Boyfriend won't accept my love & support during his rough patch. What else can i do?

[selflessgiver]

Long-ish post, my apologies.

 

Boyfriend and I have been dating for less than 5 months now (we're both 25). He just got back from being out of the country for over a month during which time we didn’t see each other and only talked through the interwebs intermittently. This was agreed upon and normal/acceptable for the structure of our relationship. Also, we were in good shape before he left.

 

But while he was gone he went through some really rough stuff with his family. He is extremely emotionally exhausted right now (has a history of depression). So much that, upon his arrival back in the country he can no longer bring himself to reciprocate his side of the relationship. (And just a note, take my word for it that I know for a fact that there is "nobody else" he is seeing.)

 

I’m the type of person who gives unconditional love and support to those I care about. I get the most pleasure out of seeing those I love happy. And when they are going through a tough time, I love being the person who can be there for them, even if it costs me or I neglect my own feelings in the process.

 

He, on the other hand, is the type to push people away when he is depressed. He confirmed that his feelings have not changed for me (he’s still in love with me), but that he doesn’t think it’s fair to me to stay together. He doesn’t want to burden me with his emotional baggage right now and feels uncomfortable with the fact that he is too self-absorbed and miserable to act like a boyfriend to me. So rather than him accepting my unconditional love and support, we almost broke up the other night.

 

Normally I would just go along with the breakup, seeing that it was what he wanted and I would give that to him out of consideration of his own needs/wants. But I couldn’t help but feel like he was making a terrible mistake. He has told me in the past that he has never been “taken care of” before (not by family, past girlfriends, or anyone). It seems to me that he is used to people in his life always expecting things from him—that anybody who cared for him was masking the fact that that care was contingent on him doing something for them in return. In other words, he has never experienced unconditional love before. So, I did a radical thing (for me). I told him that I wasn’t going to accept being pushed away on his assumption that it isn’t fair to me. That I am more than willing to be supportive during this time in his life to be there for him—that it actually makes me happy to be there for him, even if he cannot reciprocate his end of the relationship "bargain" right now. I thought that maybe he just needed to know that (for once in his life) someone will be there for him and will not demand anything in return.

 

I went to him in person with a box of pastries to tell him all this (this was the first time we saw each other since before his trip). I didn’t expect him to jump up and say “You’re right!” or “Baby I love you come here!” and give me a big hug (none of which he did). What I realized was that I did this because I wanted to be sure that I did everything I possibly could on my end to get through to him and make my support clearly available. Essentially, I was selfishly refusing a break up even though it is uncomfortable for him knowing that he cannot reciprocate right now, but I was also selflessly trying to give him as much opportunity as possible to get over his insecurities and consider me for support.

 

It’s been several days now since I was there telling him all this. We have not been in contact since. I plan to give him a LOT of time (months if need be) and so I am resisting the temptation to initiate any contact. I did my part—he knows how I feel. My hope is that he reaches out when he needs it, and not on my own terms. But I am still concerned that maybe there is or was more that I could do? That maybe he needs me to initiate that contact because otherwise he will feel like he will be burdening me still? Should I just continue to make myself completely disappear from his list of worries for as long as I can until he decides to reach out to me?

 

And finally - Something has got to give with this once he's over this bout of depression, right? This can't possibly be the makings of a very good relationship if whenever one person hits a rough patch they want to cut off contact and refuse the love and support of the other...right? How can that possibly be healthy??

Edited February 11, 2012 by selflessgiver

[whichwayisup]

All you can do is respect his decision and allow him that time and space that he needs. Tell him the relationship is "on hold" and that you don't plan on giving up on him.

 

His depression has taken over and he has nothing to give right now.

 

let him know that you DO plan on dropping off food for him, doing his laundry or just being there at times. Unless he gets angry and tells you to GET OUT, continue to make the effort to make his life easier during his rough time.

[Stellar Wench]

You really don't know him that well, since the relationship is only 5 months old, and he was gone a month of that. You really shouldn't be giving unconditional love to a man you really don't know that well.

 

I’m the type of person who gives unconditional love and support to those I care about. I get the most pleasure out of seeing those I love happy. And when they are going through a tough time, I love being the person who can be there for them, even if it costs me or I neglect my own feelings in the process.

 

Why do you feel that you need to rescue people? Why do you feel that you need to neglect your own feelings in the process? This speaks to insecurity on your part, this needing to be needed.

 

He may be going through a rough patch and having depression, but you have some pretty deep issues of your own.

 

What I realized was that I did this because I wanted to be sure that I did everything I possibly could on my end to get through to him and make my support clearly available.

I disagree. I think you went there specifically hoping he'd not break up with you, that he'd run to your arms with, "Baby I love you come here." When you didn't get that reaction, you rationalized it to being selfless. It wasn't. It was self protective, because you didn't want to lose another boyfriend.

That maybe he needs me to initiate that contact because otherwise he will feel like he will be burdening me still?

Gracious, child. Have some dignity. He knows he wouldn't be burdening you, you made your availability abundantly clear. In your quest to be supportive, you've come off as clingy and insecure.

Should I just continue to make myself completely disappear from his list of worries for as long as I can until he decides to reach out to me?

Yes.

let him know that you DO plan on dropping off food for him, doing his laundry or just being there at times.

Completely disagree. He's a grown man, not a child! He doesn't need a mother. He knows you are more than willing to fall all over yourself to be there for him. If he wants to speak to you (or needs a maid to do his laundry), he'll call you. Edited February 12, 2012 by Stellar Wench
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[selflessgiver]

You really don't know him that well, since the relationship is only 5 months old, and he was gone a month of that. You really shouldn't be giving unconditional love to a man you really don't know that well.

I agree. Which is why this is a one shot deal for me. My unconditional love is conditional only on the idea that he gets over this down the road. If/when he pulls out of this depression, I am basically telling him that he can't do this to me again. I won't put up with it. I have way more self dignity than to deal with it again and again.

 

One thing I will say, though, is that I all too often see relationships fade away--where there was real love--simply because people weren't willing to stick by each other during rough patches. It's why I think there are so many divorces--sometimes people just need to stop being so damn selfish and realize a relationship is a partnership. And sometimes that means you don't always get your way all the time. It shouldn't always be one-sided like that. Sometimes it is one-sided for a period of time, but after this time both partners can agree to strive for balance in similar situations in the future. But it is so silly that we often live in this fantasy world, that relationships are supposed to be happy fairy rainbow land and then when we get there and there are normal problems we think "Well, there must be something awfully wrong with me or her/him" or "We're just not compatible, so screw it!" Nobody fights for true love anymore.

 

I think our relationship is young and that we are still learning how to be around each other. I am learning how to relate to him when he is going through a difficult time and he is learning how to relate to me who is strong enough to support him. It's the first time we are faced with this problem. Which can either be a red flag or it could just mean we need to figure it out and get through it. My strategy is: I'm taking the red flag and putting it in my back pocket. I'm not giving up on a relationship that is otherwise perfect at the first sign of trouble. The red flag is still there though to keep everything in check.

 

Why do you feel that you need to rescue people? Why do you feel that you need to neglect your own feelings in the process? This speaks to insecurity on your part, this needing to be needed.

He may be going through a rough patch and having depression, but you have some pretty deep issues of your own.

This is definitely something I have been working on my whole life. Thankfully I have very high self esteem and self confidence, so there is definitely a point at which I stop caring about the other person and my own needs start to supersede theirs.

 

I disagree. I think you went there specifically hoping he'd not break up with you, that he'd run to your arms with, "Baby I love you come here." When you didn't get that reaction, you rationalized it to being selfless. It wasn't. It was self protective, because you didn't want to lose another boyfriend.

There was two reasons for what I did:

(1) The week before he had told me that he wanted to hang out (it was right after he got back), but I had told him I couldn't yet. Then he took a short weekend trip somewhere seemingly out of spite for me not being able to see him right when he got back from his other trip. I was afraid I had screwed things up and made him doubt my feelings for him. So I made my support clearly available to him just in case he was feeling insecure about it. Clear communication to remove any shadow of a doubt (especially in his eyes since he even said he was confused about things).

(2) I admitted that it was a selfish thing to do. Which goes completely against my nature (normally I wouldn't push myself on someone who was pushing me away). But he told me that he wanted me to be happy. And he thought that he could decide on my happiness FOR me. He believed that burdening me with his problems wasn't going to make me happy. But he was wrong about this! This is how relationships go--reciprocally couples share their life problems and they act as support systems for each other. It's silly to break up when the feelings are still there just because one person is ashamed of their current problems and ASSUMES he is making his partner unhappy. So instead of doing the selfless thing and pretending he was "right," I did the selfish thing and said "No way, I'm not giving up on you that easily." So yes, I admit selfishness here. But, in turn, it is selfless in a way because its also saying "I will put up with your **** because I care about YOU even if you think it is burdening me."

 

Gracious, child. Have some dignity. He knows he wouldn't be burdening you, you made your availability abundantly clear. In your quest to be supportive, you've come off as clingy and insecure.

Actually he didn't know. He was very clearly confused when we talked. He just can't seem to recognize that his problems are not a burden to me - the only thing that is a burden to me is the way he pushes me away BECAUSE he thinks that his problems are a burden to me.

 

The last thing I come off as is clingy and insecure with him. If anything, he has always been worried about seeming clingy and insecure to me. I am the independent one in the relationship - he is often the one who has to suppress his desire to hang out with me all the time. I am a graduate student with a very busy academic schedule and am often times too exhausted or have too many deadlines to see him. He was away for a month and I honestly enjoyed the time apart because I was able to get so much done without feeling guilty about not seeing him. He initiated contact from overseas every time. Not me. Which was also because he had requested to have that space (he likes to travel with no strings attached and I'm totally cool with that).

 

Should I just continue to make myself completely disappear from his list of worries for as long as I can until he decides to reach out to me?

Yes.

I agree. This is why I posted this online. I wanted to confirm--with outside perspectives--what I already know was the right decision.

 

Originally Posted by whichwayisup let him know that you DO plan on dropping off food for him, doing his laundry or just being there at times.

Completely disagree. He's a grown man, not a child! He doesn't need a mother. He knows you are more than willing to fall all over yourself to be there for him. If he wants to speak to you (or needs a maid to do his laundry), he'll call you.

Hahaha, I know. I would never do this for him. I'd kill myself before I subjected myself to something like this. It's his call now. If he wants or needs me there, I'm there. If not, then I'm like a distant tree. And when he starts feeling better and reaches out and things are more balanced, we talk about things and see if we can work it out. If not, then I'm done. Edited February 12, 2012 by selflessgiver
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[Stellar Wench]

This is definitely something I have been working on my whole life. Thankfully I have very high self esteem and self confidence, so there is definitely a point at which I stop caring about the other person and my own needs start to supersede theirs.

You do realize that people who say they have high self esteem usually don't?