reptilelover88 Posted February 12, 2012 Posted February 12, 2012 Hi everyone, Well I have bounced back and moved on to my next crush... This one I met through a choir I just joined at college. When I met him it was one of those rare moments when you feel like the world stops (I don't believe in love at first sight, but infatuation or a 'connection' definitely). We stood there in the freezing cold just gawping at each other for quite a few seconds and then we had a nice but quite nervous conversation which we resumed after our rehearsal ended. I kept catching him looking at me during the rehearsal with that 'soft eyed' look and it was pretty obvious to me that he liked me. When I talked to him he seemed lovely and interesting but shy, and we didn't get very long to talk alone. When I saw him again yesterday at our concert it was also positive; he was shy at first but then he made an effort to come and speak to me before and after the concert. I chatted to some other people for a while but then we talked again and only ended our conversation when he had to leave for a rehearsal elsewhere. So, I've met him twice now and I feel like there is a connection that I'd like to explore even if I'm not sure what I want at the moment. He seems like a very interesting person and I'd like to get to know him better. There is certainly sexual attraction there but for me, that weird connection feeling is even stronger. Most of our time together has been spent either rehearsing or socialising in a group so I haven't spoken to him very much alone. The only problem is that he is 18 and I am 22 (3 years apart in school years). I feel like it's quite a big age gap, perhaps too much for a relationship at this stage but not too much to want to get to know him better. Seeing as I'm older and more confident, and it seems pretty certain that he likes me, I was wondering whether I should ask him out. We have just done a concert so the choir is taking a break from rehearsals now. I don't know when I'm going to see him again, certainly not in the next few weeks. Therefore my only way of contacting him is through Facebook (we're friends; I added him after our first meeting). I was thinking of sending him something like this: Hey X, It was a shame you had to leave so soon yesterday; I was enjoying talking to you. Would you like to go for a coffee some time this week? What do you all think? I don't mind being rejected so much as being thought of as creepy or predatory. Should I do it, and is he likely to accept if I do? Does it look desperate? Or on the other hand, is coffee a cop-out that HE could misinterpret as 'just friends'? I wonder whether I'm once again mistaking friendly signals for something more. It'll make choir very awkward in future if he says no! But then again, I'm graduating in a few months and I don't feel I have much to lose apart from a bit of bruised pride.
gaius Posted February 12, 2012 Posted February 12, 2012 I think it would be better to hint him into asking you out, unless your comfortable with doing most of the driving in the relationship. Maybe if you get into a conversation on facebook chat you can say you want to go see this movie but have nobody to go with, or this place has great coffee but you don't like going alone and don't have anyone to go with. If none of that works then just ask him straight out.
Eclypse Posted February 12, 2012 Posted February 12, 2012 I think that's a pretty cute message. I don't think the age difference would be a problem for me (that's assuming he has the same thought patterns as me though). Perhaps though you might want to get into a facebook chat with him though and then lead into meeting up. A direct message sent like that might throw him a bit. But then it doesn't really matter either way; he will know your intentions and it will be up to him to respond accordingly. I must commend you though for deciding to take initiative. Most girls choose to wait for the guy to ask them out. If he is shy that could take a long time (if he even musters the courage to do it anyway) so being proactive is a good approach. Good luck!
kaylan Posted February 12, 2012 Posted February 12, 2012 I say go for it. Ask him to chill. However, I will tell you that for people under 21, a lot of maturing and learning about life goes on year my year. Hell I didnt feel like I really had a handle on things until I was 23. Im 25 now btw. When I was 22, I was with an ex who was 19 going on 20. I could really feel the age difference in the relationship because of the way she reacted emotionally to certain things. I was her first for a lot of things too btw. There were times were I kinda felt overwhelmed by the life experience gap and would think "gosh I woulda acted like this 3 years ago...I wish she wouldnt be like this." At the time it just felt like she was sometimes playing catch up to where I already was with life and dating experience. I was pretty immature myself though and still learning how to handle a real relationship too. But Im sure if I dated a 28 yr old woman right now, she might feel that way about me...since Im just out of school and still partying and what not. While your typical 28 yr old single gal nay be looking to settle down soon So Im just letting you know my experience. But I do wish ya the best. Def ask him out and give it a shot. I would have felt super awesome when I was 18 if a 22 chick wanted to date me =)
Zaphod B Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 The age difference is nothing. Definitely ask him out! Of course ask him out! This is the 21st century, you don't have to go by old fashioned traditions any more. If he's shy then it will be a blessing to him that he doesn't have to do all the work. It takes the pressure off him. I was painfully shy as a young adult and it was stressful to ask a woman I liked out. Most of the time I just chickened off. If he's anything like me he'll be so happy that you asked him out, even if he's not romantically interested in you. It will make his day.
Author reptilelover88 Posted February 13, 2012 Author Posted February 13, 2012 Wow, thanks for all the positive responses! I'm pleased that the general consensus doesn't seem to be that it would be desperate or weird for me to ask him out. I think I'm going to do it because I get such a strong impression that he likes me but is very shy. I wish I could do it in person, and I would, but I don't know when I'm going to see him again. It might have to be a slightly awkward Facebook message since he never seems to come on chat, but I have a feeling he'll like it! Let's see. If I do ask him out I'll keep you updated.
musemaj11 Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 This girl is going to ask the guy out on a coffee date. How come no woman is calling her cheap?
Author reptilelover88 Posted February 13, 2012 Author Posted February 13, 2012 Lol, I'd happily take him out for a nice dinner but I reckon that would scare the living daylights out of him at this stage, being as young and shy as he is! Asking to go for coffee is less fun but less of a risk...
musemaj11 Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 Lol, I'd happily take him out for a nice dinner but I reckon that would scare the living daylights out of him at this stage, being as young and shy as he is! Asking to go for coffee is less fun but less of a risk... I agree, but the women here on LS love to say that taking someone out on a coffee date is cheap.
mortensorchid Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 I am 37. This is my old age talking here, but now that I have reached the point in life in which I have, I would have to say that you should not take the initiative and ask him out. I've done it in the past (what woman hasn't?), but you will be better off if he asks you. Why? You said so yourself that he is nervous and awkward, so if you do the asking then you are in command for the entire relationship and he is not. And ultimately he will end things because he secretly resents the fact that he gave that over to you. Don't believe me? Try it, and you'll be hurt. These things are hard to accept for anyone, be they male or female, whatever age you may be, socio economic backgrounds, etc. But, if he does not do the asking, then he is simply not interested. You may think to yourself "He's shy", and based on what you have said, he very well may be. But, if he wanted something, anything badly enough, he would get off his can and get it. We're dealing with people's egos here. But, there will be others who you will like just as much or even better.
kaylan Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 (edited) ^I disagree with all of that. If a guy likes a girl, he wont care if she takes the initiative. Hell, we gladly welcome an assertive gal if we actually like her. You are simply just from a different generation where not many women did any asking. Plus I think you are simply speaking from old wounds. Ive had a couple gals ask me out, and the last gal who did was actually someone I had my eye on since I first saw her. She just beat me to the punch. The fact that she asked me to chill gained her so many kool points in my book. Edited February 13, 2012 by kaylan
musemaj11 Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 I am 37. This is my old age talking here, but now that I have reached the point in life in which I have, I would have to say that you should not take the initiative and ask him out. I've done it in the past (what woman hasn't?), but you will be better off if he asks you. Why? You said so yourself that he is nervous and awkward, so if you do the asking then you are in command for the entire relationship and he is not. And ultimately he will end things because he secretly resents the fact that he gave that over to you. Don't believe me? Try it, and you'll be hurt. These things are hard to accept for anyone, be they male or female, whatever age you may be, socio economic backgrounds, etc. But, if he does not do the asking, then he is simply not interested. You may think to yourself "He's shy", and based on what you have said, he very well may be. But, if he wanted something, anything badly enough, he would get off his can and get it. We're dealing with people's egos here. But, there will be others who you will like just as much or even better. How many guys did you ask out in your lifetime? 100? 500? or TWO?
Author reptilelover88 Posted February 13, 2012 Author Posted February 13, 2012 I just sent the message, pretty much as I wrote it here. Omg, it's quite ridiculous how nervous I get sending a bloody Facebook message I'm now worried he's going to ignore it... awkward... but hopefully not seeing as I did ask him out directly! Watch this space.
veggirl Posted February 14, 2012 Posted February 14, 2012 I just sent the message, pretty much as I wrote it here. Omg, it's quite ridiculous how nervous I get sending a bloody Facebook message I'm now worried he's going to ignore it... awkward... but hopefully not seeing as I did ask him out directly! Watch this space. Awesome, good luck! :bunny: I liked the message, sweet and to the point. Be careful now though not to take the lead too much from here on out!
Author reptilelover88 Posted February 14, 2012 Author Posted February 14, 2012 Well, he said no. Or he might as well have done, because he said he's too busy to meet up and he'll see me at the next rehearsal :-( Apparently he's been 'away for the weekend with his ex after a messy break-up'. Ouch. I feel so stupid, wish I had never asked him... How could I have misread the situation so badly? Feeling like a total idiot right now!
kaylan Posted February 14, 2012 Posted February 14, 2012 Eh, dont let it discourage you hun. At least you went for it. Its always good to grab for the things you want instead of leaving yourself wondering "what if?" Dont allow this experience to keep you from going after a guy you like in the future. Sometimes you get a date, sometimes ya dont. Its also possible that hes digging ya but not ready to date anyone due to ex drama. I know whenever I was just out of a relationship, I was in no state of mind to actively date...even if I did dig a chick, I was still healing and needed time to recoup first. Such is life.
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