is nc just avoidance?

[nevadagirl]

lately i'm thinking about the ex more and more. and i feel depressed. i resist the urge to look at his wonderful life. i know it wouldn't make me feel good. but maybe it wouldn't make me feel bad? or maybe i'd only feel bad for a day and then move forward? or maybe i'm making excuses to look into his life. it's not like i'd look thinking his life sucks. everytime i looked his life seemed great.

 

but the nc thing...in the beginning i did it to try and protect myself. now that he has actually stopped trying to contact me...i just feel...so lonely. and i miss him. i'm afraid i'm not moving forward. i have gone through so many phases throughout this stupid breakup and now i just feel really depressed. it was such a nice day out today. i wished i could spend it with him like we used to.

 

i don't want to care anymore. i just don't know how to make this stop. i really feel like i'm supposed to be past this by now. i haven't cried over him in a really really long time but today i cried twice. little things like his work schedule i have now forgotten. there was a period in there somewhere when i found myself going hours without thinking of him.

 

but now he's constantly on my mind.

 

i think i'm afraid because the ex before him was someone i stayed hung up on for a year. i went through a rebound relationship that eased the pain temporarily but when all was said and done i couldn't deny that i still had strong feelings for this ex. and he came out of the blue and said he still had feelings for me too. so i went to visit him and pretty much got my heart shattered into a thousand pieces.

 

i am SO afraid of doing that again. the way i got over the old ex - 1) i had a rebound relationship that quickly fizzled and then 2) after having my heart shattered by him i met the most recent ex - and was with him for 2 years.

 

i do not want to have to meet another boyfriend or rebound to feel better. someone tell me that it doesn't take that to get over a relationship.

 

i just want to be happy being alone.

[ScienceGal]

lately i'm thinking about the ex more and more. and i feel depressed. i resist the urge to look at his wonderful life. i know it wouldn't make me feel good. but maybe it wouldn't make me feel bad? or maybe i'd only feel bad for a day and then move forward? or maybe i'm making excuses to look into his life. it's not like i'd look thinking his life sucks. everytime i looked his life seemed great.

 

but the nc thing...in the beginning i did it to try and protect myself. now that he has actually stopped trying to contact me...i just feel...so lonely. and i miss him. i'm afraid i'm not moving forward. i have gone through so many phases throughout this stupid breakup and now i just feel really depressed. it was such a nice day out today. i wished i could spend it with him like we used to.

 

i don't want to care anymore. i just don't know how to make this stop. i really feel like i'm supposed to be past this by now. i haven't cried over him in a really really long time but today i cried twice. little things like his work schedule i have now forgotten. there was a period in there somewhere when i found myself going hours without thinking of him.

 

but now he's constantly on my mind.

 

i think i'm afraid because the ex before him was someone i stayed hung up on for a year. i went through a rebound relationship that eased the pain temporarily but when all was said and done i couldn't deny that i still had strong feelings for this ex. and he came out of the blue and said he still had feelings for me too. so i went to visit him and pretty much got my heart shattered into a thousand pieces.

 

i am SO afraid of doing that again. the way i got over the old ex - 1) i had a rebound relationship that quickly fizzled and then 2) after having my heart shattered by him i met the most recent ex - and was with him for 2 years.

 

i do not want to have to meet another boyfriend or rebound to feel better. someone tell me that it doesn't take that to get over a relationship.

 

i just want to be happy being alone.

 

I am sorry you're going through this tough time.

 

Looking to see what your ex is up to will not help you move forward when emotions are still high, trust me.

 

When did nc officially start? As in, when did you both stop trying to contact one another?

 

You don't need another boyfriend to get over your ex, but when you're in a better place, dating can help renew your faith that you can meet a good man. Sometimes I look at dating sites just to see that nice guys (seemingly nice) exist. It makes me feel a little better. What do you like to do? What are your hobbies?

[nevadagirl]

First I want to say thanks for the response ScienceGal. I come here and cry to these forums when I'm feeling particularly blue but have a tendency to not follow up on the good advice I receive. So thanks to you and this site and the people on it.

 

We officially broke up about 5 months ago but for the first two months he emailed me weekly - kept me hanging on. But I didn't respond (but i was hanging on) Long story short - one night he managed to rub his really awesome life in my face (it's possible and I didn't go looking for it) I made the mistake of talking to him after that and felt horrible because he seemed so uninterested in talking to me (yet he'd been emailing me nonstop?) And he'd gone and had sex with his ex 5 states away and put pictures of them on his * newly public * facebook and bla. Horrible. I was like, well I don't think there is a friendship to be had here and have not spoken to him since. That was in early November. He messaged me a few times after that but I ignored all of it. He sent me a "congratulations" card in the mail and wrote that he was "happy for me. really" when I graduated. I threw it in the trash. Then a week later his car broke down or something or other and he called me leaving some ridiculous voicemail asking me where I sold my junk car when it broke down? (Like wtf?) That was maybe a day or two before Christmas. Didn't answer that. He's been silent since then.

 

What are my hobbies? I Don't know. Having a passion certainly whittles the world down into a much more manageable size but I don't have any passions. I've been trying to be fluent in Spanish for years but I don't think I'll ever get there. I'm sort of interested in painting so I took an acrylic painting class. It's fun when I'm in it.

 

I don't know. I feel lost like I have no direction at all.

 

I don't think it even has anything to do with him anymore. He's just an easy thing to fixate on.

 

help

[ScienceGal]

First I want to say thanks for the response ScienceGal. I come here and cry to these forums when I'm feeling particularly blue but have a tendency to not follow up on the good advice I receive. So thanks to you and this site and the people on it.

 

We officially broke up about 5 months ago but for the first two months he emailed me weekly - kept me hanging on. But I didn't respond (but i was hanging on) Long story short - one night he managed to rub his really awesome life in my face (it's possible and I didn't go looking for it) I made the mistake of talking to him after that and felt horrible because he seemed so uninterested in talking to me (yet he'd been emailing me nonstop?) And he'd gone and had sex with his ex 5 states away and put pictures of them on his * newly public * facebook and bla. Horrible. I was like, well I don't think there is a friendship to be had here and have not spoken to him since. That was in early November. He messaged me a few times after that but I ignored all of it. He sent me a "congratulations" card in the mail and wrote that he was "happy for me. really" when I graduated. I threw it in the trash. Then a week later his car broke down or something or other and he called me leaving some ridiculous voicemail asking me where I sold my junk car when it broke down? (Like wtf?) That was maybe a day or two before Christmas. Didn't answer that. He's been silent since then.

 

What are my hobbies? I Don't know. Having a passion certainly whittles the world down into a much more manageable size but I don't have any passions. I've been trying to be fluent in Spanish for years but I don't think I'll ever get there. I'm sort of interested in painting so I took an acrylic painting class. It's fun when I'm in it.

 

I don't know. I feel lost like I have no direction at all.

 

I don't think it even has anything to do with him anymore. He's just an easy thing to fixate on.

 

help

 

Based upon what you wrote, this guy is not a great catch.

 

You need to figure out what you like and start doing it. This is to bring joy into your life, and also a sense of accomplishment. For example, I am depressed today, but instead of staying in my pajamas and sulking, I did my taxes and went to the gym. Neither are a huge deal, but I'm proud of myself for not bumming around crying all day.

 

I fixate on relationships too, because I want to settle down. Everything else I do is for fun, and I enjoy it, but it's just keeping me busy. My passion is passion, for another human being. Spending my time and life with them. But, I'd rather be alone that with someone that is not good for me. That is a bitter pill to swallow, and it took me years to digest it.

 

I am alone and I am ok.

 

Removing him from your life is the first step. Block his number, social media accounts and email addresses.

[carhill]

Once you go through the grief process you should be happy being alone, if that is your setpoint. If you are not happy when not in a relationship, that's another setpoint, and one you'll have to deal with.

 

The end of a LTR or M is like a death. It's normal to grieve. NC is acknowledging the death.

[brokenheart88]

i hope things are getting better for you! i know how you feel im still dealing from a break up and ive even tried to see if i could be with another guy to help me move on faster. I dont know if its cause i havent met the right guy or what, but ive come to realize i cant really be in another relationship if im still in love with my ex.

 

what a rebound does in my opinion is distract you from your heartache a lot more than anything else. but getting hobbies and such can do the same as well. maybe not as affectively as a rebound but it can. A job, hobbies, working out, friends something to motivate you to look and focus on something else. you literally need to keep yourself busy. there are going to be a lot of times when you cry over them, sometimes you feel better and other times you dont. you have to try and remember not to give yourself a time limit. my ex broke up with me in aug and today i had a full crying session and i got mad at myself for still feeling that way. its not easy but you need to let yourself go through the process no matter how you dont want to...

 

 

and if you dont want to get into a another relationship to help you move tell yourself that. for me i cant do it because i got hurt so badly by someone i dont want to do that to anyone else to just make myself feel better. or worse get hurt by them and then be worse of then before because im dealing with pain from 2 different guys. i hope it gets easier for you because i know everyday for me is almost like a battle...

[CopingGal]

NC will get you where you need to be. Have a relationship with yourself. NC will allow you to heal. I was totally against NC when my ex and I broke up in 2009. I wish I had practiced it then...I would not have gotten back with my ex for more pain and anguish. Believe me, NC is the way to go.