Author feelinglost29 Posted February 12, 2012 Author Posted February 12, 2012 spark111, I was giving her around $3000 per month. I'd give it to her a couple days before her rent was due. She would occasionally ask me for some money for clothes, but not often. I would buy her extravagant gifts for her birthday and christmas - partially because I was completely in love with her and partially because I felt guilty that I was always gone, on vacation with my family, on her birthday and over the holidays. I know I was bamboozled... Today was rough. I thought about her a lot and kept thinking that maybe it wasn't all just bull%@.. Maybe she did love me. Maybe she finally got sick of me not being there for her and that's why she decided to go back to prostitution. Maybe I should text her and go talk to her about this. Then I think, I gave her a chance three weeks ago and she instantly deceived me again. She lied then and continued to lie to me. There's nothing that I can do to change that and I could never trust her. But today, especially today, I miss her a lot.
Spark1111 Posted February 12, 2012 Posted February 12, 2012 Do you love your wife? Does she love you? Would it be okay with you if she paid male prostitutes to service her, as long as you never found out about it and there was no emotional attachment involved? Would it be ok if she fell in love with one of them and seriously contemplated divorcing you to create a life with him? She may want to save him, he makes her feel good, but she'll be home for dinner every night with you and the children. Until she makes up her mind, would it be okay if she spends thousands to support him and his son for years, but she will attend every school function. Doesn' that sound arrogant and self-entitled to you? As if having enough money and no one finding out makes it all okay? I think you have KISA (Knight In Shining Armor Syndrome.) I think that is where you should start with your IC. The need to be the hero stems from a deep insecurity in childhood that while you did everything right, you perceived you did not receive enough recognition for it. Saving others for the praise and appreciation they provide you is a diversion from saving yourself and examining these insecurities. The problem with KISAs on a more practical level is that shrewd cons can see them coming from a mile away. I bet your OW NEVER gave up the life. While you were paying her rent and expenses, she was socking away her trick money. I guarantee you she probably has hundreds of thousands saved for retirement by now. I believe she told you WHATEVER you needed to hear to keep that gravy train rolling in. Sorry, but who swears they won't trick while claiming their love to a man paying their rent and their expenses, while still tricking? Your "love" just helped her to bank more. I believe you were duped. Save yourself man while you still can.
Author feelinglost29 Posted February 12, 2012 Author Posted February 12, 2012 Yes, I love my wife but have no desire for intimacy with her. My wife loves me deeply, that I am sure of. If I switched the story around, I would be devastated to be in my wife doing those same things that I did. 100% devastated. And I do realize that I'm selfish, arrogant and self-entitled. I never thought it mattered so long as I took care of my responsibilities. I think your comment about KISA syndrome is interesting and may be part of the issue. It sounds a lot like my personality, a lot. I will tell you that on Friday she told me that I didn't need to give her anymore money and that she still wanted to see me. Maybe that was just a con too. The reality is I could never do that. I would double my efforts and give her twice the money to try to make her stop... She probably knows this. I'm not going to text her. Even understanding everything you and others have said, I'm just sad again and miss her. I'll get over it.
Author feelinglost29 Posted February 12, 2012 Author Posted February 12, 2012 BTW, the psychiatrist on the phone yesterday told me he thought it was part of a sexual addiction? I will bring up the KISA syndrome that you mentioned.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 ** I originally posted this in the Breaks and Breaking Up Forum but someone suggested this forum may be more approriate. If you're interested you can see there the responses I've received. I am truly looking for advice and help.** I found these forums after looking all over for a place to share my story in the hopes that it will give me some peace and maybe find someone else that has had something similar happen in their lives to share with. I'll start by letting you know that I used to frequent massage parlors, maybe every couple months, just to have fun. I suppose I liked them because there was no attachment; it was a simple transaction where no real feelings were expected or shown. I am a married man and never wanted to do anything that could come back to my family. I never wanted to carry on an affair, I wanted to have my fun and be on my way. About four years ago I visited a massage parlor and met a beautiful woman and we somehow hit it off. She asked that I come back to see her again, which I did pretty much every other day for about six months. It was very odd; she gave me her phone number and was more intimate that any woman in those places ever are however I refused to phone/text her and would just see her there. While this continued on, I was slowly falling in love with her but always fell back to the fact that she was a prostitute and we had nothing in common except for the sex. Slowly our relationship evolved and I began texting her. We texted daily, but, there was always an obvious wall because of what she did for a living. I never asked or pressured her to stop, I did not think that was my place. Then after six months she tells me that she can't work at that type of place anymore and only wants to be with me. She understood that I was married and that I wasn't going to leave my wife... She told me that all she wanted was to see me and stop prostituting herself. Again, she came to this decision on her own. At first we would see each other in a small hotel close to where she lives. We would see each other three times a week. This continued on for about another four months and I brought up that maybe I could rent a place for her (she lived with her daughter and brother) and we could see each other there instead. She found a two bedroom house, big enough for her to use as a studio for her "normal" work. I paid everything. I felt happier that I would also be helping her in her normal work and she would have a normal career. I gave her an extra $1500 per month so she could pay all the bills and have no reason to go back to her previous life -- it's important to say here that I have substantial means and I was in no way depriving my family to pay these things. Things for about 3 years seemed great. I would see her three times a week, I bought her extravagant gifts and gave her that extra money (a few hundred every couple months) to help her with clothes or expenses. We began to have unprotected sex and I assumed she was true to me - as hypocritical as that sounds coming from a married man. I will say that intimacy with my wife was non-existent - we had become best friends but I was in love with someone else. During these three years I fell completely head-over-heals in love with the new woman. We would text 20-30 times a day, she was the first person I would say good morning to and the last person I would say goodnight to. This feeling didn't diminish over the years, it grew stronger. Over the past couple years I began to contemplated leaving my wife, but the thought of my new girl being a former prostitute always pulled me back just enough to hold off on doing anything with my wife. I felt that eventually I would be forced to choose my wife/family or the other woman; in my heart I knew that I would choose the other woman but was hoping I wouldn't be forced to make that choice (yes, I know how selfish that sounds). My world came crashing back to reality on January 23, 2011. We were lying in bed and she was showing me her new cellphone. I was showing her some apps and a text came in. I nonchalantly opened the text, to show her how she can respond with her voice instead of typing, when I read the text that had my heart stop. The text read "Now is not a good time for work, too many customers looking for latina girls and they may be police". My first reaction was to ignore it, like it didn't happen. She was literally reading the same text with me and as the seconds passed by heart pounded and I began to shake. I got angry and demanded an explanation. She cried and we talked and talked and talked. Her explanation was that she needed more money and had only been doing this for two months, maybe three or four times. She swore she was done with it. I understood, in a very odd way. Who was I to make demands on her, the same demands that I was scared to death she would ultimately make on me! I accepted it had happened and we decided to work through it. She promised and swore up and down that this would never happen again and she would be true to me. For my part, I told her I would give her $1000 more a month and I would prefer to give her any amount of money to keep her from doing that again. She said she understood and again promised that she would never prostitute herself again, no matter what. Over the next two weeks I tried to give her everything that I could. I texted her constantly and told her I was going to find a larger nicer house for us. You see, now she was living with her daughter again (who is three months pregnant) and I knew that the small place we rented wasn't big or nice enough. She started moving quickly toward looking for an office for her business (not the prostitution) and I offered to pay that rent as well and help or completely pay the move-in costs (mind you, we are talking about $10,000 move-in and another $1500 per month). Again, I kept telling her that I will do anything to keep her on the right path; I truly loved her and wanted that for her. On February 7th she closed another door to her past by changing her cell phone number (her idea, to keep those people from her past from contacting her again). I still didn't completely trust her but I wanted to. I hoped that time would heal the wound and we would be okay. This morning, while she was walking her daughter out of the house, I decided to look in her drawer in the bedroom. I found a new cell phone. I told her that I had to use the bathroom and I took the new phone into the bathroom to see what I would find. I found several texts to three different men telling them she got a new cell phone number and that they can now contact her on this number. I found one guy who gave her an address to his house which said, "see you Saturday at noon". It was hard to push the buttons because I was shaking so hard. I immediately went into the bedroom holding the new phone and confronted her. We spent the next three hours talking. She now admitted to working at the massage parlors for over a year now and she was planning on seeing certain "high paying" customers outside. She admitted to seeing one of the customers just six days ago at his house. The entire two weeks where I had just forgiven her was a sham. We talked and talked about how we could move forward but there was just no way. The only way we could move forward would be for me to accept her as a prostitute again and deal with it. I don't think I can move backward, once I'm in love, I don't think I could readily switch that off and think of her as just a girl to have fun with - and, I don't think that she would want that to come from me either. I felt lost. I told her that we need time and I would text her in a month. She and I both knew that was our breakup. This all happened this morning. Now I'm sitting here feeling empty and lost. I'm checking my phone every ten minutes looking for a text from her (who knows from which phone because she threw both phones and broke one)... I feel so betrayed but I miss her so much. Just now I wanted to text her to just ask, for the hundredth time today, why... What makes me feel even worse is that I know the painfully obvious irony that if my wife found out about my secrets she would feel pretty much the same way. I'm a double crappy person who's now heartbroken. I'm 40 years old, and I've been in a lot of relationships in my life, but I've never felt close to as empty and lost as I do here tonight. I can't eat, I can only think of her and my mind keeps going to thoughts of her with her customers. I just want to crawl into a dark corner and drink a bottle of vodka (I quit drinking five years ago). I know how hypocritical this all sounds, but please don't judge me for having the affair or being with prostitutes. I strongly believe in the saying that whatever happens to you, no matter how bad, is the best thing that could have happened to you. Maybe this will save my marriage, maybe my ex's true path is doing that work... If you've read this I thank you and I hope you have something to give me to get me through this. I hope someone out there has experienced something similar and tell me something that I'm not thinking of. Was I right in doing what I did, either time? Am I being a hypocrite and should I accept her as a prostitute again, especially considering it's not a new thing? Should I just keep doing what I'm doing and remind myself to keep breathing and time will heal my wounds - but don't go back to her? Thank you all again. Wow, thanks for a very 'real' read the likes of which we don't very often encounter in society. I have to opine that the prostitute's role in this is exactly to textbook for those in such an occupation. Most critical here is that YOU are in a spot right NOW, where you HAVE to process this emotional HURT while at the same time not affecting your family. This is similar to what, for example, many persons engaged in "online (emotional) relationships" have to do when they end, in situations where there is a spouse or a romantic partner at home. In a purely logical sense, the working girl is a fairly easy read as one who would clearly not make for a sensible emotional investment for a sane man. I 'get' that the path from man-who-sees-an-attractive-female-face/form through practiced-sexual-comfort (for pay) made her SEEM like quite a pleasant and comfortable change from, perhaps, a wife who naturally made you go through the typical vetting and long, slow initiation at the beginning of your relationship. Then, with same wife, I'm sure it was surprisingly easy to evolve toward a lack of communication wherein perhaps you painted yourself into relationship corners that way. Couple related normal strains on any relationship with whatever it is that might be bringing home the big bacon, and there is a recipe for the emotional walls at home to be especially fortified. No question it would be very difficult to reverse the damage even if your wife knew everything, but with her not seemingly knowing about the affair, AND with you probably way too busy making money for your own good, you are in incredible emotional isolation. In this case, the prostitute was someone who was effectively just doing her job... and I know how unlikely/improbable such stories seem when I read in detail about them playing out for as long and as close as yours has. You simply aren't equipped for dealing effectively with the emotional learned behavior which brought the prostitute to this point in her life. It would be great if we could see an attractive female face and just rescue every one of them out there, especially when we have "means" (to fund 'band-aid solutions'). Stereotypically, I don't know whether someone who brings home such an income ever has the mind-over-matter ability to EFFECTIVELY process all that needs to be understood about the typical path (from birth) of a prostitute. (clarity: You could DO it, mentally, but your own personal 'drive' would not let you stop your career long enough to invest all the time it would take) (more clarity: In this case, it wouldn't solve anything OTHER THAN your more effectively reasoning that the prostitute is a challenge you cannot win) That you are someone who preferred selecting one (prostitute)(just cuz I can't say "one woman") and continuing to invest yourself steadily in her company, to the idea of basically filling every hole of which you could avail yourself (on multiple women) speaks positively as to some of your inner make-up. That somehow gives me hope that you will be quite capable when soon going to a therapist/counselor (alone, and unbeknownst to your wife, at least for a while)... where you can unburden yourself of this extremely heavy and taxing story. More important than anything else is that YOU need to process this - and in a hurry!!! (because you can't yet do so at home (nor should you, I don't think)... and because you have the means to hire the best therapist... it is a no-brainer that you should find somebody to whom you can unburden this whole story... HONESTLY and COMPLETELY) Never mind the probably-dumb idea of spilling the beans to your wife!!! What would be the purpose? - just to hurt her deeply ??? That doesn't make any sense at all, no matter any so-called 'guilt' you might feel. You could always tell your wife later, if you had to... but right now the central issue is your own recovery...
Author feelinglost29 Posted February 13, 2012 Author Posted February 13, 2012 I read this and cried, I am crying right now as I type. I cant stop it. I feel so isolated and terrible in so many ways. I have NOBODY that I can talk to about this until my appointment on Tuesday. I just feel so beaten down. I don't know if you're a therapist by profession but just reading what you wrote, opened a pressure valve in me. I don't know if I feel better or worse right now. I know I feel different.
Spark1111 Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 Sex addiction has little to do with pleasure than it has to do with feeling in control and gaining power! Did you feell powerless and out of control, especially when climbing the corporate ladder and making all that money that made you feel, again in control? Safe and secure, as in, if I have enough money, I will be safe? So does rescuing damsels in distress through financial support. receiving lots of praise and adulation for that. stoke your ego and make you feel loved? You need to feel important, but you have issues with intimacy. You are more comfortable showing your love by throwing money at people because you still hold onto control financially. Now with a spouse and children, the expectations are that you will provide for them, so maybe that scenario does not make you feel like the hero you wish to be. A working girl who fawns over all your generosity? That stokes it big time. And she knows it. And maybe plays it. I think you have built many, many walls around your heart. It is hard to be intimate with a husband who feels paying the bills is good enough. Wives want to be wined and dined and flirted with; they want special gifts, surprises, emotional connecting, trips, gifts too! Wives want to be treated like girlfriends! Texts, ILYs, I want you! Think about investing some of the time and energy and flirting into your marital relationship as you did with your long-time paramour. You may be surprised.
lordWilhelm Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 (edited) I know I was bamboozled... Today was rough. I thought about her a lot and kept thinking that maybe it wasn't all just bull%@.. Maybe she did love me. Maybe she finally got sick of me not being there for her and that's why she decided to go back to prostitution. Maybe I should text her and go talk to her about this. Then I think, I gave her a chance three weeks ago and she instantly deceived me again. She lied then and continued to lie to me. There's nothing that I can do to change that and I could never trust her. But today, especially today, I miss her a lot. Are you serious? Don't get back in touch with her. You need to keep as far away from her as possible and get perspective on how crazy this whole thing has been. Also, I continue to be struck about how coldly you talk about your wife in juxtaposition to the other woman. I just don't understand it. Is there some reason why you refuse to engage her and think about her? My feeling is that you can't possibly have been pretending to her that everything is rosy -- don't you think that at some level she must feel pretty miserable with the quality of your relationship? Edited February 13, 2012 by lordWilhelm
2sunny Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 In order to think of your OW less and start connecting more with your W - step up the romance with your W!!! Any time you think of the OW - correspond with your W. take her out - make love with her ( yes, feelings involved too) - start thinking of your W more than you think of yourself... That may make things start to feel more balanced and connected. Take feelings with your W! Obviously you are a man that has relied on sex with no emotion... Turn that around - change is necessary and good!
Author feelinglost29 Posted February 13, 2012 Author Posted February 13, 2012 I was responding to the posts above when I realized another way the prostitute controlled me, day and night. When I first met the prostitute I wasn't a "texting" person - I had probably texted two people less than a few times in my life at that point. I had a Blackberry and used email and had no need for texts. When I began my relationship with the prostitute, texting became my primary way of communicating with her... A while into the relationship, maybe a year in, she would get very upset when I didn't text her. She made me promise to text her every couple hours, "so she would know I was thinking about her", although she would sometimes not text me for 4-5 hours (probably when she was hooking at some massage parlor). When she wanted this from me I didn't see it as control. I saw it as a woman wanting to feel a connection to her lover. It actually made me feel more loved by her... I felt that while she knew that I had my real family, texting her constantly made her feel connected and close to me, regardless of how physically far apart we were. So I did what made her happy. Over three years of our relationship, I would make sure (NO MATTER WHAT) to text her every couple of hours. On the few occasions I didn't, I was given the cold shoulder and massive guilt for hours from her. Again, this felt to me that she was in love with me and needed my connection, not that she was controlling me. I would go through incredible effort to make sure I texted her. On every plane trip I would buy WIFI to make sure I could text her (I used a program called Textfree instead of SMS to keep my messages off my cellphone bill, so I could text from WIFI), I would excuse myself from long meetings to text her, I would fake bathroom visits at home to text her, I would do whatever it took to text her every couple hours. At the time this felt sweet, like two people completely in love, in hindsight I see it was a strong mechanism she used to keep me on a leash. Since Friday I feel like I've started a roller coaster ride of self awareness; like coming out of the fog and seeing a mirror in front of me. A mirror showing me all my inner flaws and secrets. A mirror that when I look at those flaws and secrets up close, I see that they're not just something hidden within, they manifest themselves in major decisions I make in my day to day life. So having said that, I think my response below will make more sense. LordWilhelm, I didn't text or email her yesterday. I wanted to all day but spent most of the day with my family, keeping busy and trying to reconnect with them on more than a physical (i.e I'm here, but I'm not here) level. I think you pointed out something that I did over the last four years that I am just realizing. While I was there for my family financially and physically, both more than most men are for their families, I was not their at all emotionally. Wherever I was with them I would be checking my cell phone every 20 minutes to see if the prostitute texted me. Sadly, this was to my whole family. They never really had ME - I had checked out and was wishing to be with someone else. While I think that some men would have left their wives and families to be with (what I perceived as) the other woman. I did something internally to separate my emotions completely, creating two different families. You see I'm a very emotional person. I can't be emotionally connected to two people, I separate sex from that. But I should say that even sexually, I felt that sleeping with my wife was a form of cheating on the prostitute. I only wanted to be with the prostitute sexually, emotionally and physically. So when you say how coldly I talk about my wife I began to see that it's because I've been cold to her in our lives for four years. I basically left her emotionally and sexually some four years ago. I imagine she thinks that I've been going through a lot in business and has given me the emotional space I created and desired because she TRULY loves me. My happiness is important to her and she would give me whatever I needed. That is true and honest love. I don't believe she was happy with what had become of our relationship but my wife is an incredible selfless woman. She would go without to give anyone in need whatever they need first. She did that for me - she put me before her. I'm avoiding posting here and thinking about what I've done to my wife. As I'm typing this I am coming to understand why. I'm mentally trying to resolve this in stages. I just thought of it kind of like a person severely hurt in an train wreck. The acute and life threatening damage are my feelings of loss, betrayal and desire about the prostitute. This to me is like the bleeding artery in my neck that if it doesn't get fixed quickly will lead to death... I can't eat (I've lost three pounds since Friday, and I'm not a big guy), I can't sleep right (getting 4-5 hours a night, all interrupted with horrible thoughts), I can't work and I have to fight these intense urges to go back to the most ridiculous/sick/insane relationship on this planet. To save me, the patient, I need to stop the neck bleeding, NOW. The next stage will come. I fear that the next stage where I work out the feelings toward my wife and family will be harder, uglier and take longer. It's the internal damage after the train wreck that isn't easy to find but nevertheless has to be solved or the patient will die slowly. So they check every organ, they run tests and they call in specialists. They hope that when they find the problem it's a simple stitch up, but they anticipate that it will be something deep and dirty that will require hours of surgery and months of rehabilitation - and the doctors know that no matter how careful they are in dealing with this hidden damage, the patient may never be the same again. You see, I know my wife is far better than anything that I deserve. I know that what I've done, even before this "affair" was unfair, cold, self-centered and wrong in every way. I don't deserve to have a wife like the one that I have. I deserve the type of woman I got in the prostitute - a selfish, ill intending and manipulating whore - not the beautiful woman that gave (and gives) complete unconditional love to me. I KNOW THAT THIS IS FAR FAR WORSE. Now it's obvious that in this scenario of a train wreck, I was the idiot conductor texting that allowed the train to crash in the first place. And to many that's enough to say "he deserved it" and whatever else dismissing me as a piece of @#%@. But to the doctors, in my case to me, the patient is worth saving and everything that has to be done will be done. In writing these posts I am really hopeful some other person out there will read these threads that are going through what I'm going through. Or maybe someone that is having an affair or relationship with a prostitute reads these and see's the signs that I should have seen long ago. I've bared my deepest secrets in these posts. I hope that I get fixed and I hope that someday these posts will help or save someone else from getting to where I am at today.
Author feelinglost29 Posted February 13, 2012 Author Posted February 13, 2012 2sunny, When I get through, or I should say over, the prostitute I am going to do exactly what you said. Another poster said the same thing as well. I am going to go through therapy to address ME and I'm going to reconnect with my wife completely. I will stop treating her like an employee with the title of "Wife" with a job description "take care of family". I will treat her like the beautiful, loving, amazing woman that she is. I will give her all the love and attention I gave the prostitute. I will give her a husband. I plan to talk through this in therapy, but, if I CAN'T give her that husband then I will ask for a divorce. I will tell her the truth at that point. I will honestly tell her that I cannot be the man she deserves. I will tell her that I've been a liar to her and that she has no culpability and should have zero guilt. I will settle the divorce amicably because I will give her whatever she asks for. I will leave the relationship as the honorable man I should have been while in the relationship - I can do that, even if I can't be a husband to her.
frozensprouts Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 i know some feel you shouldn't tell your wife, but i disagree.... think of it this way... what if your wife were to find out from someone other than you that you have been cheating on her with a prostitute...that you would have considered leaving her should this woman have asked you to? That you were providing a living place for her where the two of you could be together? That you were possibly exposing her to STDs that you caught from the other woman? I know you may think that as long as you don't tell your wife, she'll never know...but what if she finds out? what if she has become suspicious and starts going through different records ( financial, cell phone, whatever) and finds out. What if someone in the other woman's family ( or even the other woman herself) sees that the gravy train has stopped rolling and they want it to start up again so they get in touch with you or threaten to tell your wife? What if this woman is unstable and decides to tell your wife out of maliciousness, or she is hurt by your rejection and she decides to tell her because she is hurt? What if she thinks that if she tells your wife your marriage will be over and you'll come back to her? ( i know it sounds far fetched, but you never know what someone will do...my husband's ex-other woman has been a thorn in my side ever since he stopped seeing her...and she didn't take that out on him, but me and my children) my point is not to frighten you, but rather to help you see that you have no control over what your ex other woman could do if she feels angry or hurt enough. How will your wife feel should she find out from her that the two of you were in a relationship? Would you rather she find out from you or from someone else? if your wife does find out that way, what would you tell her? Would you tell her the truth or would you lie about it? Maybe weigh the benefits of your wife knowing about your affair versus your wife not knowing...which is better in the long run versus which is easiest for you right now? Right now, you are feeling sad and depressed about the affair ending...are you acting that way around your wife? What if she notices and asks you why you are acting the way you are...what will you tell her? What if she starts to blame herself and starts thinking she must be doing something to upset you...what if you start taking your guilt out on her ( it can and does happen) i know it may sound crazy, but telling a spouse may actually help a marriage recover from infidelity better than not telling the betrayed spouse. If she decides to reconcile, she will know what you have been going through and may even be able to support you through it...the two of you will be able to work together to improve the areas in your marriage that you feel are lacking and you won't have to live with the guilt that you had this long term secret affair and your wife doesn't know...most of all, you won't have to live your life with this sword over your head...you'll be able to have a more honest relationship with your wife
Author feelinglost29 Posted February 13, 2012 Author Posted February 13, 2012 Frozenspouts, You do make good points, and I can't argue against any of them on a rational level. I am scared that that the prostitute will come to my home and confront me or my wife. When you Google my name our house address comes up.. I'm sure the prostitute has Google'd my name. The prostitute also made some veiled threat that she wanted to "see me with my happy family". This was on Friday, about half way through our 3 or 4 hour breakup conversation.. When she said this I told her very calmly and nicely that I had done nothing wrong to her, she was the one that betrayed me. And I explained that I am the betrayer to my wife, just as the prostitute was to me, and that to drag my wife down would be cruel. The prostitute said she wasn't threatening me, she was jealous. Nevertheless, this scares me a lot. I have some solace thinking that she would be afraid that I would tell her family then about her being a prostitute. Although she told me she was going to tell her daughter and brother - which I doubt she will do. I appreciate what you say Frozenspouts. I'm not brushing it aside. I can't do it, not right now. If she finds out by some other way I realize it will be worse. I know I'm cowardly when it comes to emotions and this, and I know I'm risking more damage to my wife, but I simply can't right now.
frozensprouts Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 (edited) you do have a lot on your plate right now, that's for sure. there was a user on here ( and maybe he still reads posts from time to time) with the user name RickFoxx...( i think i spelled that correctly) who's been in an affair and was trying to work through his feelings. If you look up some of his posts/threads, you may find them very helpful...the situation was different, but a lot of the emotions are the same I know i probably sounded harsh to you, but you have a lot of harsh realities to face, and it may well be the toughest thing you have ever done in your life...but if you stick it out and "face your demons" you may well come out on the other side a happier person who feels a lot better about themselves and their life best of luck to you:) (here is a link to the thread he started... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t299725/ ) Edited February 13, 2012 by frozensprouts
Author feelinglost29 Posted February 13, 2012 Author Posted February 13, 2012 No real point in saying this except to say it. As I said this has been a self awareness event for me. I realize that this is for me. To this point, not for my wife, not for the prostitute. I do however have this desire to print these pages out and send them to the prostitute. I want her to see her part in where I am at today. I want her to feel dirty, sad and empty - like me. I told her not to text me. I think I told her that we needed space and that I would call her on what would have been our 4 year (non-prostitute) anniversary on March 10th if I thought we could work it out - btw, that is the day we first saw each other after she said she quit working as a prostitute. But she hasn't called. She hasn't texted me telling me she's sorry and would do anything to work it out. She hasn't dialed my number and hung up. So I don't know what she is feeling. I know I shouldn't care about what she's feeling, but I do. I want her to see this and feel the pain that I am feeling. I've even had the insane thought to Facebook message her daughter (the prostitute hid her profile the same day of our breakup), to check on how she and her mom are doing. Her daughter is a sweet strong 20 year old girl, she's three months pregnant and is working hard to start a life. I really do hope her mom didn't tell her that she's been a prostitute. I even thought of telling her to message me if she or her mom ever needed help. OBVIOUSLY this is pathetic and wrong and I would not do it. OBVIOUSLY part of the KISA syndrome that I probably have. I'm just putting this up here to as an example of how my mind is trying to find some way to stay connected to this prostitute... Again, pathetic. I don't think anyone would tell me this would be a good idea. It's just in my head.
Author feelinglost29 Posted February 13, 2012 Author Posted February 13, 2012 Frozenspouts, Thank you, from my heart, thank you.
frozensprouts Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 Frozenspouts, You do make good points, and I can't argue against any of them on a rational level. I am scared that that the prostitute will come to my home and confront me or my wife. When you Google my name our house address comes up.. I'm sure the prostitute has Google'd my name. The prostitute also made some veiled threat that she wanted to "see me with my happy family". This was on Friday, about half way through our 3 or 4 hour breakup conversation.. When she said this I told her very calmly and nicely that I had done nothing wrong to her, she was the one that betrayed me. And I explained that I am the betrayer to my wife, just as the prostitute was to me, and that to drag my wife down would be cruel. The prostitute said she wasn't threatening me, she was jealous. Nevertheless, this scares me a lot. I have some solace thinking that she would be afraid that I would tell her family then about her being a prostitute. Although she told me she was going to tell her daughter and brother - which I doubt she will do. I appreciate what you say Frozenspouts. I'm not brushing it aside. I can't do it, not right now. If she finds out by some other way I realize it will be worse. I know I'm cowardly when it comes to emotions and this, and I know I'm risking more damage to my wife, but I simply can't right now. oh dear... it does sound like you really have this urge in you to try and fix everything for everyone else... while it really is an admirable trait to want to help others, you have to know when to stop and you have to help and "fix" yourself before you can fix anyone else. Once you do that, you'll still be able to help others, but you'll learn the boundaries of where they end and you begin, and you'll also learn when it's time to stop
PhoenixRise Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 2sunny, When I get through, or I should say over, the prostitute I am going to do exactly what you said. Another poster said the same thing as well. I am going to go through therapy to address ME and I'm going to reconnect with my wife completely. I will stop treating her like an employee with the title of "Wife" with a job description "take care of family". I will treat her like the beautiful, loving, amazing woman that she is. I will give her all the love and attention I gave the prostitute. I will give her a husband. This made me throw up in my mouth just a little. You are going to give your wife, who you have described as someone who truly loves you and who you say is very selfless, all the love and attention you gave a prostitute?? Well isn't your wife a lucky lucky woman I agree with Spark and others who are saying the prostitute scammed you from the beginning. If you are as well off as you are describing, the prostitute knew exactly who you were and had a good idea of how much you are worth before she ever serviced you the first time. It is in her financial interest for you to feel the way you do about her. Even now you feel like you want to make yourself available to help her in the future if she needs you. It was in her financial interest to make you think you were saving her from a life of prostitution so she let you think that while she continued to make money from other men while she had you paying all her bills. Think about that. While you were paying all her bills, giving her extra money, buying her extravagant gifts, she was under NO immediate financial need that would require her to turn tricks. Not if she actually cared anything about you and WANTED to stop turning tricks. She created a fantasy that you two were right out of the "Pretty Woman" movie when all along she just saw you as one of her many clients. Creating a fantasy is what prostitutes do. Feelinglost29 I hope you do get the help you need to figure out why you did this.
Author feelinglost29 Posted February 13, 2012 Author Posted February 13, 2012 (edited) Think about that. While you were paying all her bills, giving her extra money, buying her extravagant gifts, she was under NO immediate financial need that would require her to turn tricks. Not if she actually cared anything about you and WANTED to stop turning tricks. She created a fantasy that you two were right out of the "Pretty Woman" movie when all along she just saw you as one of her many clients. Creating a fantasy is what prostitutes do. Feelinglost29 I hope you do get the help you need to figure out why you did this. This is what kills me and shows me that you guys are probably right. After I found out three weeks ago that she was back to working at the massage parlors, I spent the next two weeks giving her MORE time and MORE money. Telling her that I was going to even give her MORE in a couple months. I told her I would do anything so she would not do it again. I made it clear to her that she didn't NEED to do that work. She told me that she didn't want to accept my money (although she NEVER refused it) because she didn't want to take from my family.. I know how insane this all is. So I even explained, for the first time to her, exactly how much money I made and how I would have no problem taking care of her forever.. Yet, she did it again, almost instantly. I was a rich client that she had on the hook. Maybe she didn't have to go back to massage parlors, but she would certainly keep a handful of other rich clients around to feed her savings. And yet, instantly, she went back to calling clients and setting up private appointments. What's funny is that she started working, again after the conversation three weeks ago, about 12 days later. The only reason I believe it was 12 days, instead of 1 or 2 days is because she had lip surgery immediately after I found out and we talked. She had stitches on her lip, and was swollen, for about 10-11 days. I remember the stitches were gone completely that Friday, then she went out with a client the next day. It's very safe to assume that if there was no surgery she would have gone back to doing it the next day if the client had asked. It's also safe to assume that she's been doing this for four years. I was played. I have to keep reinforcing this in my head. None of it was real. It's not my job to help her. Edited February 13, 2012 by feelinglost29
Mme. Chaucer Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 So your "wife" never noticed the gigantic drain on your family's finances? If you're so rich that supporting an entire other household plus financial and other extravagant gifts aren't even an issue for you or detectable, why are you even concerned about monetary repercussions of divorce?
Author feelinglost29 Posted February 13, 2012 Author Posted February 13, 2012 Because, simply, half of my money is not enough to support my family lifestyle. If I gave my wife 1/2 of everything that I make it would not keep her in the houses, cars, schools... The money I was giving to the prostitute was a small fraction, yes un-detectable, spending money; I'm not bragging, I'm explaining... My real expenses, those for my family, are astronomical. The math wouldn't work. I would need to give her 70% to keep her in the same lifestyle. And to make matters worse, in the case of a divorce, my businesses and investments are complicated and would be shielded in a divorce. My wife would not be "entitled" by law to much more than support (which surely would be a large amount, but at the end of the day, that court ordered amount would be less than 50%). If she were to get angry, which I believe she would, there would be a slew of forensic accountants and $1500 per hour attorney's fighting for YEARS in court. And in the meantime, I would go back to the prostitute for sure. I would need more money to keep her happy (because as a master rationalizer and complete idiot I would make myself believe that I could stop her from being a prostitute by "saving her" with money and things). I would find rationalizations to, regardless of my culpability, want to keep some semblance of my current lifestyle and that I am entitled to the money I earn - which would lead to more court battles, more attorney's, less for my wife and less for my children. I would be estranged from my children, without a doubt. I would spread this crap to several people and scar them forever. I would rather put a bullet in my head. NO WAY.
CALOVELY Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 Because, simply, half of my money is not enough to support my family lifestyle. If I gave my wife 1/2 of everything that I make it would not keep her in the houses, cars, schools... The money I was giving to the prostitute was a small fraction, yes un-detectable, spending money; I'm not bragging, I'm explaining... My real expenses, those for my family, are astronomical. The math wouldn't work. I would need to give her 70% to keep her in the same lifestyle. And to make matters worse, in the case of a divorce, my businesses and investments are complicated and would be shielded in a divorce. My wife would not be "entitled" by law to much more than support (which surely would be a large amount, but at the end of the day, that court ordered amount would be less than 50%). If she were to get angry, which I believe she would, there would be a slew of forensic accountants and $1500 per hour attorney's fighting for YEARS in court. And in the meantime, I would go back to the prostitute for sure. I would need more money to keep her happy (because as a master rationalizer and complete idiot I would make myself believe that I could stop her from being a prostitute by "saving her" with money and things). I would find rationalizations to, regardless of my culpability, want to keep some semblance of my current lifestyle and that I am entitled to the money I earn - which would lead to more court battles, more attorney's, less for my wife and less for my children. I would be estranged from my children, without a doubt. I would spread this crap to several people and scar them forever. I would rather put a bullet in my head. NO WAY. In other words, you wouldn't support your wife like you should, further screw her over and then run back to your hooker and you make it sound like you have no choice in the matter. Crap just "happens" to you. Got it.
PhoenixRise Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 Because, simply, half of my money is not enough to support my family lifestyle. If I gave my wife 1/2 of everything that I make it would not keep her in the houses, cars, schools... The money I was giving to the prostitute was a small fraction, yes un-detectable, spending money; I'm not bragging, I'm explaining... My real expenses, those for my family, are astronomical. The math wouldn't work. I would need to give her 70% to keep her in the same lifestyle. And to make matters worse, in the case of a divorce, my businesses and investments are complicated and would be shielded in a divorce. My wife would not be "entitled" by law to much more than support (which surely would be a large amount, but at the end of the day, that court ordered amount would be less than 50%). If she were to get angry, which I believe she would, there would be a slew of forensic accountants and $1500 per hour attorney's fighting for YEARS in court. And in the meantime, I would go back to the prostitute for sure. I would need more money to keep her happy (because as a master rationalizer and complete idiot I would make myself believe that I could stop her from being a prostitute by "saving her" with money and things). I would find rationalizations to, regardless of my culpability, want to keep some semblance of my current lifestyle and that I am entitled to the money I earn - which would lead to more court battles, more attorney's, less for my wife and less for my children. I would be estranged from my children, without a doubt. I would spread this crap to several people and scar them forever. I would rather put a bullet in my head. NO WAY. Good Grief Man. Do you even hear yourself? Are you really saying that you would be powerless to resist the pull of a prostitute? Are you really saying that knowing what you now know about her, if your wife got angry and wanted a divorce you would not be able to keep yourself away from the prostitute? Really?
CALOVELY Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 It's creative writing. Beginning to think a few things myself. Common denominators: This thread, the toothfairy and unicorns.
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