venus358 Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 Please tell me.... I was married and had an affair with a MM. My marriage was not a good one to say the least and I recognise that rather than face that I looked for a quick fix. But we carried on with the affair after I split with my husband. It only took me 3 months to realise that being the OW wasn't for me. And even though we "fell in love." If he wasn't going to do anything about his situation I needed to get out. He was with me almost every day and stayed quite late too. I could never have gotten away with being out of my house until 9-10pm every night of the week like he did, so I figured she must have known but didn't want to face it. But after we broke up, I saw him online only 4 days later looking for someone else. So, I printed out all our emails, knocked on his door and handed them to his wife. I know it's probably extremely painful for her right now. But don't you want to know? I would and I would want the details. I felt that if I didn't give them to her he would lie his way out of it. Knowing the full extent of what your spouse did and said would make a difference to whether you could forgive them or be with them. Well, that's what I think. But I know that some don't agree.
woinlove Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 Please tell me.... I was married and had an affair with a MM. My marriage was not a good one to say the least and I recognise that rather than face that I looked for a quick fix. But we carried on with the affair after I split with my husband. It only took me 3 months to realise that being the OW wasn't for me. And even though we "fell in love." If he wasn't going to do anything about his situation I needed to get out. He was with me almost every day and stayed quite late too. I could never have gotten away with being out of my house until 9-10pm every night of the week like he did, so I figured she must have known but didn't want to face it. But after we broke up, I saw him online only 4 days later looking for someone else. So, I printed out all our emails, knocked on his door and handed them to his wife. I know it's probably extremely painful for her right now. But don't you want to know? I would and I would want the details. I felt that if I didn't give them to her he would lie his way out of it. Knowing the full extent of what your spouse did and said would make a difference to whether you could forgive them or be with them. Well, that's what I think. But I know that some don't agree. Did you tell his W that he was back on dating sites? Because I think that makes it pretty clear how little his "I love you's" mean and so his W must know he is a sick and broken man. Just like some marriages can survive alcohol or drug addiction if the person breaks the addiction and changes, some marriages can survive infidelity. Others don't. That is really up to him and his W. As to telling, it sounds like your motivation was anger or jealousy, but I agree that most people want to know if they are being deceived in such a drastic way, and by knowing the real situation, they have an opportunity to chose and act with that knowledge. After much pain they could come out in a better place, whether that is staying together or divorcing. I think such deep deception poisons the home environment. I've been in the position of telling someone out of compassion and love and it is just a bad situation no matter what, but choosing honesty is trying to make the best of a horrible situation. It is the infidelity and deception and lies that make it horrible.
beenburned Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 Your XMM is nothing but a serial cheater that uses women for his own pleasure. He isn't capable of loving anyone because he is a selfish, self centered creep that is constantly on the prowl for fresh meat. You should be thankful you found out the truth about him. Unfortunately for his wife, she invested years ,children ,houses , cars, real estate, and even debts with him. I'm glad you told her and provided evidence, so she won't waste anymore of her life with this loser. P.S. You aren't missing him, you are just missing the illusion of the person you thought he was. But he wasn't anything but a lying con artist!
robf1971 Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 I was married and had an affair with a MM. So, I printed out all our emails, knocked on his door and handed them to his wife. . All it shows is that cheaters can't deal with being cheated on. I've seen it time and time again. Some sort of selfish flaw in their characters.
Author venus358 Posted February 11, 2012 Author Posted February 11, 2012 All it shows is that cheaters can't deal with being cheated on. I've seen it time and time again. Some sort of selfish flaw in their characters. Excuse me? NO ONE likes to be cheated on, NO ONE. That's why it's called cheating. I'm sorry but it does appear from a few things you have written that you have a chip on your shoulder. I'm sure that you are hurting that that is why you are on here but I don't think it's necessary to write things like that.
woinlove Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 Excuse me? NO ONE likes to be cheated on, NO ONE. That's why it's called cheating. I'm sorry but it does appear from a few things you have written that you have a chip on your shoulder. I'm sure that you are hurting that that is why you are on here but I don't think it's necessary to write things like that. He has a point, which a few others have commented on also, which is why do you care if the BW wants to know when you were not motivated by what she wanted? Is it that you are still sorting out how you feel about what you did?
Author venus358 Posted February 11, 2012 Author Posted February 11, 2012 The question was, do spouses want to know? I ask because I would but some of my friends say that they wouldn't. My motivation was not the question nor is that relevant anymore because it's done. One thing everyone most likely has in common here is that everyone here has been or is in love. So, I gave background so people understood where I was coming from. Otherwise I suspected some very nasty "how could you do that comments." In order to share an opinon on the situation what was necessary to know is that I could see he was never going to stop cheating on her. Of course I'm still working through how I feel about it or I wouldn't be asking. It was only 4 days ago when it all happened!
robf1971 Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 Excuse me? NO ONE likes to be cheated on, NO ONE. That's why it's called cheating. I'm sorry but it does appear from a few things you have written that you have a chip on your shoulder. I'm sure that you are hurting that that is why you are on here but I don't think it's necessary to write things like that. Actually, I'm fully reconciled, very happy and worked damn hard to get things back on track so I pretty much say things how I see them. I do like to help others on here. You are saying you cheated on your husband, with a married man, basically throwing 2 people under a bus, not giving a d*mn about their feelings. Now you are expecting some sort of sympathy when your cheating affair partner does the dirty on you On behalf of all the people who are hurting right now because of people like you I've got 2 words for you 'ZERO SYMPATHY'
Author venus358 Posted February 11, 2012 Author Posted February 11, 2012 Actually, I'm fully reconciled, very happy and worked damn hard to get things back on track so I pretty much say things how I see them. I do like to help others on here. You are saying you cheated on your husband, with a married man, basically throwing 2 people under a bus, not giving a d*mn about their feelings. Now you are expecting some sort of sympathy when your cheating affair partner does the dirty on you On behalf of all the people who are hurting right now because of people like you I've got 2 words for you 'ZERO SYMPATHY' I did not ask for your sympathy. I asked for an opinion to 1 question. I did not ask for your emotional and venomous response either. You do not know what my marriage was like. How my husband decided he wasn't going to work for the last 3 years but sent me out to work full time and pay for 3 properties that HE bought with MY credit. How verbally abusive he was and how he isolated me from friends and family. NO, to YOU all that matters is that I put the nail in the coffin by cheating on him. Yes, that was the singular act that broke us up in the end but it was only one of many many issues. And by the time I did it I nearly despised him. So please stop replying to me, I don't want to hear what you have to say. Because you are obviously still upset and use this forum as a way to get back at everyone who has had an affair, you are not here to help at least be honest to everyone.
Bryanp Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 I think you absolutely did the right thing informing the wife. She had a right to know.
Woggle Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 You are no better than him so just let bygones by bygones. Move on.
whichwayisup Posted February 12, 2012 Posted February 12, 2012 I could never have gotten away with being out of my house until 9-10pm every night of the week like he did, so I figured she must have known but didn't want to face it. Some people are very good at lying and deceiving, even more so if the marriage is good and there's no reason to mistrust. If he works alot or has a busy social life, or has hobbies (hockey - sometimes people play late at night, depending on the times to get a rink), it's easy to have a cover story. And again, if there's no reason to mistrust, why wouldn't she take him at his word?
whichwayisup Posted February 12, 2012 Posted February 12, 2012 You do not know what my marriage was like. How my husband decided he wasn't going to work for the last 3 years but sent me out to work full time and pay for 3 properties that HE bought with MY credit. How verbally abusive he was and how he isolated me from friends and family. But all that, as sad and awful as it was for you to suffer and go through (sorry that you did - your exH is a b#stard!) it still didn't give you the right or justification to go and cheat.. Did cheating help you in the long run? Seems your mindset and where you are is in the midst of lots of confusion and pain. I hope you find peace, get some counseling to help you cope with all that you've suffered and also help you get a healthier path, away from exMM and his wife.
bentnotbroken Posted February 12, 2012 Posted February 12, 2012 I could never have gotten away with being out of my house until 9-10pm every night of the week like he did, so I figured she must have known but didn't want to face it. :confused:I could stay out as long as I chose to....because I am an adult:cool: and I wasn't cheating. Mr. Messy used every excuse in the book. A church meeting, out of town overnight trip(not uncommon), basketball game, bowling...you name the lie and he used it. Did I know...nope. I trusted him, why wouldn't I believe him?
kaylan Posted February 12, 2012 Posted February 12, 2012 This post is SPOT on! Just a bunny boiler who couldnt handle being with a cheater anymore. I would stay clear of his wife..cause once she's done with the pain..she'll realize that you only outed him because you couldnt have him! This. You didnt care about his wifes feelings when you were sleeping with him...and chances are if he left her for you, you wouldnt have cared about her, her pain, or the family you broke apart. Why stick your nose into his business now and hurt this woman? It wasnt your place to inform her of anything, especially with what you did with her husband. Oh wells. You and him are peas in a pod imo. Sure the wife has a right to know...but she shouldnt find out from the woman who slept with her husband and wanted him to leave her...and who only told her after knowing she couldnt have him. Good day to you.
MissBee Posted February 12, 2012 Posted February 12, 2012 While I wouldn't have done what you did...as it didn't come from an altruistic place obviously, but a place of revenge and because you felt scorned that he cared so little, you weren't special and he just moved on. As for wanting to know? I do believe some would rather live in ignorance...BS's and OW alike. I see OW here daily living in denial of the reality of their situations and I am sure some BSs are like that as well. As for me personally? I do believe all things come to light and whether the OW told me or not, I'd eventually find out. If my husband cheated, I doubt I'd want to hear all the details...but maybe I'd have a sick fascination with it...I don't know. The more the details, the more sick to my stomach and unforgiving I'd probably feel. However, if the marriage is meant to withstand it..then I believe I'd be able to overcome it...if I cannot, then I need to move on. I don't think it is about less or more detail, but regardless I'd have to see how reconciliation feels to me and that would determine if I forgave and reconciled or called it quits.
Author venus358 Posted February 12, 2012 Author Posted February 12, 2012 But all that, as sad and awful as it was for you to suffer and go through (sorry that you did - your exH is a b#stard!) it still didn't give you the right or justification to go and cheat.. Did cheating help you in the long run? Seems your mindset and where you are is in the midst of lots of confusion and pain. I hope you find peace, get some counseling to help you cope with all that you've suffered and also help you get a healthier path, away from exMM and his wife. I am sure as hell going to need counselling after reading all this s@** from you people. This is not an opportunity to slander and bash me for what I did. I ASKED IF YOU WOULD WANT TO KNOW. NOT, gee guys why don't you tell me what you think of me, or what do you think about my situation. All you scorned people out there please.... if you have never done anything wrong feel free to cast the first stone. I am not saying what happened was "right" or "wrong." I'm not asking for comments about my motivation for what I did. What the hell is wrong with you? It seems to me that many of you use this as a forum to judge others and get back at the world for something that someone you loved did to you.
woinlove Posted February 12, 2012 Posted February 12, 2012 I am sure as hell going to need counselling after reading all this s@** from you people. This is not an opportunity to slander and bash me for what I did. I ASKED IF YOU WOULD WANT TO KNOW. NOT, gee guys why don't you tell me what you think of me, or what do you think about my situation. All you scorned people out there please.... if you have never done anything wrong feel free to cast the first stone. I am not saying what happened was "right" or "wrong." I'm not asking for comments about my motivation for what I did. What the hell is wrong with you? It seems to me that many of you use this as a forum to judge others and get back at the world for something that someone you loved did to you. Wwiu wasn't bashing you at all. She was trying to get you to look at your situation and the rationalizations you are using, because it seems you could benefit from understanding it better. Your anger is over the top. The comments your thread is generating on LS are not the real problem. There are deeper issues you need to look at and, as wwiu suggested, counselling could help.
Author venus358 Posted February 12, 2012 Author Posted February 12, 2012 This post is SPOT on! Just a bunny boiler who couldnt handle being with a cheater anymore. I would stay clear of his wife..cause once she's done with the pain..she'll realize that you only outed him because you couldnt have him! You don't think people saying I'm a bunny boiler and I have a flaw in my character are slanderous? Obviously you haven't read through the whole thread.
Stellar Wench Posted February 12, 2012 Posted February 12, 2012 (edited) You don't think people saying I'm a bunny boiler and I have a flaw in my character are slanderous? Nope. Not libelous either. It's an unkind truth about your character that you simply are unwilling to face. If you had admitted that you told the wife out of anger or revenge and not out of benevolence, you wouldn't have received such harsh criticism. Edited February 12, 2012 by Stellar Wench Added a thought
Stellar Wench Posted February 12, 2012 Posted February 12, 2012 I am sure as hell going to need counselling after reading all this s@** from you people. This is not an opportunity to slander and bash me for what I did. I ASKED IF YOU WOULD WANT TO KNOW. NOT, gee guys why don't you tell me what you think of me, or what do you think about my situation. All you scorned people out there please.... if you have never done anything wrong feel free to cast the first stone. I am not saying what happened was "right" or "wrong." I'm not asking for comments about my motivation for what I did. What the hell is wrong with you? It seems to me that many of you use this as a forum to judge others and get back at the world for something that someone you loved did to you.You don't need counseling because of what some faceless people write in opinion of your story. You need counseling because you aren't willing to own what you did and why. Be a grown up and take responsibility for your actions. People will have a lot more respect for you, and treat you more respectfully.
whichwayisup Posted February 12, 2012 Posted February 12, 2012 I am sure as hell going to need counselling after reading all this s@** from you people. This is not an opportunity to slander and bash me for what I did. I ASKED IF YOU WOULD WANT TO KNOW. NOT, gee guys why don't you tell me what you think of me, or what do you think about my situation. All you scorned people out there please.... if you have never done anything wrong feel free to cast the first stone. I am not saying what happened was "right" or "wrong." I'm not asking for comments about my motivation for what I did. What the hell is wrong with you? It seems to me that many of you use this as a forum to judge others and get back at the world for something that someone you loved did to you. I'm not scorned at all, I honestly was just trying to help. I didn't slander you or bash you. It's sad you can't see this. Anyway, I won't be replying to any more of your threads since you are in attack mode and not 'hearing' what's being said, you think everybody is being nasty, but they aren't. Thanks Woinlove. I tried, but obviously this person isn't in a position to take in any helpful advice and try to make her life easier and more peaceful.
carhill Posted February 12, 2012 Posted February 12, 2012 The question was, do spouses want to know? I ask because I would but some of my friends say that they wouldn't. In order to completely reconcile, I'd want to know. If D was the path, irrelevant, to me. We're done. If there was a secret affair and the AP shows up after the break-up, it is what it is. TBH, I often wondered why my exW was so amicable in our D, considering my disclosed EA during the M. Canaries. Would I have wanted to know, in real time? Only if the goal was full and complete reconciliation.
Stellar Wench Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 In order to completely reconcile, I'd want to know. If D was the path, irrelevant, to me. We're done. If there was a secret affair and the AP shows up after the break-up, it is what it is. TBH, I often wondered why my exW was so amicable in our D, considering my disclosed EA during the M. Canaries. Would I have wanted to know, in real time? Only if the goal was full and complete reconciliation. There's hope that venus can feel good about herself for aiding in their reconciliation.
Chi townD Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 (edited) Excuse me? NO ONE likes to be cheated on, NO ONE. That's why it's called cheating. I'm sorry but it does appear from a few things you have written that you have a chip on your shoulder. I'm sure that you are hurting that that is why you are on here but I don't think it's necessary to write things like that. Pot calling the kettle black. I do agree with you that the OMW had every right to know what's going on in her marriage. But, did you print up those e-mails and give them to your Ex-husband as well? I'm guessing that's a "no". Does he know what was going on in HIS marriage to the fullest extent? Look, I know you said that you didn't like your marriage, and you had your reasons for leaving. But, you never mentioned if he knew you were cheating on him. So, chalk it up as lessons learned. Edited February 13, 2012 by Chi townD
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