complicated1 Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 I am sorry if this isn't in the right section, but I need some help here. It's not a simple situation. I've been dating a man that is separated. He had advised wife that they needed to go to counseling, they did, she needed to "prove the value of their marriage", she did not, they decided to divorce. We started dating when he was married/living with wife and kids, and really hit it off. He said to me, and other friends, after he separated, that he had been in a 6 year sexless marriage. Since he has separated he's needed his time "to get healthy, feel whole, ...". He's been seeing a therapist. He has been reluctant to see me, we've only seen each other a few times in last 6 months, since he separated. At first, he was excited about moving out, talked of our future, ... But over time has withdrawn from me. Now, here is where I am putting things together which make me feel completly uneasy, and sorry for the upcoming run on sentence. I am just going to rattle all these points off: have only heard of one gf in his life and he had a threesome with her and her husband (he was in love with her), comes from culturally conservative society that frowns on gay folks, said sex between him & his wife was "always awkward", was taking viagra with me but said he was in sexless marriage (how did he know he needed viagra if he never "cheated"), sounds like a giddy school girl when he talks about his childhood friend who is his bff now, drinks a lot & smokes pot but has professional job, not bonded with son but TOO close with daughter, took theatre class in high school, has lots of woman friends, said within a conversation about bisexuality "I think that's normal", is now constantly going out with an old male theatre friend who just got out of a divorce and wanted to spend NYE with him, took a trip with 3 other guys, 2 of who's sexuality may be questionable - where his wife "was really mad at him", he is completely gay friendly not homophobic, he & his wife agreed that "they never had the proper foundation to get married", he goes out a lot socially, 1st choice to go to Paul McCartney concert was with childhood guy friend - "because they both play guitar", in bed he's more interested in satisfying me than himself, and "doesn't have to come" to be happy, has a lot of friends that he's close to - always going out together both male & female, even though he has kids, lost his virginity late (20 yrs old approx), was afraid to tell parents of divorce because of their conservative culture. Now, the wife freaked out when he told her of our affair which prompted him to move out. But, she was never his social companion to concerts, dinners, parties, she never wanted to go out, so for many years he always went out solo. Who the hell knows what's up now with their separation as I broke up with him on New Years day. But I can see from facebook that he's spending a lot of time with his recently divorced male friend. The friend actually took a photo of my guy and posted it, they were at some party. What straight guy does that? And then they had plans for NYE until we reconnected & I questioned him, he had asked me out for the Friday night before. I know there is another category of men that have sex with men, but he does seem "bonded" to his men friends. None of them are gay. His other childhood friend, after not ever being married in 50 years just moved in with a woman. So, obviously I am confused as hell. Even if he "wanted to get healthy" during his separation, why wouldn't he want to spend time with me, have sex with me, he prefers to go out with all these other people - male & female? No, he's not a "player" by any means & I can confidently say he doesn't have another gf. Quite possibly trying to reconcile with wife, I don't know. Anyway, there is a lot of wisdom on these boards and I need some help here. It is not so easy to just say forget him, move on, I feel like I am pretty lost here. Is this a case of odd occurances just adding up to what is right under your nose. That he stayed in a sexless marriage because his physical intimacy was really with a man? So, then why "fall in love with me"? Or am I out of my mind? Help!!
StrongerThanB4 Posted February 12, 2012 Posted February 12, 2012 So you've known all these things all this time..and just chalked it up and said to yourself what! You were his pawn...his way of telling people he isnt gay or bi..but it seems quite obvious the dudes into guys! Obviously it would seem silly to him if his wife found out he was having an affair with a guy no? You were his easy way out. Now he'll go off with random guys and be GAY! LOL Sorry but thats what he is. Maybe you were his last straight hura. Maybe thats karma for straying with a married man?
kaylan Posted February 12, 2012 Posted February 12, 2012 The only thing that gave me slight pause was the 3 some. But its likely that this threesome was the kind where the guys dont touch and they just tag team the woman. This happens in porn all the time. Besides that nothing else you said makes me think hes gay. I think hes just someone who doesnt have an issue with people who arent straight.
Kidd Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 Sit him down for a serious conversation and ask him. Communication is everything.
HHC Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 It could simply be that he feels free now that he isn't married and is enjoying people's company. Plenty of males take pictures of themselves at parties and post them on facebook. Doesn't make him bi. Many guys like to please women and not come. Doesn't make them bi. Do you have an issue with bisexuality? Bisexuality doesn't mean you cheat.
standtall Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 Complicated..what a mess. Your user name is an understatement. Why is it exactly, that you're involved with this guy?
Author complicated1 Posted February 13, 2012 Author Posted February 13, 2012 The only thing that gave me slight pause was the 3 some. But its likely that this threesome was the kind where the guys dont touch and they just tag team the woman. This happens in porn all the time. Besides that nothing else you said makes me think hes gay. I think hes just someone who doesnt have an issue with people who arent straight. Thanks, it's a bit confusing. I have zero problem with gay people, have a ton of friends that are gay or lesbian, not a problem.
Author complicated1 Posted February 13, 2012 Author Posted February 13, 2012 Complicated..what a mess. Your user name is an understatement. Why is it exactly, that you're involved with this guy? Thank you, thank you for this. This alone helps me try to move on and and away. Truly.
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