als0828 Posted February 10, 2012 Posted February 10, 2012 (edited) Hello everyone! Help me out with this: I am an attractive 31 year old graduate student in my first semester of grad school. I've never been married, and I recently moved to a new town to work on my MA. I have friends here, but I don't date much, because most of the time I feel like I am at a job interview and it makes me uncomfortable. Almost all of my relationships have been with men that were already friends. So far this semester, I have developed a "crush" on my professor. Unfortunately, this isn't a one-semester deal as he will be my professor for other classes in the future as well as possibly being my thesis adviser when the time comes. I might even end up beng his teaching assistant at some point. We've had some wonderful talks and even shared a bit of personal information (nothing inappropriate). We are the same age and obviously we have much in common. Besides having immense respect for him, feeling comfortable around him (not easy for me), and really enjoying spending time with him, I find him very attractive, although he is not exactly what most other girls would consider sexy. I find myself going to his office hours frequently, even to ask questions for which I already know the answers, or to discuss things that could certainly wait until later. I understand that student-teacher relationships are frowned upon and may even be "illegal" at some universities. I have browsed the policies at my university and any mention of the subject is quite vague as far as an official position. My understanding is that these policies are in place to protect both students and professors from being exploited, taken advantage of, or put in an awkward position. I also understand that the stigma attached to this is mostly directed to young girls who crush on older professors. I have seen younger female students become attracted to professors for a range of reasons: the power differential excites them; they have daddy issues; the professor is passionate and inspiring and they mistake their new found drive as attraction, etc. I really don't feel that any of these apply to me. I'm not a young impressionable student, nor do I need to hit on my professor to ensure a good grade. At my age and at my level of academic achievement, I really do not feel as if a relationship of this sort would be something I could not handle in a professional way. I also feel that the way some universities handle this situation is grossly patriarchal and based on the assumption that the women in these relationships are "victims" and incapable of making decisions about their bodies and with whom they should share them. But of course, I would never put a young tenure-track professor in a position where he could lose his job or be reprimanded in any way, nor would I want to jeapordize my own standing in the department. However, I am at a place in my life where I am ready to find my life partner, and I have been waiting for someone like this man to come along for quite some time. I have been wrong about these things before, but there is a possibility that he could be the one, but I will never know unless I'm given the chance to find out. I don't want to regret not going for it. My question is this: Is there a way to let him know that I am interested that does not seem unprofessional? Should I really keep this bottled up for the next year and a half until final grades are in? (I don't know if I can do that...) Is there a way to develop this type of relationship and have it not interfere with our professional lives? Edited February 10, 2012 by als0828
GorillaTheater Posted February 10, 2012 Posted February 10, 2012 I've seen similar questions posted, and my advice is always the same: even though university policies may not specifically address this situation, I can just about guarantee that it would be seriously frowned on. Given the possibility of a quid pro quo sexual harrassment complaint arising, his professional judgment is going to come into question which will effect the tenure decision when he's up for it. Under the circumstances, the relationship would be unprofessional for either of you. Don't go there.
TheFinalWord Posted February 10, 2012 Posted February 10, 2012 My question is this: Is there a way to let him know that I am interested that does not seem unprofessional? Should I really keep this bottled up for the next year and a half until final grades are in? (I don't know if I can do that...) Is there a way to develop this type of relationship and have it not interfere with our professional lives? I would let him make all the moves. Chances are many females are attracted to him. Most good profs have charisma and passion so you could be mistaking these for him being interested in you. Also remember most of these guys were nerds in high school and now find themselves in place where a lot of attractive, young girls admire them. A lot of young profs do not know how to handle this sudden swing in female attention. Have you ever had a job prior to school? Academia is no different in that it can be messy and unpleasant if things don't go well. However, politics in academia can be quite fierce. Although he is junior faculty you would not want him against you if there was a bad break-up. If you do end up in a relationship I would not advise he sit on your thesis committee or that you TA for him. It would be unethical in most cases.
denise_xo Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 (edited) I work in academia and whenever these threads pop up I usually say stay away. But if you're not planning to do that, - find out what the uni policy is on this - like TFW said, do not make any moves unless he does so first, and bear in mind what you yourself said: Getting involved could essentially jeopardise his career. - if you do enter into a relationship, be prepared to rearrange your academic life. You should not be his TA, he should not be your thesis advisor, and he should not be setting grades on any of your work. There are many people at my faculty who did meet through work, and as a consequence there are now several roles they can't have with each other professionally - that's just a consequence of their choices. It's not about whether anyone thinks they can 'handle it professionally' or not, it's a matter of ethical and institutional/professional norms and procedures that apply to everyone in an institution - the generally agreed, professional rules of the game. More generally (and without wanting to sound patronising in any way), I think everyone usually thinks they can handle it until **** hits the fan. This is not aimed at you personally, just make sure you think twice/think things through before making your choices. Edited February 11, 2012 by denise_xo
make me believe Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 No, there is not a way you can bring this up to him without being unprofessional. I think you need to keep your romantic life separate from your school life. I would let him make all the moves. Chances are many females are attracted to him. Most good profs have charisma and passion so you could be mistaking these for him being interested in you. Also remember most of these guys were nerds in high school and now find themselves in place where a lot of attractive, young girls admire them. A lot of young profs do not know how to handle this sudden swing in female attention. Totally agree. OP, it's almost guaranteed you're not the only girl who is making up excuses to go to his office hours because he's having personal conversations with her and making her feel so "comfortable" around him. IMO if he's doing stuff like that, he's already crossing the line, especially since you aren't only going to be in his class for the semester. I would be careful if I were you.
Mrlonelyone Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 Please do yourself a favor and do not date him. As I have said to others in these situations students and teachers should not socialize. Furthermore you are subordinate to him as he is your thesis advisor. Even if no policy explicitly mentions dating, violating good professional ethics can have official and unofficial repercussions for you and him. 1.) It will look unprofessional. 2.) It will make his evaluation of your work look and be suspect. 3.) It can result in professional ostracism by the rest of the faculty and graduate students. 4.) If it dose not work out, as most dating relationships don't work out, how will you deal with having an advisor who is your EX BF. How will he deal with it? Do you want to have to start your research over again? It's not worth it. There are too many other men around with which a relationship would be simpler.
Author als0828 Posted February 11, 2012 Author Posted February 11, 2012 You're all right. I should walk away from this. My attraction to him might be distracting, but I shouldn't do anything about it. If it's still there after I graduate and all the recommendation letters have been sent, then perhaps I might make a move. But until then, I don't need to waste the time and hard work it took to get me here by throwing it away on a crush. I don't want to do anything to make him uncomfortable and I would hate it if I were denied his mentorship because I told him how I feel. *sigh* The thing is, and I'm sure many of you are well aware of this, the older you get, the harder it is to date. For me, anyway. Finding a man my age who isn't married, is intellectual, has things in common with me, and appreciates my academic drive is really hard to come by. While my attraction to this professor is genuine, I think it was fueled by loneliness more than a desire to pursue a realistic relationship with someone. I have a hard time dating for several reasons, some of which I mentioned in my original post. I'm not insane, frigid, or overly selective, but I do have standards. In the long run, I've come to believe that men find me generally unlikeable. So when a man like this professor shows be the slightest bit of attention, I run with it. But I'm not going to let it cost me my career. I might be lonely, but my education is really the only thing I've got right now. Thanks all for your opinions.
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