momo81 Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 Back in Nov I met a guy while i was on a hens night. I was out with my gfriends, so wasn't looking for anything, however i scribbled my number and gave it to him. He contacted the next day and since then we have continued on the path of knowing each other. We went on dates once a week etc etc we developed a friendship. We expressed how we would like to continue this and we became intimate a month after meeting. He was looking at work and applied for several jobs around the country, including the one we were residing in. We communicated that if he was looking at moving, we would keep things as friends. We continued with whatever we were, feelings were growing stronger and we viewed it as a summer romance. He found he was accepted in a job an hours flight away. Each day we were in contact, and it was him initiating the majority of it. Im six years older than him so told him that i wasn't looking for anything frivilous but was enjoying the ride for the moment. He felt the same. As it turns out, i am getting a transfer to the city he is now residing in. Telling him this, he said that when i move there, he would like to see if we develop into an exclusive couple. I have just finished visiting this new city to look at my new place of employment and i stayed with him for the two nights i was there. It was as it was when were in the same city, same level of friendship, easy to be with etc etc. We are not in an exclusive relationship, however, i got wind that he had slept with his room mates friend. I asked him and he denied it and i said we are both open to see who we want, but i'd like to know for sexual health reasons. He denied it. Part of the conversation his friend and him had was that he mentioned this girl, his friend said "i thought you had a gf?" he said "no not yet, but funny thing is I came close to having both shags under the same roof tonight as my cougar friend (ME!!!) is in town" the friend laughed about it and asked my male friend to fill him in later. This shocked me as although my male friend is caring, kind and the things i like in a guy, i couldn't imagine him talking about me like that. So i put aside the fact that he was denying that he had slept with the other girl and focused on us. I am in no way in a rush to be in a relationship, i am single and have been for three years. However, my male friend said that he felt rushed and that i had backed him into a corner and he had no choice but to say that he didn't want to pursue a relationship with me. I was upset, but respected his decision and apologised for making him feel like that. I packed my bags and was arranging alternative accommodation when he decided he wanted to talk more. He was crying and explained how he was scared because of his last relationship, he didn't want to rush or be rushed and he was scared he didn't have anything to offer me. I reassured him that i wasn't trying to rush him, but this conversation was bound to come up sooner or later, and as adults its good to have it. He was still crying when he said he didn't want to hurt me, that his parents love me and that he knows i'm a sure catch but he didn't have time to fit in a gfriend. I said that i understood, that i was not here to add pressure or make his life difficult and that i was not going to convince him to try a relationship when i moved to the new city. I explained to him that i was scared too and if i was so in a rush to be in a relationship, wouldn't i have been in a series of them since i became single three years ago? I was upset that he was upset. He was stressing out that i was going to cut him out of my life etc etc. I thought that maybe it was a 25y/o thing, that he still wanted to go out and play the field, sow his wild oats etc etc. In the morning, as i was getting ready to go to the airport i apologised for upsetting him and just wanted the best for him. He turned around and said, i change my mind, i do want to see where things go with us when you move here, but please understand i don't want to rush things. I was flabbergasted... this was the page that we agreed on earlier. The conversation from the night before just went around in circles and then this comes out of his mouth. He added " please don't take this the wrong way, but i think we shouldn't contact each other for the rest of the weekend, i'll contact you, is that okay" i said, 'do what you have to do, i don't want to pressure or upset or rush you, i respect your decision". I'm a wreck, a mess and i just want to hear from him. I don't know what i am to him, i'm scared i'm being played a fool. He is close to him mother and said he'll ring her today and tell her what happened. His mother and I get along and meet up regularly. She has asked me around for lunch tomorrow. I know she'll talk about it. I know it was not right of me to ask if he had slept with another girl, and i'm kicking myself for asking....... and now i've wrecked it. Maybe, he's just not that into me? I know that i shouldn't have bought up "the talk" so soon. What do you do when a man says he wants space? What do you do, when a man changes his mind from not wanting anything, back to the initial plan of lets see where it takes us?
Cypress25 Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 What do you do when a man says he wants space? What do you do, when a man changes his mind from not wanting anything, back to the initial plan of lets see where it takes us? A better question is, why do women pretend they don't want a relationship when they really do? The whole time you've been sleeping with this guy, you've been telling him (and yourself) that you're in no rush to be in a relationship, you're fine with a casual fling, and you don't mind if it never progresses beyond that. Clearly, you've been lying to him (and to yourself). It sounds like you would be delighted if this progressed to an exclusive relationship, so why not tell him how you feel? That might clear up some of the confusion. You're a grown woman, there's no use pretending you don't have feelings for this man. It's like neither one of you wants to admit that you like each other. You're both too old to be playing these games.
Author momo81 Posted February 11, 2012 Author Posted February 11, 2012 You're right, thank you cypress
D-Lish Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 In my experience, the "relationship talk" can ruin things. It's always better when the guy brings up that talk. I always wait for them to do it. I wait even though it pains me to do so sometimes. It bothers me that he called you a "cougar"... That's disrespectful and a bit of a red flag. If I really liked someone, I wouldn't sleep with someone else- it seems as if you turned down a shag and he didn't. What does that say to you? Not that things can't work out, but how serious is he if he's referring to you as a "cougar" ... That's degrading.
Author momo81 Posted February 11, 2012 Author Posted February 11, 2012 D-Lish: my mother said the same thing about the cougar statement, even if he was trying to be cool with his mates, it was still disrespectful. I don't call him a kid or anything. Being called a cougar, made me feel like i was just an experience and tale to tell his mates. And you're right about the relationship talk, i'm kicking myself for that... and the question to dwell on for only five more minutes for me is. what you said, how serious is he about me..... As cypress said, we're both too old to be playing games.
Oxy Moronovich Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 In my experience, the "relationship talk" can ruin things. It's always better when the guy brings up that talk. I always wait for them to do it. I wait even though it pains me to do so sometimes. It bothers me that he called you a "cougar"... That's disrespectful and a bit of a red flag. If I really liked someone, I wouldn't sleep with someone else- it seems as if you turned down a shag and he didn't. What does that say to you? Not that things can't work out, but how serious is he if he's referring to you as a "cougar" ... That's degrading. LOL. Women complain about every name they are given. I've even had women complain about being called "ma'am" and "lady". And wasn't there a feminist group that wanted to change the name women to womyn because it was degrading to refer to a woman as something that came from man? Cougar isn't a disrespectful term. The problem is some women are overreacting to it. Many women like to be called cougars. Besides, the male equivalent is called a sleazeball or pervert. It's not as if men don't have names with negative connotations. A guy who is considered a terrible father to his kids is called a "deadbeat dad". A woman who is considered a terrible mother to her kids is called a "bad mother". There are as many double standards for men as there are women.
daphne Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 I think you did the right thing by backing off and letting him have his space. As my gf once said, if he wants space give him hyperspace. It's funny how the 2-3 month place is where things can progress or go sour. I know it's not easy, but stay busy and apply zero pressure. And think about whether this guy is what you want. Someone who calls you a cougar isn't crazy about you. And I don't know how you can be a cougar at 30. He's afraid to lose the fun and easy friendship you have now, but don't mistake that for deeper feelings for you. I don't get the impression from your post that he has them yet. Take some time to figure out if this is what you want. I suggest you date others in the meantime to distance yourself and see what else is out there. Maybe someone who won't call you a cougar and actually wants a relationship with you.
Chocolat Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 Cougar isn't a disrespectful term. The problem is some women are overreacting to it. Many women like to be called cougars. Besides, the male equivalent is called a sleazeball or pervert. Wait... the male equivalent of a "cougar" is a "sleazeball" but "cougar" should not be considered disrespectful? OP, it sounds as though your friend isn't sure what he wants. Between the cougar comment and the one about his "shags," I'd probably give this one a pass. He has some growing up to do.
PlumPrincess Posted February 12, 2012 Posted February 12, 2012 In my experience, the "relationship talk" can ruin things. It's always better when the guy brings up that talk. I always wait for them to do it. I wait even though it pains me to do so sometimes. It bothers me that he called you a "cougar"... That's disrespectful and a bit of a red flag. If I really liked someone, I wouldn't sleep with someone else- it seems as if you turned down a shag and he didn't. What does that say to you? Not that things can't work out, but how serious is he if he's referring to you as a "cougar" ... That's degrading. I'd be really offended and I wouldn't have let it slide. On the other hand, I'm constantly single...
FitChick Posted February 12, 2012 Posted February 12, 2012 I don't find the term cougar insulting. To me it means sexy, attractive older woman who hasn't become a tired frump. The male equivalent is wolf and some men would take that as a compliment while others an insult. Intention is key.
PlumPrincess Posted February 12, 2012 Posted February 12, 2012 I don't find the term cougar insulting. To me it means sexy, attractive older woman who hasn't become a tired frump. The male equivalent is wolf and some men would take that as a compliment while others an insult. Intention is key. I'm not sure, if you're looking for a romantic relationship with a guy and he uses this term, then cougar sounds offensive. I think, because the term cougar has all these sexual associations. It's more about fun and sex rather than love and romance.
Oxy Moronovich Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 I'm not sure, if you're looking for a romantic relationship with a guy and he uses this term, then cougar sounds offensive. I think, because the term cougar has all these sexual associations. It's more about fun and sex rather than love and romance. Yes, and many relationships start out more about fun and sex then turn into love and romance. Lighten up on the term. I'm 27. Most dudes my age use the term on attractive mature women. It is rarely used on unattractive mature women. Few would use the term on Janet Reno or Roseanne Barr because neither are attractive and exciting.
PlumPrincess Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 Yes, and many relationships start out more about fun and sex then turn into love and romance. Lighten up on the term. I'm 27. Most dudes my age use the term on attractive mature women. It is rarely used on unattractive mature women. Few would use the term on Janet Reno or Roseanne Barr because neither are attractive and exciting. She's 31. Kind of nice to know that when a woman reaches that age guys will start to think of you as a mature woman... Are cougars women that you would consider for a serious long-term relationship? By the way, I didn't realize you were just 27. I thought you sounded like another bitter guy in his end thirties.
TheFinalWord Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 In my experience, the "relationship talk" can ruin things. It's always better when the guy brings up that talk. I always wait for them to do it. I wait even though it pains me to do so sometimes. LOL I've always heard it's better to let the woman bring up the relationship part. No wonder so many live lives of quiet desperation As far as cougar, it depends. MILF that's another story. I don't really have any advice. The only thing I'll add is that overall more people need to wait to have sex until they're in a relationship. Before a commitment it makes everything more complicated. If people would wait for that to happen 90% of the posts on here would be solved.
Oxy Moronovich Posted February 13, 2012 Posted February 13, 2012 She's 31. Kind of nice to know that when a woman reaches that age guys will start to think of you as a mature woman... Are cougars women that you would consider for a serious long-term relationship? By the way, I didn't realize you were just 27. I thought you sounded like another bitter guy in his end thirties. It's not just guys. A woman over 30 is considered "an older woman". And yes, I would seriously get into a LTR with a cougar; and no, I'm not just saying that to further my point.
Arkaeology Posted February 28, 2012 Posted February 28, 2012 Just to chime in my .02. When I'm really interested in a woman, I tell them upfront what I feel for them and what I wanted out of everything. I will blatantly show it through my effort, actions, and show of affection. If I'm looking for a relationship towards the future, I'll them that too. They don't have to say anything and I'm just stating the fact. That way, they know what I'm all about. There's also no "mixed signals" which is a topic that's prevalent on the boards. I'm a big proponent of communication even if it causes an uncomfortable situation. Just make it a statement and not a question.
Star Gazer Posted February 28, 2012 Posted February 28, 2012 Cougar isn't a disrespectful term. The problem is some women are overreacting to it. Many women like to be called cougars. Besides, the male equivalent is called a sleazeball or pervert. Huh? I can assure you that women do NOT like being called the equivalent of sleazeball or pervert!
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