cincinnatikid Posted February 10, 2012 Posted February 10, 2012 (edited) :confused:Hi everyone. I've been a frequent follower of many, many posts. I thank you for all of them. As a recovering alcoholic, it never ceases to amaze me just how much strength, sorrow, insight, etc. can be gleaned from the power of a group. I wanted to share my thoughts now with you in hopes of receiving yours since they have been so helpful for me. Getting down to brass tax, I lost what I thought to be the love of my life 6 months ago. It has been trying to say the least. We were together off and on for over a year and a half. We shared some wonderful moments and, conversely, rather awful ones as well. It has taken me some time to look at things objectively to see that, while the pieces did fit together, I watched them fall away from my inability to grow. Noticed I mentioned I'm a recovering alcoholic. When I got sober, things did seem to get better and my now ex was accepting enough for me to let me return to her. But, I failed. Not her, but myself. I know now that if I could have continued to work my steps instead of simply going it alone, things would have been better off. While I still remain free of the drink, I have realized that those changes, regardless of her in my life, will only come from me. In part of that process, I felt I needed to make amends (as part of the steps) to her. A couple days ago, I wrote a hand written letter to her explaining the lot of it. She sent me an e-mail in response (I will post below). I simply wondering what the community's thoughts are on her tone, what good I can take from this, etc.? I really appreciate any and all thoughts. You all give me so much strength. Thank you. (name removed), I received your letter and I am glad that you are doing so much better. As far as you claiming that you will not have closure until we meet face to face and talk this implies that you are still not over it. I gave you closure we had many many discussions and beat many things to death but our relationship is over and that is that. This is the closure I can give you, if you are truly a new person and over it than there is no need for you to explain anything to me. You have not harmed me in any way and I have no ill feelings toward you so there is nothing to explain. I am very happy and in a good place and I do not want to revisit anything at this time. I think the best thing you can do for yourself is move on and if you have changed this is what you will do and please stop contacting me. I have not ignored you to be cruel it is because I suspect that we will simply go through the same conversations we have had many other times and I do not wish to have it. The fact that you have continued to contact me after I have not responded in the past 6 months is very strange and I don't know why you continue to do so or do not realize this. I am responding now to hopefully give you closure and make my final point, please let things be. I truly wish you all the best, (name removed) Edited February 10, 2012 by cincinnatikid
esteem-jam Posted February 10, 2012 Posted February 10, 2012 From what I understand, you broke her trust many, many times. No talking will solve this. Actions speak louder than words, therefore, words will not do here. Nothing you *say* will solve anything- you can say youre sorry, that you love her, that you hate her, that youll harm her, that youll cherish her, that you will stay sober or not. No, words wont do here. You have to go your own way, a better way than you were before. If by chance, the chance is very very slim, she notices you some years down the line, and will conclude from everything around you that you are on a good track, maybe, another very small chance, maybe she will talk to you. Prepare for a long journey man, this is only a beginning.
GorillaTheater Posted February 10, 2012 Posted February 10, 2012 She's asked you to stop contacting her. Honor that.
MarMarMar Posted February 10, 2012 Posted February 10, 2012 :confused:Hi everyone. I've been a frequent follower of many, many posts. I thank you for all of them. As a recovering alcoholic, it never ceases to amaze me just how much strength, sorrow, insight, etc. can be gleaned from the power of a group. I wanted to share my thoughts now with you in hopes of receiving yours since they have been so helpful for me. Getting down to brass tax, I lost what I thought to be the love of my life 6 months ago. It has been trying to say the least. We were together off and on for over a year and a half. We shared some wonderful moments and, conversely, rather awful ones as well. It has taken me some time to look at things objectively to see that, while the pieces did fit together, I watched them fall away from my inability to grow. Noticed I mentioned I'm a recovering alcoholic. When I got sober, things did seem to get better and my now ex was accepting enough for me to let me return to her. But, I failed. Not her, but myself. I know now that if I could have continued to work my steps instead of simply going it alone, things would have been better off. While I still remain free of the drink, I have realized that those changes, regardless of her in my life, will only come from me. In part of that process, I felt I needed to make amends (as part of the steps) to her. A couple days ago, I wrote a hand written letter to her explaining the lot of it. She sent me an e-mail in response (I will post below). I simply wondering what the community's thoughts are on her tone, what good I can take from this, etc.? I really appreciate any and all thoughts. You all give me so much strength. Thank you. (name removed), I received your letter and I am glad that you are doing so much better. As far as you claiming that you will not have closure until we meet face to face and talk this implies that you are still not over it. I gave you closure we had many many discussions and beat many things to death but our relationship is over and that is that. This is the closure I can give you, if you are truly a new person and over it than there is no need for you to explain anything to me. You have not harmed me in any way and I have no ill feelings toward you so there is nothing to explain. I am very happy and in a good place and I do not want to revisit anything at this time. I think the best thing you can do for yourself is move on and if you have changed this is what you will do and please stop contacting me. I have not ignored you to be cruel it is because I suspect that we will simply go through the same conversations we have had many other times and I do not wish to have it. The fact that you have continued to contact me after I have not responded in the past 6 months is very strange and I don't know why you continue to do so or do not realize this. I am responding now to hopefully give you closure and make my final point, please let things be. I truly wish you all the best, (name removed) Sorry this'll be a bit chatty since it's sort of a stream of thoughts I can see a lot of my ex in you though you are far more self aware than he is. He has/had drug and alcohol issues and on the surface our relationships sound similar so I'll just throw in my two cents. Being with someone with an addiction problem is hard and as I'm sure you know the battle is never truly over. It seems to me that your ex reached her limit on the relationship and you and just doesn't want to deal with it anymore. Not necessarily for ever but for the close future at least. You got your words out and she's heard your since she at least responded so they'll sink in. For now this is the best you can do. Just from being on the other side of something similar, my ex has tried to start making amends right now but I'm at a point right now where that entire section of me is overloaded so to say and I just don't want to deal with it and just want to be left alone. It doesn't mean she hates you or anything(which is what my ex thinks) but I've had more than enough and like someone else said my trust was broken too many times. So I really don't see any pros of any kind of contact with him and all cons at this point. Again doesn't mean she dislikes you or anything because I love my ex but I'm just done and numb to pretty much anything involving him. So yeah. Don't know if that helps or not but I'd say give it time preferably a lot and try again if you wish. 1
Chi townD Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 Yep, I agree. She's moved on and now she's asking you to. By her stating that she doesn't have any ill will toward you can be take as a form of forgiveness. Which is one of the 12 steps in soberity if I'm not mistaken. Time to chalk this up as lessons learned and let her go. Time to FULLY heal and move on yourself. I know that this isn't probably what you wanted to hear, but if you respect her wishes, then she'll think more fondly of you and your time together. If you keep hounding her, then she'll continue to feel justified in her decision to end it, and quite frankly, be a little scared of you. Time to bow out like a man!
Author cincinnatikid Posted February 11, 2012 Author Posted February 11, 2012 I agree with all your responses .. thank you. The official truth is that I'm 100% in agreement with it. The ground truth is that I struggle with it. To be even more frank, it was she who opened my eyes to a better a way and without her I may not have given myself the courage to choose a sober way of life. It's quite difficult for me to accept that such a catalytic figure such as her will no longer be a part of my life, in any manner whatsoever. Yet, that must remain my mystery. Thanks again all!
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