kin Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 I started dating a woman 1 month ago. She only has time to go out with me once a week so we've gone on 4 dates total. All of the dates have been in the middle of the week. When I ask her to go out on the weekend she either gives me an excuse or simply says "Sorry, I'm not available". In fact, I asked her out Saturday night(tonight) and she said she had a Birthday party to go to. Why wouldn't she invite me? On the 3rd and 4th date we started getting physically affectionate i.e. holding hands, cuddling, kissing. We get along great and clearly enjoy each other. We're going out to dinner on Valentines Day (a Tuesday) and our 5th official date. Why won't she spend time with me on the weekends? and why can we only hang out once a week? I'm 32 and she's 30 so I'd like to think we're past the point of childish games. Thoughts?
SabreDC Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 I'm not a female so take this with a grain of salt, but my guess is that she is just someone who enjoys the non-dating aspect of her life as well. I'm recently back into the dating scene and the "problem" (I use that word very loosely because it's really a problem) I've found is that as people get older, they've been in friendships with other people that are very strong and it is hard being an outsider to that. It just sounds like she keeps her weekends busy with her other friends. I think the fact that you have a date with her on Valentine's Day says something about your importance to her. If I were you, I'd let her be with her friends on the weekend but maybe take the time during the week to try and introduce her to your own social circle. Once she sees that you're willing to introduce her to your friends, maybe she'll feel the same way and your respective social circles will start merging. Honestly, I'd be more concerned if she was willing to ditch all her friends and spend time with you and you only. That says more about her loyalty toward her friends. In the situation that you're in, it seems evident that her friends are of high importance to her and as you become a closer friend, you will be too. Just my two cents...
ShannonMI Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 I started dating a woman 1 month ago. She only has time to go out with me once a week so we've gone on 4 dates total. All of the dates have been in the middle of the week. When I ask her to go out on the weekend she either gives me an excuse or simply says "Sorry, I'm not available". In fact, I asked her out Saturday night(tonight) and she said she had a Birthday party to go to. Why wouldn't she invite me? On the 3rd and 4th date we started getting physically affectionate i.e. holding hands, cuddling, kissing. We get along great and clearly enjoy each other. We're going out to dinner on Valentines Day (a Tuesday) and our 5th official date. Why won't she spend time with me on the weekends? and why can we only hang out once a week? I'm 32 and she's 30 so I'd like to think we're past the point of childish games. Thoughts? Maybe she wants time to spend on her own. I get like that. I like my alone time or I like to just hang out with my girls without the men around. I don't need to be up my boyfriend's @ss 24/7. That's probably what's going on with this girl.
EspressoTorte Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 Yeah, considering she's willing to go out with you on Valentine's should rate. She might be wanting to just take things slow.
ditzchic Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 For me personally, weekday dates hold more significance than weekend dates. The weekend is happy fun party time, weekdays are when I'm the real "me" so I would see that as a plus. I usually don't do weekday dates until I'm really comfortable with someone and I think that they are worth the effort to squeeze them in my busy schedule. And that you are seeing her on Valentine's day is huge. If you were just a back-up you most likely wouldn't be. And I think 4 dates is a bit early for you to expect her to invite you to a party with her friends. I probably wouldn't invite a guy that soon. She's probably just the type of girl who has her own full life and she likes it. That's a good way to be. She won't be the girl that is clinging all over you whenever she is bored (which is often for people with no lives). Of course if your the type of guy that is often bored and likes a girl that is clingy and always around then you two just may not be compatible.
chelsea2011 Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 She has a life and that's a good thing. I wouldn't want to date someone who doesn't have one...that's for sure! How much notice are you giving her when you ask her out on a weekend date? If you are just giving her a day or two notice then you are probably missing out because she also has a life.
PhillyDude Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 why the hell is this a bad thing? I would love to go out with someone once a week which means I can stick to my budget. Why do you want to see her everyday?
Easyguy14 Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 why the hell is this a bad thing? I would love to go out with someone once a week which means I can stick to my budget. Why do you want to see her everyday? agreed^^. I dont understand why the op is making a fuss. this girl is still making efforts to be with him but yet he's complaining why he cant see her all the time?
Author kin Posted February 12, 2012 Author Posted February 12, 2012 (edited) Thanks for all your insightful responses. I'm not upset, just more or less confused by the situation. I've dated a lot and never really encountered someone who barely communicates with me until the day of our date. Generally there are emails, maybe a text, or perhaps a phone call every now and again. It's fine, I have my own life and don't need to rush this either. I'm definitely not the kind of guy who wants to spend everyday with a girl, but I guess I'm used to dating those types of girls so I found this odd. Anyways, thanks again. I'm sure the comments about her having her own life are probably spot on. Edited February 12, 2012 by kin
PhillyDude Posted February 12, 2012 Posted February 12, 2012 Thanks for all your insightful responses. I'm not upset, just more or less confused by the situation. I've dated a lot and never really encountered someone who barely communicates with me until the day of our date. Generally there are emails, maybe a text, or perhaps a phone call every now and again. It's fine, I have my own life and don't need to rush this either. I'm definitely not the kind of guy who wants to spend everyday with a girl, but I guess I'm used to dating those types of girls so I found this odd. Anyways, thanks again. I'm sure the comments about her having her own life are probably spot on. If you are saying that she is only showing interest right before the date then that is a problem. I was under the impression that she was initiating contact in between dates not just talking to you right before the day. So it sounds like it maybe someone else if you can only see her during the week. No way in hell would I be spending my money on a girl who didn't show interest before the date.
ScienceGal Posted February 12, 2012 Posted February 12, 2012 Why won't she spend time with me on the weekends? and why can we only hang out once a week? I'm 32 and she's 30 so I'd like to think we're past the point of childish games. Thoughts? I am 30, and when I start dating someone again it will be slow... a rate of once per week sounds fine to me. This is because 1) I am busy 2) I don't expect my date to pay for me, so for budgetary reasons like Phillydude mentioned, and 3) IME, too much too soon leads to failure. So, I don't see anything childish about this; in fact, taking things slowly is the mature thing to do. That said, if several more dates go by (2-3 weeks at your rate of seeing her) and she doesn't start either making weekend time for you, or inviting you along with whatever she is doing, I would speak up. It might be that you are looking for something more serious than she is, and that's ok. It doesn't make either one of you a bad person.
NYC-BigKat Posted February 12, 2012 Posted February 12, 2012 If you are saying that she is only showing interest right before the date then that is a problem. I was under the impression that she was initiating contact in between dates not just talking to you right before the day. So it sounds like it maybe someone else if you can only see her during the week. No way in hell would I be spending my money on a girl who didn't show interest before the date. If she looks nice & wants to date him even once a month is good enough for me so I'd be pretty happy .
KathyM Posted February 12, 2012 Posted February 12, 2012 Maybe I'm going against the flow here, but I think this is a little bit of a red flag. It shows that she does not give her relationship with a potential bf a high priority in her life. That you are just a supplement to her life to fill in to that slot when she wishes. That would be a little concerning for me if a person I was interested in chose to do things with other people every weekend, and only fit me in for one night during the week. My sister dated someone like this. He had such a full, busy life with so much going on that it always seemed like he was just trying to squeeze in time with her when he could and was not giving having a romantic relationship a priority with him. She wanted to be a priority in his life, and when she saw that that was not going to happen, she let him go. He was a great guy, but she didn't want to feel like he was fitting her into his busy schedule. She wanted to feel like she was a priority in his life. If she continues to abandon you for the weekends in favor of everyone or everything else, then you may want to consider if that's something you'd be happy with for the long term--being a side dish and not a main dish. While I think it's important to have a well rounded life and other people in your life and other things besides a romantic partner, it's also important to give that aspect of your life (a relationship with a romantic partner) a priority.
carhill Posted February 12, 2012 Posted February 12, 2012 She's dating other men on the weekends IMO. Nothing wrong with that. Here's a test. If V-day goes swimmingly, ask her out to a nice restaurant for Saturday night. I just had another thought, one borne of the cynical and experienced mind of a 52 yo man. She might be married or LTR with someone and is only 'free' during the week. Long shot but I've seen and experienced it personally more than once. As mentioned, take it slow. I'd likely socialize with others on the weekends. Nothing wrong with the gander having some fun
KathyM Posted February 12, 2012 Posted February 12, 2012 She's dating other men on the weekends IMO. Nothing wrong with that. Here's a test. If V-day goes swimmingly, ask her out to a nice restaurant for Saturday night. I just had another thought, one borne of the cynical and experienced mind of a 52 yo man. She might be married or LTR with someone and is only 'free' during the week. Long shot but I've seen and experienced it personally more than once. As mentioned, take it slow. I'd likely socialize with others on the weekends. Nothing wrong with the gander having some fun That thought crossed my mind too--that she's saving the weekends for dating others, or is already in a relationship and looking for more--but I would think if she was free to go out with him on Valentine's Day, that if there was someone else in the picture, she wouldn't be free on that day. So I'm thinking she just has a very busy life, and does not make romantic relationships a priority for her.
xxoo Posted February 12, 2012 Posted February 12, 2012 She's dating other men on the weekends IMO. Nothing wrong with that. Here's a test. If V-day goes swimmingly, ask her out to a nice restaurant for Saturday night. I just had another thought, one borne of the cynical and experienced mind of a 52 yo man. She might be married or LTR with someone and is only 'free' during the week. Long shot but I've seen and experienced it personally more than once. As mentioned, take it slow. I'd likely socialize with others on the weekends. Nothing wrong with the gander having some fun I guess we are both cynical, because I had the same thoughts
carhill Posted February 12, 2012 Posted February 12, 2012 The V-day date is a mitigating factor, but my canary will start gasping if something mysteriously 'comes up' and she sends regrets. Had that happen more than once during the period which impelled my cynical perspective. IME, with those women whom I did end up in LTR's with or married to, there was no 'schedule'. They were proactive in socializing and pressing flesh as often as possible. That was the overriding commonality. The 'schedulers', without exception, ended up scheduling me out of existence. Yep, go with the flow. Build no pedestals.
Chicago_Guy Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 Maybe I'm going against the flow here, but I think this is a little bit of a red flag. It shows that she does not give her relationship with a potential bf a high priority in her life. That you are just a supplement to her life to fill in to that slot when she wishes. That would be a little concerning for me if a person I was interested in chose to do things with other people every weekend, and only fit me in for one night during the week. My sister dated someone like this. He had such a full, busy life with so much going on that it always seemed like he was just trying to squeeze in time with her when he could and was not giving having a romantic relationship a priority with him. She wanted to be a priority in his life, and when she saw that that was not going to happen, she let him go. He was a great guy, but she didn't want to feel like he was fitting her into his busy schedule. She wanted to feel like she was a priority in his life. If she continues to abandon you for the weekends in favor of everyone or everything else, then you may want to consider if that's something you'd be happy with for the long term--being a side dish and not a main dish. While I think it's important to have a well rounded life and other people in your life and other things besides a romantic partner, it's also important to give that aspect of your life (a relationship with a romantic partner) a priority. I agree with you. I wouldn't want to date a girl who only wanted to date me during the workweek. Obviously she places her dating life below hanging out with her friends or whatever else she is doing. I know that sometimes women are advised to have very busy schedules because this somehow makes them more desirable, although this practice wouldn't work on me because I would assume that someone who is rarely available is not very interested in me.
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