PinkCarnations Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 Super long, complicated story but the gist of it is that the guy who I was dating was confused for several months because his ex was persistent on them getting back together. They originally broke up because she moved away for work, but now she's moved back and wants to be with him. He debated for a while, and asked his family and friends for advice. All of them told him to pick me because they felt he needed to move forward with his life and also that me & him seemed more compatible. I was supposedly more fun and cuter, while his ex was the typical nice, sweet girl, but plain and boring. So he “chose me” & told his ex that they can't be back together, the most she can ask for is friendship, because he wants to keep dating me instead. It was too good to be true. She never gave up, and I often see her text and call him and even saw emails from her about their "happy memories" together. I felt sick to my stomach every time I see him step out of the room to talk to her. At night, he waited until I fell asleep to talk to her out in the living room… for several hours too. Even though it was mainly arguing. I couldn't help but feel sad. I felt like I was in a relationship where I was sharing him with another person, and I knew I needed to cut things off, but it was really hard, because I was living with him at the time. A few weeks (maybe a month or two), he finally decided he was going to give her a chance. He says all she's been was good to him, and he owes her this chance because he's neglected her so much in the past, & that if he doesn't, the guilt will kill him.. whereas if he broke things off with me, he would only have regret, which he can live with. In the end, he told me he was sorry and that I deserve better. As I was making plans to find a new place, he was kissing me a lot more, hugging me longer & always gazing lovingly into my eyes and say sweet things like “how could I ever let this go.” One night, before we went to bed, he told me, "honestly I don't know what I'm doing with her.. What do you do when the other person doesn't let go?" And he says I'm going to be that girl that he's going to come knocking down my door one day and will do everything to have me back. I feel like one of the reasons why he didn't chose me ultimately was because I am moving away for graduate school in a few months, and he asked me to choose somewhere in state but I told him, he can't be a factor in my decision-making because he wasn't committed to me. The truth was that I wanted to go to school in-state and be near him, but I never told him, because I wanted him to choose me first. He says that one day, when I'm older, I will understand his decision better. He said that he's at a point where he wants to settle and be married, and I'm too young and still unstable, whereas his ex was more mature, would never leave him, and had a stable job. On the day I moved, he helped me, but he was very teary-eyed all the while and kept going to lay down because he was feeling really depressed. He hugged me and said "I hate myself for being so confused. I just have to figure this out. Will you ever forgive me?" Everyone says they won't last, because he will eventually be tired of her. I understand that he needs to get back with her so that he can live knowing that he gave it a chance. He told me himself that he's stepping into muddy waters, but he needs to do it so that he can see what the outcome will be. The pain is unimaginable.. I really love him, and he has told me that he loves me too.. Do I fight for it or let it go?
EspressoTorte Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 The fact they kept contact when you were with him is pretty telling. He's the one that's confused, I wouldn't feel awful about his being wishy washy. It sucks that you now have to pull up stakes as a result of this mess. Being in a similar situation a while ago, you'll probably be better off cutting your losses and moving on. Focus on your future, and heal.
M2155 Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 (edited) I had a "confused" ex as well who ended up picking his ex. I do believe it was a hard decision and some of the feelings your ex told you. But at the end of the day, they made that choice. If you really want to be with someone, you find a way to be with them. I think all the "you deserve better" and all that is just trying to make you feel better and not be mad at him for "having to pick her." Like my ex, it sounds like it was easier for him to hurt you, than it was to hurt her. She's never been out of the picture so he's had both of you for support. That's never been fair to you and obviously in his mind he kept her around because he couldn't let go either. Maybe they had unresolved feelings, maybe he had something to prove, maybe she is really the love of his life...I don't know. I gave up on wanting mine back, because like you, he wasn't always fair to me and i couldnt compete with whatever bond he had with his ex (despite being better in many other ways ). It is great that you made an independent decision because you knew he wasn't committed. Maybe the distance will help you both realize if this was the relationship you want. I don't know if it will last, but it's a good bet you'll be hearing from him again either way. Just don't put your life on pause wondering if/when, let him do the wondering if he made the right choice. Edited February 11, 2012 by M2155
quankanne Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 he finally decided he was going to give her a chance. He says all she's been was good to him, and he owes her this chance because he's neglected her so much in the past, & that if he doesn't, the guilt will kill him.. whereas if he broke things off with me, he would only have regret, which he can live with. In the end, he told me he was sorry and that I deserve better. ... he says I'm going to be that girl that he's going to come knocking down my door one day and will do everything to have me back. plain and simple, he's suffering from divided loyalty, and ultimately, he's chosen her, not you. Unless you're ready to put up with a future of uncertainty and mistrust, I say it's time to move on, even though this has got to hurt like a sumbxtch. I included part of your post in my response because there are red flags popping up ~ if he wants to be with you, he wouldn't be keeping the door open for his ex. If he wants to be with her, he shouldn't be telling you crap like he did in that last sentence, because it sounds like you've become his back-up plan. I know he's confused, but telling you those kinds of things says more about him putting himself first, and not your relationship. And it says a hell of a lot about the level of respect he has for you: If he's walking away to give her another chance, but he says he cares about you? Then it goes to say that he should respect you enough to allow you the chance to find happiness, even if it's elsewhere, and to pull the same crap with you that his ex is with him. nothing is going to compare to this relationship you have with him, neither good nor bad, but I guarantee that if you open yourself to the possibility of loving another person, you're going to find what you're meant to have. You just have to give yourself the chance
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