sunny7 Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 (edited) Hi, please to meet you guys! Just registered I was hoping I would find some advice and answers for the problems I have been having. Well here is my story…. So I have been going out with my boyfriend for little more than 4 years. He is my first everything. I am his first everything. We started going out senior year of high school and we are in our senior year of college. At first, my parents were completely against us dating, them being typical Asian parents (he is Asian too btw, just not the same type :/). Things got really bad, so I had resort to running away from home. Ever since then, he has been supporting me, and we live together. We are together almost 24/7. Three years later from running away from home, I am trying to mend things with my family, and it’s going well…I think. First few years of dating, we were in our own little world. We never went out, just stayed by ourselves, having the time of our lives. We were completely in love. But now he feels like he missed out on life. (going out, drinking and all that) There was always this question in the back of his mind. What else is out there that I am missing out on? How different are other girls like? Am I attractive to other girls? How does sex feel different with other girls? Am I able to pick up chicks on the regular if was not tied down? Nowadays, when we are in public, he does not treat me like his girlfriend. No hand holding, no hugging, and god forbid kissing. When we walk to class, he is at least 5 ft away from me. Just so that just in case a girl checks him out he appears to be single. We do have sex often (me initiated) but never makes out with me. Overtime, this has taken a toll on me. What am I to him? Is he even attracted to me? Am I just here for his needs? Just this past weekend, we went out to a club with a couple of our friends. Before going out, I would ask him how I look, and he only gives me half-hearted answers, and only cared about how he looked, which frustrated me to no end! We got to the club and I was standing right next to him, and he just went over to a girl and started grinding on her, and making out with her. I was mortified! Now I can’t get the image out of my head and it has been a nightmare. We talked about being with other people in clubs and bars, just so that he could fulfill his “dreams”, but only when it was agreed on. And that night, we had not agreed on such things prior to going out. I would have been “fine” with just grinding. But seriously…making out? As if grinding the hell out of her wasn’t enough. We talked about it. Making out with her did not feel different to him. Only thing that was different was that with me, there is no “thrill of the hunt”. How am I supposed to respond to this? He hasn't apologized, because I'm sure he wants to do it again, and take it further. He is everything I look for in a soul-mate, and he is my best friend in the whole world. I am just afraid all I am to him now…is a friend, and not a girlfriend. He is certain he wants to marry me and start a family, but for now he wants the thrill and fun. We really do enjoy each other's company, get along really well. Just this aspect of the relationship is painful to me. Wow that was long….thank you very much in advance… Edited February 11, 2012 by sunny7
Professor X Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 First of all, I wanna say that I can't blame the guy, it's quite common for people (men and women) to reach a certain age where they feel like they want to explore the world, see what they are missing out on, etc etc. Now, I am not justifying his action at all, because he is in a committed RS, and as such, he needs to put the "need" of the RS ahead of his own needs or your own - which he doesn't seem to do. If you talked to him about it, explained to him that it's not OK for him to go and make out (or grinding - I have no idea why you opened this door for him) with others, explained to him how it hurts you, and he refuses to change, than perhaps it's best if you give your RS a 2nd thought. If you believe he'll come back than make it a temporary pause, if you doubt, than best to cut it off completely. Wish I knew a way to manipulate him into dropping the whole idea, but I know how strong it can have a hold on you once it settles in - the whole idea that there's so much more to see is just huge, overwhelming even. And as for the soul mate part, you sure? You sure you don't say it because you haven't been with anyone else? Because you are saying you want a man who distances himself from you purposefully, doesn't initiate sex, is bored of you, doesn't want others to know you're together, etc etc... Rethink it, I'm pretty sure it's your lack of experience / fear that is talking.
Ninjainpajamas Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 This is why I hate when young guys get into serious relationships at a young age, because they don't know what the hell they are doing or what they are getting themselves into. When you're young like that, you don't realize the concept of "long-term" and all the obstacles and changes that happen within a relationship. So down the road you kinda do this guilt trip on yourself and from the pressure you are getting from your girlfriend, because you realize that maybe you didn't quite live your life and do enough free bird flying...seeing what's out there and fulfilling your man-nature desire to explore..and yes that includes women. I know a lot of women would like to not agree with that, but no man is ready at that young of an age..It's really a time where you should be growing up and finding yourself. Men especially need to do that where as with women they like to dig in like ticks and then never let go because they think you're the greatest thing ever even though you treat them like ****...you're one of many Sunny7, another girl thinking she's with the man of her dreams and willing to go through the ringer in hopes that it'll be like it was in the beginning when you're basically being dragged through mud the entire time. This relationship has run it's course...unless you're one of those people who are "relationships take work" and think that means getting your heart beaten to a pulp until eventually the man submits or starts to conform to what she wants. Even though she's turning a blind eye to what the man is saying he needs, she thinks she can manipulate that for some reason...It's quite the joke. I understand it's been a long relationship and you were each others firsts, but relationships and love take a lot more than that...more than you both realize at the moment due to your extreme limited amount of experience. But it's time to take a step back and realize that this relationship is not what you're making it out in your mind with your fantasies of that perfect little life. What you went through together was real and valid for your own experience, but take it for what it is and stop trying to force a round peg into a square hole. He says he wants to marry you and have a family because he sees that something as way down the road, but trust me you're not going to want to be around in the meantime while he burns (or tries) a trail through women, If anything the indulging in that behavior only makes it worst...and I'm speaking from experience on that one. And I'm 31 and still barely coming around to that "family life" and "marriage" yet to me, I've always wanted those things "eventually". So do you realize how long you could be waiting around and do you really think that his actions aren't going to tear you apart? don't you realize that he is already grinding on girls and kissing them is too far? Do you really want to get your ass burned by some girl in a club that might have an invisible case of herpes? You should let this guy and move on, I know you're going to try and swing from his balls for as long as you can, but I'm sorry If you have any self-respect or confidence and dignity, you need to walk away now, before he does things that hurt you for the rest of your life possibly. Look at women on here, many are still hurt and bruised from **** years ago, talk to other women you know, trust me...they remember and never forget, so I hope you have some sense and get out of the building before it explodes and you're left with all the pieces.
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