ddlovexx Posted February 12, 2012 Posted February 12, 2012 Hey there, So I've been Friends With Benefits with a great guy for about a month now. I'm 21, he's 33. He's an absolute doll. We have incredible chemistry and we also have a good time out of bed too. I got out of a bad relationship a few months ago and didn't (don't) want a relationship, and that was the agreement but I guess I'm having a harder time than I thought and I'm stuck wondering if it could possibly turn into more down the road. It just so happens that he's turned out to be everything I could ever really want in a guy. We're both musicians so we jam and listen to music and talk and hang out when we're not in bed. I see him about once a week, he texts me every day or every other day just to say hey. The thing is, when we first started I expected to literally **** and then leave... but he cuddled me and I stayed the night and I guess that confused me somewhat. He's a genuinely sweet guy, he makes me laugh and I can definitely be myself around him and I feel comfortable... I'm really happy when I'm with him and I honestly can't stop thinking about him. I didn't expect to feel this way at all. About a week ago I made the mistake of texting him at night "I know I shouldn't... but I miss you." I guess it wasn't really a mistake, I'm just being true to myself... but he didn't handle it so well. He basically told me that if I make it complicated, he's going to disappear (what he doesn't realize is that I'd be the one to disappear first... I'm not going to chase someone who doesn't want me.) So that hurt and kinda made me realize there's no hope... But we got together last night and it was lovely really. We ordered pizza and listened to music and watched a movie besides romping in bed. When we're in bed it's amazing, he looks into my eyes and calls me baby and all that sweet stuff. He used to cuddle me more but since I've told him that he's been slightly more distant. Sometimes he's close and sometimes he's not... so I'm just so unsure. egh. We have really good chemistry together and 75% of the time he acts like we're together when we're together, but when we're not I guess I'm just overthinking and feeling more than I should. I know at some point my feelings are going to be too strong, and at that point I plan to disappear without even telling him. I'm not a fool, I know what the terms and conditions are, I guess I'm just wondering if there's a chance he'll ever want more if I give it some time or if it just is what it is. I know the chances are slim, but I guess I can't seem to give up that 5% chance of hope I have... I think I need to just give it up though..
Jane2011 Posted February 12, 2012 Posted February 12, 2012 Sounds potentially dangerous for you, emotionally. I've been on both sides of the FWB fence. Was with someone for a year who I had feelings for; he had no feelings for me. I cried. Was with a different guy for six months who was in love with me but I had no feelings for him, yet I had sex with him. He cried. It's hurtful. I'm not totally against situations where there is a little emotional lopsidedness but both people feel generally strong. Like, if you can be with this guy, secretly hope for more, BUT for the most part, he's not causing you severe emotional pain, then I say you can just hang in, take the sex, and see if he comes around. Otherwise, drop him...
SmileFace Posted February 12, 2012 Posted February 12, 2012 Disappear, vanish, be a ghost. You know what you have with this guy, don't let your heart tell you different. Don't wait until you completely fall for this guy.
kaylan Posted February 12, 2012 Posted February 12, 2012 Hes just an older dude sowing some wild oats with a pretty young thing. Take his warning seriously and have fun with things the way they are. If you cant handle it, then bail. Good luck.
Anela Posted February 12, 2012 Posted February 12, 2012 I would listen to those who posted above. The sooner you disappear, the better for you.
Ninjainpajamas Posted February 12, 2012 Posted February 12, 2012 (edited) He's not with you because he's considering a relationship, he's with you because you're a nice entertainment piece for him to indulge in, plus you're young and attractive(I'm guessing, this is why older men go for younger women). This doesn't mean he just wants you for sex however, this is why so many women get confused, he also wants someone he can express those emotional side with, and also someone who is just fun to hang out with since he can't be having sex with you all of the time, although most of the time. Where it gets tricky is when he is in the phase of indulging with you, he's not considering or entertaining the idea of a real emotional connection. All you see him do and say is a surface, kinda like you have two actors in a movie..it looks real, it feels real but at the end of the day they go their separate trailers and go back to their real life. I just thought I'd go into it so you can understand the details and the mentality of it all. I'm sure you're completely convinced that he must feel something too, and everything you feel is so real and genuine (trust me, this is normal...older men like who are competent know what they are doing, they aren't clueless or green when it comes to women and it has it's affect). So he's carefully watching you, like a pendulum he swings one side of the room when he feels things are safe, then when he feels you becoming emotional he swings right back to the other side of the room..he's trying to create a balance and stay in the middle. He wants to enjoy himself with you, but he doesn't want you getting carried away (as he knows from experience as you are not the first). His musical skills, charm from the knowledge from growing older and being a douche bag in the past has made him an appealing and competent man now, which to you feels like the total package. But don't be so delusional in the sense that this isn't just an act, you're only seeing one side of the moon and the real man behind the curtain is not what you see...he knows that and he wouldn't let you get that far anyway, but that's where the bad side is...that's where his faults and demons reside, however even If you saw them..like most women, you'd still be sulking in the past remembering the good times (now). So do yourself a favor and get out before he breaks your heart...you think you can handle it, but I can assure you by the time you realize it, you'll already be in too deep. However..the choice is always yours...and we know how that usually goes Can't say someone didn't break it down for you at least! I know you won't believe me unless I took you on a ride like the ghost from christmas future or past...but you'd be surprised how much chemistry can be created or learned, It's not as hard as you think to tap into what a girl likes or wants, and when you get the "game" you know how to kick em into the clouds at will. Edited February 12, 2012 by Ninjainpajamas 1
Author ddlovexx Posted February 12, 2012 Author Posted February 12, 2012 (edited) Lol, thanks for breaking it down. I'm not sure that he's feeling anything for me, infact he's made it quite clear that he doesn't. But I've known him for a year before any of this started and he's still genuinely the same guy, I guess just on a different level now... so it's not as if he's 'faking' it. I guess he enjoys the company and the talks and obviously the sex, as do I, but I guess he probably won't ever want more than that. I just it just sucks that it's like that, because I think we could have a great relationship. I wish he felt for me. I'm 21 but I've been living on my own for a few years now... I work full-time and go to school full-time, I'm a lot more mature than my age dictates. I guess I just wish it could be more. For now I can enjoy it for what it is, at this moment I'm able to keep my emotions on tabs, but I know I won't be able to forever and I'll be on my way. Edited February 12, 2012 by ddlovexx
TheFinalWord Posted February 12, 2012 Posted February 12, 2012 He's making a lifer out of ya! "If I get this girl hooked emotionally, I can come back whenever I want and she'll keep hoping I'll love her" Sorry to crush your heart, but this is what happens. When he says he'll disappear believe him...until he wants sex and then he'll pull your heart strings. So you listen to music and watch movies. So does 99% of the rest of the population. Sorry that isn't enough to make a relationship. Going through life together, supporting each other...when two paths become one...thats what makes a good relationship. He's told you he is not going to do that with you. So there is no potential for a relationship. --From a guy in his 30s that could easily manipulate a 21 year old girl, but chooses not to because he has standards.
Million.to.1 Posted February 12, 2012 Posted February 12, 2012 He's not with you because he's considering a relationship, he's with you because you're a nice entertainment piece for him to indulge in, plus you're young and attractive(I'm guessing, this is why older men go for younger women). This doesn't mean he just wants you for sex however, this is why so many women get confused, he also wants someone he can express those emotional side with, and also someone who is just fun to hang out with since he can't be having sex with you all of the time, although most of the time. Where it gets tricky is when he is in the phase of indulging with you, he's not considering or entertaining the idea of a real emotional connection. All you see him do and say is a surface, kinda like you have two actors in a movie..it looks real, it feels real but at the end of the day they go their separate trailers and go back to their real life. I just thought I'd go into it so you can understand the details and the mentality of it all. I'm sure you're completely convinced that he must feel something too, and everything you feel is so real and genuine (trust me, this is normal...older men like who are competent know what they are doing, they aren't clueless or green when it comes to women and it has it's affect). So he's carefully watching you, like a pendulum he swings one side of the room when he feels things are safe, then when he feels you becoming emotional he swings right back to the other side of the room..he's trying to create a balance and stay in the middle. He wants to enjoy himself with you, but he doesn't want you getting carried away (as he knows from experience as you are not the first). His musical skills, charm from the knowledge from growing older and being a douche bag in the past has made him an appealing and competent man now, which to you feels like the total package. But don't be so delusional in the sense that this isn't just an act, you're only seeing one side of the moon and the real man behind the curtain is not what you see...he knows that and he wouldn't let you get that far anyway, but that's where the bad side is...that's where his faults and demons reside, however even If you saw them..like most women, you'd still be sulking in the past remembering the good times (now). So do yourself a favor and get out before he breaks your heart...you think you can handle it, but I can assure you by the time you realize it, you'll already be in too deep. However..the choice is always yours...and we know how that usually goes Can't say someone didn't break it down for you at least! I know you won't believe me unless I took you on a ride like the ghost from christmas future or past...but you'd be surprised how much chemistry can be created or learned, It's not as hard as you think to tap into what a girl likes or wants, and when you get the "game" you know how to kick em into the clouds at will. One of the most excellent posters on this forum. You Sir, give the straight-up truth and much insight into the male mind. Always enjoy your posts.
Tybalt Posted February 12, 2012 Posted February 12, 2012 As a woman older than you, I completely agree with the breakdown ninja gave you, and from the other side of it (yours) I can tell you that you may *think* you can handle it, but you will get hurt. Intellectually you understand the terms, but emotionally you are definitely holding out hope that he could care more, even if you are trying to keep that curtailed. You wouldn't post if you didn't already have emotional investment. And it will only get harder and harder... I have heard versions of this tale from many women and lived it myself. The good news is: You can feel, and care about people. The bad news is, you've chosen the wrong person in the wrong situation to express this. The sooner you break your attachment, the sooner you can be available for something a lot more fulfilling.
Jane2011 Posted February 12, 2012 Posted February 12, 2012 I agree with what Ninja and the others have said also. The guy I was with for a year who I was in love with who was not in love with me...it was the worst because he kinda treated me like a girlfriend. He let me stay the night any time I wanted to, he cuddled with me, he gave me the key to his apartment, he used the "we" pronoun, he joked with me, was a friend to me, had inside jokes with me, etc. But, as mentioned above, it was all an illusion. Men can say all those things and do all those things, but it doesn't necessarily mean anything. They want an outlet for their emotions and 'boyfriend side' too, and sort of even want to "play house" with you a little. But emotions aren't real unless they're real. So often, women give men all the credit in the world for doing everything *except the final act or expression of love and commitment.* I don't consider myself nearly as vulnerable to men and sex as I was in my 20s. I still get attached, but I keep my dignity no matter what nowadays. When I was in my 20s, I was nothing short of pathetic. The FWB I had then, I "left him" at least three or four times in the year we were seeing each other. He always let me go, and I always was back at his doorstep a day or two later because I couldn't let him go. I don't think I'm like that anymore at all. I let go if a guy does me wrong or shows he's not serious, even if I don't want to let go. But I could still hear some echos of that old 20something me when I was talking to a friend recently. I said, "But he cooks for me, he texts me every day, he gives me back massages, he lets me spend the night any time I want to..." And the friend cut me off and said, "Well, that's all fine and good, but all of that is just him being willing to do nice things. He'll do that forever to keep you around. It's nothing if he won't ever commit to you." And he (my friend) was right. The guy I was seeing was wonderful to me, but he wasn't going to commit to being with just me. And the thing is, the guy *wants* you to be reeled in by the nice things he does for you, because if you're reeled in enough by those little nice things, you'll ignore the fact that he won't ever give you the BIG thing, which is being your truly committed, loyal, and loving exclusive boyfriend. So my point is, stop giving guys all the credit in the world for little small things like watching movies with you and going out to eat with you and listening to music with you. That stuff is nothing. Think about the fact that there are men out there who actually devote themselves to the woman they are with. Raise kids with them and do car repairs and share bank accounts and mortgages and go to family outings and share insurance policies, etc., and just devote their lives to them. I have two older sisters who are married, and when I think of the way their husbands are with them vs. the way the guys I date are with me, it reminds me of how lame it is of me to laud a guy for cooking a breakfast for me or watching movies with me. Big deal. So he watched a movie with you. So he massaged your back for five minutes. So he made you a CD of his favorite songs. That is nothing.
kaylan Posted February 12, 2012 Posted February 12, 2012 (edited) ^Let me just add on to what she just said. Shes very right about some of us guys. Theres plenty of good guys out there who will like a girl a good deal, but will not commit for some reason or another. It could be hes not ready for that, but it could also be that hes just not into you like that. Im very much like the type of guy the previous poster described. When I get into a hook up situation with a girl, if Im not willing to commit, it doesnt mean I still wont act sweet on her. I very much have that emotional, caring, boyfriend side to me, even if shes not my girlfriend. If Im getting physical with someone I like, its hard for me not to show that side. Ill cook us breakfast or dinner, watch movies cuddle up on the couch, kiss her on the forehead and tell her I think shes pretty, hold her hand, and be generous as heck in the bedroom. I dont do it just to string a girl along though...its just how I am towards someone I like. Sometimes I need to feel a sense of one-ness even though Im still a free bird. Hell doing all that stuff may possibly shut me off mentally to other girls for a little bit of time...But without the actual label of bf-gf, its possible that Ill end up fancying another girl. Doesnt mean I still dont fancy the first gal though. But why wont I commit to girl number one? Whats the reason? Well the first reason is that it could just be that Im not ready to commit to anyone at the moment...which is the present case in my life right now. Im still finding myself, sorting out some emotions, working on my career, and possibly going to grad school. Id like to focus on all that instead of having to work on a relationship to. I remember how my grades slipped pretty bad when my last ex and I broke up...and I hate feel crappy while in school. Plus Im still figuring out what I want outta love right now. The other reason could be that I just dont see her as someone I could be with in the long term...and Id say this is most guys reasoning if they havent fallen hard for the girl after a few months. After a few months of doing bf-gf stuff, if my emotions for her havent overridden my not being ready for a relationship, then its clear I dont see myself ending up with her. So basically, if how I feel for her doesnt get me past the first reason after some time, then it most likely is never gonna happen for us. One good thing is that Im always upfront with women about what Im looking for in the beginning. I wont say im looking for something serious, and then string them along. Nor will I hook up with them if I sense they see me in a serious way. The thing about the FWB arrangement is that it can start out not serious for both sides, but then usually one person ends up falling for the other. Edited February 12, 2012 by kaylan
reptilelover88 Posted February 12, 2012 Posted February 12, 2012 You know what the deal is with this guy and you don't really need us to tell you. Please listen to your head and not your heart, banish any thoughts that he might change, and get out now so that you can look forward to a happier future with someone who will love you heart and soul. This is definitely a case where you need to go cold turkey and make a completely clean break, otherwise he'll worm his way back into your life over and over again.
LK30 Posted February 12, 2012 Posted February 12, 2012 Ninjainpajamas and TheFinalWord... You two are awesome advisors on here - good to have you around. I'm not the original poster on this thread but reading what you say makes total sense! 1
Sugarkane Posted February 12, 2012 Posted February 12, 2012 (edited) I loathe it when guys fake and string you along like this. Annoys me. I hope this guy gets screwed over. Edited February 12, 2012 by Sugarkane Mispelling
SmileFace Posted February 12, 2012 Posted February 12, 2012 I loathe it when guys fake and string you along like this. Annoys me. I hope this guy gets screwed over. How is this guy stringing her along? I don't see how you can blame him for her feelings towards him. From what the op said, this guy has been straight forward with his intentions with her. I wish people will really stop playing the blame game in situations like this. People only treat you as you allow them.
Frogwife Posted February 12, 2012 Posted February 12, 2012 How is this guy stringing her along? I don't see how you can blame him for her feelings towards him. From what the op said, this guy has been straight forward with his intentions with her. I wish people will really stop playing the blame game in situations like this. People only treat you as you allow them. Agreed! If a person says "make it complicated and I'm out of here", they are letting you know where you (and they) stand. No "stringing along" there. If you choose to stay after that, you're a volunteer, not a victim. While it's always entertaining to read, there is way too much over-thinking on this site, trying to breakdown every "possibility" of every situation - with armchair analysis making very simple situations much more complicated than they need to be...
zengirl Posted February 12, 2012 Posted February 12, 2012 How is this guy stringing her along? I don't see how you can blame him for her feelings towards him. From what the op said, this guy has been straight forward with his intentions with her. I wish people will really stop playing the blame game in situations like this. People only treat you as you allow them. Agreed. The guy sounds like he's been honest enough, and the OP should not delude herself or string HERSELF along! Great breakdowns of the FWB situation in this thread -- very interesting read.
silvermercy Posted February 12, 2012 Posted February 12, 2012 Agreed with the rest. You've been warned by him. Get out now while you still can. What I'd like to add is that you're in a more "dangerous" FWB situation, exactly for the reasons you stated: him being sweet, emotional and basically acting like a potential "boyfriend". He is not a potential boyfriend! This type is more dangerous than the average "jerk" type (what-you-see-is-what-you-get type). At least with the latter type it's much easier for your logic to bypass your emotions and bid him goodbye faster and less dramatically.
Ruby Slippers Posted February 12, 2012 Posted February 12, 2012 You want more than FWB with this guy, and need to end it. I had an FWB last year, and he wanted more but was trying to be cool with what we had -- but never really was. So I ended it. But the guy you're seeing isn't going to do that (unless you get crazy and stalkery like my FWB did, or something like that). So you're going to have to do it. It's a dead end. End it with this guy, and do one of two things: 1. Heal up, then find someone you can get serious with, or 2. Find another FWB you don't want something more with.
Author ddlovexx Posted February 13, 2012 Author Posted February 13, 2012 You guys are all very correct. Well this sucks, but I guess it's time for me to just disappear. </3 Thanks for your help, I really appreciate it.
musemaj11 Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 So often, women give men all the credit in the world for doing everything *except the final act or expression of love and commitment.* Women care more about romance than love. I learned a long time ago that its far easier to hook a woman by meeting her romantic fantasies than by showing her that I truly care and love her.
setsenia Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 I agree with everyone else, ddlovexx, it's time for you to move on before you become too emotionally connected. I know how you feel and I can definitely tell you're very mature, so was surprised when you said you were only 21. I know where you're coming from. I am 22, will be 23 in June, I am married, working full time and going to school also. You obviously want more out of the relationship and he doesn't, you deserve someone who feels the same. You don't have you put your heart through that. I was 16 when I met my husband, we were friends for several months before I told him how I felt and I was relieved to know he felt the same about me before our relationship progressed. You deserve that too.
Leigh 87 Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 Thank goodness, your mature enough to realize what u need to do for now, however: IW ANT TO REITORATE that YES u should RUN now! If he liked u enough to be with u, he WOULD HAVE by now. He is nto with u, because he does not see u as a girl he wants to be with. For whatever reason. If he did want to be with u, he would NOT act the way he has been. WELL DONE for taking thwe advice of people WHO KNOW that is going on here;)
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