lovebug180 Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 I already know what type of reactions to expect. But I expect this, this is the internet. I started at a new company about a month and a half ago, and on the first day, I saw a guy that I was instantly attracted to. I never let off that I was attracted to him. Since his department neighbors mine, I found that we would pass each other a lot. I soon begin to notice that he was not that friendly and he never spoke or said good morning to me or even good afternoon. He avoided me and if we would ever make eye contact he would hurry up and look away. I also then noticed the ring on his finger. The odd behavior continued on and I genuinely felt as if he did not like me, and that perhaps I had done something to offend him. I looked at things differently though one day when I caught him stealing glances in the break room. I knew something was up then. I let the behavior continued and just decided to avoid him, and it was always tense if we were around each other. It started to become more and more tense over the past few weeks. Well earlier this week we were forced in a situation that we had to speak. I decided to break the ice and every since then he has come alive. He speaks to me now, smiles, I notice he is more observant and now he doesn't shy away from me. I also noticed the last time I was at work that he became bothered when I was interacting with another male co-worker and he was trying to watch what we were doing. I am afraid and I feel bad because I am attracted to him and I know now that he is attracted to me. He is no longer trying to hide it. He smiles, he speaks to me, and I feel uncomfortable around him because I feel the attraction and I think he was feeling the uncomfortableness too. Now that the barrier has been broken, I find us communicating more and not being afraid to be around one another. I don't know what to do. I am trying to put it out of my head that I am attracted to him and it makes me feel like ****. And I know that yes he is married and I am not planning on pursuing an affair. I just want to know what should I do to stop feeling so down. I have been with a married man before and I am afraid of going back down that road again and I feel the sexual attraction between us becoming stronger and stronger each time we pass each other. There are times where we do still avoid each other, but the times were it is unavoidable that we do have to be around each other we are not hiding our attraction. I just need sound advice.
stillafool Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 Wow, all that in a month and a half. I'm kind of surprised that you have time to think about a MM in this way in such a short time. Especially since you have been down that road before. Do you mind my asking your age? If you are over 25 and since you have experienced the pain that an affair brings to you and others; I think you know what to do. Stop it, and stop it now. Do you have single men in your personal life you can date? If so, I would stick to that avenue. Don't allow this situation to ruin your reputation at your new job before the 6 month period is over.
Author lovebug180 Posted February 11, 2012 Author Posted February 11, 2012 I am in my early twenties. I just moved to this state and yes this all happened very fast. it scares me and I feel guilty even though I haven't actually done anything wrong other than find him attractive.
stillafool Posted February 12, 2012 Posted February 12, 2012 That's good. How old is he? You should be out having the time of your life before you meet someone and marry. Don't let this guy (who belongs to someone else) take your youth. You will waste time with him while he very likely will enjoy the sex but cannot give you anything to make you feel secure. He won't leave his wife, kids, house and stuff for you. You are 25 and you will see how fast the next 5 years will flee. Don't waste them on him as you will end up missing out on someone special waiting for this MM to come around.
jnel921 Posted February 12, 2012 Posted February 12, 2012 Do yourself and everyone a favor and keep those feelings to yourself. You already know he is married. The fact that he can eyeball you at work should make you feel bad for his wife. Think further, if this affair happened and he left his wife and family do you really think he wouldn't do it to you? You are young and just because someone finds you attractive is no reason to go nuts. Find someone who is single and available and who will only focus on you.
LadyGrey Posted February 12, 2012 Posted February 12, 2012 This guy was just waiting around and seeing if you'd bite, so now you have. It's a game to him........he was figuring out if you were the kind of woman who'd go for a married man. So far it's game on for him........are you gonna put yourself out there as "that kind of woman" or smarten up and go do the things that other 25 yr old's do, like have fun and date single gals.
jnel921 Posted February 12, 2012 Posted February 12, 2012 I agree with LadyGrey. He knew you would bite. First of all you are getting overheated over each other because why??? You dont even know each other? Would you feel the same if you knew he was broke? Had credit problems? Had bad habits? His feet smell? Seriously what do you know about him? I tell my oldest daughter who is 23 not to get hung up on all of the flattery. Because in her lifetime many guys will do that. She needs to invest the time to get to know the person on the inside and understand their intention before deciding if the outside matches. You my dear need to do the same. The fact that his intention is to hurt his family by carrying out his selfish desires by drooling at work whenever he sees you and may want to take it further is a huge red flag. He doesn't care about you. He only cares about what you have under your skirt. That is not love or a proper relationship. But if you like that kind of attention and go with it be prepared to be dealt with as the office piece and home wrecker. 1
Author lovebug180 Posted February 12, 2012 Author Posted February 12, 2012 This guy was just waiting around and seeing if you'd bite, so now you have. It's a game to him........he was figuring out if you were the kind of woman who'd go for a married man. So far it's game on for him........are you gonna put yourself out there as "that kind of woman" or smarten up and go do the things that other 25 yr old's do, like have fun and date single gals. I am not 25. I am in my early twenties. I naively didn't think that he was trying to do that because he did avoid me. It was only when we were forced to address each other that he let up on his avoidance. It was only then that he began to acknowledge my presence. I had the feeling there was animosity between us. Now when he smiles at me and says hello, I feel weird about it.
Author lovebug180 Posted February 12, 2012 Author Posted February 12, 2012 Do yourself and everyone a favor and keep those feelings to yourself. You already know he is married. The fact that he can eyeball you at work should make you feel bad for his wife. Think further, if this affair happened and he left his wife and family do you really think he wouldn't do it to you? You are young and just because someone finds you attractive is no reason to go nuts. Find someone who is single and available and who will only focus on you. I am not going nuts because someone finds me attractive. I am going nuts because I feel bad for being attracted to a married man. I am not even interested in dating at the time. I am still healing over my ex and I just moved here. And I won't be telling him what I have been thinking. That will make things much worse.
Author lovebug180 Posted February 12, 2012 Author Posted February 12, 2012 That's good. How old is he? You should be out having the time of your life before you meet someone and marry. Don't let this guy (who belongs to someone else) take your youth. You will waste time with him while he very likely will enjoy the sex but cannot give you anything to make you feel secure. He won't leave his wife, kids, house and stuff for you. You are 25 and you will see how fast the next 5 years will flee. Don't waste them on him as you will end up missing out on someone special waiting for this MM to come around. I think he is in his mid twenties to late twenties.
Author lovebug180 Posted February 12, 2012 Author Posted February 12, 2012 I agree with LadyGrey. He knew you would bite. First of all you are getting overheated over each other because why??? You dont even know each other? Would you feel the same if you knew he was broke? Had credit problems? Had bad habits? His feet smell? Seriously what do you know about him? I tell my oldest daughter who is 23 not to get hung up on all of the flattery. Because in her lifetime many guys will do that. She needs to invest the time to get to know the person on the inside and understand their intention before deciding if the outside matches. You my dear need to do the same. The fact that his intention is to hurt his family by carrying out his selfish desires by drooling at work whenever he sees you and may want to take it further is a huge red flag. He doesn't care about you. He only cares about what you have under your skirt. That is not love or a proper relationship. But if you like that kind of attention and go with it be prepared to be dealt with as the office piece and home wrecker. I have not said that I want to engage in anything with him. I am saying I am feeling bad for even being attracted to him. I know what having sex with someone who is married means. I have been there before and I don't want to go through it again. I just want to know how to properly deal with the anxiety I feel. When I noticed he was married, I expected the fact that he chose to avoid me and I avoided him as well. Again, it was only when we were forced to speak in a social setting that he has started to lighten up. I only felt confused when he started smiling at me and the like. Remember, he used to avoid me like the plague.
jnel921 Posted February 12, 2012 Posted February 12, 2012 You are coworkers first and foremost that is how you deal with it. You shouldn't go to work noticing who notices you or acknowledges you. As long as you come in everyday with a smile towards everyone and say good morning and goodnight you are acknowledging everyone which is normal at every workplace. The attraction is something you created in your mind. So now forget it. What is there to feel bad about if you didn't do anything aside from doing your job? Leave it alone.
whichwayisup Posted February 12, 2012 Posted February 12, 2012 I have not said that I want to engage in anything with him. I am saying I am feeling bad for even being attracted to him. I know what having sex with someone who is married means. I have been there before and I don't want to go through it again. I just want to know how to properly deal with the anxiety I feel. When I noticed he was married, I expected the fact that he chose to avoid me and I avoided him as well. Again, it was only when we were forced to speak in a social setting that he has started to lighten up. I only felt confused when he started smiling at me and the like. Remember, he used to avoid me like the plague. You are aware that no good can come of this. that's a good thing. It's OK to be attracted to others, even if they are married. it's keeping things in perspective, don't allow yourself to think and fantasize, let your mind wander and wonder about him. He isn't a friend, and should never be a friend.
Author lovebug180 Posted February 12, 2012 Author Posted February 12, 2012 You are coworkers first and foremost that is how you deal with it. You shouldn't go to work noticing who notices you or acknowledges you. As long as you come in everyday with a smile towards everyone and say good morning and goodnight you are acknowledging everyone which is normal at every workplace. The attraction is something you created in your mind. So now forget it. What is there to feel bad about if you didn't do anything aside from doing your job? Leave it alone. Thank you for your input. I feel bad for the attraction but I am working through it.
whichwayisup Posted February 12, 2012 Posted February 12, 2012 Why do you feel so bad about it? Crushes, attractions happen, it's natural and just because one is married or in a relationship, doesn't mean you're (general you) are dead and can't notice others. It only becomes a problem when you allow yourself to get wrapped up in the fantasy and allow feelings to grow, feed upon what the mind creates.
robf1971 Posted February 12, 2012 Posted February 12, 2012 Why do you feel so bad about it? Crushes, attractions happen, it's natural and just because one is married or in a relationship, doesn't mean you're (general you) are dead and can't notice others. It only becomes a problem when you allow yourself to get wrapped up in the fantasy and allow feelings to grow, feed upon what the mind creates. Exactly, you also need to ask the question. What kind of creep would be chasing around after other women if he's married?
The Blue Knight Posted February 12, 2012 Posted February 12, 2012 I work with a guy who uses the "standoff technique" which eventually leads women to ask him if there's a problem, or something along the lines of "do you not like me?" That leads him to say that he heard this or that about them which leads to the female opening up about herself and he just moves in for the kill from that point on. I don't know if this guy is using the same technique since I'm not there to see it firsthand. But it's not an unusual approach. The fact that you've been in an affair with a married man before and it turned out badly I'd think you'd want to avoid even going down that road again. No, you haven't done anything up to this point but "think" about him. And thankfully that's as far as it's gone. It's easy to walk away now. Get involved with him, and it will be much, much harder. And hurt is the inevitable outcome for someone. Then there are women who are thrilled by pursuing married men to see if they can attract them. Sometimes it's because they know that in the long run it's safe because it can only be for sex and thrills and nothing long term. Other times it's an ego booster for the woman seeking the affair. I'm not saying this is you. I'm just saying be aware of your own motives and make sure that isn't a common trait in your personality.
Author lovebug180 Posted February 12, 2012 Author Posted February 12, 2012 I work with a guy who uses the "standoff technique" which eventually leads women to ask him if there's a problem, or something along the lines of "do you not like me?" That leads him to say that he heard this or that about them which leads to the female opening up about herself and he just moves in for the kill from that point on. I don't know if this guy is using the same technique since I'm not there to see it firsthand. But it's not an unusual approach. The fact that you've been in an affair with a married man before and it turned out badly I'd think you'd want to avoid even going down that road again. No, you haven't done anything up to this point but "think" about him. And thankfully that's as far as it's gone. It's easy to walk away now. Get involved with him, and it will be much, much harder. And hurt is the inevitable outcome for someone. Then there are women who are thrilled by pursuing married men to see if they can attract them. Sometimes it's because they know that in the long run it's safe because it can only be for sex and thrills and nothing long term. Other times it's an ego booster for the woman seeking the affair. I'm not saying this is you. I'm just saying be aware of your own motives and make sure that isn't a common trait in your personality. I am not thrilled by it, I was respecting that he was avoiding me because he is married. I thought that was the basis for the whole thing and it is why I never considered approaching him to say "hey what's your deal dude" or anything like that. reading the comments now, I do believe that whole standoffish thing was to see if I would break and finally say something to him rather than him saying something to me. Now that he does speak he smiles every time I see him and the person that once avoided me takes initiative first. I am not debating about sleeping with him. I do feel bad about the awkwardness of tge attraction and I feel silly I couldn't see the signs. Part of me is trying to convince myself that I am crazy and this is not going on at work. This complete turn around happened in a matter of two days
The Blue Knight Posted February 12, 2012 Posted February 12, 2012 I am not thrilled by it, I was respecting that he was avoiding me because he is married. I thought that was the basis for the whole thing and it is why I never considered approaching him to say "hey what's your deal dude" or anything like that. reading the comments now, I do believe that whole standoffish thing was to see if I would break and finally say something to him rather than him saying something to me. Now that he does speak he smiles every time I see him and the person that once avoided me takes initiative first. I am not debating about sleeping with him. I do feel bad about the awkwardness of tge attraction and I feel silly I couldn't see the signs. Part of me is trying to convince myself that I am crazy and this is not going on at work. This complete turn around happened in a matter of two days And again I can't say that he was using the "standoff technique" to see where you were at. Not knowing him or seeing his behavior first-hand I have no clue. I just know guys use that at times and it seems to work. Kind of develops a mystery feeling in the woman like "what is it about me that this guy doesn't like?" Affairs happen every day and their are millions of people engaged in them at any one time across the globe. But they seldom have good endings. For a woman it can't be a good ending when you'll end up feeling used for someone's sexual outlet. But then, there are plenty of women out there who do the same thing, and they aren't looking for love as much as they're looking for someone to just f*ck.
Shiloh 2011 Posted February 14, 2012 Posted February 14, 2012 I am not thrilled by it, I was respecting that he was avoiding me because he is married. I thought that was the basis for the whole thing and it is why I never considered approaching him to say "hey what's your deal dude" or anything like that. reading the comments now, I do believe that whole standoffish thing was to see if I would break and finally say something to him rather than him saying something to me. Now that he does speak he smiles every time I see him and the person that once avoided me takes initiative first. I am not debating about sleeping with him. I do feel bad about the awkwardness of tge attraction and I feel silly I couldn't see the signs. Part of me is trying to convince myself that I am crazy and this is not going on at work. This complete turn around happened in a matter of two days Here's what to do - tell yourself "I am attracted to this man", so you know you're not going crazy. Then realize that attractions happen all the time, whether or not the people involved are married. It's no one's fault. Then, dig down deep and tell yourself that he's married and it's not meant to be because if it was you would have met him with both of you weren't married. Then, try not to think about him romantically. Just smile and keep your conversations with him to a minimum and business-only. Keep reminding yourself that he sleeps in bed with someone else each night and if he really wanted a relationship with you, he would move out of that relationship first. Finally, treat yourself each time you succeed in treating him like anyone else at work. Over time, your attraction will fade and you'll be able to move on. It sucks, but that's the way it has to be sometimes. Time heals all wounds.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted February 14, 2012 Posted February 14, 2012 I already know what type of reactions to expect. But I expect this, this is the internet. I started at a new company about a month and a half ago, and on the first day, I saw a guy that I was instantly attracted to. I never let off that I was attracted to him. Since his department neighbors mine, I found that we would pass each other a lot. I soon begin to notice that he was not that friendly and he never spoke or said good morning to me or even good afternoon. He avoided me and if we would ever make eye contact he would hurry up and look away. I also then noticed the ring on his finger. The odd behavior continued on and I genuinely felt as if he did not like me, and that perhaps I had done something to offend him. I looked at things differently though one day when I caught him stealing glances in the break room. I knew something was up then. I let the behavior continued and just decided to avoid him, and it was always tense if we were around each other. It started to become more and more tense over the past few weeks. Well earlier this week we were forced in a situation that we had to speak. I decided to break the ice and every since then he has come alive. He speaks to me now, smiles, I notice he is more observant and now he doesn't shy away from me. I also noticed the last time I was at work that he became bothered when I was interacting with another male co-worker and he was trying to watch what we were doing. I am afraid and I feel bad because I am attracted to him and I know now that he is attracted to me. He is no longer trying to hide it. He smiles, he speaks to me, and I feel uncomfortable around him because I feel the attraction and I think he was feeling the uncomfortableness too. Now that the barrier has been broken, I find us communicating more and not being afraid to be around one another. I don't know what to do. I am trying to put it out of my head that I am attracted to him and it makes me feel like ****. And I know that yes he is married and I am not planning on pursuing an affair. I just want to know what should I do to stop feeling so down. I have been with a married man before and I am afraid of going back down that road again and I feel the sexual attraction between us becoming stronger and stronger each time we pass each other. There are times where we do still avoid each other, but the times were it is unavoidable that we do have to be around each other we are not hiding our attraction. I just need sound advice. You know that feeling when you're on "Bing Maps" and you map the most efficient path between San Diego and Sydney, Nova Scotia ??? ... and then you zoom-in really far, so much so that you're looking at the surface streets of Joplin, MO (despite your 3800-mile layout from coast to coast and from south to north) ?? Well that is akin to what you're doing with your thoughts here. He's not single... he sensed your physical appeal... yet hopefully for reasons of proper/suitable/ideal internal structure, he merely avoided the attractive element nearby, especially in the work environment, in deference to his wife. When the time came where two coworkers needed to interact, the seeming 'ice' was broken, professionally on both sides, and now, because WORK (and time) have caused a more significant familiarity between the two of you... there IS indeed a higher level of comfort. The jury is still out... and what you describe happens in similar detail in most North American office environments. When he one day grabs your ass or something... then we here might be able to suggest tactful responses... but until then, at least let yourself observe more 'normalcy' in the situation than you might be doing, and don't occupy your thoughts day and night merely contemplating (what are akin to the streets of Joplin, Missouri as mentioned above).
Author lovebug180 Posted February 20, 2012 Author Posted February 20, 2012 You know that feeling when you're on "Bing Maps" and you map the most efficient path between San Diego and Sydney, Nova Scotia ??? ... and then you zoom-in really far, so much so that you're looking at the surface streets of Joplin, MO (despite your 3800-mile layout from coast to coast and from south to north) ?? Well that is akin to what you're doing with your thoughts here. He's not single... he sensed your physical appeal... yet hopefully for reasons of proper/suitable/ideal internal structure, he merely avoided the attractive element nearby, especially in the work environment, in deference to his wife. When the time came where two coworkers needed to interact, the seeming 'ice' was broken, professionally on both sides, and now, because WORK (and time) have caused a more significant familiarity between the two of you... there IS indeed a higher level of comfort. The jury is still out... and what you describe happens in similar detail in most North American office environments. When he one day grabs your ass or something... then we here might be able to suggest tactful responses... but until then, at least let yourself observe more 'normalcy' in the situation than you might be doing, and don't occupy your thoughts day and night merely contemplating (what are akin to the streets of Joplin, Missouri as mentioned above). I see what you are saying but I know when something does not feel right. We started speaking in passing not even having conversation but now he avoids me again and I let him. Even when he came into the breakroom and sat near me, I ignored him and went on. There is tension between us. Now it feels strange again and it is creating discomfort in the work place.
Author lovebug180 Posted February 20, 2012 Author Posted February 20, 2012 Go to your supervisor and tell the supervisor you don't have nearly enough work to do and as a result of the lack of enough work to do, you spend much of your work day having inappropriate romantic fantasies about your co-workers. Ask for a huge pile of additional work as this will take your mind off your inappropriate thoughts and you will be better at your job. Work is for work. Your mind should be focused on your job. You are reading way too much into these social interactions. You both need to be pleasant and professional with each other. You have no idea what this man is thinking. Don't make assumptions. If you feel uncomfortable around him that is your issue not his; he has done nothing at all inappropriate as you have described it. If you do sense he is uneasy around you at times, it seems to me he is justified. Rather than just keeping your mind on your work, you are having sexual fantasies about this man, and he might sense that. I think perhaps you have misread my posts. I never said I had fantasies about him. Look I came here for advice but I don't want to be seen as I am making anything up in my head. I said hello this morning PROFESSIONALLy and he ignored me and ran the other way. And what I mean by discomfort is that it feels tense to be around each other. I am grown, I know how to keep work and play separate. I never said he did anything inapproprite.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 I see what you are saying but I know when something does not feel right. We started speaking in passing not even having conversation but now he avoids me again and I let him. Even when he came into the breakroom and sat near me, I ignored him and went on. There is tension between us. Now it feels strange again and it is creating discomfort in the work place. While this may not play-out visibly in all such situations, it is very possible that some parts of his mind WANT to reach-into the proverbial cookie jar... but MAYBE this is what happens when 'decent-enough' guys try with all their might to RESIST their urges, because they value what they have at home with their wives. As for "tension in the workplace", UN-TIL he grabs your ass, or makes outward sexual or otherwise offensive remarks, you have no recourse. I don't see anything 'wrong' yet done, and I don't sense you to be suggesting that anything 'wrong' has happened. However, I'm sure it is entirely possible to get oneself worked-up and 'tense' in response to another person, almost entirely independently OF that other person. What have you observed thus far to suggest that he isn't (a) Drawn to you AND (b) Resisting merely because he values what he has at home ??
standtall Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 I have been with a married man before and I am afraid of going back down that road again Then don't. The choice is 100% yours.
Recommended Posts