J322Y Posted February 12, 2012 Posted February 12, 2012 Hi all. I joined this site because I want to have a discussion about the concepts of "serial dating" and/or "playing the field". Both seem to have a negative connotation and I want to understand what these terms mean and how they might effect relationships. Some quick background about myself (I'm 53 years old), from my Match.com profile. - I have spent almost all of the past 25 years in two relationships, first a 10 year marriage and recently a 13 year long monogamous partnership. I've been single for a few months now, and it's a good thing for me. I like my ex, but not the relationship as it was. I moved here after breaking it off and I'm excited about meeting new people. I speak with both my ex girlfriend and ex wife regularly and I value their friendship. Ideally we would all like to find our soul mate, but I don't believe you can order one online. My goal here is to meet like-minded people and let nature takes its course. I would love to find my soul mate, but I want to avoid rushing into something on the rebound. I don't lie. I never cheated on my ex's and they will both tell you that I'm extremely honest. I'm not into one night stands. Even when I was young and single I avoided sex with strangers. I've been a member of Match for a few months and I have had dates with three women. The first women I met didn't result in a second date. I had another first date that went well and we have planned a second, and I've had two dates with a woman who has agreed to a third. There was clear chemistry with both of these two women. I continue to be open to meeting new people. When Match generates possible connections I view them and respond to any that seem like good matches for me. I don't feel that I'm being disrespectful to the women I'm already dating because I've made no promises and told no lies. My fear is that they are assuming things that my male mind is failing to register. Any help understanding this will be appreciated. Jerry
Fondue Posted February 12, 2012 Posted February 12, 2012 It is perfectly acceptable to multi-date. A lot of women do it now-a-days, especially with the access to many men due to online dating. It's more or less expected. You may get one or two bad apples who frown upon it and say "a man should only be focused on one girl, and if he isn't, he just isn't that interested." Don't listen to that crowd. Go about your business, enjoy the company, find the one you like, pursue her. Goodluck .
Frogwife Posted February 12, 2012 Posted February 12, 2012 I agree - there is nothing wrong with multidating. That's what I've done and that is the point of dating, to get to know people and make the best choice you can. Just make sure you are 100% honest at the beginning that you are not seeing them exclusively, that you are dating other people.
Author J322Y Posted February 12, 2012 Author Posted February 12, 2012 I agree - there is nothing wrong with multidating. That's what I've done and that is the point of dating, to get to know people and make the best choice you can. Just make sure you are 100% honest at the beginning that you are not seeing them exclusively, that you are dating other people. Being honest is easy for me, but I also want to be understood. It seems a little awkward to mention to my date that I will still be dating others. I may be wrong, but it seems to me that a significant percentage of women are quick to cling, and maybe men are the same. It's simple to say that I will limit myself to strong women who don't tend to cling, but I want to be reasonable. That tendency doesn't necessarily mean the women wouldn't be a good mate for me. Or does it? It also gets more complicated if sex enters the picture. Do the same things apply or does sex change everything? So far these dates haven't involved sex.
Frogwife Posted February 12, 2012 Posted February 12, 2012 Being honest is easy for me, but I also want to be understood. It seems a little awkward to mention to my date that I will still be dating others. I may be wrong, but it seems to me that a significant percentage of women are quick to cling, and maybe men are the same. It's simple to say that I will limit myself to strong women who don't tend to cling, but I want to be reasonable. That tendency doesn't necessarily mean the women wouldn't be a good mate for me. Or does it? It also gets more complicated if sex enters the picture. Do the same things apply or does sex change everything? So far these dates haven't involved sex. Yes, absolutely sex changes things. If I have a first date with someone, I don't wrap up the date by saying, "Oh, this was great, by the way, I'm seeing other people". But if it progresses to multiple dates, then I'm upfront that I'm seeing other people at the same time. Then they can choose if they want to continue, but know that I was honest. And yes, if I have had two concurrent sex partners, they also knew that I was sexual with other people. You may weed out people who don't want to be "one of several" but at least you know you didn't mislead anyone.
goldengirl11 Posted February 12, 2012 Posted February 12, 2012 (edited) I would like to know if there is anyone else preferably before I get intimate with them and will definitely try to speak up more than before. I had sex once with a man/old friend I was casually seeing who I was in all the time daily communication with, then to discover there was someone else further down the line when he said shall we be friends (I put off with it incase I lost him) then he begins to no longer make time for me but had me on a string and then out of the blue he said he'd found someone... then got in touch... then disappeared... I want to be the only one a man is seeing if sex is involved. Edited February 13, 2012 by goldengirl11
Oxy Moronovich Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 I would like to know if there is anyone else preferably before I get intimate with them and will definitely try to speak up more than before. I had sex once with a man/old friend I was casually seeing who I was in all the time daily communication with, then to discover there was someone else further down the line when he said shall we be friends (I put off with it incase I lost him) then he begins to no longer make time for me but had me on a string and then out of the blue he said he'd found someone... then got in touch... then disappeared... I want to be the only one a man is seeing if sex is involved. You want to be the only one a man is seeing if sex is involved? It doesn't sound like a reasonable reason to me. Even if you were the only one, that man could have easily dumped you the same way. For me, as with everyone, there are alotta people I am incompatible with. I multi-date to save time. A while ago, I ended up having sex with two different women at the same time. I had to figure out which one I wanted to date seriously. So I chose one. It's far more convenient to have options rather than going one at a time.
goldengirl11 Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 You want to be the only one a man is seeing if sex is involved? It doesn't sound like a reasonable reason to me. Even if you were the only one, that man could have easily dumped you the same way. For me, as with everyone, there are alotta people I am incompatible with. I multi-date to save time. A while ago, I ended up having sex with two different women at the same time. I had to figure out which one I wanted to date seriously. So I chose one. It's far more convenient to have options rather than going one at a time. Each to their own I suppose!
SabreDC Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 I'm one of those "focus on one person at a time" daters. I find nothing wrong with multidating but that's just a lot of random facts and trivia to remember. I like to make it easy to avoid a situation like "Oh, how did you like your trip to Egypt? What, that wasn't you? Oh." I find that, while it does take longer to meet someone special, it is just easier to focus on one person at a time.
chryssy83 Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 I agree that there is nothing wrong with multi-dating. And the OP seems to have a healthy attitude about it--it's not about getting the most chicks, it's about having fun and meeting people. Don't see a problem with it. The differences in opinion/practice on this thread just underscore the need for "the talk." In my opinion, anyway. Not in a scary "where is this relationship headed?" kind of way, but just a "Are you seeing other people? I'm not and I don't want to because I only want to see you" kind of way. For some that comes before sex, for others there are time limits, whatever. But with so many people who are multi-dating or who are against multi-dating out there, it doesn't make sense to ever assume the other person is or isn't seeing other people.
musemaj11 Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 If you are a man and you dont multi-date, then you are stupid. If you pay for it, as a consumer you dont have any ethical obligation to stay loyal.
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