After 3.5yrs we discussed marriage. The same wk I met his wife I never knew he had!

February 12, 2012

Hello My Love Shack Family:bunny:. I NEED IMMEDIATE ADVICE ON HOW TO GET HIM OUT OF MY THOUGHTS. PLEASE READ MY STORY AND HELP GIVE ME A SOLUTION:rolleyes:. THANK U IN ADVANCE!!!!

I would appreciate advice on how to get thoughts of a relationship gone badly out of my head. I want to move on but my brain keeps trying to find answers and I am so crushed.

So you do not have to read my entire problem if you do not wish I will summarize it in this paragraph:

SUMMARIZE:

I was in love with a man who claimed to love me. We dated for 3.5 going on 4 years. The day he told me he wanted to marry me and have children he also caused a huge unexpected fight between us. There was no warning that he would do this because he was buying me all sorts of gifts and being so loving the entire month. The breakup was painful because it was so unexpected. Less than a week later I went to his apartment (I have the keys) to leave his keys and I found my pictures everywhere. Memories of me all over the place and a woman in his bed. He seemed to have flown his wife in from Africa. She did not speak English. I asked him by phone who she was. He said his cousin. Yet the way he said it I knew it was untrue. When I asked if she was his wife, he said, "Think whatever you want." I never heard from him again.

I am confused. I am hurt. I can not stop crying and I feel so empty because I can not understand how we went from being so close to NOTHING at all. Please tell me love shack how do I get him out my head?????????? How do I move forward?

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Long Version

IN THE BEGINNING:

I met a guy completely opposite me in every fashion. He was definitely not the type of person I would ever date. Yet he pursued me hard and I gave him a chance. Out of that pursuit I fell in love with him. My first true love. I am 39 years old and I can tell you this man who was not what I was searching for was the man who stole my heart.

THE LOVE STORY:

It was so amazing. He told me he was more in love with me. We mutually called each other 3-4 times a day. We made an effort to go on a date once a week. We saw each other 3-4 times a week up until the day we broke up. Within 6 months of knowing him I had the keys to his apartment. Within 7 months of the relationship although I did not live with him he allowed me to decorate his place any way I liked.

THE CONFLICT:

What was preventing the marriage? A. He was in dept for over $42,000. B. He claimed to be a 7th Day Adventist who was an avid practitioner. I am not religious. C. He was married before and showed me his divorce papers. He did not want to rush into anything without having a solid foundation. D. I am a world traveler. I travel for pleasure. It is as important to me as his religion is to him. It makes up 50% of who I am.

The greatest problem between us was “B”. This was the meat and crust of anything wrong in our relationship because my days off were his days of worship. I love to go out and there was no way with his work schedule, college courses and my work schedule we could ever go anywhere greater than a half hour drive. We struggled, we fought but in the end we compromised so that we both got to keep a bit of what we needed to be complete.

THE BREAKUP: Two weeks ago after 3.5 years of a strong and close relationship he told me he wants to marry me and have kids. He had spent the last month going above and beyond with jewelry and trips. He spent money I did not think he had. Then the very day he talked about marriage he caused an awful argument between us. He told me to protect my soul and our unborn kids he would have to go deeper into the religion. He made a mistake spending Fridays with me and compromising on one Saturday a month going out with me. He said if we are to get into heaven he could no longer see me on a Friday, Saturday or Wednesday. He said if we respect each other that we can make it. I told him that was absurd. That means with your school and work we will only see each other once a week for a couple of hours on a Sunday. Not even enough to go to a movie together. He dug in his heels and said that he is not bending it is Gods will.

I was so furious I changed my phone number and cut contact with him for a week. Despite me changing my phone number I was certain that with time away and the realization that he was hurting me he would come to my home and fix everything. He did not. So Saturday when I thought he was in church I went to his apartment to drop off the keys. My pictures were all over his apartment. Pictures of us kissing and him and my brother. But on his bedroom floor bags were packed for Africa. Weaving hair was in his room. In his bed was a fat African woman. She did not speak English.

FAST FORWARD:

That evening I called him I asked who she was. He beat around the bush for 5 minutes if not longer and then said, “My cousin.” I knew it was a lie from his tone of voice. He had flown his wife in from Africa. He was married. I know because that evening he sent me a short email saying, “ I am truly in love with you. I am crushed by my own actions. I am terrified for what I have done to you. I don’t deserve your forgiveness. I would never in my right mind intentionally hurt you. My life is full of uncertainties. I love you I made so many mistakes but you are the greatest blessing of my life. You were not a mistake. I am crushed.”

I tried to email him a plea to fix things. I wanted to believe I was mistaken about that being his wife. But I never heard from him again. He responded to no emails and never came by my house. Then my mind remembered twice when I found him on the Internet on a dating site romantically talking to other women. He had justified it and I stupidly accepted it thinking he is Christian he would not hurt me.

MY PAIN:

I am alone. Hurt. Empty. Dating does not come easily for me. I am attractive but I find it nearly impossible to meet men who are serious about a relationship. I feel as if I will always be single and it disturbs me. I am also having such trouble getting the past with him out my head. I just keep feeling the loneliness and emptiness of not having him and wondering how all went so wrong so quick. Any advice?

February 12, 2012

IN THE BEGINNING:

I met a guy completely opposite me in every fashion. He was definitely not the type of person I would ever date. Yet he pursued me hard and I gave him a chance. Out of that pursuit I fell in love with him. My first true love. I am 39 years old and I can tell you this man who was not what I was searching for was the man who stole my heart.

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MY PAIN:
I am alone. Hurt. Empty. Dating does not come easily for me. I am attractive but I find it nearly impossible to meet men who are serious about a relationship. I feel as if I will always be single and it disturbs me. I am also having such trouble getting the past with him out my head. I just keep feeling the loneliness and emptiness of not having him and wondering how all went so wrong so quick. Any advice?

It looks like he was a default choice for not having found better. The whole romance sounds artificial and fed by the fact that he filled your emotional cravings.

It sounds like you were craving to being loved by just "someone"...Your BF could have been anyone, and you would have loved this "anyone" the same way.

I try not to be judgmental about cultures but actually in many African countries, polygamy is widespread and commonly admitted, so for him, maybe even for his wife, there is nothing shocking. It is not rare that immigrants have a double life, simply because fidelity would force them to be alone for years and years. He lied to you by omission because he knew that you wouldn't have accepted that.

The fact that he has made his wife come to his place sounds like a decision to move forward with her.

You sound like a decent and attractive women, you deserve better Run the hills !

February 12, 2012

Hello how are you? Thank you for responding I agree with you partially. He was not a default choice. I was dating several men before him. We had a strong chemistry and he wound up being the man I fell in love with. I am 39 years old so I can assure you I know I never felt the same for any man as i felt for him.

I agree I want to move on. I am here asking how do I mentally do this. I gave back the keys, changed my phone number, got rid of all his things. I simply can not make sense of all the lies. He did not lie by omission. I asked him. I asked his brother. He also showed me divorce papers. He lied out of intent. My issue is that I dont know how to mentally let go of our times together and our closeness. How do I erase these thoughts?

February 13, 2012

Um.. what I can tell you is a story to make you feel better. I had a friend that told me never to trust an African man. She said if an African man wants to marry you be careful. She said some of them get married and then take the wives back home to their village to meet the family. Thing is they won't be bringing you back. They will leave your ass in a village with people who don't speak english so you will be stuck with no way out. You could have been wife #___ you never know. Think of what could have been not what is. That might help. Sorry you are in pain but sometimes god has a way of saving us from going down a dark road and I think he saved you big time.

February 13, 2012

Emme...Your words scare me because I know this could have happend. I know your story is true. I can not lie and tell you, "Not my man, he would never." He once told me slavery was a good thing because it bought man closer to God. I told him that was ridiculous and how can any human suffering be a preferred state? How can he say that as an African who was born free from enslavement? How can he be religious and say such nonsense? He told me its true look at the kids today freedom has made them turn away from religion. They dont have any respect for much. He then jokingly said that if we have kids and if they were ever bad or disrespectful he felt we should leave them with his family in Africa for three months. Now I read your words and see he was not kidding. Back then I took all this rather lightly. I am so glad you wrote that it is jogging thoughts I forgotten about.

Emme I never been to Africa. I wanted to go with him last summer. He told me that he lives in a village and they wash using river water. Now I been to Laos and slept in the jungle so I was not too turned off. However, when he made it clear to me he is going to visit family and he will not be showing me around GHana, I decided to go to Thailand for the summer as he went to Africa.

Honestly I know I can get through this Emme. I will. I just don't like the fact as a scientist I have a strong need to solve the problem. I need answers. This breakup has left me baffled because the man I knew would have found a way to contact me. This man with the wife I dont know... Its like a mask he wore. All I want now is to stop thinking about the "WHY" and accept being single. How do you learn to love being single when you dont?

February 13, 2012

The person that told me was an older African woman. At first I thought she was trying to keep American women from African men but when she started talking. She broke the steps down in detail. Scared me straight. Never wanted to speak to an African man... never will.

If you are a scientist and you need to make sense of things, drown yourself in your work. For now keep your mind on things that has nothing to do with him. The years matter but like I said... look for the silver lining.

February 13, 2012

How do you learn to love being single when you dont?

You love yourself. Single is a relationship status. Becoming at peace with that state comes about by going through the grief process. It's OK to love the subset of zero (meaning not have any romantic interest in one's life) as long as one loves themselves. I think it's healthy to *want* that romantic/emotional connection but not to live life at its altar.

I moved on IRL by reconnecting with friends and burying my mother. Those processes refocused my priorities and helped the D grieving process to resolve to that place where it was OK to love the subset of zero.

Best wishes to you in your journey.

February 13, 2012

I thank you both. I blame myself for all of this. Not him. I was really in love with him and could not clearly see all the red flags. People warned me. Friends, family, etc. They all warned me even one of his friends told me. I was too far gone to listen. I blame myself because I have always been a loner. I can easily make friends, but I have only two friends. A coworker and a very compassionate exboyfriend. Outside of them i have no friends. So I blame myself for not being able to distract my thoughts. I have nobody to really lean on outside of my parents. I am starting now after this breakup to see that I did my whole life wrong.

I spent years traveling the world never wanting a husband or kids. Now I am 39 after he and I spoke of marriage, I saw his logic in all the reasons why I need to be married. I started to want what he wanted. But he did not want it. I do. NOt with him. But I want to start making friends and getting married and I pray I am not too old for any of this. I spent too much of my life advancing my career and obtaining my dreams. Never realizing the importance of love, marriage and children until now. So I blame myself for not having the proper outlet to deal with this loss. I cant even be angry at him. I am so angry at myself for not being prepared for this. How could I have not saw all the redflags? I did all this to myself because I should have been arming myself with friends and an outlet to grieve so I could have broke up along time ago when the first redflag popped up.

February 13, 2012

I thank you both. I blame myself for all of this. Not him. I was really in love with him and could not clearly see all the red flags. People warned me. Friends, family, etc. They all warned me even one of his friends told me. I was too far gone to listen. I blame myself because I have always been a loner. I can easily make friends, but I have only two friends. A coworker and a very compassionate exboyfriend. Outside of them i have no friends. So I blame myself for not being able to distract my thoughts. I have nobody to really lean on outside of my parents. I am starting now after this breakup to see that I did my whole life wrong.

I spent years traveling the world never wanting a husband or kids. Now I am 39 after he and I spoke of marriage, I saw his logic in all the reasons why I need to be married. I started to want what he wanted. But he did not want it. I do. NOt with him. But I want to start making friends and getting married and I pray I am not too old for any of this. I spent too much of my life advancing my career and obtaining my dreams. Never realizing the importance of love, marriage and children until now. So I blame myself for not having the proper outlet to deal with this loss. I cant even be angry at him. I am so angry at myself for not being prepared for this. How could I have not saw all the redflags? I did all this to myself because I should have been arming myself with friends and an outlet to grieve so I could have broke up along time ago when the first redflag popped up.

Padparadscha its good to reflect on things and see where we might have gone wrong so that we may learn and not repeat our mistakes, but I think you are being far too hard on yourself. You did your whole life wrong? That's not very likely. People take different paths and one path isn't neccesesarily more right or wrong than another path. I fell madly in love at sixteen years old, dropped out of school and had babies. The guy I was madly in love with wasn't all that madly in love with me and wasn't into raising kids. So I ended up poor, unskilled, uneducated, with two kids to raise by myself. You had the kind of life that I always envied when I was younger. You were an educated, finacially independant woman, travelling the world and living the life you wanted. I would have felt like a loser next to you....haha. I regret my decisions and know I made a lot of mistakes but it what it is. I can't change the past, all I can do is make the most of myself and my life right now.

This man did you wrong and you should blame him more than you blame yourself. Don't turn your anger inwards and blame yourself. What he did was cruel and heartless. I can see how you were vulnerable because I'm like you in that I'm introverted and a bit of a loner myself. I don't mind it usually because I really enjoy my own company and the company of the few people I've let into my life. But some years ago I had a situation similar to yours. Pursued hard by a man who was charming, sexy and could have had any woman he wanted. It was a whirlwind and one of the most exciting times I had ever expercienced. I felt so open and alive and it felt like the universe was smiling at me. This was followed by a heartless, cruel, unexpected breakup and I was devastated and lost. I had never been crushed like that before, and the guy who dumped me, who told me I was the love of his life, who told me that he wanted to marry me and grow old together, simply moved on to the next woman. I suffered for a long time after that and where I had always been happy by myself before I met this guy, now I hated it. It used to be that I was alone but not lonely. After our breakup I felt like I was being swallowed up by the loneliness.

OP this will pass and you will be happy again. You have to grieve and accept. In situation like this it can take longer to get over it but you will. It will help you to be kind to yourself and not let him off the hook. What he did was terrible terrible thing. You have to get to the point where you see him clearly because he is likely to try to come back at some point and you don't ever want to be vulnerable to him again. He will only hurt you.

February 13, 2012

My heart really goes out to you, OP. But I think you got the best end of this deal, and like Emme, I have stories, but don't want to make it seem like we are trash talking Africans.

Do know that you got the better end of this deal, even with a broken heart that I hope heals!

I'm so sorry that you found out about his W the way that you did. The only story I feel safe telling is about my aunt that found out on her wedding day that she was going to be W #4 and sent to his village for a "honeymoon". My family felt deceived since they dated for three years and he never told anyone of his cultural right to many wives.

Don't blame yourself, OP. Some people are very good at deception.

February 13, 2012

It was a whirlwind and one of the most exciting times I had ever expercienced. I felt so open and alive and it felt like the universe was smiling at me. This was followed by a heartless, cruel, unexpected breakup and I was devastated and lost.

Good evening loveshack members:

I must log off and go somewhere so I will respond to NoIDidn’t and LadyGrey in a few hours.

ALEXANDRIA35

I read your story and I simply see the blessings in it. God was watching out for you and your kids and guided you each towards a healthy and happy life. Behind all the pain, anxiety and fear God pulled you through and showed you the direction to being a single mother with success. Despite your education and financial status imagine having money but your health is in jeopardy. Look at poor Whitney Houston. That man got her hooked on drugs and her life was never the same. You see money and education always seem like a blessing. Sometimes it can also equal loneliness. It can intimidate men when they know your very accomplished and make more than they do. It also can be a magnet for men who are looking for you to play Sugar mama. Traveling feels like a calling because I am Sagittarius but reality is while I am jetting off because I am not dating a partner capable of jetting off with me, I am sad. There are so man single women who are in my position. Traveling solo for similar reasons. I supposed that is why I enjoyed him…He did not have a degree or money but was not intimidate by what I had. I spend many months helping him with his college classes and helping him to aim towards his degree. It felt nice being in a relationship where I we treated each other as equals.

I think your right. I am not truly upset with him. I am really trying to figure out what more I could have done. I am ignoring the wife because I am in such denial. I feel like it was all a dark dream. I can only think of the man I spent 3.5 year with who kept telling me he had never been happier in his life and he wished he met me long ago. The man who told me in what I thought was sincerity: You’re the most amazing person I ever met besides my mother. I wish I known you earlier.

I now understand that he kept repeating that because he truly wish he met me before he married. Your right I have not learned to be angry. I am simply too hurt that he has not contacted me. I broke it off with him, but when I went to try and see if I could compromise my needs further, he told me he cannot worship two Gods and I am too strong for him. That he has betrayed God by doing things for me on the weekends. Then that is when a few days later I saw the wife. Oh boy I feel so dumb. As your said Alexandria I thought It was a whirlwind and one of the most exciting times I had ever expercienced.

I must log off for now. I will be back to respond further to the others. Thank you guys

February 14, 2012

NoIdidn't I sent you a private message in response to your post to me.

LadyGrey thank you. SEriously thankyou ever so much because it is so hard on me. I know I will get through this. I know because I was on here back in 2003 and I thought I would die when my boyfriend brokeup with me without warning. Difference is I did not love him, he was simply the man who helped me get past years of built up pain from being raped. He helped me work though things and then left. Difference is he was still talking to me but never told me why. I found out later it was because he had terminal cancer and did not want me to see him going through the pain. He was afraid and protecting me, but I never knew until oneday he told me the story because he was improving and he felt stronger. So I know that I can get through this because many years ago I came to this site because I was feeling lost. Loveshack helped me out so very much. So I thank you for your words. Thank you!

My friend told me the same thing you did. She told me that he couldn’t contact me because he is a coward. She told me that I put a lot love into the relationship and he had to walk away because I forced him into a corner when I changed my mind about marriage and kids. I found out that I might not be able to have kids because of my fibroids being so huge. It was decision time. I needed to know what of 3 different procedures I should do because I literally had no time to wait, a decision had to be made. Either we try NOW to get pregnant. Or we go through a procedure to shrink the fibroids and allow me only 50% chance of having kids. Or we simply go have a hysterectomy and adopt. He tried to tell me he had to file for bankruptcy because of his dept he could not handle. He told me he wanted no money from me but until he gets a foundation he could not think of a family. So I asked him, "What then do we do because when we first started dating, you told me you want kids and you never had kids with your last wife because she couldn't. You made it clear to me you want kids and can't marry without them. You told me you don’t believe in adoption that it’s wrong." So he told me he would tell me his choice the next day. He needed to think about it because the topic is serious. I told him not to worry about money. If we are married we work as a team. This is when the next day he told me he wanted to marry me and he needed to go deeper into the church to save my soul and our unborn children. That he can no longer see me on Fridays and Saturdays. That for now we can only see each other for a few hours on the Sunday. His eyes looked possessed and he was scaring me because I knew he was serious. I felt there was no talking him down. We had a huge fight and the rest you know....

February 19, 2012

Please tell me what it the power behind no contact? It seems like when you know in your heart you gave a relationship your very best. When you want answers but the other party is so hateful after all these years they cant and wont give any...how does NC give you power when your hurting so badly? I am sure it is the logical way, but does it not tell they other party they were never that important to you? That your feelings just as their feelings, were also a lie?

February 19, 2012

You do NC for yourself, nobody else. You put your needs, your feelings, your recovery first. If the relationship is over then you have to be tough - his feelings do not matter (and why should they when he did not "feel" enough to give you what you wanted).

Look after yourself.

February 19, 2012

Anne goodmorning my dear. Thanks for writing. I feel like such an idiot. I am stronger than this why after all this time is it making me cry? He told me over & over he was overwhelmed by my love for him. That he never in his life known anyone...He told me he would move heaven and earth to...Yet he spent year after year hiding his wife & family in Africa. I still can not believe all of this. Its too hard to understand. He was searching on the internet for other women. Why play a game on someone helping him through college? I feel like such an idiot. EVERYONE warned me and I SAW nothing but a man deeply in love with me. Family and friends told me he was married, but he showed me divorce papers and told me there is no woman more perfect for him than me. The moment I found out he was married he was the one to do NO CONTACT and mean it. My NC was bullsh***. His was extreme.

February 19, 2012

Please tell me what it the power behind no contact? It seems like when you know in your heart you gave a relationship your very best. When you want answers but the other party is so hateful after all these years they cant and wont give any...how does NC give you power when your hurting so badly? I am sure it is the logical way, but does it not tell they other party they were never that important to you? That your feelings just as their feelings, were also a lie?

I went NC with my ex. The first time we broke up, I knew nothing about NC. He just did it to me, although he wasn't strict about it. This time, I did it to him. My ex is a terrible person so I needed to heal away from him. I could not heal with him calling me all the time and throwing his new gf in my face. I knew if I was ever to feel better again, I would have to have no contact whatsoever with him.

I don't believe in stereotyping any group of people, so I don't believe all AFrican men are bad. However, the African man I dated many, many years ago was ridiculous. I don't believe most African men have more than one wife. From what I know, it is the men of high status that do. There are also some cultures in which a woman has more than one husband.

Edited February 19, 2012 by CopingGal

February 20, 2012

how do u get him out of your head..?

for now.....1) keep a regular routine going. this tells the brain...there are some things you can still count on. it confirms it. repetition of good things you look forward to in a day.

2) keep a journal of ALL the good things that happen to you in a day. I dont care if its something little like ...the sun came out today. i wore that dress i never put on and wanted to wear... write down all the little accomplishments. this journal should not have anything bad in it. only focus on the good. the brain will eventually start seeing good again and you will feel better, about little things...that your brain wouldn't have noticed in grief. the brain does work with the heart. the mind..a thought...can take flight and reach the heart. focus on all the good. write i got out of bed. i put dishes away. those are accomplishments ...especially when your grieving. give yourself credit.

3) when you feel compelled to think of him. time it. dont go deep into it. give it no more then an hour. set a timer. know that grieve, regret, desire, hope, anger, fear, shock ...are all normal. the idea is do not get stuck in one single emotion. let them move. anger cancels grief, grief cancels anger, etc. momentarily. these feelings will wax and wain. the idea is you want to feel joy again. and come to acceptance. and the hope life can and will feel meaningful again without him.

4) ride a bike, swim, get outdoors. do something healthy that made u feel good as a kid or does as an adult.

5) override the memories. what does this mean? sounds crazy but...if you have to be where he was with you..take a friend to that place and do something fun and happy. that you will always remember to make it a new memory about the place. so when u pass this place and you think of him, you can also tell your mind/brain...wow that was fun with my friend. she made me laugh about this place. we had a nice lunch there. this place doesnt solely belong to him and i. override the memories...of places that remind u. or stay away from them now. walk strong through your life as best as u can and then you know what? yep...write it down. i conquered bad feelings today with a good replacement memory.

6) this should have been NUMBER 1. pray. ask God for strength and courage and most of all wisdom and peace, and direction.

7)little things you do to treat yourself add up. this doesnt mean spend lots of money and go in debts. this means you see a sandwich u like...wanta buy it..it makes you happy for feel good for 5 minutes. get it. enjoy it. little things add up. this doesnt mean add to your waistline and do comfort eating. this is a treat ..nothing more. this doesnt mean...see a drink and become a lush. ..which bring me to number 8.

8) dont do any drugs and go to alcohol. this is really a depressant and never lead to anything good in the long run and in this state of mind will always add insult to injury in the end.

9) loveshack. lol yes. it helps. and when it reminds u too much. take a break. you can always return. but vent here when u want. and know people have gone before u and come out the other side.

10) keep an open heart and mind so that you can and will meet someone else again. thats all i can say

11) get hugs from family and friends. and dont talk too too much about your grief...just enough to someone who will listen and makes u feel all the more better for it. dont take advantage. people can only take so much sadly. especially when they feel helpless.

12) omg this is soo sooo important. this WILL help bigtime. HELP OTHERS!!

i dont care if you go to a hospital visit and cheer up a friend or elderly person. write and try to help another on love shack. it does say in the good book....to associate with the lowly . that does not mean people who will bring you all down. but to lift them up and be helpful..period. give, happily and NOT expect anything in return. the reward for that alone is devine. its internal and i hope eternal.

13) balance. we may be made at someone. but understand. yep. he had issues. he wanted the best of both worlds. he was wrong. but if at all possible...understand to the extent that he had issues.

14) dont brow beat yourself. forgiveness is not just about others...you need to forgive yourself. and have human compassion for yourself ...as you would for another too. to go on...move forward.

15) balance. again. balance alone time and people time. its good to be alone, and its not always good to be alone. interact when you can. but dont push it.

16) grieving is like being sick. if you need a day off of work...take it. stay in bed. spoil yourself. sometimes we have to rest.

17) time. give it time. do these things and give it time. after awhile as new people or events take place in your life you will think of him less and less or it will go on its proper shelf..of acceptance.

18) repeat this process. read over after you do.

this helped me. i wish you well in your journey. God bless you.

ps i am sleepy. i hope i typed this out to have it make sense to you

Edited February 20, 2012 by IfiKnewThen

February 20, 2012

Thank you all I will read your post to me over and over again. I will print them out and keep them with me. IfIknewthen, I just want to say thank you so much I am truly going to study your post to me. One thing I will tell you is that I have not done drugs, drinking, or any other abusive things. I am not a drinker but I admit feeling a strong desire to grab one. However I do not because I realize that this pain is a gift. I am simply not understanding the gift.

It is hard when you give your heart to someone and you place trust into them. I did all I could for him. I helped him with his college papers, taught him to type, Artistically painted his apartment, gave him a loan, helped him find the proper doctors when I found out he spent his entire life walking with pain...I was there in his life strong and serious yet he told me before he told me he has to go back into the church and can no longer see me that I was "Too strong. Too powerful."

Why do all men feel this way about me? I asked this of my 82 year old grandmother. She told me it is the curse of the women in our family. Lawyers, doctors, buisness women and teachers and yet all the women are single and divorced or unmarried. I am the only one with no children and she said I am even stronger than the others.

I told her I do not get it. She said, "You travel the world and you have no children. You have no bills. You may not feel strong but you are very strong and that is intimidating. You will not accept living in an apartment with roaches where another woman will. His wife moved into his apartment you would not unless it was roach free. You want to go out on a dates. He dated you for 3.5 years. The courtship is over. He was ready for marriage to you. You were ready for him but your ready was not his ready. He never wanted things the way you wanted with the picture perfect relationship your parents have. He now decided he wants you only on Sunday because he has to be his true self. There is a woman out there that will accept that where you wont. He knows you do not want to be with him and he has a wife. Yet I know he can find a woman who will turn a blind eye and have a threesome with him if he ask. The wife is not going anywhere they were arranged probably since kids. So you join or go. You cant fit into his world and he knows it. He hoped you would, but he realized your too strong. The world is not as simple as one woman, one man. The women who have that have found their bestfriend and that is rare because true friends are hard to find."

This conversation with grandma depressed me. I realize she is right. Besides my parents I dont know any woman on either side of my family who is not single or in a loveless marriage. My parents are the only ones together and truly the very best of friends. I am the only one who does not have children. I am the most independent woman on both sides of my family, yet I dont want to be single, whereas they are happily single. Oh gosh it is all so much to process and like ladygrey said, "When the truth came out, it was devastating and shocking because everything that I believed was real about him and about us, was not. I think women who find themselves in similar situations such as ours, feel much of the same emotions as a BS because our realities are nothing as we thought and we thought we had a legitimate relationship and a future with the man."

February 22, 2012

LadyGrey I appreciate your post. I suppose its hard to get upset with the other person when you feel you ignored all the redflags. I could be angry and upset, but "He showed me who he was, I just chose to believe his words." It is like that song with Shaggy, "To be a true player you have to know how to play

If she say it night, convince her say it day

Never admit to a word when she say and if she claims

And you tell her baby no way

But she caught me on the counter (It wasn't me)

Saw me kissin' on the sofa (It wasn't me)

Saw me bangin' on the sofa (It wasn't me)]

I even had her in the shower ". So his friend says no matter what say, "It wasn't me." We laugh at that song and say, "Yeah right, whose going to believe that?" Well I was the victim of that. A woman called my phone 6 months into our relationship and asked me why I was calling her man. She called me on his phone. I allowed him to convince me that it was an ex that would not let go and wanted to destroy what he had with me. I saw his phone and saw women texting him, "Honey", "Sweetheart", etc. I chose to believe him when he said they were all married women who simply address him like that and there was nothing to it. He told me things and I trusted that he was too religious to lie. Besides he spent most of his time with me. We chose each other it was not a forced relationship so I just took his words as truth. Is that his fault I chose to listen to his denials rather than view his behavior? I don't think so. Its my fault. He had a wife in Africa. I asked him several times and he denied it yet, I can not be upset now that I know it was true because I was the jackass that had rose colored glasses on and believed his words rather than his actions. You see I always questioned him about being religious. I am not, but I used to be very deep into religion. I could not see or feel the spirit in him. In all the years I known him it always baffled me how he could worship all day long on a Saturday and yet he did not seem like a strong Christian in my eyes. I did not want to judge. Now I realize my instinct was always right.

Anyhow a friend sent me this utube video and I am finally truly ready to move on.This video has redirected me and I realize now that I am wrong to hold onto this pain. I truly feel stronger now and I hope if any of you are ever hurting you watch this because it is helping me move on: Madea Gives Relationship Advice – Break Your Shackles - BreakYourShackles

February 22, 2012

LadyGrey, I appreciate your words. Your story is sickening. Nobody deserves to be treated like that because it makes any woman feel like a prostitute. You are "the other woman" even though you think you’re the only woman. This is a rape. It is a violation also of your beliefs and your right to chose. He took away your right to choose by parading around as yours when he was not. He placed you in a position where your free will was gone because you were living in his lie. It’s awful and that is in no way shape or form forgivable. Just as what was done to me feels like a violation if not a rape. I did not want to be "The other woman." I did not set out to participate in a game. He met my family he knows the type of person I am and what my dreams are. I don't know if you are anything like me but I have grown up with two parents completely in love with each other. So naturally I look for someone who can be like that with me. Yes, they argue and fight. Yes they had rough patches. However over 40 years together they diet together, exercise together, go out to dinners, dance, vacation, plays, lots of gifts ect. My brother is 32 year old and has cerebral palsy and mental retardation. They put him in a home a few years ago because he got difficult to manage. However not a week goes by that they do not go and visit him and take him out and buy him new clothing. My brother has a wonderful like and he knows his family because despite being in a residential home, they always are a part of him. Those two are a couple that I honestly believe EVERYONE wishes they could be like with someone. So, I am the type of person who if I meet someone I will work with their flaws. I normally have very long relationships with men and breaking up is simply a matter of we have grown in different directions and need to let go.

What "he" did was so cruel I cannot wrap my head around it because he played with my life and my goodness that’s how someone also plays with your health. He lied so well. I would have given him the $42,000 he needed to get out of dept. He knew that. He knew that if we got married I would do that. He was not after my money because he was 100% certain I would help him. So I will never know what he really wanted me for. I WOULD BE IN A HOSPITAL RIGHT NOW IF HE DID TAKE MY MONEY AND THEN I FOUND OUT HIS DIRTY SECRETS. Goodness I would take my revenge and call immigration on his ass. I would have full investigations done. So he is lucky it did not play out where it was a lie and he took my money. This is simply a horrible broken heart and betrayal. LadyGrey that would be enough to get me really pissed off. Whatever it was he was looking for, he was acting trapped and cornered and out of time. He could not execute whatever plan he had for me. So he lied and said, “I can not worship two Gods and by hanging out with you on Friday and Saturday I am losing my grace from God. I can no longer see you accept on a Sunday becaue I made a mistake ever compromising to be with you. If you respect my religion we can be together still.” This was a setup. He knew I would never agree to something that was impossible to do with my work schedule and his. He knew the outcome. He was trapped. He had no choice but to say those words because his plan was falling apart. YET I WILL NEVER KNOW WHAT HIS PLAN WAS. WHAT WAS HIS INTENTIONS ALL ALONG?

He lied so well that I have no desire to hunt around the Internet dating sites or go to singles events. I feel that there are too many predators out there. That sure they might want to be loved but I don’t believe they want what my parents have (true commitment and friendship). I am too strong my grandma and my other ex I known for seventeen years thus far, told me. That particuliar ex told me that I am an Alpha female with extreme beta sensitivity and I have to stop dating Alpha males. Regardless of what “my problem” is I believe that I was in a wonderful relationship and I was so happy. It was all his illusion. How did he pull that off and I had keys to his apartment and saw NOTHING? He was damn good. But what was the game? What was the purpose? That is what I am letting go of. Letting go of the need to know. That is why this link helped me: Madea Gives Relationship Advice – Break Your Shackles - BreakYourShackles

February 22, 2012

Remember you are the lucky one, you have truth about who he really is. Sadly his wife does not.

She knows. I told you when I went to the apartment her extremely fat ass over 300 pounds was in his bed sleeping. My pictures were all over the apartment. The personalized book I made for him with our names and pictures on it were on the dresser beside her. A poster of the two of us advertising the book was on his wall. Pictures of my brother and him were on the refrigerator. She was apart of this scam as well. She knew me. This is what makes no damn sense. She knew who I was because he took nothing down. My hair products and perfume was on his dresser. She knew me. She was in on whatever this game was that I will never understand. I never knew about her but she knew about me. He never once told me ANYONE was coming up from Africa. Never once. He claimed it was his cousin coming to stay for three months when I asked him about her. This was after 5 minutes of beating around the bush. When I asked him where he was sleeping he said Africans are not like Americans we sleep in the same bed. Then he told me he had to shower and I never heard from him again. He never responded to emails or text or anything. I got one message from him, but this was two days before I saw her. He said: Ohh my God for the first in my life I'm so terrified, I feel so horrible and restless because I let you go babe knowing that you need me. I let you down...I'm a looser. I truly love you and you're never a mistake in my life but you're a tremendous blessing. My life is full of uncertainties. I in my right mind will never do anything intentionally to hurt you. I made a terrible mistake not on your part but my part. I've put myself in a position in such a way that I've crushed by my own action. Now I'm so terrified and scared for what I put you through. I don't even deserve forgiveness from you.

After that message, I went to his apartment. I saw her and never again heard from him after he said he was just a cousin that he slept in the bed with. However, I am not that big of a fool. THAT WAS NOT A COUSIN. THAT WAS HIS WIFE AND I FELT IT WITH EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING. NOT TO MENTION EVERYONE I EVER TALKED TO TOLD ME YEARS AGO, THAT MAN IS MARRIED. HE GOES TO AFRICA EVERY YEAR, HE HAS A WIFE. He went to Africa twice for a month and a half, in the three years we dated.

February 22, 2012

The problem was that you were never a match for this guy. You do not share his faith or beliefs. That is bound to create problems down the line when your beliefs are so different than his. If you had married, how would you have raised your children when you both have such different beliefs about religion? It sounds like he had his doubts about the permanency of your relationship also, if he was going on dating websites a couple of times prior to your breakup. Chalk it up to experience and lesson learned--don't date men whose faith and beliefs are different than your own. That is what caused your breakup.

February 22, 2012

Kathy, thank you for your feedback. Trust me if this was strictly about religion then he would not cease contact with me. He would not be so heartless in how he handled things. We were too close. There was no reason for such extreme measures. He treated me as if I had done something like cheat on him or worst. He was acting as if I were a DEVIL or his mortal enemy. At first I thought as you did, but his behavior, behind his excuse, seemed too EXTREME and over the top cruelly executed. He was down right nasty and it was uncalled for because I did nothing to upset him. The entire thing was too unreal which is why I went back to his apartment less than a week later to tell him I dont want to be away from him. Yet she was there. That was his wife and I am certain. He was hiding things and he was lying. He often told me "I wish I met you first" I kept saying, "You know me now. Why does it make a difference." He said, "It doesn't its just back then I would not have married her. I would have been with you." I took that to mean his ex-wife from America. Everytime he got sad he would say, "I wish I met you before."

I dont think he was an Adventist. I never saw religion in him. If he was we had worked it out. We had compromised so that we spoke about how we would raise the kids and how we would be a family. We started the relationship knowing it was going to be hard. We knew this and we alway agreed that we would work together to build our future besides and with our beliefs.

February 22, 2012

Kathy, thank you for your feedback. Trust me if this was strictly about religion then he would not cease contact with me. He would not be so heartless in how he handled things. We were too close. There was no reason for such extreme measures. He treated me as if I had done something like cheat on him or worst. He was acting as if I were a DEVIL or his mortal enemy. At first I thought as you did, but his behavior, behind his excuse, seemed too EXTREME and over the top cruelly executed. He was down right nasty and it was uncalled for because I did nothing to upset him. The entire thing was too unreal which is why I went back to his apartment less than a week later to tell him I dont want to be away from him. Yet she was there. That was his wife and I am certain. He was hiding things and he was lying. He often told me "I wish I met you first" I kept saying, "You know me now. Why does it make a difference." He said, "It doesn't its just back then I would not have married her. I would have been with you." I took that to mean his ex-wife from America. Everytime he got sad he would say, "I wish I met you before."

I dont think he was an Adventist. I never saw religion in him. If he was we had worked it out. We had compromised so that we spoke about how we would raise the kids and how we would be a family. We started the relationship knowing it was going to be hard. We knew this and we alway agreed that we would work together to build our future besides and with our beliefs.

He sounds like an extremist and a crazy guy. I think you dodged a bullet there.

February 22, 2012

Yes I did Kathy, but I lost what I thought was my bestfriend. I loved that man for many years. He was always who he shows me now. I just ignored it. No other song fits better than Shaggy's, "It wasn't me". Kathy I got away luckily. I am blessed. Yet, it does not change the fact that I truly cared so much about that man. His happiness was important to me. His life was important to me. I regret that there was no truth in him. Had there been truth I would have held his hand and I would have listened years ago. Then we would have been great friends despite it all. Honesty is so important. Without that there is no way anything can be right.

Thanks Kathy for responding. Be at peace and have a wonderful day.

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After 3.5yrs we discussed marriage. The same wk I met his wife I never knew he had!

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