bridget Posted February 10, 2012 Posted February 10, 2012 So, I was last here a long time ago. I am having further "fun" times in my love life and would love to get some perspective on my current situation. In reality I suppose I know what I have to do, or – more specifically – that there isn’t a lot I can do right now. But it helps to share it, and maybe someone will have some insight. Anyway, a little background on my life at the moment. I have been traveling for several years now, well working abroad in different countries. Three years ago (well two and a half-ish) I moved to Mexico and have been here ever since. I love my job, love this country, I will probably stay here. It’s a long way from my home country (the UK) which raises issues in itself, but generally I feel I belong here. The first year I was here I had a ‘great’ relationship with a ‘great guy’. I then discovered he was married with children and sent him packing. I don’t even want to get into how I spent so long with someone and never realized this about him, but suffice to say he made me doubt a lot of what I’ve always thought about myself. I am 26 and left home when I was 16, I always thought I was a clued-up person who would never been taken in by anything like that. Turns out I’m not as super-smart or as excellent a judge of character as I thought… That experience changed me. In the following months I maintained my (wonderful) friendships with my friends here but I decided I was done with the whole romantic relationships thing for a while. My overwhelming feeling toward the cheat was anger but of course I had invested a lot in our relationship – emotionally – and it hurt me deeply. Right after I kicked this guy to the curb, a friend of mine introduced me to her to new boyfriend. Well her new boytoy I would say since she was never one for serious relationships. We got on like a proverbial house on fire and he became one of my dearest friends, nothing else. Things faded out between them, she moved on to another city and I went home for six weeks to deal with family issues. When I came back – this is March 2011 at this point – my friend (let’s call him “Juan” for want of a more creative stereotype) and I started talking again. He is from a town about an hour from where I live and would come to my town four days out of the week to work. He had an apartment here. We talked a little through emails and on the telephone and then we met up by chance in a nightclub in town. I was with my friends and he with his, there is a little overlap in our friendship groups but it isn’t huge, and he asked me if I wanted to go back and drink at his apartment with his group of friends. I went. The rest, as they say, is history… Or at least it was for a while. This guy is something special. I've had a few relationships in my time and there have been a few other dalliances (including the married man), all of whom I’m sure I had similar fancies about. That they were amazing guys and had all these desirable attributes etc. This guy IS special. Now. There may be people here who live, have lived in or know Mexico well and who have a different opinion… but mine is that relationships with men are tricky down here. Where I live, in particular, there is a dearth of culture that interests me and education (for most) is a necessity. I don’t want to sound like a snob, because I know the manner in which many people where I am living have to scrimp and save to have a decent life. It’s not education or academics themselves, it’s intellectual conversation and a love for learning and discovering which I have struggled to connect with people over… down here. Argh that was a horrible sentence. My syntax goes out of the window when writing about personal stuff. Anyway, this guy. Smart as hell, interesting, funny, attractive (to me, I don’t know if he’d be generally considered especially so) with so much to say for himself. I guess once I started to get to know him romantically and sexually I realized that this guy is not the perfect guy at all but it works for me. His manner with me is ideal, we have so many different views but we can talk for hours and hours and appreciate each other’s thoughts and feelings. The time he was in town we would spent together, alone or with friends. Even after six months I would look at this guy and just feel a rush of admiration, I don’t mean blind adoration, of thinking how lucky I am to have him in my life in any way at all. Let alone as my best friend and my lover. When he went back to his hometown I would usually go with him. We’d hang out. Or he’d stay on in town for the other three days too. A really happy time. I’ve never laughed so much or felt so comfortable in my own skin. At this time, some horrible talk went around town. Mostly to do with the girl he’d been with before. She came back to town. It didn’t really affect us, in fact over the months the girl and I have become friends again. But people here love to talk and it did make for the only insecurities I had in the relationship. It faded out, but it was the only sour note I can think of. Fast-forward to December 2011. Unexpected promotion to another part of Mexico, on his part. So he didn’t want to take it, his stance on it being that he’s happier with “his lot” right now than he ever had been before. But he’s intelligent, this is Mexico and the economy is as dire as elsewhere, you have to take opportunities when they arise. If you don’t, someone else will and maybe another one won’t come along. I was supportive of this, how could I hold back someone I care about from a wonderful opportunity with a clear conscience? I couldn’t. After he got off the phone with his new boss we had a pretty bittersweet conversation about how “it really isn’t that far away” (it kind of is, around 14 hours driving or an expensive flight) and “it’ll work out”. I felt sad but I controlled myself, I have never been the kind of person to show emotions until I have processed them myself. I mean, of course I told him I had mixed emotions about it… but I wanted to be supportive, that was my priority. It still is. He moved a week after New Year. We spent a lot of time together and my parents were visiting too so there was a lot of family stuff. A really nice time. I started to feel a positivity in “leaving things when everything is still so cherished and hasn’t been tarnished by any bad feeling or feelings of growing apart.” Of course I still felt really sad, but I try to keep balance in my heart or know I would go off at the deep-end. He is, hands-down, the funniest man I have ever met so I made (really, hand-stitched spine and all) him a little dictionary of anecdotes from A-Z of our time together. I gave it to him when he dropped me off for the last time and asked him not to open the package until he arrived home. With men I always feel a niggling doubt about anything ‘homemade’ because I have had bad experiences with men who seemingly wouldn’t appreciate anything other than a solid gold Rolex. That isn’t me, at all. Turns out it isn’t him, either. He called me an hour later when at home and told me it had made him cry, made him not want to go but he knew we were both strong enough characters to get through this. Whatever happens. We talked again that evening after he had his “guys” leaving get-together and then… he left. He’s been gone a month now and we talk every couple of days. Any more frequently and I’d probably get mired in some kind of funk. It works, for now. I miss him. I decided to talk to him before he left and tell him that I love him, care about him and that he has reaffirmed my faith in people with the thoughts he shared with me about the world, life, our relationship. It’s true. I know meeting me has opened up a part of the world for him he never would have imagined and I am determined to take him to Europe with me when I go home for the summer. He has such an interest in history and architecture that I hope we can make the trip work. He is saving for it now and so am I. The caveat in the conversation we had was that I thought we should just see what happens, rather than actively plan a long-distance relationship. I don’t know if I did the right thing there. But I feel I am protecting myself. I know we will always be friends, but I know there is NO way of predicting what the future holds for us romantically. I am trying to guard my heart but I know that by doing this I might be throwing away something that I may never find again. I am pretty sure the relationship we had was something people are insanely lucky to experience, to connect with someone on every level and feel that this person changed my outlook and probably my path through life. I sound so twee now. Urgh. I know I just have to wait and see. Keep living my life and be positive. If it’s meant to be, it will be… with some active decision-making too, of course. But he just moved away from his family and childhood friends for the first time ever at age 28 and I know I need to give him time and space to adjust to this life without clamoring for his attention. I am trying to do that. I hate to stifle myself but I would hate to stifle him. He is doing brilliantly in his new job and I am so proud of my best friend, I just wish he were able to have this success and opportunity in different circumstances. Así es la vida. I know through most of this post I am deconstructing my own life and giving myself – often conflicting – advice. I would be interested to hear another person’s perspective on it. Or if anyone had had a similar experience, I’d be interested to hear. I don’t talk about it a whole lot with my friends here, but when I do they are very understanding and patient. They too think he is a wonderful guy and they know that this relationship was something really special, but they are so close to the situation and I know they say what I want to hear “you’re made for each other, it will work out” etc etc. I’d be interested to hear a more ‘removed’ take on it. I know I just have to wait until summer and Europe, if things feel the same then I will know I have to take action. I am thinking about visiting him either in late February or during Semana Santa. I talk myself out of these plans though, feeling as though I am crowding him, even though he always asks when I will come. Self-doubt and self-preservation are a tough combination. I suppose what I try to take from this situation is that I was fortuitous enough to meet someone who enriched my life and will always be part of my heart , but I feel now I’ve had that experience everything else is going to seem shades of grey and… lacking… somehow. Oh complicated life! Thanks in advance if anyone DOES bother to read this novel. I am impossible to shut up once I start, sorry!
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