Pineapple_999 Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 (edited) Hi, First off I would like to thank ditzchic for trying to help me getting a working account as activation didn't work. It does seem to work now for new accounts so thankfully I can post now... So here's the long story, This story begins about 9 months ago, my GF of 9 years asks me to come in the bedroom and tells me she has skin cancer, luckily very treatable but still a new low in my life; we make arrangements, I care for her, go with her to the hospital and try to be the best BF a girl could ever want. (hindsight) 4 months later and we are drifting further and further apart, we both start doing more stuff alone. She goes out with friends, I start pursuing my hobbies more and more. It's as if we are scared and instead of helping each other we grow more and more apart. We stop talking stop going on vacation together, stop going out together. Reminds me of philosoraptor's post, see below (/hindsight) This behavior goes on for a couple of months, finally she goes on vacation with a girlfriend, and when she comes back somethings off. We have the talk. We talk about why our relationship isn't working why we aren't happy etc. etc. In this talk out of the blue she says 'I think its best if we end it....' I'm shocked, tell her I am not prepared to let our relationship end like this and ask her if there is someone else, she denies. I ask again: she denies. A week later a friend comes over for dinner, I sneak upstairs and get into her phone... no messages nothing... But then I remember that a smartphone also has a log.... I scroll through the log and I find 150 messages to a guy... I scroll down further I see even more messages and more and more. My world starts spinning... I ask her to come upstairs, and ask her "are you sure there isn't something you want to tell me??". She folds, tells me shes been seeing a guy and has been kissing him. I tell her to pack some stuff, get out of the house and move out in a month. She leaves, I call some friends, and Hell starts...... The first few weeks are surreal, I'm walking in a world i do not longer recognize... Excruciating pain, cry myself to sleep every night and am not able to enjoy life anymore. I still try and contact her, she comes over every now and again, we still cuddle kiss and I tell her I love her... But in the mean time she also still sees the guy... makes out with him.. tells me she loves me but is not in love with me and that she's very confused... I finally go NC for a month, ask her to please hold off having sex with the other guy just to show me she still respects me. After a month of NC we meet again, she tells me she had sex with the guy a week after my request and that they are dating...... I still try and win her over, tell her I love her, tell her that we shouldn't throw away something that has lasted 9 years and was, up until the hospital, a very beautiful relationship.... She responds that she is extremely confused that she still loves me and misses me a great deal, but she cannot decide to get back together. I ask her to stop seeing the other guy, she gets mad and tells me that the other guy has nothing to do with it.. I ask her over and over 'if you are confused, and are not sure if you want to see me, how the H*ll can you see that other guy' and 'if you continue with him I cannot see you anymore...' she still cannot decide on us.. but she can decide on still seeing him, I tell her I don't want to see her ever again.... And here I am again NC, i've started going to the gym, started online dating, pursued my hobbies.... but still it hurts like hell (following NC and Second chance posts by CaliGuy). The problem I cannot get my head around is, the way she is behaving now is not the girl I've spent 9 years of my life with. Who is this woman? Or is this typical GIGS... ? Furthermore, I've been dating online... I've had a couple of dates, nothing special... but the last date was awesome. Problem is I almost immediately told her I liked her. Started messaging with her and I'm finding it extremely difficult to play cool... And I think i'm screwing it up by doing that... Is it possible i'm not ready for this..? thanks for reading and even more for comments And thanks for these posts: CaliGuy No contact: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t81399/ Second Chance: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t84894/ Homebrew GIGS: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t251986/ Philosiraptor http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t309879/ Edited February 11, 2012 by Pineapple_999
Exit Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 Rough story but you did the right thing. If you had allowed her to keep seeing you on the side while spending time with the other guy, she definitely would have been fine with allowing it too, and that's not right. I've been in that position before, a girl saying she's confused about me and then already getting involved with someone else, and I told her I don't see how that can possibly help her straighten her head out. I guess because when they say they're confused they really mean they think there might be something better out there, so they see screwing around with someone else as helping them to decide. You did the right thing, you may not have her anymore but at least you hung on to your dignity. There's no good answers to your questions. We all feel like "who is this person". It's typical of every breakup. Doesn't matter if you want to call it Gigs or whatever the hell else. Probably not a bad idea to try to slow down with the girl you started seeing. You might be in a hurry to prove to yourself that there is someone else who you will be able to have a serious relationship with and hoping that it will help you forget about the ex. But if you push too hard you might scare this one off. It doesn't necessarily mean you aren't ready, just take it easy. You're strong for making it through this. I've never had a relationship come anywhere close to 9 years but I've practically felt like dying when much much shorter relationships have ended, so to keep going after such a drastic change in your life proves that you can handle it.
Author Pineapple_999 Posted February 21, 2012 Author Posted February 21, 2012 Thanks for the advice Exit About moving on; how can I discern between a 'rebound' relationship and one in which I can commit? If I try and evaluate my feelings for my ex, i've let go of the idea of ever getting back together and I dont want to either, I've also figured out what went wrong and accept it. I haven't however been able to forgive her.... does that mean I'm not ready for a new relationship?
Thatguyintx Posted February 22, 2012 Posted February 22, 2012 I haven't however been able to forgive her.... does that mean I'm not ready for a new relationship? I may be in the minority here, but I definitely like to be at the point of forgiveness with an ex before getting serious with someone else. Remember forgiveness is for you, not them. Letting go of bitterness.
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