aimyd Posted June 3, 2004 Posted June 3, 2004 First - sorry for the length of this post! Perfect 4 year relationship (living together for 3 of those years). Literally!! Like the kind that everybody wants. We got along amazingly, we were best friends, had amazing sex, open communication and the time of our lives together. It was the relationship and man of my dreams. We were coming up on or 4th anniversary (November 03) and I just knew we were getting engaged anytime now. Why? Because he told his grandfather durring the summer (which he shared this info with me) that we would be engaged by the end of the year. In September 03, he started business school part time while he worked full time and I started school full time while I worked part time. We had moved into a small apartment to save money to get married so studying at home really wasn't an option. He also does Karate and H20 Polo so needless to say, we were not seeing very much of each other. Since I had began part time work, we also took quite a bit of a pay cut for the household (about 1/4 my usual pay). Then my car was broken into and burglarized at school which cost us quite a bit of money. October 03 - Since things had been tough and there was some stress, we sat down, talked about it and we decided that we had to designate a date night (Friday) since neither of us had time to breathe! Things were going a little bit better....and then I found out I was pregnant (which I later found out that he blames me for it). Yeah...that's probably what killed it right there. He was very supportive = came home from work and skipped school the day I found out, went with me to the Dr. to confirm. We had decided together that there was no way that we could bring a child into this world this way, so we decided on abortion. After having to wait a week, he went with me for the "procedure" and then he never spoke of it. I tried to get him to talk, but he just closed up about it....so I gave him his space. I was trying to respect the fact that this was major and not everybody deals with things the same way. November 03 - He became very busy with his life and I got the feeling by his actions that he wasn't thinking of me at all. He forgot to tell me that he bought our tickets to Miami-Thanksgiving and Rio-Christmas. He didn't tell me that after 3 weeks of not seeing him due to studying for finals that on our "date night' that we had set up he was going to a school function to celebrate the end of finals and significant others were not allowed until the night before. So, since I felt this way for a couple of weeks and it was bothering me, I knew I had to bring it up. I did...communicated very well, without emotion and he validated everything that I said. He said that he wanted to think about it for a week (should have known then). The weekend before our anniversary which was coming up that Wednesday, I gave him his gift on Friday night. 2 tickets to the Lakers game that Sunday night, 8 rows from the floor. He was thrilled of course...we still hadn't talked and I didn't push it. Finally Sat. night, he asks me when were going to talk about "all this". I said anytime and he proceeds to tell me that he thought about it all and he doesn't want to get married for 4 or 5 more years, that I have to quit school and go back to work and that we need to take a step back in our relationship. I obviously became very upset at that point and pointed out to him that what he was saying was that he didn’t want to be in a relationship. There was no working on anything, it was just over. He decided he is too busy. I moved out a month later. Car broke down the day I moved out (New Years Eve, which also happens to be his birthday) and I had to get a new one. Then my grandfather passed away about 3 weeks later. Had to get a new job (full time) so that I could adequately support myself. To say the least, I had a life make over at the beginning of this year! It was probably one of the most difficult 4 months of my life!!! I didn’t know how I would ever make it. Everybody was shocked and swears that he must have been cheating on me. I of course asked him if he was and he swears on the fact that I am the only girlfriend he had that he did NOT cheat on. How do I move on? I thought this man was my soul mate! I can’t imagine ever finding the happiness that we had together again! We are in touch, which I know I should probably break the tie. He still wants to be friends of course. Do I keep in touch in hopes that he will see one day, or do I just cut all contact and move on? How can 4 years of bliss fall apart in 2 months?
FreeMe Posted June 3, 2004 Posted June 3, 2004 There could be feelings about the abortion that he hasn't acknowledged to you or himself. Maybe it scared him. Maybe he's angry. Here's a true story: I was friendly with a guy years ago who had gotten his girlfriend pregnant. He wanted her to get an abortion. She really wasn't thrilled about the idea, but knew without him she couldn't take care of the baby. I guess they went back and forth with it and he really wanted her to get an abortion. So she did. After she did he had all kinds of anger towards her for doing it!! I remember talking to him about it. I said I thought he had wanted her to get an abortion and he agreed that he did, and he really couldn't explain his feelings but he was extremely angry at her for going through with it - even though he was the one who pushed it. It was like, it was HIS "seed" and SHE aborted it. Totally unfair, but that's how he felt. I wonder if there are underlying feelings that stemmed from that.
Author aimyd Posted June 3, 2004 Author Posted June 3, 2004 I have no doubt that it scared him. After we broke up and I forced him to talk to me since he never gave me an answer on why he just gave up on us without trying, he admitted that after he was afraid to have sex with me and he blamed me (anger). I understand the fear and anger, but we always worked though all of our issues. All of a sudden he just stops and walks away? It's not fair. We both made the decision. Did I just find out that he's not man enough to deal with real issues? I guess I still don't understand how he could just walk away after all that time. It made me feel like the whole 4 years was a facade! How can somebody just turn it off like that?
FreeMe Posted June 3, 2004 Posted June 3, 2004 I think sometimes men will try to turn off their painful emotions (the hurt and fear associated with the abortion and all that), and they end up turning off all of their emotions. Maybe it's temporary and he needs time to get over it. I can understand how you must be feeling though. My boyfriend is going through a divorce and he's shut off his emotions and unfortunately his feelings for me have diminished because of it. He says they haven't, but other times he kind of admits they have. It could be that your boyfriend doesn't know how to deal with major problems, but it also could be just this one that has him messed up. Has he ever seemed like he had a problem like that before? It sounds like you really did have a good relationship - good communication and a lot of maturity (I have no idea how old you are). Maybe he just needs some time to sort through his emotions, but if he continues to feel like he doesn't want to make a serious committment for the next 4 or 5 years, then there's nothing you can do.
julieg Posted June 3, 2004 Posted June 3, 2004 your guy is doing what i did when i was in his shoes years ago. he undoubtedly loves you but can't see making you wait another 4-5 yrs to get married because he: 1) wants to get on a great financial footing before tying the knot 2) feels that if he makes you wait another 4 yrs WITH him he cannot guarantee that he wont find someone else in that time thus wasting 4 + years of your dating time. (this proves that he truly loves you-the sacrifice) 3) simply he wants to see if he can find someone better. sorry for being so candid but i think he is putting himself and his needs first. he is not marriage material right now. julie
Author aimyd Posted June 3, 2004 Author Posted June 3, 2004 Thank you for your honesty Julie! It is so necessary for me to hear it every once in a while from somebody else! I do know that he loves me since he has stated several times that he will be there for me the rest of my life and has put up a considerable amount of money for me to get on my feet. HOWEVER, I really wish that he would have let me decide when I am no longer willing to wait, rather than just cut me off to "protect" me. The important thing for me was for us to be together. I made sure not to pressure him into marriage...the pressure came from family and friends. After being together for so long it gets to the point where EVERYBODY is always asking..."so when are you getting married?". I did not expect marriage right now. So, being that you have been in his shoes, what in your opinion should I do? I would love more than anything to get back together with him one day. Am I fooling myself thinking that it could happen? He is busy enough to not think about the whole thing so I don't even think he has time to miss me. My assesment is that he will most likely never want to get back together with me....soooo, I should break contact and move on? How do you feel about your ex?
azgirl Posted June 3, 2004 Posted June 3, 2004 Originally posted by FreeMe I think sometimes men will try to turn off their painful emotions (the hurt and fear associated with the abortion and all that), and they end up turning off all of their emotions. FreeMe - That statement that you made really makes sense to me. I think you are exactly right. My ex is going through a ton of stuff right now. Family problems - an alcoholic mother, a grandfather who is terminally ill, and a father who is in BIG trouble for tax evasion. Plus, the icing on the cake is that I am 90% sure that last month sometime was the anniversary of his best friend's suicide. I think he is shutting down emotionally and consequently shutting down on me. Three weeks ago, things were completely normal between us. We had a couple of arguments, but nothing major. Then he hit me with discussion of a break up out of nowhere. The first week afterwards, we were trying to work things out. Then he got all the news from his family and COMPLETELY shut me out. Now, he hasn't been home in a week (we live together.) He "doesn't want to talk about it" when I do see him. He has just shut me out. So - I agree with you completely. I can tell by the way he looks at me and holds me tightly when I do see him, but he is still shutting me out. It sucks. But I guess unless someone is willing to open back up and accept their feelings for us, there is not much we can do, is there??
TempSain Posted June 3, 2004 Posted June 3, 2004 aimyd: I hate to burst your bubble but maybe there is someone else in his life. You touched on the topic briefly, you mentioned "Everybody was shocked and swears that he must have been cheating on me. I of course asked him if he was and he swears on the fact that I am the only girlfriend he had that he did NOT cheat on." This seems to indicate that he is capable of cheating on you and maybe your friends knew of something to give them a reason for thinking that he was cheating on you. You need to really think about this. Also, I am sure he will come back to you from time to time but it will not work out because you will be just a back up girl. Best advice to you is break all ties and move on.
azgirl Posted June 3, 2004 Posted June 3, 2004 aimyd - I am sorry to hear that you are going through this. I know it is tough when you found the one you wanted to marry and were willing to WAIT for them. I was willing to wait for mine, too. Couldn't imagine myself with anyone else. He up and left me, too. Completely out of the blue. Similar to yours. Said "he wasn't ready for this" and didn't "want this anymore." And he said he "wanted to concentrate on his life." And then he has turned hostile and angry towards me, as well, and I have no idea why. I am here if you need to talk.
Author aimyd Posted June 3, 2004 Author Posted June 3, 2004 TempSain - I must say that there is a very large part of me that agrees with you as far as there must be somebody else. Then, of course, there is the stupid part of me that believes him since he has never given me reason in the 6 years that I have known him to doubt his words! I think you are correct in stating that I should break ties. That is the only way I will ever stop loving him. Why do we try to hold on to somebody who obviously does not want us? I don't want to be with somebody who doesn't want me, yet I still have hope. Amazing! azgirl - Thank you for your kind words! I'm so sorry that you have to expirience anything similar to what I have gone through. I would like to return the offer...if you ever need to chat, feel free to find me here.
Author aimyd Posted June 3, 2004 Author Posted June 3, 2004 Just wanted to add, my friends did not know anything. Maybe his friends know/knew of something, however my family and friends were blown away in disbelief. I even had one friend who couldn't even say that we were broken up because she just couldn't and didn't want to believe it. It was pretty phenomenal...I had friends tell me that they were upset because they had lost hope and faith in relationships lasting due to our break up. If we couldn't make it then how could anybody. I never realized that our relationship had that much of an affect on others.
TempSain Posted June 3, 2004 Posted June 3, 2004 I think what happend/is happening to you is part of life. No one ever has a perfect lasting relationship. People change, situations change, sometimes I think it's the fast world that we live in today that makes us change our beliefs and values. I am unhappy as well and I see from most of the people posting here that its pretty much the same everywhere. In a way, I find this place theraputical and it allows me to vent my frustations. OK, that's enough about me. I don't have a simple answer for you. The bottom line is, your gonna have to get through this process yourself. All I can offer is my advice based on what you have told me and hope that I can offer something that is of use to you. I guess we all are hoping for the best, for all of us.
azgirl Posted June 3, 2004 Posted June 3, 2004 aimyd - Thanks. I'm sure I will be needing to talk a lot. I am getting to the point where I accept what he has said about wanting out of this. I still, however, can't accept the anger and hostility he exhibits toward me. I know I am going to have to move out soon. Probably soon after I get back from vacation. Pisses me off to no end that he is making me move. Ever moved in July in f***ing AZ?????? I helped someone pack their car for a cross-country move last July and it was unbearable. Nothing like going up and down three flights of stairs in 115 degree heat. Pr*ck! Anyway - just had to get that off my chest. I told another poster on a different thread that I just want to tell him that I accept the fact that he doesn't want to be with me, I am done trying to convince him otherwise, but that I still care for him and if he needs me I'll be there for him. For whatever it is worth. TempSain - you are right. We are all hoping for the best - for all of us. It helps being on here and talking to others who are going through the same thing, but at the same time, it is so sad that there are so many out there that are hurting right now. I asked my grandma one day "Why can't it be like it was in your day where people met, fell in love and got married. And stayed that way and worked through problems." She said she wished she had the answer.
moimeme Posted June 4, 2004 Posted June 4, 2004 I think the abortion may have a lot to do with it. Did I just find out that he's not man enough to deal with real issues? That's not even slightly fair. I understand you're hurting, but would it be even close to true to call you weak and a wimp because you're in pain over this breakup? A lot of people are unable to process grief well. It's no reflection on his character.
Author aimyd Posted June 4, 2004 Author Posted June 4, 2004 moimeme - Thank you for your response. I will try to keep that in mind.
Wolvesbaned Posted June 9, 2004 Posted June 9, 2004 A lot of people are unable to process grief well. It's no reflection on his character. Why do I always find myself disagreeing with moimeme I disagree wholeheartedly. Our actions make our character, grieving included. I understand why the guy might be scared, but he's lacked the capacity to realize that she might be traumatized too about her abortion. How is giving up changing anything? Did I just find out that he's not man enough to deal with real issues? Maybe. If so, it's blessing to find out now and not later. It was pretty phenomenal...I had friends tell me that they were upset because they had lost hope and faith in relationships lasting due to our break up. If we couldn't make it then how could anybody. I never realized that our relationship had that much of an affect on others. I had friends confess the same thing to me. Everyone is still shocked. How can somebody just turn it off like that? I'm still trying to figure this out myself. I don't know if there's a real answer. Why do we try to hold on to somebody who obviously does not want us? I don't want to be with somebody who doesn't want me, yet I still have hope. Amazing! Good god, we have more in common than I thought
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