How many of you break up over this??

[Jono85]

I think breaking up was a wise decision. It's clear that neither of you were really in a position to be in a trusting and committed relationship, and it takes guts to face that truth.

 

Considering that you say you're a bit of a commitment-phobe, I hope you'll take some time to deal with this before jumping back into a relationship with someone. We're all a little hesitant to give our hearts away and it's never good to commit to someone you have strong doubts about, but commitment phobia can really hurt people.

 

When you tell someone you love them, and they don't respond in kind, it can create distance. You mentioned before that the reason you snooped in her computer was because you felt she was being distant. Has it occurred to you that that may be why she first snooped in your computer? And what did she find? Sexy pictures of your exes.

 

So it may be that the distance that was created in your relationship wasn't entirely her fault. And it's also interesting that you got livid upon finding her snooping in your stuff, but find yourself perfectly justified in going through hers. It's a two way street.

 

I hope that you will take some time to be single for a while and really engage in some self discovery. If you do, I think you'll find your future relationships more rewarding.

 

You make sound points.

 

Well to be a little more clear, she went through my entire computer while I was still drinking/entertainings guests, and she had "gone to bed", but the kicker was she started DELETING photos, and turns out she deleted a LOT of photos of ordinary girls (my friends exes I may have had my arm around at a social gathering) and I found them deleted in the recycle bin. And none of the sexy photos were of any exes. By mistake though, in my received files, I did still have sexual (again, no nudity) photos of a girl I chatted with but never met online. But the point is she not only went through all my pictures, but deleted a bunch. Alcohol could have played a factor, but still. In my case, I did snoop, but it was simply her facebook when she went to the washroom. I guess they're both crimes, but at least A. mine was much less invasive, and B. I actually found stuff from the PRESENT, she found pictures from a long time ago (doesn't EVERY guy have pictures of girls on his computer?). I do think there is a difference, but again, you make solid points and I understand what you mean.

 

I described myself as a commitment phobe, but to be honest, I'm not sure how accurate it is. I did say I love you to my last ex, and was later deceived by her. I didn't have that feeling in this relationship, but I admit I struggle to comprehend what love is, and when to know when you're in love. But I don't feel I ever felt what love is with this girl. I mean I loved her/cared for her deeply but never felt "in love".

 

I agree though, we both have our issues and a relationship at this moment was impossible. I'm gonna miss the hell out of her, and I know there's still lots of work to be done (I know in the coming days/weeks she will most likely bring the guilt out of me even more) but I do think this is for the best, for both of us. I think deep down she knows this too, but doesn't want to believe it b/c she does love me very very much. But as you said, a lot of the distance may have been created by me, and I clearly couldn't offer her what she needed/wanted at this time.

[Ajax]

 

I agree though, we both have our issues and a relationship at this moment was impossible. I'm gonna miss the hell out of her, and I know there's still lots of work to be done (I know in the coming days/weeks she will most likely bring the guilt out of me even more) but I do think this is for the best, for both of us. I think deep down she knows this too, but doesn't want to believe it b/c she does love me very very much. But as you said, a lot of the distance may have been created by me, and I clearly couldn't offer her what she needed/wanted at this time.

 

I think if you can continue this level of self reflection you will ultimately come out of this in a better place.

 

She may contact you, she may not. She may still attempt to win you back, in which case I think "No Contact" is the best course. She may need some additional explanation or closure. Since the breakup is so new (less than 48 hours) I don't think it would be unreasonable to have one more conversation, but that's up to the two of you. But NC will help you make a clean break without leading each other on.

 

Since you realize you both have trust issues I won't address that again. But I'd have been upset if someone deleted pictures from my computer too. Yeah, I'd consider that a red flag. But I still believe that snooping is wrong no matter who's doing it.

[Eddie Edirol]

i would end this relationship there is no trust and your gut instinc has lead you to snoop through her facebook.

 

your gut instinc is there for a reason.

 

I do not agree with snooping but sometimes you just need to see proof so you can let go and move on.

 

I have snooped if i did not i would still be lead along along to believe otherwise and my sexuall health would have been at risk.

 

but my situation was diffrent

 

 

Absolutely agree with this. Jono what you did was snoop as a last resort to move on. Your gut instinct and red flags kept you from getting fully attached to her, and youre not a commitment phobe, you just know what to watch to make sure you dont get caught out there. I do the same thing. I dont wear my heart on my sleeve for any woman who shows interest in me. I dont necessarily look for red flags, but the big ones just pop out at you, and when you dont ignore them, youre keeping yourself from getting attached until the truth comes out. Its called smart.

 

I did the same thing with an ex whos stories set off my BS alarm. Things werent lining up. Well after I dumped her she admitted that she exaggerated stories, but didnt fess up to other things that were blatant lies. I deal with enough people and the BS alarm doesnt go off for just anyone. Good for you for dumping her. She was trying to use lame excuses to get you to re-consider, but its obvious she was lying to keep from being alone. Good for her, you taught her something. Taught her that she is a bad liar. Now she wont be in the right mind to date the guy she really wants to date, now that you took away her safety net. She was probably going to dump you when she landed the other guy.

 

On the other hand, its a possibility that she got distant from you because she sensed your distance from her long ago. You prolly couldnt hide your distance when you saw her red flags. So you have to take that into consideration with the next woman. If you see red flags, you have to confront them right away. Most young women wont tell you when they are starting to lose interest, so be careful when they try to get close to you and you pull away, yknow?

[Jono85]

Absolutely agree with this. Jono what you did was snoop as a last resort to move on. Your gut instinct and red flags kept you from getting fully attached to her, and youre not a commitment phobe, you just know what to watch to make sure you dont get caught out there. I do the same thing. I dont wear my heart on my sleeve for any woman who shows interest in me. I dont necessarily look for red flags, but the big ones just pop out at you, and when you dont ignore them, youre keeping yourself from getting attached until the truth comes out. Its called smart.

 

I did the same thing with an ex whos stories set off my BS alarm. Things werent lining up. Well after I dumped her she admitted that she exaggerated stories, but didnt fess up to other things that were blatant lies. I deal with enough people and the BS alarm doesnt go off for just anyone. Good for you for dumping her. She was trying to use lame excuses to get you to re-consider, but its obvious she was lying to keep from being alone. Good for her, you taught her something. Taught her that she is a bad liar. Now she wont be in the right mind to date the guy she really wants to date, now that you took away her safety net. She was probably going to dump you when she landed the other guy.

 

On the other hand, its a possibility that she got distant from you because she sensed your distance from her long ago. You prolly couldnt hide your distance when you saw her red flags. So you have to take that into consideration with the next woman. If you see red flags, you have to confront them right away. Most young women wont tell you when they are starting to lose interest, so be careful when they try to get close to you and you pull away, yknow?

 

Thanks for that man, made me feel less guilty I guess and that I did the right thing.

 

Totally agree with you that young women don't end things when they start losing interest, they simply line up other guys. This girl is 22; my last ex was also 22 who was lining up her ex while still telling me she loved me etc. For all I know, this chick was also trying to line up other guys since she felt confused about us, and it wasn't just some anomaly/mistake like she claims. Regardless it killed my trust in her so at this point it won't work either way. And our problems obviously went beyond trust, so I think this was a nice out for us both to move on.

 

She texted me this morning with a heart, and telling me I'm her baby and she can't lose me. I texted her that I'm not changing my decision, and that even though it's going to be very hard, I think it's best for the both of us. She updated her facebook with a few things, but hasn't taken down her relationship status as in a relationship (mine has never showed, not the type that likes broadcasting my status whether i'm single or in one). So I think there could be some work still ahead, to convince her I'm serious (and maybe convince might be just ignoring if she doesn't get it). We'll see.