setsenia Posted February 12, 2012 Posted February 12, 2012 So what do all of you think? Is the big hype of Valentines day mostly for dating couples? Does the Valentines hype settle down once you're married? The issue I face is that each time a gift giving event comes around, like a birthday, Christmas, anniversary or Valentines, my husband tells me I need to tell him what I want him to give me otherwise he doesn't know and "may as well give me a gift card" I've told him to let me be surprised, because I can't think of anything I "need". I just want a little something special, to show he put some thought into the gift. Not just me telling him to give me something. It's been really frustrating that he can't think of something to give me without me "telling" him. Anyone else have a similar issue?
xxoo Posted February 12, 2012 Posted February 12, 2012 I'm the one in our relationship who never has ANY idea what to get my partner for a gift. Some people just aren't great at gift giving. I am great at showing my love in a lot of other ways, though. Does he show his love in other ways? For us, V day is not a big deal at all. He usually brings chocolate, for me and the kids. It was definitely a bigger deal when we were dating. If getting a gift is really important to you, and he is willing to get it, keep a "wish list" on the fridge. Make it easier for him.
JazzyFox Posted February 12, 2012 Posted February 12, 2012 This posting made me chuckle. I had the same issue here and pretty much had the same word for word convo with my husband a year ago. I told him that gift cards were out of the question and that I would not tell him what I wanted. Everytime he would try ... "honey, come look at this, what do you think? Would you like me to buy it? Which color would you like?" I would throw up my hands in the air and say that I dont need anything and that he should choose or decide on his own. But, he replied, "I want you to like it, and I dont want to make the wrong choice." And then I would explain to him, again, how important the element of surprise was to me. He agonized for my first bday gift, and was tormented for our first xmas gift. But I was so obviously giddy about the process of anticipation that he took great pleasure in teasing me about my surprise. Both gifts were absolutely amazing and I kept reminding me how awesome they were AND how awesome the element of surprise was. Lo and behold, when vday came around (we celebrated it this weekend during a fabulous romantic getaway), he placed a little box from tiffany on my breakfast plate. Wow!!! It might take some time for him to " take the plunge" but if, and when, he does, he will see that 1) it gets easier with time, as you start noticing needs and ideas in advance of the date, and 2) you take greater satisfaction when you "get it right", and 3) you bring immense pleasure and happiness to your wife. It s a rsky venture, but one worth trying for. Just remember though, that you will have to show him how happy you are at both the surprise and the gift (even if its not what you wanted). Your happiness will point him in the right direction (ie, to do it again). PS. It might be a little too close to vday for you to do (or expect) anything. Try and not be disappointed at whatever happens on Tuesday. But when a big bday or xmas comes around ... Work the process. And try and have an explict convo with him about how important the thought (ie not giftcard) and the surprise is to you. Tell him hw much you anticipated these days when you were a kid. (before xmas, i would mention almost every day how excited i was to see the presents under the tree and that santa claus was coming. Absolutely and ridiculously childish, I know.
make me believe Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 I kinda feel bad for your husband because I feel like you're being very difficult. He is asking you for ideas about how he can make you happy, and you're refusing to give them to him. I'm like xxoo, I suck at giving gifts and if my husband refused to ever tell me anything he wanted, I would have a really tough time coming up with a great gift to surprise him with. You're making it unnecessarily stressful, imo. Just give the poor guy a few ideas! I like the idea of an on-going wish list on the fridge. Or you could set up an Amazon wish list that he always has access to.
Spark1111 Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 I disagree. This is the one person on the planet you are suppose to be closer to than anyone else. Who doesn't love a thoughtful surprise? Think hard....and come up with something. You would have devoted a lot of time and thought if you were dating....don't let marriage stop that. Tell him to surprise you....and whatever he comes up with, be thrilled. Tell him you cannot wait to surprise him with your gift. Make it personal and romantic. So what if he starts sweating.....the whole purpose is to NOT grow complacent in a relationship. 1
Author setsenia Posted February 13, 2012 Author Posted February 13, 2012 It's not that I refuse to tell him what I want, I just can't think of anything I need. For example, I know common gifts are jewelry, perfume, bath and body and I already have plenty of that stuff. The more I think about it, it doesn't even have to be a gift. It's just the thought that counts. It can just be a simple card and surprise dinner location. I guess I am just tired of being the only one to "plan everything" when it comes to things. I wish he would take more initiative, so it doesn't feel like I am the only one who cares enough to try.
Afishwithabike Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 So what do all of you think? Is the big hype of Valentines day mostly for dating couples? Does the Valentines hype settle down once you're married? The issue I face is that each time a gift giving event comes around, like a birthday, Christmas, anniversary or Valentines, my husband tells me I need to tell him what I want him to give me otherwise he doesn't know and "may as well give me a gift card" I've told him to let me be surprised, because I can't think of anything I "need". I just want a little something special, to show he put some thought into the gift. Not just me telling him to give me something. It's been really frustrating that he can't think of something to give me without me "telling" him. Anyone else have a similar issue? While I think Valentines Day is very commercialized, I don't see it as something just for people who are dating/courting. If anything, people who are married should make as much of an effort because it's easy to get complacent when you feel like you already have the other person's affections. Why not give your husband a couple of categories from which to pick a gift..books (you could specify a genre of books or authors if you want to narrow it down), jewellery, etc. Or you could specify stores. I just tell my husband "get me something from .... store" or "from MAC's makeup line" because I know I'll like just about anything from there. And if makes the effort to buy you something, be happy with it.
xxoo Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 It's just the thought that counts. It can just be a simple card and surprise dinner location. Did you tell him that? "I want you to take me out to eat. You pick the place. Surprise me."
Afishwithabike Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 It's not that I refuse to tell him what I want, I just can't think of anything I need. For example, I know common gifts are jewelry, perfume, bath and body and I already have plenty of that stuff. The more I think about it, it doesn't even have to be a gift. It's just the thought that counts. It can just be a simple card and surprise dinner location. I guess I am just tired of being the only one to "plan everything" when it comes to things. I wish he would take more initiative, so it doesn't feel like I am the only one who cares enough to try. I think it's not a lack of caring. I haven't read your other posts but assuming everything else in your marriage is ok, perhaps he's that way because that's how men are wired. Men in chick films and romance novels know exactly what a woman wants, but real life men are clueless. They need more direction, more specificity than we women realize.
HHC Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 We would celebrate it if we currently had time and money, but we have other anniversaries around this time that take priority. I don't get the point of boycotting it. It's like saying 'I can be romantic any time of the year, even if im not, I dont need to do it on that day, even though it wouldn't hurt.' Even if you think it's commercialised, don't spend any money. But don't be anti romantic just because
quankanne Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 I don't know ... it's cruel to expect our partners to be mind-readers, then get unhappy when their carefully chosen gift is a dud in our eyes. I hate jewelry, I think it's a waste of his money and my time because I just don't wear it, and it was a fight the first several years of our marriage to convince him NOT to buy me crap I didn't want in the first place. Solved that particular problem by letting him know that I only wore a certain silversmith's jewelry, and while I loved everything in his catalogue, there were very few pieces that I'd actually wear. The best VD gift I got from him was a bracelet from this craftsman that he told me to get after I mentioned how much I like it ... it's one of the few pieces of jewelry I don't ever take off! on the other hand, I made it easier for him to always get me the "right" gift by commenting that he would never, ever go wrong getting me a certificate for a pedicure at the local salon, because it's the one girly thing I actually enjoy from time to time, but sometimes I don't have the money for one ... is this being high-maintenance because I tell him what I want? Possibly. But it also cuts the crap of guessing what to get me, of buying me stuff I don't want or need, and givies him the opportunity to give me exactly what I wouldn't mind having. And sometimes, that can be the best gift we can give our men
Eve Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 We used to frame the cards which we bought for each other, replacing them every year. Not sure why we stopped doing that. Mainly we will have a nice meal in or out.. something like that. .. but it is not essential that we do anything special on Valentines Day. Take care, Eve x
analystfromhell Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 What's the issue- you expect HIM to do something FOR YOU for valentines (what about the other way around?) and also expect him to mind read? Life isn't like a movie as others have pointed out... I don't feel husbands should be under any more obligation to come up with things than the wife is nor should this be some guessing game. Coming to a rational conclusion which reduces stress shouldn't something that grates on a person- if it is then my guess is the person creating the stress has other issues related to the relationship which should be discussed. Things like entitlement...
JazzyFox Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 What's the issue- you expect HIM to do something FOR YOU for valentines (what about the other way around?) and also expect him to mind read? Life isn't like a movie as others have pointed out... I don't feel husbands should be under any more obligation to come up with things than the wife is nor should this be some guessing game. Coming to a rational conclusion which reduces stress shouldn't something that grates on a person- if it is then my guess is the person creating the stress has other issues related to the relationship which should be discussed. Things like entitlement... This is not about mind-reading or creating some kind of warped guessing game. This is about taking the time to put some thought into what could bring your loved one pleasure. Taking the time ... means you have to think about it beforehand. Buying a chocolate bar at the local cornerstore on your way home from work on Valentines Day is the worst form of a cop-out. Even worse, if you expect your loved one to share it with you. This is one case where "the thought that counts" does not work. Put some thought into it ... this is probably where most people (particularly risk-averse people) have the most difficulty. It means being more perceptive about what things your loved one likes, buys, or appreciates. This very element is about the most romantic gesture around. It also plays back to when you were "courting each other". The fact is that when you are vying for the affections of another, you work at it. You "put some thought into it". Bring your loved one pleasure ... different strokes for different folks. Some like pedicures, some like v-day cards, some like chocolate, some like a romantic dinner, some like surprises. Make your loved one the center of your attention if only for a few hours. Remind them why you love each other so much. This isn't rocket science. It's about making a little gesture that counts. 1
Author setsenia Posted February 13, 2012 Author Posted February 13, 2012 What's the issue- you expect HIM to do something FOR YOU for valentines (what about the other way around?) and also expect him to mind read? Life isn't like a movie as others have pointed out... I don't feel husbands should be under any more obligation to come up with things than the wife is nor should this be some guessing game. Coming to a rational conclusion which reduces stress shouldn't something that grates on a person- if it is then my guess is the person creating the stress has other issues related to the relationship which should be discussed. Things like entitlement... JazzyFox has it well said. It's not that I expect him to do something necessarily for Valentines day specifically. Each time a special occasion rolls around, it seems like he doesn't want to put any extra thought into any planning. I used to plan surprises all the time for him, but at this point, he never bothers to do the same, so I feel like I shouldn't make the extra effort if it's not going to be returned. A simple act, not necessarily a gift, that shows he thought about me without being prompted would be appreciated. Everyone deserves some appreciation. But I am glad to hear from some of the other posters that we can't expect our spouses to know what we want, that's a good point.
JazzyFox Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 Each time a special occasion rolls around, it seems like he doesn't want to put any extra thought into any planning. I used to plan surprises all the time for him, but at this point, he never bothers to do the same, so I feel like I shouldn't make the extra effort if it's not going to be returned. Been there, done that. How is your relationship going outside of this issue? In my past relationships, I was always in this situation. In hindsight, I realized it was because I was "trying too hard" to compensate for him "not trying at all". The more I would give, the less he would give. I would become resentful, angry, and then eventually completely disagreable ... and then we would break off the relationship. Now, in my current relationship, one of the things that has changed is that 1) I met someone who is over-the-top generous and is always thinking of ways to make me happy; I am obviously and without a doubt the center of his universe, and 2) I allow myself to accept the gifts (of time, resources, energy, or whatever) that he gives me, and 3) I realize that "gifts" do not always come in the packages that you expect. I appreciate him for what he does give me (love, affection, safety, security, trust, peace) and he is happy making me happy. It gives him a purpose. There is no transaction in our love. No tit for tat. No give and take. I have learned to take control of my expectations, and achieve balance and happiness in what I do have. So, back to my original question, how is your relationship outside of this issue? Is he "giving" you his time, energy, love, through different means?
Author setsenia Posted February 13, 2012 Author Posted February 13, 2012 That is actually a good point. He does do a lot of things for me on a routine basis. Simple things, but I feel I am very lucky for the things he does for me. He'll drive me where I need to go, he'll do favors that I ask and so on. He's a very easy going guy and I know I should appreciate him more. But we have a limited budget and I feel we are limited as to things we can do to have fun together. Maybe you've seen my other posts, but it's been difficult financially for several years and the hope was that when we were done with getting our associate degrees, we'd be able to find decent jobs, but it seems like we're still stuck in the same situation with the job hunting. I found a semi-decent jobs that pays more than my past jobs, but it's nowhere near enough to make a decent living in my high cost area. I feel we aren't able to have any fun together because of the limited budget.
JazzyFox Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 That is actually a good point. He does do a lot of things for me on a routine basis. Simple things, but I feel I am very lucky for the things he does for me. He'll drive me where I need to go, he'll do favors that I ask and so on. He's a very easy going guy and I know I should appreciate him more. But we have a limited budget and I feel we are limited as to things we can do to have fun together. Maybe you've seen my other posts, but it's been difficult financially for several years and the hope was that when we were done with getting our associate degrees, we'd be able to find decent jobs, but it seems like we're still stuck in the same situation with the job hunting. I found a semi-decent jobs that pays more than my past jobs, but it's nowhere near enough to make a decent living in my high cost area. I feel we aren't able to have any fun together because of the limited budget. Well, if I was in your shoes, this is what I would say: "Honey, Valentines is tomorrow, and I just wanted to let you know how important you are to me. I realize we are going through tight times, and I don't want you to feel the need to spend any money buying me some token gift. In fact, what I would really love is for us to spend a little time together, remembering those early days when we first met. It would be great if you could find someway to make our time together tomorrow really special ... maybe a picnic in the living room, or candles in the bedroom. You know how much I love surprises, and it would just make me so happy to come home and be surprised by something. Nothing fancy. It could even be as simple as chocolate-covered strawberries in bed. What do you think? "
Author setsenia Posted February 14, 2012 Author Posted February 14, 2012 This is such a great idea, thanks for the advice! I told him earlier tonight to not worry about getting me any material things, I have plenty of that stuff. We'll probably just be having a nice dinner and like you said, reminiscing about the times when we met.
denise_xo Posted February 14, 2012 Posted February 14, 2012 It's not that I refuse to tell him what I want, I just can't think of anything I need. For example, I know common gifts are jewelry, perfume, bath and body and I already have plenty of that stuff. The more I think about it, it doesn't even have to be a gift. It's just the thought that counts. It can just be a simple card and surprise dinner location. I guess I am just tired of being the only one to "plan everything" when it comes to things. I wish he would take more initiative, so it doesn't feel like I am the only one who cares enough to try. If YOU can't even think of anything you want, how do you expect HIM to think of something you want??
Frank13 Posted February 14, 2012 Posted February 14, 2012 \ Just remember though, that you will have to show him how happy you are at both the surprise and the gift (even if its not what you wanted). Then what is the point? I am one who is tormented when it comes to gift giving (so am glad I have no one for Valentines day this year). Women want a surprise but then you end up getting something that they don't want. I would much rather tell my wife/gf what I want and be happy with it, than be surprised and get something I didn't want. Sure if you can surprise your wife/gf with something she wants, great. I was just never good at that because I am not a mind reader. You could say I just don't pay enough attention to things she says she likes, but the truth is, women aren't happy unless you can read their mind. Worse yet, when she would mention something she likes months in advance, when I would go to buy it for a gift giving holiday, I couldn't find it. It is out of stock or no longer sold. The best thing is to give your guy a list and have him pick one or a few items from it. That way you are surprised and also get what you want.
Frank13 Posted February 14, 2012 Posted February 14, 2012 I disagree. This is the one person on the planet you are suppose to be closer to than anyone else. Who doesn't love a thoughtful surprise? Think hard....and come up with something. You would have devoted a lot of time and thought if you were dating....don't let marriage stop that. Tell him to surprise you....and whatever he comes up with, be thrilled. Tell him you cannot wait to surprise him with your gift. Make it personal and romantic. So what if he starts sweating.....the whole purpose is to NOT grow complacent in a relationship. Believe me when I tell you, women who play these games don't make a husband or bf less complacent, they make them resentful. Then they wonder why the guy cheats or leaves them for someone who doesn't expect them to be a mind reader.
Frank13 Posted February 14, 2012 Posted February 14, 2012 Men in chick films and romance novels know exactly what a woman wants, but real life men are clueless. They need more direction, more specificity than we women realize. Bravo! A woman who actually understands men. Will you marry me?
beenburned Posted February 14, 2012 Posted February 14, 2012 My H and I have always given each other cards that say how much you love and appreciate them. For the people that are frugal or just on a strict budget: Always buy the cards at the dollar store. The cards are all 50 cents or a dollar, and they look as good as the ones from Hall****. Every once in a while we will splurge with flowers, chocolate, or dining out.But it is not the norm. I'm here to tell you as a long time married person, nobody (M or F) is a mind reader when it comes to gifts for any occasion. You will need to tell the spouse exactly what you want, or else it will cause resentments and frustrations on every holiday that rolls around. HAPPY VALENTINES DAY TO ALL!!! Enjoy your day and count your blessings!
Stung Posted February 14, 2012 Posted February 14, 2012 Then what is the point? I am one who is tormented when it comes to gift giving (so am glad I have no one for Valentines day this year). Women want a surprise but then you end up getting something that they don't want. I would much rather tell my wife/gf what I want and be happy with it, than be surprised and get something I didn't want. Sure if you can surprise your wife/gf with something she wants, great. I was just never good at that because I am not a mind reader. You could say I just don't pay enough attention to things she says she likes, but the truth is, women aren't happy unless you can read their mind. Worse yet, when she would mention something she likes months in advance, when I would go to buy it for a gift giving holiday, I couldn't find it. It is out of stock or no longer sold. The best thing is to give your guy a list and have him pick one or a few items from it. That way you are surprised and also get what you want. That amused me because that's actually what I do. I make myself the easiest woman to shop for in the world, and my husband doesn't appreciate it at all. We budget mostly for our properties and our kids. I try to spend money on practical stuff we really need, and stuff for the kids, only really treat myself to books. I make little mental notes throughout the year of splurge items I want, and actually create wish lists of little luxuries I've had my eye on for some time, that I genuinely have desired for months but can't justify spending the money on unless it's for a special occasion. My husband knows about the wish lists and has access to them whenever he wants, so I won't even know he's been looking at my lists. Yet he prefers to surprise me by going off completely on his own, because it's been so drilled into his head by his sisters and exes and society that women supposedly want surprises--but he is not a very good gift giver, and almost never gets me something I actually want . Oy. I admit I have very particular tastes and he struggles with that, he's got an engineer's mind and always wants practicality and function over form, which is why I'm always amazed that he eschews my helpful lists. I guess it's always something. I am a symbolic thinker and tend to get emotionally invested in symbolic holidays, a trap I think a lot of women fall into, and we end up overthinking/overfeeling it, one way or another. I have to admit, the few times he has come up with something that really surprised me AND struck a chord with me, it was really nice and I was touched by the thought he put into it. And I know that that is what he's going for, he's trying to put his own thought and effort into it, so his gesture is always appreciated. On the other hand, those times when he does go what he calls the lazy route and just get me something off my lists that he knows I have been wanting, I'm pretty happy too because damn, I'd been wanting that <whatever> for months. My husband is the difficult one to buy for, in our family. It's easy for me to buy or make gifts for everyone but him. His big interests are outside my area of expertise, and he's kind of elitist and an acknowledged expert in those fields so I'm hesitant to even try. He could give two craps about clothes, so I buy all his clothes all the time anyway. He's not terribly sentimental about imagery and stuff, plus he's a better artist/artisan than I am, so it's hard to please him with handmade items...and he never makes wish lists or gives suggestions. I remember a couple of years ago he'd been complaining about our coffee maker for about six months. It wasn't doing this right, it wasn't doing that right, the litany every morning for weeks on end. This is a man who loves his coffee, total coffee snob. So, I spent like a week researching the best coffee makers, and got him a new one for Father's Day. It was sitting in our closet all wrapped and ready to go, and the day before Father's Day he went out alone in the afternoon while I was napping with the baby and bought himself a coffee maker. I almost strangled him. Who does that? Wait until the day AFTER a gift giving holiday to buy yourself the thing you've been talking about wanting for six months, dork. I guess I'm in the guy's camp on this one .
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