Mme. Chaucer Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 In the other identical thread, I suggested that the OP might want to reach out to his / her evident psychic twin from this past thread, in hopes of finding support: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t276690/?highlight=grampi
Author feelinglost29 Posted February 13, 2012 Author Posted February 13, 2012 Good Grief Man. Do you even hear yourself? Are you really saying that you would be powerless to resist the pull of a prostitute? Are you really saying that knowing what you now know about her, if your wife got angry and wanted a divorce you would not be able to keep yourself away from the prostitute? Really? Phoenix, That's taking it a bit out of context (not intended to be insulting). I know that if I told my wife (TODAY), when I'm weak and falling apart inside, then yes I would run back to her. You're talking to a guy that rationalized a four year relationship with a prostitute as finding his soulmate. What do YOU think that idiot would do? I think with some stability right now, this idiot, will make the right decisions. Like I've said, there may come a time to talk to my wife. But this is going to be worked out in therapy. MME chaucer, Keep your comments about this being BS to yourself. Life is complicated and messy sometimes, so this is unbelievable to you, excellent. You can award yourself some detective ribbon for figuring out the great troll mystery. I'm done responding to you as if you're trying to get involved and offer something useful. Just leave this alone, please.
Author feelinglost29 Posted February 13, 2012 Author Posted February 13, 2012 In other words, you wouldn't support your wife like you should, further screw her over and then run back to your hooker and you make it sound like you have no choice in the matter. Crap just "happens" to you. Got it. I'm not saying that crap just happens to me. I am not blaming anyone, including the prostitute, besides me for the last four years. She didn't happen to me, I chose her, I carried it on for four years and I called and made it real love in my mind. I DID THIS, didn't "just happen to me". What I am saying is that I know me, I know my strengths and weaknesses and I know what I would do.
Mme. Chaucer Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 MME chaucer, Keep your comments about this being BS to yourself. Life is complicated and messy sometimes, so this is unbelievable to you, excellent. You can award yourself some detective ribbon for figuring out the great troll mystery. I'm done responding to you as if you're trying to get involved and offer something useful. Just leave this alone, please. Okay. I know life is complicated - but I thought it might be helpful for you to have a critical eye on your prose. Your use of language ("the prostitute" for a woman "you" have had a 4 year relationship with and supposedly love?) and attempts to insert emotion, and fake interactions with others here, clearly to keep this whole thing "alive" - well, to put it simply, you have a weak grasp on character development. You also have a super easily recognizable "voice" in all your threads, and they all have the identical trajectory. You'll need to work on those issues if you want your stories to be believed. Why do you keep coming back here with these efforts? What's your purpose? I am truly curious about that.
mitchell Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 You've been scammed. Use that knowledge and anger to get on with your life. Go home now and take your wife in your arms. Make love to your wife now and start your life anew. Rededicate your efforts to you family. Good luck with your therapy.
Mme. Chaucer Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 Go home now and take your wife in your arms. Make love to your wife now and start your life anew. After the results from the STD tests come in, of course ...
mitchell Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 After the results from the STD tests come in, of course ... Of course, but you know what I meant.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted February 14, 2012 Posted February 14, 2012 i know some feel you shouldn't tell your wife, but i disagree.... think of it this way... what if your wife were to find out from someone other than you that you have been cheating on her with a prostitute... While this remains the ONLY sensible criteria for deciding to TELL a partner about your cheating, it is still extremely unlikely (no matter the google data, or the statements by the working girl) that the working girl would actually turn up and say anything to the wife or other family members. The OP has leverage on the working girl, in that her family members don't know what she does. Frozenspouts, You do make good points, and I can't argue against any of them on a rational level. I am scared that that the prostitute will come to my home and confront me or my wife. This gives you added incentive to completely cease all communication efforts with the working girl. People who are motivated from deep within (in NOT such a good way) as she is simply do not possess the attention span to waste any grease on a 'wheel' that isn't presently squeaking. Focus your energy instead on just how quickly and directly you are going to unburden yourself at your appointment on Tuesday. See if you can rekindle something within yourself as you sense your own energetic giving of your all TO the therapy session. Therapy only gives back as much as you offer it, and it would really help that you are inspired from the opening bell to share the whole story in some detail (to the extent needed just to get the point across).
SincereOnlineGuy Posted February 14, 2012 Posted February 14, 2012 the prostitute knew exactly who you were and had a good idea of how much you are worth before she ever serviced you the first time. Oh I'm sure... if our friend lives in Mayberry, and is the only person that wealthy in town... and if Mayberry just happens to have a massage parlor... then it is likely that the working girl "knew exactly who (he was)" before that first encounter. If on the other hand he were in L.A.... and in Stuckey's car no less, and even if the girls on the strip all have phones with Google access, it is still unlikely that anybody at all "knew who he was" when he entered the realm of the massage parlor. Your suggestion remains difficult to take seriously.
PhoenixRise Posted February 14, 2012 Posted February 14, 2012 Oh I'm sure... if our friend lives in Mayberry, and is the only person that wealthy in town... and if Mayberry just happens to have a massage parlor... then it is likely that the working girl "knew exactly who (he was)" before that first encounter. If on the other hand he were in L.A.... and in Stuckey's car no less, and even if the girls on the strip all have phones with Google access, it is still unlikely that anybody at all "knew who he was" when he entered the realm of the massage parlor. Your suggestion remains difficult to take seriously. This OP frequents prostitutes. Even before he got involved with this particular prostitute he was a customer at that massage parlor. So it is likely she knew exactly who he was.....even in Mayberry Google can be your friend. You don't have to take it seriously. Really, it is ok with me if you don't.
Author feelinglost29 Posted February 15, 2012 Author Posted February 15, 2012 I wasn't going to come back to these forums since I made it through yesterday and had my first therapy session. But I did check in and wanted to comment and update... First, Phoenix and Sincere. The girl didn't know my real name for a little while. She could not have known who I am, although yes she could have Google'd me and probably found out that I have money. And, a lot of those places have cameras in the parking area (for police security) so it is possible she saw my car which would have given it away (although the car wasn't crazy expensive at the time, but nevertheless more expensive than most). I do think she knew I was well off in the beginning and knew I was "rich" maybe 3-4 months later. So yesterday was horrific. I drove around massage parlors looking for her car, tried to call her (thankfully it went immediately to voice mail which probably means that she didn't get a new phone for the one she threw and broke - so she will never know that I tried to call). I even started driving toward her place to scream at her.. I randomly started crying for no reason.. In the car, in my office, on the phone, in the shower, you name it. I showed up at therapy and instantly fell apart. I could barely breath... I spent two hours with the Psychiatrist, most of it telling him the story that I've told you guys. I told him about the white knight syndrome I had heard here and we started to discuss my past. We talked about my family and all those relationships. We talked about my wife. We talked about major changes and events in my life (before) I met the prostitute. I can't get too personal here for obvious reasons. But after all this talk, in the final 15 minutes of our session, he made a comment that turned out to be a major revelation. It seemed that I had mentally replaced the prostitute with someone else in my life that I dearly loved and now miss - someone that passed away years ago. I even made comments to the prostitute that she reminded me of this person. I opened my phone to verify to the psychiatrist that these people even looked similar... That completely verified to me that the psychiatrist and I hit on something very important in what happened.. There was a picture of the prostitute that was my favorite picture.. It was her sitting in a rain coat at a dinner table with her little niece. When I first saw that picture, a few weeks ago, I melted.. I kept looking back at that picture over the last few weeks and thought to myself how special she was and I needed to save her, give her more money, give her more of me. Well after this revelation with the psychiatrist it was clear that, in this picture especially, the prostitute was wearing clothing and had an expression that mimicked closely expressions and attire that the old person in my life had. It was insane. I never ever would have dreamed of this connection.. But it was clearly there. It all made and continues to make sense. Logically, falling in love with a prostitute is stupid, trusting someone that makes a living manipulating men is stupid, staying with that same person after they lied to me (three weeks ago) is stupid and feeling so crazy hurt and lost over losing a lying prostitute is insane. BUT, I wasn't losing a PROSTITUTE. I had made this person out to be someone else very dear and close to me that passed away (about 3 years before I met the prostitute). Someone that I was deeply close to and would never harm me. So when this prostitute hurt me, and our relationship ended, those feelings of loss and desperation over losing that close person from years ago seem to be what are surfacing. We also discussed other issues, and there are several. I do have a type of White Knight Syndrome, I do have serious issues with my marriage and I do have ego problems. The psychiatrist told me that the LAST THING in the world I should do is tell my wife. In his words, every catastrophe in our lives is an opportunity for self discovery; I need to go down this path first to understand who I am and how I want to proceed in life. He said, telling my wife is not wrong or right, it is just NOT THE TIME. After the session I felt like I could smell air for the first time since Friday. I felt like a ton of bricks were lifted off my shoulders. It felt amazing. I thought about what the prostitute had done to me and actually smiled.. I smiled because I felt better knowing it wasn't a big deal, she was a mistake, she was not that special person that I made her out to be - not ever. Later in the evening I thought more about her but in a different way. I still miss the intimacy, I miss her smell, I miss her lips, I miss a lot of things about her. But now, the loss of those things seem more simple and not so devastating (if that makes sense). While I'm still sad, and I'm still angry, I don't fall apart - it's different. So I'm going again this week, for two hours, and we are going to see each other for two hour sessions once a week (or more possibly) to get me through this. I'm not posting this or going to therapy for anyone else but ME. I hope that others - people who have gone through something similar (and the psychiatrist says that this is common) will gain something from this. I hope that what I learn will make me a better person for my wife and family - this I'm afraid of exploring... I'm deeply afraid that I'm going to find out that my marriage is for the wrong reasons and my self exploration leads to breaking up with my wife. But, in the end, everyone in my life will be better off, regardless of what decisions need to be made, by this effort. Thank you all.
frozensprouts Posted February 15, 2012 Posted February 15, 2012 so you transferred ( is this the right term for this?) the feelings that you never resolved from that person from long ago onto the prostitute? okay...but was he able to offer you any insight ( maybe it's too soon) into why you frequented prostitutes even before you met this one? Was it just for sex, or was it for some other reason? I hope your psychiatrist is able to help you get this all sorted out... we all have our issues to deal with
Spark1111 Posted February 15, 2012 Posted February 15, 2012 FL29, I wish you peace as you embark on your journey of introspection. Done properly, it is a very painful and difficult task that can lead to insight and liberation. I just want to leave you with one thought: In MC, we learned that marital happiness is based on not what one gets from the relationship, but on what one gives to it. I know you are far, far away from assessing your marriage as you work on you first. But please remember that all the sex with prostitutes and now this emotional affair meant you gave very little to your marriage besides a paycheck, for a very, very long time. Give more.....more texting, conversation, flirting, dating, helping, talking....and see what happens. You do not need to make any life-altering decisions for awhile. Start treating your wife like a girlfriend. Make it fun. Good luck to you!
whichwayisup Posted February 15, 2012 Posted February 15, 2012 After the session I felt like I could smell air for the first time since Friday. I felt like a ton of bricks were lifted off my shoulders. It felt amazing. I thought about what the prostitute had done to me and actually smiled.. I smiled because I felt better knowing it wasn't a big deal, she was a mistake, she was not that special person that I made her out to be - not ever. Later in the evening I thought more about her but in a different way. I still miss the intimacy, I miss her smell, I miss her lips, I miss a lot of things about her. But now, the loss of those things seem more simple and not so devastating (if that makes sense). While I'm still sad, and I'm still angry, I don't fall apart - it's different. What you put into therapy is what you get out of it. Sort out your pain, and work hard so you can get your life back on track. You're going to be okay. You've made some bad choices and it's time to fix all that and focus on what's infront of you and more important in life. Whatver the outcome is in your marriage, atleast doing therapy will make you a stronger person. Good luck and keep posting updates.
CALOVELY Posted February 15, 2012 Posted February 15, 2012 Your therapist told you NOT to tell your wife? So in his/her view, keeping your wife in the dark about your lifelong cheating, keeping her health at risk, outright theft of marital assets and continued manipulation of her is the way to go because "Now is not the time"? So when exactly is the right time, according to the doctor? When she has HPV? When the kids are grown and you are NOW ready to bail? When? Your therapist is a flat out idiot and it doesn't surprise me at all that you would find one that tells you to own up to nothing. Me, me, me and excuses, excuses, excuses. Just so you know, KISA "syndrome" is really just another way of saying "I'm an ego maniac who only cares about myself but I pretend to "save" others when the reality is, I need the world to think I am such a noble guy". That a dash of meglomanic. Unreal. :sick:
Mme. Chaucer Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 felt like a ton of bricks were lifted off my shoulders. It felt amazing. I thought about what the prostitute had done to me and actually smiled.. I smiled because I felt better knowing it wasn't a big deal, she was a mistake, she was not that special person that I made her out to be - not ever. Wait. You have been "in love" for FOUR YEARS and after one session with a brand new therapist, you come to the realization that it "wasn't a big deal"? You JUST REALIZED in this amazing session that "the prostitute," as you like to call your (up until yesterday) "true love" looks just like your long dead love from the past? And you have pictures of them both on your cell phone to share with your head shrinker? Oh, brother.
2sunny Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 I'm not saying that crap just happens to me. I am not blaming anyone, including the prostitute, besides me for the last four years. She didn't happen to me, I chose her, I carried it on for four years and I called and made it real love in my mind. I DID THIS, didn't "just happen to me". What I am saying is that I know me, I know my strengths and weaknesses and I know what I would do. Continuing to think of the prostitute and connecting with her won't help you move forward. You stated YOU were going to spend THAT time and energy on your wife now - so, tell me exactly what you been doing to pay attention to her needs (YOUR WIFE, remember)! What did you do for valentines day?
SincereOnlineGuy Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 Your therapist told you NOT to tell your wife? So in his/her view, keeping your wife in the dark about your lifelong cheating, keeping her health at risk, outright theft of marital assets and continued manipulation of her is the way to go because "Now is not the time"? So when exactly is the right time, according to the doctor? When she has HPV? When the kids are grown and you are NOW ready to bail? When? Your therapist is a flat out idiot and it doesn't surprise me at all that you would find one that tells you to own up to nothing. Me, me, me and excuses, excuses, excuses. Just so you know, KISA "syndrome" is really just another way of saying "I'm an ego maniac who only cares about myself but I pretend to "save" others when the reality is, I need the world to think I am such a noble guy". That a dash of meglomanic. Unreal. :sick: ROFL... @ "outright theft of marital assets" ?? Y'mean like a married woman is guilty of whenever she buys a lipstick??? (or, in fairness, what a married guy is guilty of when he purchases a fishing pole??) Clarity: You NEVER, EVER tell a spouse about this sort of a scenario. THE ONLY reasons you could possibly have for doing so are: (a) To hurt the spouse terribly or (b) To assuage your own guilt. Each of those, in case the likes of CaLovely can't get it, is the epitomy of "selfish".
SincereOnlineGuy Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 To FeelingLost: Perhaps the best element of this story landing in detail on Loveshack is the (eventual) build-up to understanding WHY therapy is so important. Far too many here have as a barrier the fact that they cannot afford to avail themselves of a therapist in immediate response to things which blow-up in their daily lives. With most, by the time they can afford the therapy, the issue has tempered itself with time, and they are no longer very motivated to address the underlying issues. WIth that said, the prostitute, like yourself, is an individual whose entire psyche is consistently put together, and any damage incurred in 2012 can usually be clearly understood in the context of 1995, or 1985, or whenever. So she's not an altogether bad human being, and during the course of her work she is required to be a lot of things for a lot of different people. That alone probably tugs her in directions far more numerous than you or I might know. Perhaps the "saving her" idea is illogical... mostly for reasons of 1995, or 1985, or somewhere back there... On the other hand it is so fair and helpful that you have recognized her as a seeming 'real person' well beyond the scope of the average working girl. Once they're recognized as a real person, it surely must hurt to lose somebody (or to see more of their true colors) in the way that you've described. I have a sense that (the distant past) just tears away their 'resistance', and once they are raw, it doesn't take much for them to allow themselves to be contorted to fit whatever a client wants or needs. With most clients, a new position might accomplish that, but when a client seems to need a 'real soul' under there, it challenges the working girl's vulnerability, and brings her nearer to that WALL where one must "trust people". (that's where HER resistance is... contrasted to the girls back in high school whose 'resistance' was at the mini-fortress that was their bra) As I probably stated elsewhere, Therapy at its core represents "a trusting relationship with (at least) SOMEone". Hence the reason why that's the most effective path between working the streets and getting back to mainstream society. (pause to consider the "economic inversion" between those 'out there' who just can't afford the therapy that would be most helpful, and this rare case where therapy can be a reflexive, self-initiated response) It's a conundrum too, because those who tend to need the most therapy are the ones who can least afford to avail themselves OF it. I'm not surprised that it felt great during/after the therapy session, but I don't know that to itemize the reasons why really matters. At the core was the mere RELIEF brought on by finally having an outlet. In one way, prostitution mirrors the internet, wherein a lifetime of sensing women to be the always-sought-after 'goals'/'dreams' that most of us have, AND THEN finding a rare chance to get what seems like sooooooooooooo close to one such woman... is akin to years and years of women in daily society not fully expressing themselves outwardly for reasons of safety and what is deemed 'appropriate', and then finding them ONLINE, and in the safety of their own homes, where they can really EXPRESS themselves quite freely and comfortably. Indeed they're still the same women at the core... but the relative ease with which you can get a considerably personal view of them is rather startling. It is probably possible to get seemingly drunk off either one! (this, also, makes a statement about how simple it probably is to paint a psychological box at home and within a marriage, creating a situation where you can't communicate fully or effectively, and you resist more and more the idea of trying to work your way around the barriers and back toward full communication) (it isn't the spouse who has been the steady problem, it's the various barriers created by each of you as you've interacted with one another that closely for so long) The working girl, again, was repeating her familiar role in life... and it likely became scary and overwhelming whenever her vulnerable area was exposed. Her vulnerable area is just something far different than what we teach our kids is their vulnerable area.
Author feelinglost29 Posted February 16, 2012 Author Posted February 16, 2012 Thank you to those with kind words and thoughts. I'm finding this helpful as a new morning ritual, so I'll continue to post thoughts and how this progresses. I'm doing this both as my secondary therapy and to help anyone out there who is in what I was in. My second session with the psychiatrist was yesterday; we met for two hours. Unlike the first time that we met, I wasn't a complete mess when we started our session (or at any point during our session). I told the psychiatrist how excited I was to discover that I had transferred feelings of loss for someone else to this prostitute and that this realization lifted a heavy weight off my shoulders. Since this realization I had not fallen apart when I thought about the prostitute, however, earlier that day I thought about the person that passed away, I completely fell apart. It was like I was grieving again. For a person that had passed away some eight years ago. It felt good. It felt correct. It felt like everything was put in it's correct perspective. We discussed all this in our session. It seemed odd to me, and I think to the psychiatrist, that I so quickly seemed to resolve this. I didn't understand why or how either. Although I came to this realization, I still deeply missed (and miss now) the prostitute. I spent the first part of our session 'negotiating' with the psychiatrist. Negotiation is where I shine in my professional life, it's what I'm good at. So with the psychiatrist I turned on that mode and made my best effort to convince him (and myself) that I could just erase most of my emotions for the prostitute and just go back to seeing her as I was before. But this time, I would understand that she was not this person that passed away in my past. She would simply be a companion. A companion that I could would fit into my life, into my marriage. The sex with the prostitute was great, the White Knight feelings made me feel wonderful, the affirmation and affection she provided was emotionally stimulating. I could have all this back, instantly, if I could just accept what she does (as I did when I first met her) and go back to her. This 'reset' of my relationship with the prostitute would also allow me to put any examination of my marriage or other flaws that led to me seeking this type of affection would also be put to the side - which to me, at the time, was a relief. Through our session, or I should say negotiation, the psychiatrist allowed me to come to my own conclusion. I said it myself: The second betrayal by the prostitute was so cold, so callous, so calculated, with such disregard for my feelings and tainted with such a masterful performance to deceive me. She betrayed me in a way that made no sense if any of the emotions she purportedly had for me were real. She treated my like a disposable object, like a customer, like a doorknob that you need to finesse to open, not like a human - especially not like a human that you had feelings for. I pondered (and still ponder a little) if this was something, as horrible as it was, that I could tuck away and deal with. Pathetic. I am what most women would consider a catch from outward appearances... If I were single I could have my pick of women, with ease... HOWEVER, I am not single. I am married. If I am going to have my cake and eat it too, I am going to have to settle for a woman that will allow HERSELF to fit into that part of my life that I am willing to give. What kind of woman would do that?? Yes, I know the answer, and that is why I say to myself, "then why not this prostitute". Then... Then... I go back to the beginning of this paragraph in my head. Rinse and repeat... I don't know what today or tomorrow will bring. While I'm relieved that I've discovered some amazing things through my therapy, I'm scared of what that will bring as we continue. At some point I will have to fight the urge to stop therapy early, before we address the major deeper issues, thinking that I'm cured. I'm sure I'll make some attempts that I don't even realize I'm making to end my therapy without actually saying to the psychiatrist that we're done - "I'm busy with work", "this psychiatrist was good in the beginning but he's an idiot now", "I'm happy now, what do I need him for", etc, etc, etc. At least I know this is my nature and I need to keep this in mind always. This will be a long, hard, messy road that I'll be travelling down. Today I feel like I'm grieving the ending of my relationship with the prostitute. Just like any of us would grieve the ending of a four year relationship with a normal woman. There are ups and downs. Times when I hate her, times when I miss her and times when I want her back. This is refreshing, it's a normal reaction disconnected from my abnormal reaction when I saw the displaced feelings toward about the person I loved years ago that passed away. It feels right. I hope time fixes this and I hope it's not a lot of time. I need to move past this phase to truly begin working on ME. I then need to work past the ME to work on my marriage and future. All scary yet all exciting.
CALOVELY Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 ROFL... @ "outright theft of marital assets" ?? Y'mean like a married woman is guilty of whenever she buys a lipstick??? (or, in fairness, what a married guy is guilty of when he purchases a fishing pole??) Clarity: You NEVER, EVER tell a spouse about this sort of a scenario. THE ONLY reasons you could possibly have for doing so are: (a) To hurt the spouse terribly or (b) To assuage your own guilt. Each of those, in case the likes of CaLovely can't get it, is the epitomy of "selfish". So to you financing another persons lifestyle to the tune of thousands of dollars a month is the same as buying lipstick or a golf club? Marital assets are community property and he STOLE from his. Buying household products is not the same as it is for the "communal" family if you will. Selfish? I can think of nothing more selfish than keeping a spouse in the dark about activities that go on behind their backs. She has every right to know that he is cheating, has put her life in danger and has lied and played her for a fool. But yeah, I'm selfish that way.
Mme. Chaucer Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 ^^^^^^^^^^^ I know. Maybe somebody will make a miniseries based upon the tale.
Afishwithabike Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 Thank you to those with kind words and thoughts. I'm finding this helpful as a new morning ritual, so I'll continue to post thoughts and how this progresses. I'm doing this both as my secondary therapy and to help anyone out there who is in what I was in. My second session with the psychiatrist was yesterday; we met for two hours. Unlike the first time that we met, I wasn't a complete mess when we started our session (or at any point during our session). I told the psychiatrist how excited I was to discover that I had transferred feelings of loss for someone else to this prostitute and that this realization lifted a heavy weight off my shoulders. Since this realization I had not fallen apart when I thought about the prostitute, however, earlier that day I thought about the person that passed away, I completely fell apart. It was like I was grieving again. For a person that had passed away some eight years ago. It felt good. It felt correct. It felt like everything was put in it's correct perspective. We discussed all this in our session. It seemed odd to me, and I think to the psychiatrist, that I so quickly seemed to resolve this. I didn't understand why or how either. Although I came to this realization, I still deeply missed (and miss now) the prostitute. I spent the first part of our session 'negotiating' with the psychiatrist. Negotiation is where I shine in my professional life, it's what I'm good at. So with the psychiatrist I turned on that mode and made my best effort to convince him (and myself) that I could just erase most of my emotions for the prostitute and just go back to seeing her as I was before. But this time, I would understand that she was not this person that passed away in my past. She would simply be a companion. A companion that I could would fit into my life, into my marriage. The sex with the prostitute was great, the White Knight feelings made me feel wonderful, the affirmation and affection she provided was emotionally stimulating. I could have all this back, instantly, if I could just accept what she does (as I did when I first met her) and go back to her. This 'reset' of my relationship with the prostitute would also allow me to put any examination of my marriage or other flaws that led to me seeking this type of affection would also be put to the side - which to me, at the time, was a relief. Through our session, or I should say negotiation, the psychiatrist allowed me to come to my own conclusion. I said it myself: The second betrayal by the prostitute was so cold, so callous, so calculated, with such disregard for my feelings and tainted with such a masterful performance to deceive me. She betrayed me in a way that made no sense if any of the emotions she purportedly had for me were real. She treated my like a disposable object, like a customer, like a doorknob that you need to finesse to open, not like a human - especially not like a human that you had feelings for. I pondered (and still ponder a little) if this was something, as horrible as it was, that I could tuck away and deal with. Pathetic. I am what most women would consider a catch from outward appearances... If I were single I could have my pick of women, with ease... HOWEVER, I am not single. I am married. If I am going to have my cake and eat it too, I am going to have to settle for a woman that will allow HERSELF to fit into that part of my life that I am willing to give. What kind of woman would do that?? Yes, I know the answer, and that is why I say to myself, "then why not this prostitute". Then... Then... I go back to the beginning of this paragraph in my head. Rinse and repeat... I don't know what today or tomorrow will bring. While I'm relieved that I've discovered some amazing things through my therapy, I'm scared of what that will bring as we continue. At some point I will have to fight the urge to stop therapy early, before we address the major deeper issues, thinking that I'm cured. I'm sure I'll make some attempts that I don't even realize I'm making to end my therapy without actually saying to the psychiatrist that we're done - "I'm busy with work", "this psychiatrist was good in the beginning but he's an idiot now", "I'm happy now, what do I need him for", etc, etc, etc. At least I know this is my nature and I need to keep this in mind always. This will be a long, hard, messy road that I'll be travelling down. Today I feel like I'm grieving the ending of my relationship with the prostitute. Just like any of us would grieve the ending of a four year relationship with a normal woman. There are ups and downs. Times when I hate her, times when I miss her and times when I want her back. This is refreshing, it's a normal reaction disconnected from my abnormal reaction when I saw the displaced feelings toward about the person I loved years ago that passed away. It feels right. I hope time fixes this and I hope it's not a lot of time. I need to move past this phase to truly begin working on ME. I then need to work past the ME to work on my marriage and future. All scary yet all exciting. *claps* Very good. If this is for a book or screenplay, you did a good job. You have a future in writing fiction.
Mme. Chaucer Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 *claps* Very good. If this is for a book or screenplay, you did a good job. You have a future in writing fiction. Really? I think it's awful, and that the "author" needs to investigate an entirely different line of work. Like, maybe, being a waitress.
frozensprouts Posted February 16, 2012 Posted February 16, 2012 i'm confused... did this psychiatrist tell you it's okay for you if you keep seeing the prostitute in the context of prostitution ( you will continue to see her for sex) while you are still married? I;m sorry, but I have to ask what kind of psychiatrist would recommend that as a good idea? Encouraging someone to continue engaging in a high risk activity behind his wife's back while still maintaining the marriage ( which, I would assume, would entail having sex with your wife)? exactly which soap opera did this script come from? Or am I totally misunderstanding this?
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