Let go?

[DisGai]

Hi all, first post here.

 

I've been with a girl for almost 2 years. We started our relationship towards the end of our senior year in high school, and we have been long-distance (because of college). We would see each other over Thanksgiving weekend, winter vacation (December), spring vacation (1 week in March), and summer vacation (June-September). The first year was very difficult, but we managed to pull through pretty strong. Our friends (mutual and separate) were surprised to see it work. But last week, she told me that we were done.

 

She told me that she doesn't feel the same way about us anymore, and that she really does still love me, but as a brother/friend. After consulting with friends, I tried to listen to their advice to just let go, because she probably spent a lot of time and heart to come to this decision. I've been struggling for the past week, but at this point, I just completely don't want to. But let me try to describe how all of this happened.

 

This kind of started with my repeated texts/calls that she wasn't very responsive to while we were separated by our respective colleges. Being in a LDR, I thought I should contact her a fair amount of times per day just to maintain communication in our relationship, but she felt kind of burdened by that.

 

And after arguing over this issue for a couple months, we met during Thanksgiving, and she asked that we be friends for a while. She wanted a break from our relationship. She felt that she needed to find her independence first before worrying about being in a relationship. And I told her that I completely respect her need for a break, but that I would have to not see her at all over the upcoming winter vacation, which she thought wasn't necessary. But I couldn't see her as "just a friend," so if she needed a break, I would have to not be in contact with her for a while. So we ended up just not going on that break.

 

Over winter vacation, we were both happy with each other. We sought affection, attention, etc. from each other. But she did note again that she still wanted to experience being independent again. (She had been in an abusive and broken relationship about a year and a half before we started dating. Long story short, the guy she dated had made her lose a lot of what held her up, her confidence, her motivation, etc. But she had seemed to build these things up again over the past 3 years) While we seemed to be happy with each other, we explored our more intimate/sexual aspect of our relationship. To me, this allowed a different form of connection/closeness to emerge into our relationship.

 

Then one day (this was 3.5 weeks ago), we got into a big fight and she demanded the break that she had initially wanted. So I antagonistically gave her it. She had tried to see how I was doing the next day and the week after, but I ignored her; I didn't want any contact. Then finally after 2.5 weeks of no contact, she suddenly texted me telling me not to wait for her, that she was done with me. So I called her and she told me the things in the 2nd paragraph of this post. I begged like a dog for her to not give up on us. She told me I'm still a huge part of her life and that she has a special place in her heart for me. And she said that she sees me in her future. But the worst of all is that she was so sure of herself when she said we were done.

 

Now let me talk about how she was "so sure." During winter break (when I visited her school), I met one of her friends. She told me that he had confessed to liking her and that it was cute. Then, after she broke up with me, she said she was "so sure" that she was over me because that same guy who had a crush on her unexpectedly sent her a letter confessing some more. She said this: "he wrote with so much self realization and so much sincerity--he figured so much about me through the few times we conversed. It really caught me off guard. I felt attraction. I've never ever felt attraction towards another guy when were good together. And for the first time I felt really broken and cried, because the letter helped me realize I was over you." That's what she texted me after she eventually hung up on me after hearing me cry and beg for an hour.

 

Then, I told her to at least see me and tell me that it's over to my face. I was so sure that she would fall for me when we were together in person again. Because whenever we get back together after being separated, it's just bliss. I said I'd come during my spring break (which is a week before hers), but she said no. After I kept insisting, she said she'd see me back home in NJ (she forgot that we had different breaks). But I said if I didn't visit her, she wouldn't see me till the summer. And so I bought my bus ticket and told her I'm coming. She said to return it and that she wouldn't let me stay with her.

 

I initially wrote a letter about a bunch of things, including the things I adore about her, the things I've learned through our relationship, the things I envisioned in our future, why I thought she might have came to this breakup, and finally that I would let her go. (I included the part about letting her go after talking through with my friends. They told me to not foster up false hope.)

 

And I planned on sending this to her during our anniversary (Feb. 28). But I knew that she was completely set on breaking up with me, and that it would break her heart to read this during our anniversary because she still loves me. So I was just going to send it at some other random time (soon perhaps). And I knew that it would hurt her so much to see me in person again if I visited her. And I love her, so I don't want to hurt her, even if it means letting go.

 

But she's constantly been showing up in my dreams and I've just been having the hardest time imagining us separated in the future. So this may very well be false hope, but what do you all think about my situation? Is it possible for us to be together in the future? Even if it has to start over again with a friendship? Should I send that letter (taking the letting go part out, or just keeping it in to pretend that I'm trying to be strong..maybe she'd appreciate that)? I especially want to hear some girls' input, although I'd be so thankful to hear guys' as well.

 

Thank you so much for reading. God bless.

Mike

Edited February 12, 2012 by DisGai

[cerridwen]

 

Now let me talk about how she was "so sure." During winter break (when I visited her school), I met one of her friends. She told me that he had confessed to liking her and that it was cute. Then, after she broke up with me, she said she was "so sure" that she was over me because that same guy who had a crush on her unexpectedly sent her a letter confessing some more. She said this: "he wrote with so much self realization and so much sincerity--he figured so much about me through the few times we conversed. It really caught me off guard. I felt attraction. I've never ever felt attraction towards another guy when were good together. And for the first time I felt really broken and cried, because the letter helped me realize I was over you."

 

 

I read through the details of your post, Mike, but the highlighted above is a real death knell.

What a brutal thing to hear.

 

I suggest letting it go.

What you're describing is a slow disintegration that oftentimes ends up in extreme anger from both sides.

 

Try to avoid that by recognizing it's over.

She's made her wishes known and they should be respected.

You can take this opportunity to preserve some dignity by not begging or pushing.

 

Don't let her last memories of you be ones that incite annoyance.

Send the letter if you like but not for manipulative purposes, please.

Send it because you want her to know those things.

Send it with not expecting anything in return.

[DisGai]

Hi cerridwen, thanks for your reply.

 

I don't think I conveyed it well enough, but she didn't say that it was a romantic attraction. It just made her feel set apart and.. special? Personally, I would feel "attraction" if someone confessed that they liked me (a pride booster). Also, she didn't say the relationship was over because of the guy; it was just an incident that made her think that "she's over me." And she did say that she wants to be independent.

 

Also, I forgot to mention, but our spring breaks overlap for a weekend, and she did say that she'd see me in NJ (home). This would be about 5 weeks from now. I want to use the opportunity to talk to her and see where she's at/how she's doing. Would it be unwise to contact her during my break to tell her that I respect her wish for me to not visit, but I'd still like to see her during our short overlapping break?

Edited February 12, 2012 by DisGai

[cerridwen]

Hi cerridwen, thanks for your reply.

 

I don't think I conveyed it well enough, but she didn't say that it was a romantic attraction. It just made her feel set apart and.. special? Personally, I would feel "attraction" if someone confessed that they liked me (a pride booster). Also, she didn't say the relationship was over because of the guy; it was just an incident that made her think that "she's over me." And she did say that she wants to be independent.

 

Hi DisGai,

 

I would take her at her word.

And as a woman, let me share this with you:

Nothing is quite as off-putting as when our last memories of a boyfriend is him begging or pushing the issue.

We may feel compassion.

We may feel guilty.

But we (I) also feel a small loss of respect with such displays.

That's why I strongly suggest to exit as gracefully as you can.

If you hope for something in the future, doing so can help.

 

I'm sorry this is painful for you.

Post often here for support and good luck to you.

[DisGai]

Hi DisGai,

 

I would take her at her word.

And as a woman, let me share this with you:

Nothing is quite as off-putting as when our last memories of a boyfriend is him begging or pushing the issue.

We may feel compassion.

We may feel guilty.

But we (I) also feel a small loss of respect with such displays.

That's why I strongly suggest to exit as gracefully as you can.

If you hope for something in the future, doing so can help.

 

I'm sorry this is painful for you.

Post often here for support and good luck to you.

 

When you say "hope for something in the future," do you mean with her?

I do wish to walk away from this and let go, but I think I'd cling on for some kind of luck. And as stated before, she sees me as a part of her future.. to me, this only insinuates hope...Hope that I can start over, as a friend possibly.

[cerridwen]

When you say "hope for something in the future," do you mean with her?

I do wish to walk away from this and let go, but I think I'd cling on for some kind of luck. And as stated before, she sees me as a part of her future.. to me, this only insinuates hope...Hope that I can start over, as a friend possibly.

 

Yes.

Not to give you false hope but I've reconciled with boyfriends in the past.

They were not in the group who begged or annoyed when we originally broke up.

[DisGai]

So for her sake and mine, I will just let time pass.

 

Also, I forgot to mention, but our spring breaks overlap for a weekend, and she did say that she'd see me in NJ (home). This would be about 5 weeks from now. I want to use the opportunity to talk to her and see where she's at/how she's doing. Would it be unwise to contact her during my break to tell her that I respect her wish for me to not visit, but I'd still like to see her during our short overlapping break?

[Frank13]

She told me that she doesn't feel the same way about us anymore, and that she really does still love me, but as a brother/friend.

 

She wanted a break from our relationship. She felt that she needed to find her independence first before worrying about being in a relationship.

 

This is all code for she no longer is in love with you and no longer has romantic love feelings for you. More importantly, the "need to find her independence" means I want to date other guys.

 

When someone says they want to be independent, it means they want to be independent from you, but not from other guys.

[DisGai]

This is all code for she no longer is in love with you and no longer has romantic love feelings for you. More importantly, the "need to find her independence" means I want to date other guys.

 

When someone says they want to be independent, it means they want to be independent from you, but not from other guys.

 

I'm sorry, but that is false. We've been talking about this issue of independence a while before we broke up, and it makes sense from my point of view. She's been in relationships throughout most of her high school/so-far college years. And I respect her enough to believe that she's not just saying that to leave me in the dust and look for other guys.

[blindnowisee]

@DisGai:

Read my post dude: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t313672/

 

When a girl says she loves you but not LOVES you.. that means it's over.. You're not a catch anymore and she is open for interest for other people. Usually it means that she's met someone in the dying phase of your relationship and that enabled her to end it with you.

 

Read my post.. I'm at the same place as you are.

 

On topic: don't contact her. Break free. Become a better person. Build your own life up again and start enjoying it. If you do this you might get her back at a certain point of time however it will be your call instead of leaving it all to her mercy..

[DisGai]

@DisGai:

Read my post dude: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t313672/

 

When a girl says she loves you but not LOVES you.. that means it's over.. You're not a catch anymore and she is open for interest for other people. Usually it means that she's met someone in the dying phase of your relationship and that enabled her to end it with you.

 

Read my post.. I'm at the same place as you are.

 

On topic: don't contact her. Break free. Become a better person. Build your own life up again and start enjoying it. If you do this you might get her back at a certain point of time however it will be your call instead of leaving it all to her mercy..

 

Hey thanks for the post. I believe I am taking steps to improving myself (working out, etc.) but I'm afraid it's my inner desire to show my ex that I'm capable of living without her and/or impressing her/making her see what she's losing. Kind of bad, but I'll try to take steps to change that.

 

Also, I didn't want to mention it for certain reasons, but she's my first. In all rationality, I know I shouldn't be visiting/contacting her, but I think I'm still going to contact her to meet up with her for the short overlap of our spring breaks. This might hurt me even more in the long run, but I'm willing to go through the experience. Because, mistake or not, this will help me grow and perhaps find new insight into relationships.

 

Thanks for all the help/support everyone. I really really appreciate everything.

[Frank13]

I'm sorry, but that is false. We've been talking about this issue of independence a while before we broke up, and it makes sense from my point of view. She's been in relationships throughout most of her high school/so-far college years. And I respect her enough to believe that she's not just saying that to leave me in the dust and look for other guys.

 

I know it is hard to see or admit this. Come back her in a month and tell me I am wrong. I bet you won't be able to.

 

When a girl says she loves you but not LOVES you.. that means it's over.. You're not a catch anymore and she is open for interest for other people. Usually it means that she's met someone in the dying phase of your relationship and that enabled her to end it with you.

 

I said the same thing but DisGai doesn't want to believe it. Time will tell.

[DisGai]

I know it is hard to see or admit this. Come back her in a month and tell me I am wrong. I bet you won't be able to.

 

 

 

I said the same thing but DisGai doesn't want to believe it. Time will tell.

 

I agree that she may be "open for interest for other people," but not that she is committed to developing a relationship with another guy. The reason our relationship started falling apart was because she wanted to be independent, meaning independent from a relationship, just living out her life without the pressure of being committed to anyone. She is not going to end up in another relationship in a month, I can guarantee that.

[blindnowisee]

@DisGai.. I feel your pain bro I do.. I know the place you're in now as well as I was once there.

 

Your gf is open for offers.. Once someone comes along who interests her more than you currently do then she will go for it.. I guarantee you that.

 

The fact that you're currently at this stage usually means she's already found someone. I'm not saying she's hooking up with someone else however I can GUARANTEE you that she's thinking about it. There might be a guy at work / school or whatever who is smelling blood and who is aggressively courting your woman..

 

I struggled to understand this concept when I was hanging on to the last stage of my relationship but once you've hit this phase.. you've already lost your girl. She's gone.. She has decided that you are no longer of interest to her and that she is open for any other offers. She might hang around you and play you like a fiddle to keep you nearby as Plan B.

 

There are 2 scenario's here.

1- You act like a beta man and think that it will all work out as long as you're really sweet and kind. Give her compliments, tell her you love her over and over again.. try to make efforts. But deep down you know.. it's all coming from you and not being reciprocated..

 

2- You act like an alpha male.. address the problem and take the space/time she needs for yourself to improve yourself as a man. Get yourself to the gym, start a new hobby, get back to hanging out with your friends. Plan some holidays with a friend.. go backpacking.. show her you're loving life and that you're a great catch to have.. if she doesn't want you you're not bothered! You're coasting.. you're talking to other women.. you're being the confident man you're supposed to be.

 

We need to stop acting like pussies and start acting like men again. The moment you realise this is the moment you will heal, better yourself and truly be alive again..

 

On a side note: my relationship was my first long-term one.. and we were high school sweet hears too. I am however very well aware of my situation at all times and always able to reflect on what's going on in my life. I too could not believe that my girl MY GIRL! was open for offers from other guys.. you will either reflect and do the same.. or be ignorant, ignore it and prolong the period of time you will feel hurt and abused..

[Frank13]

@DisGai.. I feel your pain bro I do.. I know the place you're in now as well as I was once there.

 

Your gf is open for offers.. Once someone comes along who interests her more than you currently do then she will go for it.. I guarantee you that.

 

The fact that you're currently at this stage usually means she's already found someone. I'm not saying she's hooking up with someone else however I can GUARANTEE you that she's thinking about it. There might be a guy at work / school or whatever who is smelling blood and who is aggressively courting your woman..

 

I pretty much told him the same thing. He doesn't believe it. Not much more we can say. He thinks he can read her mind and that she just wants independence.