what I intended", maybe he was just clueless. If he gets angry at you, get out. It will cost you a friend (his wife), but you don't want to get involved in this mess. Chances are if it was not you, it would be someone else put in your position.
kaylan Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 (edited) I dont understand the people saying she shouldnt tell. If my friend kept something from me like this, and allowed me to get hurt down the line later...then Id have a hard time staying friends with them. Cus chances are hes cheating on her now, or will eventually...but I do see their marriage blowing up. And a best friend wants to prevent the pain of their friend. If my friend let me get hurt, itd be like they knew there was a fire in the building, but didnt warn me, even though im in my apartment and we are talking to one another on the cell phone. Edited February 13, 2012 by kaylan
FrustratedStandards Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 Are you kidding me? I can't believe you've already kept it from her for this long. So much for a best friend. She should have known the moment you became suspicious.
FrustratedStandards Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 Stay out of it because you will lose your friend who will blame you. You can warn the man one more time and then avoid him at all costs. Only see her on her own for girls night out or similar things. Admit that you know nothing. Maybe because you aren't dating anyone this guy thinks he has a shot. Make up a fake boyfriend if you have to! Are you serious? Make up a fake boyfriend? What are we in grade 5?
Author Pocahontas36 Posted February 13, 2012 Author Posted February 13, 2012 ok I'm really confused now, my reasoning for not telling her sooner has nothing to do with what kind of friend I am, I just didn't want to get involved.... She know's I am extremely loyal and would never be with someone elses man. I'm just torn our parents knew each other before they even had us, our friendship is 36 years long and to lose it would be heart breaking.. I think she might suspect something because she never invites me out socially anymore, which is fine with me because I try to avoid him at all cost. This past weekend we were both invited to a party and I ended up not showing, He text me last night asking why I was m.i.a. I ignored it
FrustratedStandards Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 Pocahontas, you will never lose your friendship just because her man hit on YOU. This has nothing to do with YOU. You've already noticed she doesn't even invite you out socially anymore, so clearly your not telling her have already had negative impacts. It's not your fault you are liked. Her marriage will turn into an insecure one because now she will avoid women she thinks he might like rather than facing him. You are supporting her insecurity. I really think you should tell her and I promise you both will be better for it. If she will blame YOU for what's happening, then she was never really a friend anyway. The more you continue to hide this from her, the more you are feeding her suspicion and her growing lack of trust in you. One day she might not even talk to you at all. You should come clean and tell her everything. Tell her the reason you haven't told her in so long is because of what you told the rest of us. I promise she will appreciate you more for it.
Author Pocahontas36 Posted February 13, 2012 Author Posted February 13, 2012 I don't mean this to be hurful and I would never wish her pain, but I wish she would catch him cheating or conversing with other women, so she could just get rid of him, but then again thats not a guarantee... Maybe I'll tell her before I leave for 2 weeks to London and France or would that be to chicken ****?
FrustratedStandards Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 I don't understand why you're so scared to tell her? I'm guessing either you acted on it and feel guilty, or you like her husband and don't want to rat him out? There is obviously something keeping you from telling her. What is it? You can be honest on here. We're here to help.
Author Pocahontas36 Posted February 13, 2012 Author Posted February 13, 2012 I'm being completley honest, never acted on it, I'm not attracted to him at all!! I have morals.. It's not that I'm scarred I just not looking foward to the aftermath... We work together I see her 5 days a week, we go to the same church so I will see both of them there, our familys our close... It's just more complicated
TheFinalWord Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 I feel sorry for you. In the end I think you will have to tell her. Mainly because this man is not being faithful to your best friend. He is also disrespecting you by continuing to push the issue. This is an issue that will have to be brought up to the surface eventually. Have you talked to any family members about this? I would confide in someone like your parents. The dynamics of this sound too complicated for us to fully understand over an internet forum.
ascendotum Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 This guy's a bit stupid or has a major hard-on for you, to be hitting on his wife's best friend, not just once, but a number of times, even after getting rebuffed each time. You knocked him back on vegas and the cheeky sod immediatley comes back with an alternate weekend drinks seesion. He aint getting the message from you that's for sure, so you need to be bit more forceful on letting him know with no abmiguity, that spending time behind his wife's back with you when he admitted having the hots for you, is not on. It is a lose lose situation. Its possible that it may ruin your friendship, even though you have done no wrong, I have heard about friendships being ruined when the friend doesnt want to face reality and instead believes their partner's bs, and turns on the friend, as the OW or as the 'sh*t stirrer...at least you have evidence...though not of cheating just inappropriate behaviour at this stage. Definitely tell her husband to back off (though its a good chance he is likely to switch his focus to some other woman). If you want maybe you could drop him in it, by bringing up the Vegas trip next time you are over at their place, and say sorry again how you couldn't make it, and see if your friend takes the bait.
Almond_Joy Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 I'm being completley honest, never acted on it, I'm not attracted to him at all!! I have morals.. It's not that I'm scarred I just not looking foward to the aftermath... We work together I see her 5 days a week, we go to the same church so I will see both of them there, our familys our close... It's just more complicated You said that she's already started avoiding you. If you don't tell her the avoidance will just get worse, and you'll still have this secret hanging over your head. At least if you tell her, you'll be alleviated of the worry of whether or not to tell her. What she decides to do with that information is her business. I agree with Kaylan that if you consider her to be one of your best friends, you should tell her. You obviously feel like that's the right thing to do or you wouldn't be uncomfortable with the situation and debating whether or not to say anything. And his flirting does involve you directly because it is damaging your friendship. The way I see it, you're not kicking dirt around their marriage. You're trying to protect your friend and your friendship. You're going to have an uncomfortable situation on your hands whether you tell her or not. Not saying anything isn't going to stop that from happening. It would make things a lot less complicated for you if you just tell her.
gaius Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 Knowing people if you told her she would probably end up getting rid of you and keeping the sneaky husband. I would recommend next time he invites you somewhere you tell him to knock it off and threaten to tell the wife if he continues. Your friend probably knows on some level already anyways. So be kind and let her live in her fantasy land unless she directly asks you.
kaylan Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 I dont understand the people saying she shouldnt tell. If my friend kept something from me like this, and allowed me to get hurt down the line later...then Id have a hard time staying friends with them. Cus chances are hes cheating on her now, or will eventually...but I do see their marriage blowing up. And a best friend wants to prevent the pain of their friend. If my friend let me get hurt, itd be like they knew there was a fire in the building, but didnt warn me, even though im in my apartment and we are talking to one another on the cell phone. Just repeating what I said before. Protect your friend. Dont allow her to get hurt. Thats what real friends would do. Her husband can kick rocks.
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