venus358 Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 I have been doing nothing but a heck of a lot of reading recently to try to make sense of my situation and normalise what is going through my head. If anything, it makes me feel less alone and is almost laughable at how everyone feels that their situation is unique somehow. People have been doing this for years and years and there is almost a formula to it. You see the best in each other, fall into some kind of disfunctional form of love, the OW or OM want more and then they are left at the curb with their head spinning. If you tell the spouse, they will usually take them back and then after the dust settles they will go out and do it again. This is the formula that I have come up with. Anyway I really found this article interesting and wanted to share it with everyone. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1288748/What-EVERY-woman-needs-know-men-cheat--man-spent-years-talking-hundreds-unfaithful-husbands.html
robf1971 Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 I have been doing nothing but a heck of a lot of reading recently to try to make sense of my situation and normalise what is going through my head. If anything, it makes me feel less alone and is almost laughable at how everyone feels that their situation is unique somehow. People have been doing this for years and years and there is almost a formula to it. You see the best in each other, fall into some kind of disfunctional form of love, the OW or OM want more and then they are left at the curb with their head spinning. If you tell the spouse, they will usually take them back and then after the dust settles they will go out and do it again. This is the formula that I have come up with. Anyway I really found this article interesting and wanted to share it with everyone. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1288748/What-EVERY-woman-needs-know-men-cheat--man-spent-years-talking-hundreds-unfaithful-husbands.html Seems like women do just as much cheating as men, just take a peek through these boards. Anyway the best thing to do with a cheater is put them out and never take them back.
Elizabeth Southerns Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 Anyway I really found this article interesting and wanted to share it with everyone. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1288748/What-EVERY-woman-needs-know-men-cheat--man-spent-years-talking-hundreds-unfaithful-husbands.html Interesting article. It suggests that the women who get cheated on are those who derive their sense of their own value from the "love" or attention of their H, rather than from an innate sense of their own worth. I'm not sure I'd agree with that - though I'm sure it's correct in some cases, I don't think it's correct in all. I'm sure there are many different scenarios, many different types of MM and many different types of BW. I don't think all BW peg their self-esteem on their H fancying them. I think the "snowball" sampling method used in this "study" compromises its claims of representativity, too. It's unsurprising that the same patterns emerged so strongly, with such few exceptions, since these men were all a peer group, friends and friends of friends, who self-selected. It's thus unsurprising that such men - shallow, selfish and egocentric - all went for pretty but brainless types of OW. But to assume, on the basis of this skewed sample, that all MM are serial cheats, that all MM are shallow, untroubled egomaniacs or that all OWs are younger, pretty but brainless specimens would be mistaken. It may be a solid sample of a particular type of MM, or A, but it's not representative of the full spectrum of MMs or As that are out there. 1
NotMolly Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 that all OWs are younger, pretty but brainless specimens would be mistaken.Isnt that the truth! I was shocked at how much older and uglier the OW was!
OpenBook Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 Isnt that the truth! I was shocked at how much older and uglier the OW was! It makes one wonder just how bad things were with the W that would drive a MM into the arms of an older/uglier OW. What an insult. 1
woinlove Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 It makes one wonder just how bad things were with the W that would drive a MM into the arms of an older/uglier OW. What an insult. I hope you feel you are in control of your own life and not just blowing at the whim of others, unable to make free choices. People can make their own choices to cheat and some are really very broken. An older/uglier OW may have been filling some hole in the MM that he was unable or unwilling to deal with himself. I doubt it has much to do with his W.
NotMolly Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 It makes one wonder just how bad things were with the W that would drive a MM into the arms of an older/uglier OW. What an insult. That must be why OW are so bitterly jealous of the BS! The true support OW all know their MM is affairing down.
donnamaybe Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 That must be why OW are so bitterly jealous of the BS! The true support OW all know their MM is affairing down. Makes sense if some other woman is SO much better than the W, wouldn't a MM leave the "horrible" W and be with the OW full time?
SoMovinOn Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 Makes sense if some other woman is SO much better than the W, wouldn't a MM leave the "horrible" W and be with the OW full time? As long as they didn't have kids, finances, real estate, jobs or anything else in their life, yes - an extremely overly simplistic solution as you suggest, would be obvious.
Author venus358 Posted February 11, 2012 Author Posted February 11, 2012 This has gotten a bit catty hasn't it? This is just an article that was interesting reading and not about what the OW/W all look like. Trust women to focus on the looks part. What I got out of it was most men do it because they can. I like the concept's simplicity. It's no different than how children will also push boundaries to see what they can and can't get away with. Maybe some of the cheating men are just acting like children ha ha
MissBee Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 It makes one wonder just how bad things were with the W that would drive a MM into the arms of an older/uglier OW. What an insult. Or how bad things were with their own self perhaps? Do you take other people's behavior to be a reflection of you? It's not a good way of viewing things...making another's action about you and what you lack. When my ex moved on to someone less attractive and less everything that I thought I was, I was like wow whyyyyy? Then I realized, what does that have to do with ME? Nothing....he is choosing this person for his own reason (and he later admitted, ridiculous, rebound reasons). It is his own agenda as to why....it had nothing to do with me. How self-absorbed and also senseless is it of me to attribute that choice to myself lol. Also, most people don't choose others simply because of how old or attractive they are. So someone may be older and uglier or prettier and younger, but they probably chose them for other reasons as well....some reasons may be genuine and some may not be genuine and reflect that person's issues...like my ex who chose women after me whom he felt, thought he was a king, who were less educated, who were more enamored by his money and physical appearance and would accept anything....whether they were ugly or not didn't matter...so long as he got his ego stroked, which is essentially what he wanted out of it. So it's really about what that person wants why they choose who they choose...and sometimes it is not for a good reason...and most times has nothing to do with it being bad or good with another, but their own desires void of this other person.
MissBee Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 This has gotten a bit catty hasn't it? This is just an article that was interesting reading and not about what the OW/W all look like. Trust women to focus on the looks part. What I got out of it was most men do it because they can. I like the concept's simplicity. It's no different than how children will also push boundaries to see what they can and can't get away with. Maybe some of the cheating men are just acting like children ha ha Ditto....which is a more succinct form of my post lol I will never blame myself for someone cheating, neither will I somehow believe I am special, better etc because a married person is soliciting me. Neither of the two have anything to do with me....and instead of attributing it to myself, I will attribute it to them doing it because they can as well as because of other reasons that have existed before they ever knew me and may continue to exist after I'm gone.
donnamaybe Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 As long as they didn't have kids, finances, real estate, jobs or anything else in their life, yes - an extremely overly simplistic solution as you suggest, would be obvious. Ah, here we go again. "Overly simplistic." Yeah, if things are difficult, lie and sneak around. That displays much more strength of character than doing the right thing.
frozensprouts Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 i have read lots of explanations for why men and women cheat... some cheat because they are still at the level of "rebellious teen" who rebels against /mom/dad (wife/husband) by cheating some people are unhappy in themselves, and are like a bottomless pit that can't be filled no matter how much validation their spouse gives them, so they look for it elsewhere (other man/woman) some are unhappy in their marriages, but rather than tealk to their spouses about it, and try and find solutions or end the marriage, they cheat some are mentally ill ( i have heard that a large proportion of people with bi-polar disorder will cheat on their spouses during the manic pahse of their illness) some are in a very vulnerable place, due to circumstances beyond their control, and there are ( and i know this will get lots of flack) predatory men and women out there who seem to seek out people like that...maybe for a boost of self esteem, i don't know and some men/women will cheat for no other reason than because they are a jerk and they can
Toodamnpragmatic Posted February 12, 2012 Posted February 12, 2012 Okay he's dealt with serial cheaters & narcissists, who I always separate as those who will always be prone to cheat..... He gave two examples of the reason I always point to...... A dead bed at home (almost always the wife) and one who put on a lot of weight (and a sad story of a sick child). What I'd like in these fluff pieces (and they are fluff, as there is no substance at all) is some stats..... How many are multiple cheaters who will continue to cheat regardless, how many have wives who've shut down at home, and how many have wives who went into mommy mode or put on significant weight or stopped wanting to be sexy/sexual???? Then we have a story imo...... Yes I am being harsh...... 1
SoMovinOn Posted February 12, 2012 Posted February 12, 2012 Ah, here we go again. "Overly simplistic." Yeah, if things are difficult, lie and sneak around. That displays much more strength of character than doing the right thing. So, people only ever make decisions based on how well it will display their strength of character? Staying M for the kids, financial reasons, medical reasons, or anything else has no bearing on reality?
SoMovinOn Posted February 12, 2012 Posted February 12, 2012 sorry, kids and finances and real estate are excuses for not leaving. excuses. many many people with kids, real estate and finances divorce. And being unhappy is an excuse for divorce. People who have "strength of character" and "Integrity" stay true to their word, keep their vows ... "in good times and in bad ..." means you work it out when you're "unhappy".
donnamaybe Posted February 12, 2012 Posted February 12, 2012 And being unhappy is an excuse for divorce. People who have "strength of character" and "Integrity" stay true to their word, keep their vows ... "in good times and in bad ..." means you work it out when you're "unhappy". It simply means they don't lie and sneak around. Why is that so hard to understand?
donnamaybe Posted February 12, 2012 Posted February 12, 2012 So, people only ever make decisions based on how well it will display their strength of character? Staying M for the kids, financial reasons, medical reasons, or anything else has no bearing on reality? It isn't about a "display." Think again.
SoMovinOn Posted February 12, 2012 Posted February 12, 2012 It simply means they don't lie and sneak around. Why is that so hard to understand? Did you not understand the concept I was presenting - not getting divorced simply because you're unhappy?
SoMovinOn Posted February 12, 2012 Posted February 12, 2012 It isn't about a "display." Think again. It's ok if you don't understand.
donnamaybe Posted February 12, 2012 Posted February 12, 2012 It's ok if you don't understand. Funny you say that since the vast majority posting agrees with me and not you. Perhaps you are mistaken as to who lacks understanding.
Elizabeth Southerns Posted February 12, 2012 Posted February 12, 2012 Makes sense if some other woman is SO much better than the W, wouldn't a MM leave the "horrible" W and be with the OW full time? Some do :love: :love: :love: :love:
Elizabeth Southerns Posted February 12, 2012 Posted February 12, 2012 Funny you say that since the vast majority posting agrees with me and not you. Perhaps you are mistaken as to who lacks understanding. Looking at this thread - since that's what the TOS say we should restrict ourselves to - I make it 3 each. Not exactly a "vast majority", unless you subscribe to the George Bush school of electoral victories where it's possible to garner fewer votes but still "win"
donnamaybe Posted February 12, 2012 Posted February 12, 2012 Some do :love: :love: :love: :love: And of the few that do leave of their own accord (and not just because the BS kicked the WS to the curb), they did the right thing. Most prefer the "cake and eat it too" method.
Recommended Posts