nyc1308 Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 Hi everyone, I apologize for jumping in right away with a request for help. I realize that's rude and makes me look like someone who doesn't appreciate this community for what it is; that's much the opposite and I really do appreciate what you guys do here, and have been a lurker for quite some time. Here's the situation. Six years ago I proposed to the love of my life. We've lived together, engaged, since then. We've seen the world together, had a very strong relationship filled with great love, sex, and what I thought was strength through very hard times. This last year has been incredibly stressful. Her father passed away, I cut off contact with my family due to years of emotional abuse, and we've had severe money troubles. I'm good at what I do, but I've been under-employed and thus not been able to contribute financially much. Couple that with always being around and being grouchy about her wanting to spend time doing other activities other than hanging out with me (mistake, I know), she announced yesterday morning that she needed some space, and was going to stay at a relative's house over the weekend. She says she loves me but isn't sure she can be with me because of how things "never get done" around the house; she brought up situations (small) from over the entire six years. She's been increasingly cold and "bitchy" (for lack of better terms); sex dried up over the last month; I've been begging her to make a better effort, and in the process, I'm sure I've suffocated her. As she was leaving she told me she loved me and would be back; and that if I couldn't just give her the weekend, she couldn't be with me. I broke my promise and called her and left a quick "I love you, I'm giving you space but I had to say it" voicemail. I also called her accidentally to which she sent a text saying she couldn't reply but wanted to know if I needed anything. I said, just your love, and she replied "Love you". Haven't heard from her since. What do I do? It'll be seven years this year, if we make it. I can't stop crying and feel shattered inside because I love this woman more than anything. I've asked a couple of trusted friends and they say she likely needed to cool off and I shouldn't be so worried. Any advice from the experts? Thanks in advance.
pinkie Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 Meaning of Love: Putting other's needs before your own. Would you rather give her the space for the weekend that she's asked for or possibly lose her forever? It sounds like you know that you've been suffocating her. She is your everything? You need to work on your own identity. It sounds like maybe you're in a slump, but you've got to find a way to get yourself together. Stop being so 'needy' and 'clingy'... that's a lot of pressure to put on someone. Why such the long engagement? Where is this relationship going? Find a hobbie, put your best foot forward, try to better yourself and be the man you know you can be to make this relationship successful!
Exit Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 I know it's hard but you definitely gotta pump the brakes for right now. She didn't ask you for a month apart (which some girls do), so far she has only asked for a weekend. Keep yourself busy and don't let her hear another peep out of you after already calling twice. Call a friend, rent some movies, or clean up and do some of the things around the house that were bothering her.
Author nyc1308 Posted February 11, 2012 Author Posted February 11, 2012 EgoJoe: We are both 29. Pinkie: You're right. I saw my therapist yesterday and received an action plan to solve a lot of the issues I brought up. I want to be the best man I can be, for myself first, for her second. Now, I just want her to know that I mean it.
Dark Phoenix Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 you do that by actually following through with the action plan and put the relationship on a break.
cincinnatikid Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 Take the advice that's been put out so far on the forum. Pump the brakes, work on yourself, and let her "fly," so to speak. It is true that real love is putting someone else needs ahead of your own. That does not mean your feelings and your needs are not worth recognizing. What it does mean is that your needs, almost always, can only be met by you. If I'm you (and this is so much easier said than done) take her at word and leave her alone. Take a look at my post(s). While we are not in the same boat exactly, the underlying issues for you are there (just like mine were). Difference was I ceded to my emotions versus my rational brain. I hope you'll take the latter of the two. It will work out for you in the end I assure you. Keep us posted. We're always here, regardless of the outcome.
blindnowisee Posted February 12, 2012 Posted February 12, 2012 Hi all, I've just broken up - 9 year relationship.. would have been 10 at the end of this month but wanted to share my experience: Whenever a woman needs space / time for herself to 'find herself', 'go out with friends' or whatever reason she has, this means the following (IMO): - You have changed from being a confident, independent man that has his own life, own hobbies, own passions, own friends and basically your own 'schedule of the week' into a dependent person probably became predictable, boring and no longer a 'catch'. Combine this with overall money woes and issues and you have a recipe for a nightmare. I'm not attacking you as a person, I'm just giving you my assessment based on the limited information I have on you. I know I changed from having my own life to becoming completely consumed by my relationship and I also recognise that this is not a healthy thing (neither for me, my ex or our then relationship). You have to learn to be an independent man again. Go outside, find a new hobby, find a new passion in life and wholly pursue it. This is the only remedy for getting the love of your life back as she will either find you to be interesting agian and continue in your relationship or you'll both be better off parting ways if that is not the case.. I know we all talk about GIGS.. and we all kinda hide behind it (I know I did) however the truth of the matter is that we're to blame for this.. We turned into boring, predictable people, lost the passion in your relationship, got hit by routine.. I've experienced it all. Working => coming home from work knackered => having dinner in front of the television.. ad infinitum. Take a good look at yourself, reflect on your life and honestly ask yourself the question: Is this really how I want to spend the next 10-20-50 years? Is this sustainable or are we heading towards the inevitable? Sorry for the rant. Hope it helps.
Author nyc1308 Posted February 12, 2012 Author Posted February 12, 2012 blindnowisee: You hit the nail on the head. I've been in "crisis counseling" since Friday. I've had multiple sessions with the counselors/therapists they've set me up with to work through problems and help address them in context of the relationship. I did break NC yesterday and sent a quick after-work text: I hope you had a good day, I was just thinking about you. I love you." I received a nearly instant reply of (verbatim): "Thanks, you too. Love you too." I don't know how to take that but my heart wants to accept it at face value. My brain wants to throw me into a chemical spiral of "she didn't mean it, etc.". I have addressed, with the counselors, a lot of past issues that have caused issues in this relationship. Abandonment. The "space" issue. The overbearing nature and the everyday "blah". There's also several issues in the past that have affected our sex life. Abuse issues. I have committed myself to changing myself, to fixing myself, to be the best man I can be. When she comes home from her "space break", I'm going to sincerely talk to her about addressing these isssues. Finding ourselves again, and being better people for OURSELVES, and then our relationship will be stronger. I want to break this cycle before it ruins something we've had for so long that is, fundamentally, strong. I have therapy, medication, counseling, meetings, and WORK ahead of me. I'm READY to get started. I just hope she'll not bail on me now that I really have identified what I need to do to be a better man.
blindnowisee Posted February 12, 2012 Posted February 12, 2012 Actions speak louder than words. You're better off getting yourself on the rail ASAP instead of waiting for you gf to come back from her break period. She'll not be wanting to come back to hear your future plans.. she wants to see change. And you know what? You show her you're investing in yourself.. trying to become the most awesome YOU you can ever become.. and if she doesn't like it.. then you'll know she's not the right one for you. Enjoy life and keep us up to date as to how you get on. I'm not a believer of medication but horses for courses..
Chi townD Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 Acting distant and bitchy, sex dried up and now she needs some space? Dude, these are all red flags. Where did she go for her getaway weekend? Who did she go with? These are red flasgs for someone else being in the picture. It wouldn't surprise me if she comes back and gives to the "ILYBNILWY" speech.
EgoJoe Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 Ok, dude, dump this girl. She may come back but it is time to dump her and heal. You say this, "I love you and I wanted to be with you. You obviously don't want the same and I want to get a jump start on getting over you. I wish you nothing but happiness and I hope that someday you will realize that when you're dishonest for any reason it hurts everybody involved. Goodbye. I don't want to talk to you so don't contact me." Then, go NC for a minimum of six months and do not initiate contact. Bang other women.
Author nyc1308 Posted February 13, 2012 Author Posted February 13, 2012 Acting distant and bitchy, sex dried up and now she needs some space? Dude, these are all red flags. Where did she go for her getaway weekend? Who did she go with? These are red flasgs for someone else being in the picture. It wouldn't surprise me if she comes back and gives to the "ILYBNILWY" speech. She was working most of it and with her mom the rest of it.
Author nyc1308 Posted February 13, 2012 Author Posted February 13, 2012 Actions speak louder than words. You're better off getting yourself on the rail ASAP instead of waiting for you gf to come back from her break period. She'll not be wanting to come back to hear your future plans.. she wants to see change. And you know what? You show her you're investing in yourself.. trying to become the most awesome YOU you can ever become.. and if she doesn't like it.. then you'll know she's not the right one for you. Enjoy life and keep us up to date as to how you get on. I'm not a believer of medication but horses for courses.. You're correct, friend. Thank you. And regarding medicine, I'm not opposed to it but I've never explored that path. I'm sure I'll figure out if it's right for me or not. I'm heading out the door in an hour for my first appointment with my new therapist who is in an agency that is also supposed to set me up with counseling for various other issues that came up during my initial session with the crisis counselors. Starting the process of becoming a new, better me. To help with my under-employment and financial stresses that've caused so much problems, I reached out to a friend who owns a business and explained my situation and that I could use some work to help get myself 1) out of the house more and 2) bringing in some extra cash. He agreed and I'm interviewing there to start work this week. I do know that she's coming home after work today. I hope she's willing to see the work I've started on myself and an committing to. I'm doing it for myself because I can't be the person I was.
Graceful Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 Here's the situation. Six years ago I proposed to the love of my life. We've lived together, engaged, since then. We've seen the world together, had a very strong relationship filled with great love, sex, and what I thought was strength through very hard times. Hiya nyc, Sorry to have to deliver this news to you, but the minute I saw "six year engagement", I was done, and as far as I'm concerned, this relationship is done, too. As I said, sorry. The damage is done. You're not back tracking trying to do damage *control* -- you've already done the damage, so trying to prove something now is going to be an UPHILL climb for you and a steep one, and you might want to face the fact, it's going to be for YOU, not the relationship, which is probably on its last legs. Newsflash: Engagement is not a stage or phase of a relationship. It's a prelude to marriage. Normal engagements last a year, or maybe two -- you basically got "engaged" and didn't change a thing, except let your relationship go down the tubes. That's not what engagements are for. People who plan to marry make sure they have the same value systems, work together as a team, plan a future, plan finances, make decisions together --- in short, they PUT EFFORT into a relationship. When the going gets tough,they get going TOGETHER, not apart. Stressful times are the true acid test. Your relationship failed during that time. Now you want to fix it? Well, you get out what you put in, and you haven't put anything into your relationship until now, BINGO, when your GF decides to walk out the door. How do you think that makes her feel?? Like she had to threaten you to get off your a$$? Frankly, everything and anything you do now, do for YOURSELF. Take the advice given, and get cracking and working on yourself. You may not be able to repair the damage, but if anything will help, it will be by getting out of your rut. Your GF needs space and you had best give it to her. The rest is up to you, but quite honestly, you should be very realistic about how your GF feels and keep your expectations in check. I mean, you're going to have to work to get a spark going with your GF again, and I wish ya luck with that. I really do. You're going to need it.
sammyman Posted February 28, 2012 Posted February 28, 2012 Here is my story that I would appreciate some third part opinion please: 4 incredible years together. She is the most beautiful, kind and fun women I have ever met, and I have looked at this from a completely subjective point of view. My family and friends are amazed at how I managed to bag such a beauty and sometimes, so am I. 4 years of an incredibly, intimate, loving relationship. No fights, Just love. I am her first and only man. However, same old story, out of the blue she needs to break up. She kissed her 40 year old boss, a director of some prime time television programmes on Channel 4, ‘it seemed like the happy thing to do,’ and she is not 100% certain that I am the one anymore. She is confused and needs some time apart to work things out. She loves me deeply, can see us happy spending the rest of our lives together, wants to bear my children, but in the same breath says that if we stay together now, we will end up hating each other and she will cheat on me. She has never lain with another man, and she is curious. She feels she needs some time to work out what she really wants in life and needs some space. But hopes with all her heart that we can reconcile in the future and be stronger than ever before. So I reluctantly let her go, with the view to meet again in 3 months time to reconcile. As soon as I let her go, she sparks up a relationship with her 40 year old boss, she’s 23. Her friends and family are dismayed and so am I. Her words upon speaking to her very briefly were, ‘He is here and you aren’t’. She is working and living in Brighton while I’m running my two companies out of my Birmingham offices due to government funding, but my family live close to Brighton. She tells her friends that it’s a mess, she tells her friends that it is not a long term relationship with her boss, she tells her friends and me she loves me and is hurt to hear that I have been on dates with others already. She tells her parents that she loves me, that she will probably never meet anyone nicer, but needs time to get this out of her system and ‘sow her wild oats’. I am in disarray and unable to function effectively. This episode has lost me many a contract as well as a place on a business programme on sky 1 as I just never turned up to the necessary meetings due to me lying horizontal on the floor of the office unable to function. I respect her determination and courage to break off something that was so good just to ‘experience’ life. But on the other had I am utterly broken and am unable to comprehend what is going on in her mind. I meeting her in London in May and have booked a travel trip to Cuba in July, but I don’t know what will happen. I can’t move on with no closure. I can’t give up on her. I can’t function without resolution. I just can’t work right now and I am a prisoner to my thoughts that are ever circularind and driving me crazy. What do I do? Help!
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