padparadscha Posted February 10, 2012 Posted February 10, 2012 I am writing about a situation today that is bothering me and tearing at my brain. I would appreciate advice on how to get thoughts of a relationship gone badly out of my head. I want to move on but my brain keeps trying to find answers and I am so crushed. Its about my first time dating an African man. Situation: I met a guy completely opposite me in every fashion. He was definitely not the type of person I would ever date. Yet he pursued me hard and I gave him a chance. Out of that pursuit I fell in love with him. He told me he was more in love with me. We mutually called each other 3-4 times a day. We made an effort to go on a date once a week. We saw each other 3-4 times a week up until the day we broke up. Within 6 months of knowing him I had the keys to his apartment. I never spent the night but I was granted unlimited access. Within 7 months of the relationship although I did not live with him he allowed me to decorate his place any way I liked. We spoke of marriage and kids and he said his goal was to get his life in order so he could marry me. What was preventing the marriage? A. He was in dept for over $42,000. B. He claimed to be a 7th Day Adventist who was an avid practitioner. I am not religious. C. He was married before and showed me his divorce papers. He did not want to rush into anything without having a solid foundation. D. I am a world traveler. I travel for pleasure. It is as important to me as his religion is to him. It makes up 70% of who I am. The greatest problem between us was “B”. This was the meat and crust of anything wrong in our relationship because my days off were his days of worship. I love to go out and there was no way with his work schedule, college courses and my work schedule we could ever go anywhere greater than a half hour drive. We struggled, we fought but in the end we compromised so that we both got to keep a bit of what we needed to be complete. The break up: Two weeks ago after 3.5 years of a strong and close relationship he told me he wants to marry me and have kids. He had spent the last month going above and beyond with jewelry and trips. He spent money I did not think he had. Then the very day he talked about marriage he caused an awful argument between us. He told me to protect my soul and our unborn kids he would have to go deeper into the religion. He made a mistake spending Fridays with me and compromising on one Saturday a month going out with me. He said if we are to get into heaven he could no longer see me on a Friday, Saturday or Wednesday. He said if we respect each other that we can make it. I told him that was absurd. That means with your school and work we will only see each other once a week for a couple of hours on a Sunday. Not even enough to go to a movie together. He dug in his heels and said that he is not bending it is Gods will. I was so furious I changed my phone number and cut contact with him for a week. Despite me changing my phone number I was certain that with time away and the realization that he was hurting me he would come to my home and fix everything. He did not. So Saturday when I thought he was in church I went to his apartment to drop off the keys. My pictures were all over his apartment. Pictures of us kissing and him and my brother. But on his bedroom floor bags were packed for Africa. Weaving hair was in his room. In his bed was a fat African woman. She did not speak English. FAST FORWARD: That evening I called him I asked who she was. He beat around the bush for 5 minutes if not longer and then said, “My cousin.” I knew it was a lie from his tone of voice. He had flown his wife in from Africa. He was married. I know because that evening he sent me a short email saying, “ I am truly in love with you. I am crushed by my own actions. I am terrified for what I have done to you. I don’t deserve your forgiveness. I would never in my right mind intentionally hurt you. My life is full of uncertainties. I love you I made so many mistakes but you are the greatest blessing of my life. You were not a mistake. I am crushed.” I tried to email him a plea to fix things. I wanted to believe I was mistaken about that being his wife. But I never heard from him again. He responded to no emails and never came by my house. Then my mind remembered twice when I found him on the Internet on a dating site romantically talking to other women. He had justified it and I stupidly accepted it thinking he is Christian he would not hurt me. Now I am alone. Hurt. Empty. Dating does not come easily for me. I am attractive but I find it nearly impossible to meet men who are serious about a relationship. I feel as if I will always be single and it disturbs me. I am also having such trouble getting the past with him out my head. I just keep feeling the loneliness and emptiness of not having him and wondering how all went so wrong so quick. Any advice?
Author padparadscha Posted February 10, 2012 Author Posted February 10, 2012 Does anyone have any advice on how to stop thinking about this situation? I could use advice.
Recommended Posts