How many of you break up over this??

February 13, 2012

Last week and a half lets say, girl I've been dating is being unusually distant. We've been dating 7 months or so. She's usually the clingy type, but very distant and not prioritizing me in the last couple weeks. Btw we are long distance and weren't seeing eachother over that stretch until this weekend.

So anyway, I was forced to talk to her about it last week, and ask her whats going on (several times throughout the week). She wasn't even acting excited about seeing me leading up to this weekend. Always giving me an excuse for not being able to talk on the phone, or being brief. Hardly any affection. So anyway she kept brushing it off as me being overly emotional ("you're acting like a girl" she even said), and it was nothing to worry about.

Well so we're hanging out this weekend (everything seems back to normal btw when we chilled) and she leaves her facebook signed in when she goes to the washroom. I went snooping, naturally. Turns out she's PMing a couple guys, one in particular. It was all innocent, aside from her last comment (I'll get to that). But they were talking quite a bit this past week. This isn't the first time I've seen her msg this guy, and she knows I don't like her talking to him (or any guys for that matter), b/c she used to have a big crush on him (they kissed once she said but that was it; key words, 'she said'..). So anyway, the last comment she writes him, was 'I could use a personal trainer ' after hearing he just landed a personal trainer job.

Anyway, so I'm clearly bummed. I hurry and close everything, and act like I was just on the internet. She tells me she forgot to sign out of facebook, and does that. I proceed to play it patiently and think of what to do, instead of confronting her immediately. And we continue on with our night. Well I'm noticably in a bad mood I guess, and I finally tell her when we're out, that I was just thinking about how she was so eager to sign out of facebook, and was wondering if she had things to hide (she obviously denies that).

So we carry on, and I wanted to give her a test. I tell her I'm going to the washroom, which was a bit of a walk from where we were, and tell her to wait there for me. Giving her a chance to delete the messages from her phone. When we finally get home, I ask her if she would show me her facebook. She willingly agrees. Sure enough the messages were gone. I'm pretty disappointed, but not surprised really.

I confront her about it. She finally concedes that she was being distant this weekend b/c she wasn't sure about us lately. She said she planned on talking to me about it this weekend, but thought it might have been just the distance, and she'd feel the same when we hung out. She said she loves me sooo much, and was sooo sorry about what she did. She said he doesn't mean anything to her, and he lives a couple hours away, and blah blah blah. Says it was entirely innocent aside from admitting the last comment was flirtatious.

My question is would you break up with someone for this?? On the one hand she never cheated, or really was even techincally lining him up, but it clearly turned flirty (initiated by her). And the worst part was she never talked to me about how she was feeling. She was talking to this guy almost as much/more than me. She never initiated convos with me all week, yet did with him. She tells me she never wanted to talk to me about any of her feelings (or lack thereof) b/c she knew it was most likely nothing, and would change as soon as she saw me.

But my concern is obviously, why did she choose to talk to this dude. What happens when there's a guy who's in closer proximity (coworker, guy in town, etc) and she feels distant from me? Also more importantly, how am I to believe she would have stopped talking to him had I not confronted her and put an end to it? Well for all I know she won't stop talking to him. Kind of lost a fair amount of trust here. Thoughts?

February 13, 2012

I wouldn't end things over that, no. It seems like you have some trust issues, evident by the fact you don't want her talking to ANY other guys at all.

February 13, 2012

I think you have a problem. It's clear that she has no respect for you or your relationship and is becoming interested in this other guy.

February 13, 2012

Frankly, and I mean no disrespect, but I wouldn't blame her for breaking up with you.

Snooping on her Facebook and getting upset by her for just talking to other guys? It's possessive.

If my girlfriend snooped through my Facebook or cell phone, or tried to control who I was friends with I would walk out the door.

February 13, 2012

I wouldn't end things over that, no. It seems like you have some trust issues, evident by the fact you don't want her talking to ANY other guys at all.

That isn't what I meant and I should have worded that differently; I'll fix it. I really don't care about her talking to guys at all. I DO have issues with gfs talking with guys they used to date. This guy is someone she had a huge crush on for 2 years and claims they kissed one night. I think most bfs would have a problem with their gf private messaging a guy like this.

February 13, 2012

I think you have a problem. It's clear that she has no respect for you or your relationship and is becoming interested in this other guy.

Don't necessarily disagree. But I wouldn't discount that the guy actually means nothing, and the real problem was that instead of dealing with our issues internally, with me, she chose to find another outlet (flirting with a guy to make her feel better?). But yes I would agree we have issues currently.

February 13, 2012

Frankly, and I mean no disrespect, but I wouldn't blame her for breaking up with you.

Snooping on her Facebook and getting upset by her for just talking to other guys? It's possessive.

If my girlfriend snooped through my Facebook or cell phone, or tried to control who I was friends with I would walk out the door.

1. What does you first sentence have to do with my problem?? She didn't break up with me. She flirted with a guy on facebook BEFORE I snooped on her. Try to stay on subject here.

2. Just talking to other guys?? Flirting with other guys saying she wants him as her personal trainer with a smiley face, is not just talking to other guys. Even she admitted that was very wrong. I'm not sure what kind of relationships you are used to.

3. I agree snooping is terrible, but at the same time you can't tell me 90% of people in general, if given the opportunity to snoop such as spouse/gf/bf leaves facebook open, and their SO happens to be acting very strange recently and distant/cold, wouldn't snoop. You just can't tell me that. It was right there in front of me, why not check if my gf is acting very suspiscious and different for the first time in 7 months. But I can understand your opinions on that, I just disagree that it's a dealbreaker if reasons were given to merit such snooping.

February 13, 2012

My question to you is why you waited until after you looked at her facebook before bringing up the relationship problems you were having? If you did not look at her facebook account, can you honestly say that you would have brought it up to her anytime in the future about the emotional distance you felt?

Part of emotional distance that you felt from her is the distance you created to her from yourself from the lack of communication and your own feelings. You bottled up how you felt and hoped that it would get better and it never does. It leads to more problems

February 13, 2012

1. What does you first sentence have to do with my problem?? She didn't break up with me. She flirted with a guy on facebook BEFORE I snooped on her. Try to stay on subject here.

I'm aware that she didn't break up with you. I was stating that after this incident I would understand if she did. But I'm not advocating a breakup here by any party.

'I could use a personal trainer '

Just talking to other guys?? Flirting with other guys saying she wants him as her personal trainer with a smiley face, is not just talking to other guys. Even she admitted that was very wrong. I'm not sure what kind of relationships you are used to.

Call me naive, but if this is the extent of the flirtation, I think you may be overreacting. And she may have admitted it was wrong to avoid confrontation.

Without seeing more than that I don't think we can have an informed opinion.

But I stand by my view that you've demonstrated some possessive tendencies, that need to be addressed. You have no right to decide who her friends are. If that makes you uncomfortable, then you have a decision to make.

Now if what you saw on her computer is indeed the tip of the iceberg and she is in fact carrying on a clandestine flirt session with this fellow, that's on her. I may be naive, but I've been around the block a few times with deceptive women. I know it makes us paranoid, and I do sympathize even if I disagree with some of your actions so far.

There's definitely a communication and trust issue here, on both sides. You gut was telling you she was distant, and it was probably right. The fact that she brushed it off and accused you of being a girl when you tried to express your concerns is also a bad sign. So regardless of whether or not she's flirting with other guys, I would question whether or not I would want to be in a relationship that had this dynamic.

I wish you well.

February 13, 2012

My question to you is why you waited until after you looked at her facebook before bringing up the relationship problems you were having? If you did not look at her facebook account, can you honestly say that you would have brought it up to her anytime in the future about the emotional distance you felt?

Part of emotional distance that you felt from her is the distance you created to her from yourself from the lack of communication and your own feelings. You bottled up how you felt and hoped that it would get better and it never does. It leads to more problems

from the OP...

So anyway, I was forced to talk to her about it last week, and ask her whats going on (several times throughout the week). She wasn't even acting excited about seeing me leading up to this weekend. Always giving me an excuse for not being able to talk on the phone, or being brief. Hardly any affection. So anyway she kept brushing it off as me being overly emotional ("you're acting like a girl" she even said), and it was nothing to worry about.

...

February 13, 2012

I read that...

Did you believe her when she told you that?

February 13, 2012

I'm aware that she didn't break up with you. I was stating that after this incident I would understand if she did. But I'm not advocating a breakup here by any party.

Call me naive, but if this is the extent of the flirtation, I think you may be overreacting. And she may have admitted it was wrong to avoid confrontation.

Without seeing more than that I don't think we can have an informed opinion.

But I stand by my view that you've demonstrated some possessive tendencies, that need to be addressed. You have no right to decide who her friends are. If that makes you uncomfortable, then you have a decision to make.

Now if what you saw on her computer is indeed the tip of the iceberg and she is in fact carrying on a clandestine flirt session with this fellow, that's on her. I may be naive, but I've been around the block a few times with deceptive women. I know it makes us paranoid, and I do sympathize even if I disagree with some of your actions so far.

There's definitely a communication and trust issue here, on both sides. You gut was telling you she was distant, and it was probably right. The fact that she brushed it off and accused you of being a girl when you tried to express your concerns is also a bad sign. So regardless of whether or not she's flirting with other guys, I would question whether or not I would want to be in a relationship that had this dynamic.

I wish you well.

I appreciate your feedback. I was a little hostile about your first response b/c it seemed unnecessary to suggest she should break up with me for snooping. That's your opinion on something irrelevant to my thread, and a very uninformed opinion at that.

That being said, I agree with much of your last comments in this post. However, I never said I have a right to choose who her friends are. But do I not have a right to expect her to be honest with me about who she talks to?? She was talking/flirting with this guy behind my back, and going so far as deleting the messages/evidence in case she was caught in a bad situation. I'm not sure why you're defending her actions here, and calling me possessive b/c I don't like her lying to me about who she talks to.

And about the actual personal trainer comment in particular. It's not terrible, but it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out it wasn't innocent in the slightest. She even admitted it was flirtatious and was terribly sorry and doesn't know why she said that, etc.

But yeah I agree, I have questions to ask myself. She made me feel so guilty all week, and lied to me all week, and that upsets me a lot. And all the while she's talking to a past flame and giving him a lot of attention, and me nothing, is concerning.

February 13, 2012

I read that...

Did you believe her when she told you that?

Of course not. Hence, I kept bringing it up, and telling her how strange it seemed that she was acting that way. But at some point you cannot keep beating a dead horse when she's telling you everything is fine, and stop being so emotional about it, and she doesn't want to talk about it anymore. Things felt normal again when she visited me so I chalked it up as an anomoly, but obviously still took the opportunity to snoop when given the chance, as I wasn't completely sold. Girls don't just act completely different out of nowhere, when everything is fine. It's always SOMEthing.

February 13, 2012

It is a good thing you sensed that and checked on her on fb, maybe there is still time to save the relationship, maybe she already distanced herself from you. Very tricky situation. What she is doing is emotional cheating.

February 13, 2012

^ agreed.

any other opinions?

February 13, 2012

NO Trust + NO Communication + NO Respect = NO Chance.

My only advice to you is in future, to ALWAYS respect someone's privacy. There is no excuse within a relationship to go through someone's private things/letters/mails/Facebook..

Disagree, it can save you a brutal heartbreak and leaving you in darkness wondering what is it you did wrong when all they did is had a crush for someone else.

If your gut is telling you that there is something wrong, forget the ethics and protect yourself from cheaters.

February 13, 2012

Jono, my advice to you would be to cut that chick loose

she's already "emotionally" cheating on you
like someone on this tread previously said, women - when they have a crush on someone, as soon as they get a green light from that person, they leave you
at the moment she is using you as her security blanket, bc a relationship isn't only infatuation, she is going to string you along until she is sure the guy wants to be with her and then dump you i.e. her actions of deleting the post from her fb.
if you cut her loose she loses that security blanket, starts feeling rejected which in turn makes it more difficult emotionally to pursue the new guy.

February 13, 2012

Disagree, it can save you a brutal heartbreak and leaving you in darkness wondering what is it you did wrong when all they did is had a crush for someone else.

If your gut is telling you that there is something wrong, forget the ethics and protect yourself from cheaters.

COMPLETELY agree.

I've been around the block long enough to know that there are LOTS of girls (and i'm sure guys, but obv my experiences resonate with girls) who are just too cowardly to end things properly. They will do an oscar worthy acting job for a while, until they line something else up, instead of being honest and 'harsh' with their bf. I've snooped one other time in my life, and I have no regrets, because I caught my ex emotionally cheating with her ex, and essentially making sure he was on board before leaving me. I ended things with her obviously as soon as I found a letter from him.

The point is, when your SO is acting unusually different, and you've invested all sorts of time with them, and they're telling you everythings fine, well I think if you have the opportunity to do something subtle like look at their facebook, take it! I've done this twice in my life, and both times my gf's were hiding/emotionally cheating on me. This isn't something you should do unless in a very unique situation, but if it's something hardly invasive such as checking her facebook when SHE left it logged in, go for it. She should have nothing to hide.

That being said, I understand the other side of the argument. But I have no regrets, and would do it again. The first time around, with my ex, it obviously saved me weeks/months of time falling deeper for her.

February 13, 2012

Then we can agree to disagree. In my opinion invasion of privacy is wrong. Period. If you gut is telling you there is something wrong then listen to it, by all means. That doesn't mean you need to invade someone's personal space.

To me its unacceptable behaviour and I would leave a relationship over this. If you want to protect yourself from cheaters, choose more widely and if you have choosen badly, listen to your gut instinct..

Choose more wisely? May I ask how old you are? Cheaters come in ALL forms, shapes, and sizes. You cannot pick them out. Sure some people give off red flags that would be highly correlated with a cheater, but there are LOTS of people who you'd never believe in a million years would be capable of cheating, that are and do.

February 13, 2012

Jono, my advice to you would be to cut that chick loose

she's already "emotionally" cheating on you
like someone on this tread previously said, women - when they have a crush on someone, as soon as they get a green light from that person, they leave you
at the moment she is using you as her security blanket, bc a relationship isn't only infatuation, she is going to string you along until she is sure the guy wants to be with her and then dump you i.e. her actions of deleting the post from her fb.
if you cut her loose she loses that security blanket, starts feeling rejected which in turn makes it more difficult emotionally to pursue the new guy.

Thanks for the advice.

Yeah I think there's very little trust in our relationship right now, and this will likely be what's going to happen. I just wanted to hear what others thought about what she did, and whether others would leave someone for something so small like that. I'm not deeply in love with her or anything either, so I think it's time to move on.

February 13, 2012

I am close to 32. We are not going to agree Jono when it comes to invading privacy. I mean look at how people are split on the topic -> http://answerology.cosmopolitan.com/index.aspx/question/2645883_Do-you-think-its-OK-to-invade-someones-privacy-if-you-supect-them-of-dishonesty.html. That doesn't mean I am not on your side. I have read many of your posts and you seem like a good guy. Your intuition was working perfectly. You felt something was wrong and your intuition was right. I think in general if you communicate correctly when you feel something is wrong, you will get the same answer (more often then not) without having to invade someone's privacy.

I understand they are sneaky people out there. You just have to trust your judgement when picking your next girlfriend. Not only that u need to pick a girl, you believe that you can trust. Trust is so important in a relationship. Yes we can all be duped (I have been cheated on by someone I was engaged to) and its heartbreaking when it happens. Letting you heart out there always carries a risk, but I for one will always commit to someone I love (or could potentially love) 100% and will respect that person's privacy and individuality.

I know how cynicial the world is out there. I refuse to ever get involved, where I behave in a cynicial manner within a relationship. By going through his stuff, I believe I am behaving in a cynical manner. This is just my opinion and it's ok to disagree with it. I don't think there is any point in debating if its right or wrong to snoop.

There is no trust in this relationship, communication seems like a big problem too. If this relationship is going to work it will require big changes from you both. In my experience when trust is broken, its very hard to get it back. Maybe it's time to cut your losses and find a woman who you don't have to snoop on because you are 100% sure she will never cheat on you. There are a lot of cheats out there but there is also alot of people who have a good moral compass. Since my last breakup I have put in so much work on myself. I hope that work will be rewarded with a kind, geniune, affectionate, morally strong, funny, sweet, reliable, trustworthy person..

Thanks for the reply, and kind words

To be honest, there is a part of me that 100% agrees with you, and a bigger part than you'd probably guess given my posts in here/behaviour. I mean even early on in our relationship, she would leave her facebook signed in accidentally, when she left to go home, and I would just log out immediately. I had no reason to believe she may have been that type of girl. But things changed, and I started to wonder. There were other red flags for sure, but because she was so clingy and overly affectionate, I didn't think she'd be one to ever hide things from me or be talking to other guys behind my back. But I think I realized that because she demands attention and affection so much and is so clingy, and we are semi-long distance, that might actually be a reason to support the idea that she will look to someone else to fill her needs while we cannot see eachother for a couple weeks, etc.

Back to the point though, I agree no sense arguing the morals of snooping. I do hate that it had to come to that, and maybe in the future, I will learn to trust my instincts more and just get out before having to snoop (I am 2 for 2 now, so my instincts have been spot on thus far..). The bottom line was I was not having my needs fulfilled over the past 2 weeks, and she wasn't giving me any good reasons for her lack of actions.

I'm sorry you've had some rotten luck in the past, and am glad it hasn't left you hopeless in finding what you deserve. Personally, given my last 2 relationships (this one and last), I'm not sure I'll ever 100% have trust in future girls, b/c I put both of these girls through lots of hoops to prove they were trustworthy people, who've never and will never cheat on anyone, etc etc. Neither did physically, but emotionally, a different story.

Anyway thanks for the feedback. I will analyse this situation today, and most likely come to the conclusion that the trust just isn't at an adequate level, so there's no point continuing.

Ps. interesting link, I'm going to take a look at that.

February 14, 2012

Listen up right now bro.

I had the same **** happen to me with my ex of 4.5 years. We started dating when we were 15 and it ended bak in september of 2010. the reason? I went on vacation for 15 days and during this period she got attached to a friend that I knew as well. my point being. here is when i got back from vacation I could sense something was different, something wasn't right..she was more secretive, i could feel something was just missing. She started avoiding me, making up excuses so we couldn't chill and i tried to brush it off. I even confronted her when we were together, that kid kept texting her. and she told me they r just good friends and i shouldnt worry and that its cute how jealous I am getting. I really got pissed one day and she told me to settle down and not take it so seriously so i was liek **** it. w.e i wont let it affect me. BUT I REALIZED dude AS SOON AS YOU FEEL SOMETHING IS RIGHT NO MATTER HOW LONG YOU HAVE BEEN WITH SOMEONE YOU NEED TO CONFRONT THE SITUATION HEAD FIRST. DO NOT DO WHAT I DID AND WAIT TILL IT BITES YOU IN THE ASS HARDER THAN a ton of bricks falling on you head first. I LEt this **** go and it all blew up in my face because I GOT so fed up with her constant avoidance, not wanting to chill I BROKE UP WITH HER. and when I confronted her about this before she told me she might have started developing feelings for him. I legit laughed in her face and told her you are being stupid, legit we are dating for 4.5 ****ing years what feelings do you develop over me being gone 15 days?? I couldn't believe what I was hearing so i ended it. i got fed up i was like screw this, she will figure it out. And guess what? me and her tryed to work it out. and what ended up happening was one night i decided 2 come to her place to fix things because I wanted it to work you know. and guess what happened. That guy was there at 11 pm at night. and I didn't know this at the time. she wouldn't even let me in. when i knocked on the door. sooo I barged through and i saw the guy who I knew since 2008. from the same univ program as her, kid has been around for almost three years in her life before anything. and guess what? imagine that..after dating and being with someone that long and being with them and putting all your trust into someone to watch it all come crashing down that night when you see the girl you love and that guy in her house .i felt like a complete stranger..i looked into her eyes and did not see the same person.

my point in all of this: if you believe something is up. confront it. and deal with it. if they cannot handle what you gotta say end it. I REGRET TILL THIS DAY the way i dealt with the constant texting of him and her. and look what happened. I PUT MY TRUST IN HER when she told me it was nothing. but dude LOVE blinds you and the point through all of this is somethings YOU CANT think straight. you think of scenarios in your head just to put certain things together to make sense, to believe certain things.

Lesson for you: it can only backfire in your face if you don't deal with it. chicks are sneaky and people are selfish never trust anyone 100 percent I HAVE LEARNED this the hard way. AND I WILL TELL You after dating this girl for 4.5 years I would have given everything for her, thats how much I loved her and cared for her and thats what she ended up doing to me??

I rarely post on here but this one really struck a cord with me and i wanted to share my experience with you to make you see certain things in a different light

February 14, 2012

^^thanks for sharing your story bud. i'm real sorry what happened to you, glad you're on the right path now.

Just an update, I broke up with her today (i know, valentines day of all days lol). She was pretty emotional but I knew she would be. She swore it meant nothing and she'd give me her facebook password and never lie to me again, etc etc. But it's too late. This isn't the first time she's lied to me. I fully believe she's never cheated on me, but at the same time, she's lied to me on a few occasions.

She's also gone through my computer before searching for pictures, facebook msgs, anything. All she found was pictures of girls from my past that I just never deleted (some of them sexual, but none naked), but she confronted me about it. I was LIVID that she even went through my stuff behind my back, but at the time she put on quite a sob story about how guys have messed her up and left her so hurt that she's always paranoid now, and apologized profusely. But she's done things since, behind my back. So this was the final straw.

Interestingly enough, she's the one always claimed she's head over heels in love with me. I on the other hand, have never said those words to her, as I'm a bit of a commitment phobe for one, and secondly, I just was never 100% sure about her (most likely b/c of all these little red-flags). She was very insecure about my feelings towards her (even though I treated her great and was ALWAYS honest with her) but it led to a TON of fights, and ultimately a very unhealthy relationship. But it's interesting that even thought she was always the one with the stronger feelings, she's also the one that deceived me a few times, albeit nothing physical, or even explicitly sexual in nature, but still fairly significant lies imo, that involves other guys.

Edited February 14, 2012 by Jono85

February 14, 2012

I think breaking up was a wise decision. It's clear that neither of you were really in a position to be in a trusting and committed relationship, and it takes guts to face that truth.

Considering that you say you're a bit of a commitment-phobe, I hope you'll take some time to deal with this before jumping back into a relationship with someone. We're all a little hesitant to give our hearts away and it's never good to commit to someone you have strong doubts about, but commitment phobia can really hurt people.

When you tell someone you love them, and they don't respond in kind, it can create distance. You mentioned before that the reason you snooped in her computer was because you felt she was being distant. Has it occurred to you that that may be why she first snooped in your computer? And what did she find? Sexy pictures of your exes.

So it may be that the distance that was created in your relationship wasn't entirely her fault. And it's also interesting that you got livid upon finding her snooping in your stuff, but find yourself perfectly justified in going through hers. It's a two way street.

I hope that you will take some time to be single for a while and really engage in some self discovery. If you do, I think you'll find your future relationships more rewarding.

February 14, 2012

i would end this relationship there is no trust and your gut instinc has lead you to snoop through her facebook.

your gut instinc is there for a reason.

I do not agree with snooping but sometimes you just need to see proof so you can let go and move on.

I have snooped if i did not i would still be lead along along to believe otherwise and my sexuall health would have been at risk.

but my situation was diffrent

Sign In

How many of you break up over this??

Recommended Posts

Jono85

Cmac

JohnP82

Ajax

Jono85

Jono85

Jono85

Dark Phoenix

Ajax

Jono85

Dark Phoenix

Jono85

Jono85

immitable

Jono85

immitable

immitable

Jono85

Jono85

Jono85

Jono85

SCG_Sasa1111

Jono85

Ajax

bubble_pink

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...