adegraw222 Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 Two years ago, I met James. He is a traveling magazine salesman, meaning he sells magazines door to door, state to state. When I met him I immediately fell inlove with him. Everything was going great until he decided two weeks into our relationship he was going to go back on the road. This happened numerous times, and each time I would be completely deveasted because time and time again he would say he was done with that and going to get a real job. Each time I would believe him. He met my parents once, they automatically judged him based on his tattoos. Saying he didnt sell magazines he sold drugs. It didnt help that everytime he left, I would fill them in on everything he ever told me, including the fact that he did drugs, and had a warrant out for his arrest. They hated him instantly. Anyway, James and I have been through alot together. I love him with all of my heart despite what he has put me through. James has a habit of when he doesnt get his way he calls me horrible names, and starts with his comments about my family, or threatens to leave again. Recently, I found myself jobless, homeless with my three year old son. My family refused to help in anyway. I told James and he came back home and told me he was done selling magazines and was going to finally settle down and be with me. I was thrilled...after all this is all I wanted for the past 2 years! I even had my IUD removed in hopes I would have a baby. Since I didnt have an apt, we were living in hotels, and with some of his family. Since his mother hates me with a passion. Anyway, my family basically disowned me since I was with him, I dealt with nasty conversations between him and my mom, and felt as if I was in the middle, and had to choose. I was not allowed to see my family at all because I heard negative things about him. James and I fight alot, over stupid stuff mainly. And he hurts me by calling me horrible names and says hes going to leave, and often does. One night in the hotel room, we were fighting over facebook and a girl that left a comment on his page, he said he had enough and was leaving. I was enraged and yes I do have a bad temper...and slapped him in the face. He hit me 3 times in the face. I was so upset and didnt expect it because this is unusal and has never happened. We talked it over and decided to work it out. 3 weeks later, yet another hotel room... he told me he was going to his moms and needed my car (he does not have a license it was suspended) and he had been drinking, actually a whole bottle of vodka. He said he would be back by 12:30am 2 hours. Instead of fighting I always let him have his way. I said okay take my phone so I dont worry. A nervous wreck I waited up for him. An hour later, he showed up. And I could tell he was messed up. He had a bag of coke in his hands. And it was obvious he had been doing lines earlier. He began telling me about how two girls wanted him to stay where he was and stuff I didnt need to hear. I told him to get rid of the coke. We fought for about 15 minutes...waking up my son. I tried to get the coke from his hands, and it fell on the floor. That resulted into him punching me violantely in the face, and my son watching. I begged him to stop, as I noticed a large amount of blood, and began choking on it. Two hours later, I found myself in the ER, coming up with a completely different story about the incident saying I fell down the stairs, Doctors didnt believe me and kept asking me if someone hit me, I denied it. A catscan was done, and my injuries were a broken nose, 2 black eyes that bulged, sprained wrist, and severe concusion. We decided to work it out, I was scared. Anyway my family found out about it and wanted to play superman and get him away from me, mom threated him with the cops and since he had a warrant he left. Now I find myself extremly depessed and wanting him back, because I love him. We have talked. Hes staying with his sister... I dont know what to do. My family says if I get back with him I lose my family. Again im being forced to chose, and I can not see myself without him in my life, as disturbing as that may seem. Someone please help me...and I dont need a lecture!! [COLOR=#0068cf][/COLOR]
EgoJoe Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 You were on the bad side of an addict's rage. You need to listen to your family now.
Dark Phoenix Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 Your head is not on straight darling, family or some guy that beat the **** out of you. All the other things I could list from your words would tell any not only normal person, but even a iced out hooker to run! I understand your emotional attachment to this but at the same time, you do not have any sort of attachment to yourself. You have to take care and have love of yourself first before you are able to take care and love others. If you have ever flown, when they do the safety announcement, they say in the case of oxygen mask deployment, always put the mask on yourself first before trying to help others. You need to be able to survive first, to be able to help others survive. Right now you are not!
Pocahontas36 Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 Do you think it's normal for a man to hit a woman? First off you need to get your priorities in order, starting with your son. Drugs around a 3 year old is unexceptable and your lucky he hasn't been takin away from you... Value yourself more
RecordProducer Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 (edited) I think James is a nice guy and I don't see that he did anything wrong. You, on the other hand, deserve to be beaten in front of your son. Is that what you wanted to hear? You plan on having a baby with a guy who has an arrest warrant?!?! What is it with gheto women and having a baby from every man they sleep with? You have no place to go, you have a small child, you have no job, no money, and you want to put your life and the life of your poor child under the wheels of this violent, abusive criminal? What happened to your child's fatrher? I bet he abused you, too. You know he's not selling magazines. You know where the money is coming from: crime. When he goes to prison (it's only a matter of time when he gets arrested), you'll be in the street. Your family doesn't want you in their house because you'll bring trouble with your James. You know you should leave him, but you won't do it because you're stupid. "I love him with all my heart." If you loved yourself with your fingernail, you would ditch this garbage and file a PFA against him. You have the power to break the pattern of depending emotionally and financially on abusive men who punch you and call you names. You have the power to raise your child in a healthy environment and be a good mom. You say he punched you in front of your kid like it's something bad - if you know it'sbad, how can you even ask the question: stay or start over??? Him being a savage is bad once, but you allowing that savage tostay around your child and traumatize him makes YOU a mother who is screwing up her child. Change your attitude about what it means to be a woman and a mother, get a job, and live a decent life. You can get training or acquire a skill by working, you don't have to go to school. Find a decent man who will respect you and your child. your lucky he hasn't been takin away from you... This is a joke, right? She doesn't have a pot to piss in - he is supporting her! Edited February 13, 2012 by RecordProducer
geegirl Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 (edited) I'm disturbed by the fact that you see it fit to bring a child into your world of verbal abuse, drugs, instability and most of all violence. Having a child doesn't turn a man into a great husband and a father. Hoping for a happy family doesn't change the fact that there is nothing happy or healthy about what you have with him, and there will never be. Your sense of what is right and wrong is completely skewed. I don't blame your family for playing "superman" as they are very concerned about your safety, and most of all the safety and emotional/mental health of your little child. You are clearly oblivious to the effects of what this type of environment can do to his young mind because you are consumed by your own feelings. I mean this in the most compassionate tone but if you love your child enough, you will protect him from this destructive life. Your family is not the enemy here. Your ex is and if you realized the true meaning of what love is then you will understand that what they're doing is out of love and what your ex is doing is of the complete opposite. Love nurtures and nourishes your life. It does not strip you of your sense of self, value and dignity. You can't see yourself without someone that abuses you? Think very carefully of this statement. I know you are emotionally in pain but try to step out of yourself and think. Also, understand that your child at some point will be a product of abuse because I don't believe your ex's violence will stop with you. If you don't value yourself at least value the life of your son and provide him with a loving, caring and supportive environment. Believe you me, a child that grows up in an abusive environment, will pay as an adult. Think about what your priorities are. Stop confusing love with a toxic attachment. And try to step out of yourself for awhile and also consider how you are affecting those that truly love you and care for you. You don't value yourself and most likely believe that this is all you are deserving. We can't all be wrong, and neither is your family. You need to remove yourself from this situation and I know it's hard when you love someone but sometimes "love" is just not enough. Edited February 13, 2012 by geegirl
geegirl Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 (edited) "A catscan was done, and my injuries were a broken nose, 2 black eyes that bulged, sprained wrist, and severe concusion." What message are you sending your son when he sees you in this condition? What are you teaching him when he learns by example that it is okay for a man to inflict physical abuse on a woman without repercussion? What sort of trauma are you inflicting on him when he is constantly living in fear? Can you step outside of yourself and think of what you are doing rather than falling blindly into "love"? Having experienced physical and verbal abuse as a child into my twenties and seeing my mother go through horrific violence, your post is really getting to me and it's becoming personal. I'm sorry if I am harsh with you. What concerns me the most is the lasting psychological effects of what this will do to your son, as a child and into his adulthood. My heart goes out to him. Edited February 13, 2012 by geegirl
leannesagoodman Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 This sounds really really difficult. I know how it feels to love someone but for them to hurt you. It's hard to see a way out. I'm not going to advise you on which way to go because that's your choice, and obviously you're in the situation. But if you're going to stay with him, somehow, some things have to change. He can't keep doing this to you. It's hard to say no or to rebel against what the person you love most in the world does, but this can't carry on - you and your son deserve better than this. Love hurts, but it shouldn't hurt as much as he's hurt you. That said, if you love him, then you love him, and nothing's going to change that. I suspect he could do a lot wrong and you'd still want him - I know how that feels. So I guess it's a case of weighing up how much you love him and how much he's hurt you, which I know is a difficult thing to do.
Author adegraw222 Posted February 13, 2012 Author Posted February 13, 2012 first of all record producer... I suppose I should have added. I AM THE ONE SUPPORTING US! I recieve 2000 a month from unemployment and childsupport. So no, he is not selling drugs...I support us. And thank you for you're replies. We are still not together, hes in Manhattan and Im with my parents. We talk several times a day, and I am still confused as ever. Tomorrow I plan on going for counseling. I have been dealing with depression since I was 12 years old, I am now 25. No I was not abused as a child. But my father and I never got along, and three months after my son was born, my father was aressted for beating me up. I have been looking for apartments, as I am 85% sure we can work this out, we work everything else out.
geegirl Posted February 14, 2012 Posted February 14, 2012 (edited) I have been looking for apartments, as I am 85% sure we can work this out, we work everything else out. Complete and utter denial. Just when a battered woman gets her teeth knocked out and she'll smile and say, "It's nothing. Really. He does love me." Your father gets arrested for beating you up but you deny it when your boyfriend beats the crap out of you. You actually defend him! It will work out 85% based on the skewed sense of reality that you are in. Nothing about your post notes that you had things worked/working out. Read it again. I hope counseling knocks some sense into you. Edited February 14, 2012 by geegirl
Zahara Posted February 14, 2012 Posted February 14, 2012 (edited) I AM THE ONE SUPPORTING US! I recieve 2000 a month from unemployment and childsupport. So no, he is not selling drugs...I support us. What a prize! He's not selling drugs? And I'm sure next you'll believe that someone is forcing him to use. He carries a bag of coke and you believe he just uses without selling. Selling or using, you need to wake up. Edited February 14, 2012 by Zahara
Author adegraw222 Posted February 14, 2012 Author Posted February 14, 2012 i know for a fact he doesnt sell them. Again I never said he was perfect. I guess my intent for this posting was to see if other girls were in my shoes...and what they were doing. Not to have some of you try to put me down, until you walk in my shoes you have no reason to judge me!
geegirl Posted February 14, 2012 Posted February 14, 2012 (edited) i know for a fact he doesnt sell them. Again I never said he was perfect. I guess my intent for this posting was to see if other girls were in my shoes...and what they were doing. Not to have some of you try to put me down, until you walk in my shoes you have no reason to judge me! If you had any maturity you will read the advice given and open your mind and realize that posters are trying to make you see the reality of what you are facing. We don't have to be in your shoes to see how clearly destructive this man is going to be for you and your son. You feel you are being judged because you don't like what is being said and it doesn't coincide with your skewed sense of reality. In your initial post you noted that you didn't need to be lectured. You wanted posters to coddle you and support your bad choices. Grow up. Edited February 14, 2012 by geegirl
Author adegraw222 Posted February 14, 2012 Author Posted February 14, 2012 Geegirl I would love to know how old you were and if you had any children! You wouldnt be able to handle half of the **** I have been through in my life... that I can promise!
geegirl Posted February 14, 2012 Posted February 14, 2012 (edited) Geegirl I would love to know how old you were and if you had any children! You wouldnt be able to handle half of the **** I have been through in my life... that I can promise! I was physically and verbally abused from the time I was 7 till I was 21. My father was a raging alcoholic that at several times during those years nearly killed me with his abuse. He stopped hitting me when I was 21 when I threatened I would kill him in his sleep when he was beating the **** out of my mother and I one day. Let's not even talk about all the psychological damage that I went through that caused me to make consistently bad choices in my life. I don't have to have children to understand what a child goes through when involved in an abusive environment and a delusional parent. And I know where you are headed because my mother made the same choices you are making now. Don't question my life when you're half my age and speak more or less like a spoiled child pretending to be an adult that's trying to raise a child. Don't talk about handling half of what you experienced in your life. Spare me. Seek counseling and I wish you all the best. As I said, the only person I have empathy for is your son. I truly know the type of life he will endure when his only choice is to be raised by a violent drug addict and a mother that is young and delusional. Edited February 14, 2012 by geegirl
geegirl Posted February 14, 2012 Posted February 14, 2012 And this isn't about comparing whose life was worst off but about you making smart choices for you and your child. It's about you having an open mind when taking in all the advice given. It's about you putting your child first, above your emotions. You just can't stand to be told that your choices are bad. At the end of the day, all those that have responded and your parents cannot be wrong. You believe we are wrong because you're thinking with your heart. If your sister or your best girlfriend was being treated this way, there wouldn't be a shadow of a doubt that your concern and care would be anything different than what you've heard and received here.
RecordProducer Posted February 15, 2012 Posted February 15, 2012 I AM THE ONE SUPPORTING US! I recieve 2000 a month from unemployment and childsupport. OMG! So, you're supporting that garbage and he is beating you and calling you names???? :confused: And you love him "with all your heart"? Sorry, but you're a lost cause. Poor your kid. $2000 in unemployment and child support. The UC won't last forever, you know...
Author adegraw222 Posted February 15, 2012 Author Posted February 15, 2012 I have been doing alot of thinking, and I am not completely sane at this moment, yes I love James with all of my heart, but right now I am not in the right mind set. I can barely think, function, eat, sleep. Im beyond depressed. Yesterday being valentines day wasnt any help. Again like an idiot I sent him money to come home so I can be with him for valentines day. He never showed up. Around 9:30pm he called to tell me to go f myself, and that he was going back on the road, and told me to move on with my life. I sat there for a moment hysterical... contenplating suicide. And wondering how I could ever move on with my life without him. But I decided that I dont need this. That I dont want my whole life going back and forth wondering if I make him mad if he will hit me again. So today marks the start of the new me... Right now Im weak...but I need to get stronger, and forget about him, and what he did to me. Hopefully the love fades... and the feelings go away but I doubt it.... but one thing for sure is he will never hit me again!
geegirl Posted February 15, 2012 Posted February 15, 2012 I have been doing alot of thinking, and I am not completely sane at this moment, yes I love James with all of my heart, but right now I am not in the right mind set. I can barely think, function, eat, sleep. Im beyond depressed. Yesterday being valentines day wasnt any help. Again like an idiot I sent him money to come home so I can be with him for valentines day. He never showed up. Around 9:30pm he called to tell me to go f myself, and that he was going back on the road, and told me to move on with my life. I sat there for a moment hysterical... contenplating suicide. And wondering how I could ever move on with my life without him. But I decided that I dont need this. That I dont want my whole life going back and forth wondering if I make him mad if he will hit me again. So today marks the start of the new me... Right now Im weak...but I need to get stronger, and forget about him, and what he did to me. Hopefully the love fades... and the feelings go away but I doubt it.... but one thing for sure is he will never hit me again! It's understandable you are weak. When you are emotional, all sense goes out the window. And the bad part about love, it doesn't keep the jerks out. While he may be a very bad influence in your life and your son's life, when you love someone, you love someone. Contemplating suicide? Ending your life for a man that has 1) no ambition 2) is a drug addict 3) is physically violent 4) is verbally abusive 5) has no financial stability 6) has no job. IHe is so wonderful, enough to sacrifice your life for, just don't forget you have a little man that loves his mom unconditionally, that needs her to be strong for him. This man is just not worth it. One day you will look back and realize he was just a stepping stone and one that taught you a great lesson. You feel sadness and that is normal. You will grieve the loss of him. The emotions you feel is what we all feel when we suffer a loss. I can safely say that when you have let time pass and you've spent the time improving yourself, you will look back on this and realize that you dodged a bomb, not a bullet, but a bomb and you will be very grateful. But... You need to work on learning how to value yourself and improve you. Get a job, go back to school, learn a trade, keep at your counselling, if you have a passion or hobby then cultivate it, read self help books, check your local community for activities and surround yourself with healthy minded people, etc. Rebuilding your self-esteem doesn't come with just removing yourself from a bad situation. You have to work at filling the void inside you.
Author adegraw222 Posted February 16, 2012 Author Posted February 16, 2012 Tonight was the first night I have really gone out since everything happened. I went to dinner with a friend. It helped a little. I am considering taking self defense classes. I am ready to start moving on with my life. I am aware that its going to be a slow process because of all of the pain and hurt I am carrying around with me. Next week I plan on seeing a psychologist, still apartment shopping, just wish I could get rid of this pain i feel inside of me. Keep sitting here wondering where he is and why he hasnt bothered to call me. except to call me last night to tell me to move on and to go f myself. I dont understand why he is the way he is, prob never wt ill know. He had a great girl that would do anything for him, and i mean anything even if it ment I would be going without and yes several times I have. I love him so much and thats the part that hurts. Because I always knew he couldnt possibly love me as much as I did him, if he did he would have hit me, of left a couple of hundred times. or even thought about calling me the names he has. I wonder if hes thinking about me, chances are hes not. So I wish I understood why Im the dumb one sitting here waiting for my phone to ring and to hear his voice. I must really be that mentally unstable to want to even hear from him after all he did. i cant understand that. But I do know that something is not right with me, I can not focus, can not sleep, and I almost feel like someone else is in my body and im watching their life. Or I feel like I am in a daze. How could I be so stupid to want to be with someone that treats me so poorly? I am obviously ill....
fallenenvy Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 :-( You will move on with time.. Yes there will be some days where you want to call him.. see him.. you may even break down and do it.. but it's normal.. at least it was for me. I dated a man that verbally and physically abused me.... he broke my self esteem and isolated me from everyone i'd ever cared about. When i got strong and broke free.... it was so hard for the first few days.. then slowly (very slowly mind you) got easier and easier.. Everyday i woke up the pain was less and less.. till i realized... OMG WHAT A SON OF A BITCH! from there i havn't looked back.. havn't missed him.. i wouldn't piss on him if he were on fire. If you can stay strong and not contact him you will get better much faster believe me. I did it for myself.. but for you.. you have a child so if nothing else you need to take care of him...... he should be #1. keep busy.. take care of your kid.. the keeping busy helps a lot. you said you went out with a friend.. doing stuff like that helps even if you don't feel it right away... TRUST ME.. one day you'll look back like i did and wonder why you ever subjected yourself to such a rotten man... Good luck to you.
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