here4her Posted February 12, 2012 Posted February 12, 2012 Long story short. I've been talking to someone for 6+ months, I wanted to move forward, she didn't. No one in her life knows I exist, She rarely shows any form of emotion, and a couple times I've tried to make plans with her and she was to busy. Knowing all this I think to myself we obviously are not sharing the same feelings and I need to move on. I explain this to her, she claims she's really upset and crying. She claims shes been in love with me for months, but is scared to get hurt, and doesn't know how to express her feelings without being vulnerable. I'm in shock, I apologize, explain why I thought I should move on, and if she feels that way I think we should move forward. Now she's not sure if we should keep talking cause I tried to break things off. Part of me feels its a cop out, and part of me feels I just really hurt her. opinions?
ja123 Posted February 12, 2012 Posted February 12, 2012 SIX months is a long time to just "talk" with someone. It sounds to me as though she has a lot of work to do on her end before she can have a relationship - this is out of your control and not your job to do, either. As hard as it is (because it's been an investment at this point), I think you should move on. No point in throwing good money after bad. Feel the pain now with the loss of this chick and save yourself more in the future. Good Luck!
westrock Posted February 12, 2012 Posted February 12, 2012 You did not screw up. How old is she? From what you wrote, she sounds emotionally immature and not ready for a real relationship. She claims shes been in love with me for months, but is scared to get hurt Something likely happened in her past where she was emotionally hurt from which she has not healed from. She claims shes been in love with me for months, but is scared to get hurt, and doesn't know how to express her feelings without being vulnerable. Have you two ever been on a date? Or just talking? Sounds like she's living in the fantasy of love as you two aren't even in a relationship. There is no way to express one's feelings without being vulnerable. She doesn't sound emotionally mature enough to be able to handle a relationship. Now she's not sure if we should keep talking cause I tried to break things off. That's twisted thinking. She doesn't realize that it was her failure to express herself that led to this point. Rather than accept responsibility for her own actions and failure to respond to your expression of interest she is instead blaming you for what has happened. Do you see how messed up that is? I agree with ja123, you should just move on.
Author here4her Posted February 12, 2012 Author Posted February 12, 2012 She's mid-late 20's, and she has been in a serious relationships before. I also know she has been hurt in the past. We have been on very few dates, she's told me shes more comfortable being at home (yet shes out with her friends every weekend) Most of the time we share together is at her place watching tv, a movie, or just sleeping. I think we've actually gone out maybe 3-4 times. I agree its crazy how all the sudden its my fault. I'll take part blame, maybe I made the wrong call, but it was her actions that led me to it.
westrock Posted February 12, 2012 Posted February 12, 2012 She makes it out to be all your fault as a self-defence mechanism so as to avoid having to accept responsibility for her actions which would mean that she would have to face her own past hurts. As long as she can blame you, she gets to stay in control of the situation and avoid facing her own past hurts. It's clear she's not ready to face her own past hurts because even after she expressed she's in love with you and you then suggested that you two should then move forward, she's still resistant and still avoiding responsibility by trying to place blame on you. The more you try to get closer to her, the more she pushes you away (even though she claims she's in love with you). Her behavior is a red flag and to me it sounds like she is committment phobic. You may want to read the book He's Scared, She's Scared by Carter and Sokol which describes behavior similar to the way she's been acting. Sadly, you're not likely to get any more than the psudo-relationship you've been experiencing with her so far, and unless she's willing to get therapy to heal her past hurts, there's really nothing you can do, except walk away.
Author here4her Posted February 12, 2012 Author Posted February 12, 2012 There is one other thing. I didn't wanna throw it all out there, but it may or may not be a factor. She's got this "best friend" who happens to be a guy. I recently had the privilege of meeting him. He wouldn't look at me, and constantly made his presence known to her. I am not friends with her on facebook, and both of out profiles are private. However I did wanna see what hes all about so I searched him out. I realized a couple weeks ago when she went MIA she was with him (and other people I think) A couple days after that when I asked her if we could spend the day and night together she replied she had a lot to do well that night he tagged her at the bar. The other night I couldn't sleep and I texted her around 10:30, she responded the next day saying she was asleep but the friend tagged himself at her house at 1:30 am. Last night we talked for about 20 min she had to go cause she was sick and going back to bed, but her friend tagged her at the bar with him. Yet she claims I should know she has feeling for me cause she invites me over. She doesn't know I know this, I know if I confronted her she would say I am being jealous (which I kinda am) but I'm more hurt shes just flat out lying.
Ninjainpajamas Posted February 12, 2012 Posted February 12, 2012 You're her security blanket and she's keeping you around because even though she doesn't love you or feel the same way, she's mimicking you leaving her like men have in the past...she has a fear of abandonment. You seem like a nice guy who is understanding and willing to be there for her...this is what other guys were not there for. For her you fill a void, and when you try to leave she reacts instinctively...It's like an animal, whenever you try to take something away from them they automatically try and prevent you from taking it (well some, you know what I mean), for her this is a natural instinctive thing to do due to her issues and past experiences. I wouldn't be around for this girl If I were you, you're just being used. You knew she was full of **** when she told you what she did, It was an act, you can see through that...trust your instinct on that and don't get into that never-ending circle of "well why did she do this then? well why did she say that?...you're never going to be able to wrap your head around it and you'll probably not understand things until you become more experienced but women harbor a lot of emotions and can be very erratic, and very impulsive to circumstances...It doesn't mean it's genuine, it's usually their vulnerability and issues taking over. That's why you see a lot of women out there say they want a good man and then the next day they end up with the ******* douchebag, many aren't in control with how they feel and what they do, so don't spend your endless nights trying to figure it out, women are unreliable in behavior a lot of the time and you have to be able to decipher what is them and what is their issues....their pain. Put your chin up, expect more because you deserve me...you seem like a nice guy trying to recover and tell her it was ok and you were so sorry...but it wasn't your fault, she's playing games...and that other guy she's probably banging every other night. So do yourself a favor and man up to the situation and just walk away, don't let this woman piss all over you and then you fall for the wounded angel trick...she's got a lot of problems...she's very damaged and you're not the kind of guy who's going to bring her around. You need more confidence, and experience for that, and she has to respect you and look up to you, right now she doesn't and just uses you and honestly isn't respectful of how you feel her her....that's not right.
Oxy Moronovich Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 Dump the chick and move on. And get a new username too. "here4her" sounds way too wussy.
turt Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 I also agree that the best thing to do is stay away. If she can't be honest, there's no reason to start a relationship.
Disenchantedly Yours Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 There is nothing wrong with you. You don't treat someone you love like she is treating you. She very well may be scared from past hurts but that isn't a justification to treat you this way. I totally agree with you that it's a cop out to tell you that she isn't sure she wants to keep talking because *you* wanted to break it off. Right now, this girl isn't in a healthy place and if she continues this way, she will bring you more heartache. I think moving on is best. Some people get into these types of relationships and it takes them years to get out of them. You can get out and move on now.
ScienceGal Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 She is emotionally unavailable. And, she does have abdonment fears. Take it from me, I just got done seeing someone for 6 months due to this exact issue. He was sweet, and perhaps a little more forthcoming with affection than your gal, but there was always something holding him back. I could feel it. Make the best possible decision with the information that you have.
Author here4her Posted February 14, 2012 Author Posted February 14, 2012 Is it possible to be in love with someone yet be scared of them? I have obvious reasons to be scared (stated above), but could her past really affect her to the point she wouldn't want to commit to someone cause she was scared to be hurt? I read and consider all the replies (which all say the same thing) I'm just curious if it was possible to just be scared of showing emotions due to the past you lived. I been through a hell of a lot more then this girl, yet if I really like someone they get all my attention.
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